Loss
by BlackPotterGrl
Summary: Complete: Harry finally gets what he wants most in his life: a family. Sirius’s name is cleared, and Harry finds something he has never had before: love. But with his newly freed godfather, comes his godfather’s girlfriend, who Harry feels threatened
1. Birthday Madness

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**                                                                       Loss**

                                                                         By Hpfan

Hi. My names Katie, and this is my third fic. Looking at my story's list in my profile you will only find one. That is due to the removal of my other story, Rescue. If you have read Rescue, and, though I really wonder what you found interesting, and intriguing enough to keep reading, I want to apologize, for that was the probably the scariest experience of my life rereading that fic after only two months. I don't know what possessed me to write something that bad, but please don't judge my writing skills off of that, er… disturbing piece of literature. This fic has been written, rewritten, revised, rephrased, and a lot of other words starting with the prefix re. Originally, I wasn't going to publish this fic until it was finished. But, well, things change; Specifically the thought release date of OotP. 

      Summary: Harry moves in with Sirius, after he clears his name, and they face many obstacles before they can have a good relationship, like their relationships with other people. 

Chapter I- Birthday Madness

Harry Potter sat on his small bed inside of a small room that was in an average sized house. He shifted uncomfortably, trying to move to a spot that didn't aggravate his aching, sun burnt back. The reason for his pain could be explained from the excruciating work that he had been forced to perform by his evil relations, which, unfortunately had legal custody over him, and could force him to do 'chores', as they put it. In reality, after working as hard as the fourteen-almost fifteen- year old teenager, one could expect to earn a salary fit for an average working person trying to support a family. If you think the uncomfortable child lying on the bed was being paid for his labor, you are sadly mistaken!      

Harry looked at the clock that read 11:59 PM. He also stared at the calendar that he had made, counting down the days until he could go back to Hogwarts. The date was July 30th. He heard a load tap on his window, and wasn't surprised to see five owls outside his window. When he opened the window, he could see that each of them carried a newspaper. 

He saw two school owls, one he didn't recognize, his own Hedwig, and Pig. He untied all of the post that the birds carried, and the two school owls flew away, while the unrecognizable owl, Hedwig, and Pig stayed on his desk; well, the two former stayed on the desk, while Pig flew around like the scatterbrained thing it was. 

The letter from Hogwarts was normal, stating that he needed his books, but he also received another message. 

_Dear Mr. Potter,_

_    You have been chosen to be a Hogwarts Prefect. The follow people have also become Prefects: Justin Finch-Flechley, Hermione Granger, Sally-Anne Perks, and Terry Boot. Enclosed is your Prefects badge. You will be informed of your new responsibilities. Do not take advantage of your authority._

_Professor McGonagall_

Harry put down the letter with a smirk on his face. Maybe if he got good enough grades, he could become a head boy, like his father had. He moved on to the next letter. When he opened it, the letter looked like someone had written it on a massive sugar high!

_Harry_

_Guess what! I've been cleared of all charges! Wormtail apparently got caught at a Death Eater attack, by the ministry. To make a long story short (You can read the full story in the copy of the Daily Prophet I enclosed.) I'm cleared! Well, the offer still stands if you want to live with me, but I've met your 'family' and I really doubt that you are that fond of them. Still you don't have to. I got tons of money from the ministry for wrongfully imprisoning me, because I would look really bad if they sent Sirius Black homeless on the streets after putting him in prison for twelve years. _

_They gave me a house that Remus and I are fixing up, but we shouldn't be finished for about a week. I'll pick you up when I have your room ready, but if you would rather not come, I'll understand. In the meantime, I'm staying with Moony. He's generously letting me stay with him until our new house is suitable._

_Your lovable mutt,_

_Sirius     _

_PS. I haven't forgotten your birthday; I'll give you your present when you get over here. Maybe we'll have a party._

Harry read and re-read the letter many times, revisiting the phrase 'Our new house' many times over. He had to strain himself not shriek with joy, but he still had a painfully long week with the Dursleys. He cleared his mind of the evil thoughts, and tore open the next letters. 

Ron wrote to him, but the only thing in letter was a detailed description of what the Daily Prophet stated, as did Hermione's. Both of them seemed to have eaten just as much sugar as Sirius. Ron got him a toy snitch, which was used to 'practice your reflexes for quidditch', and Hermione got him _Curses and Counter-curses_ which Harry had wanted since first year, by Vindictus Viridan. Hagrid also wrote him a letter, but it was quite different from Ron and Hermione's letter.

_Dear Harry,_

_I just got the Daily Prophet and was surprised at reading that Sirius Black was innocent. I don't know if you know this, but he's actually your godfather. He and your father where best friends at Hogwarts. I'm not sure if I should believe the story, after all the mayhem that blasted paper caused last year. It's hard to consider anything it turning out as anymore then gossip. In any case, I sent him his motorcycle back. See, the night your parents died, he showed up, and gave me his motorcycle. I took you to your relative's house on it, and was going to give it back, but he was gone after I got to his house. I've been holding on to it for him. It says in the paper he wants custody of you. If you go, I wish you good luck. He was a really nice guy when I knew him at Hogwarts, but I don't know what 12 years in Azkaban can do to a guy. I was there for a few months, and I know I would be a little over the edge if I was there for 12 years! Anyway, enjoy your birthday present._

_Hagrid_

Hagrid had gotten him a Put-Outer. Harry wasn't sure what he would do with it, but it was a nice gesture. He had done a fair share of snickering during the letter, but then, one couldn't expect Hagrid to know something he hadn't been told. The thought of the motorcycle had crossed his mind but he didn't think much of it. 

Harry got into bed, and quietly played with the practice Snitch. He knew that he wouldn't sleep very much that night anyway, not only from his enthusiasm, but also because of all the thoughts going through his head. He assumed that he would probably make an impeccable patronus right now. 

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Harry awoke quite early the next day. It was a quiet Saturday morning, so he dressed in silence and went down stairs to eat some breakfast, and start on his accelerating chore list. He strolled downstairs, still in a happy mood from the happenings of the previous night. When he reached the kitchen he saw that his Aunt and Uncle where awake, though his cousin could most likely be found snoring heavily in his bed. 

When Harry sat down at the table, his family didn't even acknowledge his arrival, so he took a piece of toast from the plate, and noticed his aunt's lips tense as he did so. He quickly ate; hating the loathing glances his relatives would occasionally shoot at him. Finally, he finished his breakfast, and decided he might as well try to lighten up the next week he was facing, so he reluctantly started a conversation. 

"So, I got a letter from my godfather last night…" but was suddenly cut off by long grunt from his uncle who suddenly stood up. 

"You know what boy? I've had enough! Enough of this madness! I have tolerated your- your irregularity well enough, I have, but I can't take these threats! You claim that you have some god-forsaken godfather out there? Where is he? If you have this so called murdering, wand waving lunatic that you call for every time you have a problem, go live with him, but get your narrow behind out of my house!" He said, slowly gaining anger. "I've taken all I can from you! You eat and sleep in my house, you take the food right out of my own son's mouth, and then you go around, trying to bully us into giving you stuff? I don't think so! Get out!" 

Out of everything that Harry expected to come out of his uncle's mouth that was not one of them. Harry just stood in shock, but it was a bigger surprise when his uncle struck him across the face. 

"Get out of here, and take all that mumbo-jumbo junk with you!" roared his uncle, taking another swing at his head. Harry ducked out of the way, barely missing his uncle's smack. He franticly dashed up the stairs and lodged himself into his room. As soon as he locked the door, he pulled out his wardrobe from his closet, (Which didn't contain much) and pressed it in into his trunk. He gathered his prize possessions, put them in the trunk, and pulled it out the door. Harry took Hedwig out of her cage, and told her to meet him outside. He put her cage under his arm and noisily sprinted down the staircase, and rushed to the door. Before he could escape the wrath of his uncle, he received a swift kick in the back. 

He launched down the sidewalk, relying on adrenaline to get him to the middle of no-where. Finally, after traveling to Magnolia Crescent, with Hedwig following, he finally collapsed, panting heavily as he rested on his trunk. Harry couldn't help feeling bewildered as to what he would do. He had no place to go, or at the very least, no way to there. He had to bare only one week at the Dursley's, and he couldn't even manage to stay there 7 hours before getting kicked out. 

Harry sighed heavily. He knew there was only one thing to do; send a letter to Sirius, telling him he could manage to keep out of trouble for one week, and that he would need a place to stay. It struck Harry that, in law, he had to do it anyway, because Sirius was now is legal guardian. 'What a great way to start things off. I hope Sirius doesn't regret taking me in.' Harry thought gloomily. 

Finally, after catching his breath, he reached into his trunk and took out a piece of parchment, ink, and a quill, and began a letter to Sirius. He finished it, and the end result was suitable.

_Sirius,_

I know that I was suppose to stay at the Dursley's for another week, but, some stuff kind of came up, so to make a long story short: I'm homeless. Do you think you could send me Professor Lupin's address so that I could take the Knight Bus? It's kind-of ironic because I'm at Magnolia Crescent. Well, I'm really sorry about this. There was a misunderstanding with the Dursleys, and they kicked me out. I'll tell you all about it when I arrive.

_                                                Harry_

    Finally, he gave the letter to Hedwig, saying "Please be fast, girl!" And then settled down in the alley where he had first met Sirius. He sat down and rested his head on his trunk. He was going to be there for a while so he might as well get comfortable. He unlocked his trunk and took out _Curses and Counter-curses_. He had read his schoolbooks many times over the course of the summer, and was glad to have found something new to read. He had mastered the theory behind about 25 spells he had learned over the last year, from his old books, but was still unsure about casting them, as he couldn't use magic over the summer. Maybe he could use some now that he was living with Sirius. 

    It had reached about noon when his stomach began growling. He took out some of the food parcels that he had got from Ron and Hermione. No longer would he have to eat stale food because of Dudley's diets that never actually worked. He would have real food, although he really wasn't so sure of Sirius's cooking skills, or his appetite for that matter. He had been eating rats all last year. Hopefully it wasn't a delicacy to him or something. 

    He went back to his book and read for a while. After a bit, even reading about ways to jinx Malfoy became boring. He fooled around with the practice Snitch for fifteen-minutes, while his mind wondered over some subjects. He did a little homework, and finally, he looked at the new (cheap) watch he had bought in Hogsmeade, and it read 7:30. 

    He had been sitting in that spot for almost twelve hours straight! It hadn't been the best treatment for his sore back. Dusk was looming, so he stood up, cracking his back as his did so, and wondered where his owl was at this moment. He shrunk back into the shadows of the alley, and squinted. 

    He could see a silhouette of a figure approaching him. He launched to his trunk for his wand, as the stature came closer. In a very un-intimidating voice he spoke out, "Who-who are you! What do you want?" The body was closing in, only a few feet away.

    The shadow was soon identified as a man as he lit his wand. His voice was very familiar. He recognized it immediately as his godfather's. "What? You don't recognize your own godfather?" He said, but his tone betrayed him. He stepped closer into the wand light, and it lit up his face, and a hideous figure stood, very unlike Sirius, but also very familiar. It was Snape!

    Harry screamed loudly in surprise as he bolted forward, escaping the horrible nightmare. He shuddered to himself at the thought of it. His breathing slowly returned to a normal pace, as did his heartbeat. The sky was a glowing purple mass, with stars scattered throughout it. He put almost everything he had removed from his trunk back, except his wand, as he was feeling apprehensive about the whole ordeal. 

    Harry yawned loudly, but refused to let himself fall asleep in an alleyway. 'I am Harry Potter, number one on Voldemort's hit list. I can't fall asleep in an alley.' The more he thought about it, the more perturbed he grew. The death eater's were probably searching for him at this moment. 

    The sky was darkening by the minute, and with it grew his nerves. The night music had begun, and a heavy silence seemed to wash over the abandoned street. He could hear cars quietly honking on distant streets. The silence was taking a toll on Harry's bravery. Every cricket was the squeak of a death eater's heel. Every voice was the muffled whisper of an approaching enemy. 

    Suddenly, a deafening roar over came his scenes, and he leaped about two feet into the air, as the noise dulled, someone's feet made contact with the ground. The first thought that shot through Harry's head was Snape, but his commonsense overthrew that thought. Finally, his curiosity overcame him, and he cautiously made his way to his feet. Once again, a shadowy figure appeared in the alleyway entrance, shielding the little light that the streetlights had provided for him. His eyes were glued to the man, as he made his way toward him. Harry noticed that the walk seemed to take a lot less time then it had in the dream, but he held the lump of fear that had developed in his throat. 

    Finally the man spoke, standing very close to him. "Harry? Is that you?" came his godfather's voice, but relief wouldn't come that easy. He reached for his wand, and the man stiffened. With reflexes Harry rarely saw, he had, grasped in his still shadowed hands, a lighted wand. Harry managed to muster some courage, and pushed the mans hands to light up his face. What he saw made his stomach return. He sighed as the relieved face of Sirius was shined upon with wand light. 

    "Thank god! I thought someone had kidnapped you, and done who knows what!" said Sirius. "Come on! We've got to get a move on." He grasped Harry's shoulder, and led him to the object that had made all that noise. In front of him sat a motorcycle. And not just any motorcycle, possible the biggest one he had ever seen. Sirius didn't hesitate to hoist Harry's trunk upon the back and mutter a spell. He stared at Harry with an expecting look on is face. Harry approached it warily. Finally, Sirius helped him climb upon the motorbike, and he started up the engine. 

    Sirius didn't even question Harry, before making his way down the familiar street of Privet Drive. Harry wondered if Sirius was going to stop in front of the house, but they sped up, as they got closer to it. Harry could see his uncles purple face sticking out the window, but he seemed to be the only one who heard it, besides Aunt Petunia, and old Mrs. Figg, which struck him as odd, because she was hard of hearing. 

    Harry's stomach lurched as Sirius made an unexpected L-turn. With four years of quidditch skills, Harry first reflex was to hold onto the closest thing to him, which happened to be Sirius. They made their way toward the house, and just when Harry (And his uncle, who's face had gone sheet white) thought he was going to crash through the brick, Sirius pulled into a pop a wheelie. And they flew up the house as if the bike was made to do things like that. 

    Harry was laughing too hard at his uncle's facial expressions to be scared. Plus, he had done things like that on his broom numerous times. Finally, the duo sped off at an 85-degree angle, and began gaining altitude. Harry calmed down a lot, and just sat back to admire the view. He didn't normally go as high as he was going now. 

    At last, they leveled off, and Sirius pressed a button on his handlebar that said 'Remus Residence', and a few other buttons, and before Harry realized it, the seat had extended so far that both could put their feet up, and not touch each other. 

    Sirius turned himself so that he faced Harry, and pulled his feet up to his chest while pulling out his wand. He instructed Harry to follow his lead with a look, and muttered "Stickious". Harry instantly felt his butt stick to the seat. Sirius pressed another button on the dash, and the seat expanded in width. Sirius released him with "Detacherous".

Finally, after the seat had reached the size of a large bed, Sirius settled into conversation. "So, may I ask what misunderstanding could be so big that your relatives couldn't wait one more week for me to pick you up? I know this will be good." with a small hint of sarcasm, but mostly in wonder. 

"Well, you know how that Dursleys, er, dislike me with a passion? Well, I kind of told them about you being my godfather, and they got scared that if they didn't treat me right, you would turn them into cockroaches or something. I er, conveniently forgot to mention that you weren't a mass murderer." He looked up at his godfather, hoping that his claim would be accepted, and not reprimanded. Sirius gave him a small grin with a mischievous look in his eyes.

"So, apparently I must have overused it a bit, because when I went down to breakfast to tell them that you sent me a letter, they took it as a threat, and my Uncle blew-up at me about threatening his family. He kicked me out, said some words, slapped me around a bit, and well, I think you can fill in the blanks." He concluded, looking up shyly.

Sirius just sighed. "Oh well. Guess you'll just have to stay at Remus' house. He only has two bedrooms though, so you'll have to take the couch, hope you don't mind." He replied.

"Cool. Look, I'm really sorry about this whole mess. If I knew my uncle was going to react like that, I wouldn't have even said anything." Said Harry with a reassured tone.

"It's alright. I was going to surprise you with the house, but I guess two sets of hands are better then one." Harry kept his face straight, not wanting to stretch it, regardless of the screaming protests from his back. One part of his brain; the lazy side, kept shrieking 'No more work!' and another part; the logical, and compassionate side, would scream back at it, 'It's the least you can do! The man went out of his way to come collect you from an alley. You can at least do a bit of work.'

The conversation remained light the whole way back, because of the lack of events that had occurred during Harry's summer thus far. He spoke of Sirius's trial, and the events leading up to it. As it turned out, Sirius and Lupin had had a little too much celebration butterbeer, the previous night, while he was writing the letter. 

Harry had to snicker at the thought of caffeine high Professor Lupin. The thought brought something else to his mind. "Do you think Professor Lupin will let me stay? I mean, I don't want to be in the way." He said in a uncomfortable voice. 

Sirius just waved his hand in a manner that displayed that it was fine. "How could he refuse his best friends son, plus his favorite ex-pupil?"  Harry settled down so that his head was rested against the seat, and his legs were arched. He had a headache and his eyelids were weighed down by a strong fatigue. It was only the thought that by rolling over, he would be plunging to his death that kept him from falling into a fitful slumber. 

For the rest of the trip, Harry merely amused himself by viewing the stars that had emerged from the deep blanket of ebony that shadowed over the earth. He mentally connected the dots to form shapes of things that bore no resemblance to anything that could be classified recognizable. Finally, he felt the bike slowly descending toward the ground. 

Quickly, the engine roared, with a deafening burst of sound that came dangerously close to deafening the entire continent. The enchantments that had kept the individuals in the vicinity of the large cycle from hearing, dropped rapidly. The area was wooded region, which might have stretched for acres without people aware of the occupants. An undersized lodge inhabited the small opening in the wood. Had a muggle wandered into the area, they would have double taked, and hurried to the nearest eye doctor, or possibly a psychiatrist.

The residence was clearly magical; support beams that didn't seem sturdy enough to hold up a blanket, let alone a house held the upper-stories. Despite the design, it reminded Harry of the Burrow, with a warm atmosphere that clearly was alien to having large motorbikes that flew, pull up to it. The intrusion the bike had made was quite evident, because a lone figure approached looking haggard, and fatigued, but not at all surprised by his guests.

"Sirius, why do I get the feeling that you purposely do that just to wake me up?" asked an irritable Remus Lupin.

Sirius merely shrugged. "I couldn't keep the enchantments up while I was turning it off; it'll ruin my bike!" 

"Hi, Harry. I assume that you're staying?" said Lupin, ignoring his friend. Harry looked at his late father's friend, who at the moment, looked as though the full moon was waxing toward full by the second. He hated the thought of being bothersome to this man who undoubtedly needed sleep badly. Sirius clearly wasn't even fazed by his friends state. He was more or less comfortable around the werewolf from his years of friendship.  

"Er, I hope that it's not to much trouble. I didn't really have anywhere else to go." Harry said in his uncomfortable voice that had resurfaced. 

"It's no trouble. Just try to keep your godfather from insanity, if that's possible." He replied with a wink. Sirius scowled. Lupin opened the door to his house, and Harry walked toward his trunk, before Sirius unattached his luggage from the seat, and levitated it toward the door. Harry followed after him, and Remus closed the door. 

The first floor included a living room, and kitchen, along with a bathroom. Harry was informed that the second floor was only the two rooms that Sirius and Remus were residing in. Harry settled down on the couch before they had even finished the tour, and fell asleep almost before taking his shoes off. Fatigue overwhelmed him before he had a chance to change into nightwear. It had been a very long day, and the last thought that coursed through his mind before sleep overtook him was the consideration of nightmares, and how horrible that situation would be.

End chapter I- Birthday Madness


	2. Murphy’s Law, or irony at the very least

**                                                                           Loss**

                                                                         By Hpfan

Chapter II- Murphy's Law-or irony at the very least- 

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This is the second installment of Loss. I would like to thank all of my reviewers. I love you all. I'm not sure how long this story will be and I'm hoping I will get it all out by the time the fifth book comes out, but well- I'm only on chapter six so far, and I don't know how that will be possible, but I'll try hard. I'm hoping to post at least once a week. See the end for replies to reviews. 

Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters that you might recognize in this story, nor do I own the cannon that this fanfiction is set upon. All I own is the plot, which really doesn't belong to me either, as this kind of story has been done too many times to call this original. 

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_Harry looked up and down the empty street, wondering what was happening. In the back of his mind, he knew what was going to occur, but he gave himself the benefit of a doubt, or maybe he was in denial. He immediately recognized the familiar street that he had lived on for ten straight years and during the past three-and-a-half summers. He looked at the house that he had called a home, and felt his stomach drop down to his feet. There, infront of the door to number four Privet Drive was a shadow figure, holding a slender stick in his hand. The worst of it was the throbbing pain that shot through his scar. _

_He urged his feet to turn in the opposite direction before the force that always seemed to come over him, strained him toward the event that he would dread seeing. His legs wouldn't comply, and with a cry of despair, he was dragged toward the house. He marched in a robotic fashion to the oblivious family that clearly would meet their demise. _

_Harry walked thought the door, following the monster that would clearly wipe out the only remaining blood line he possessed. As they ascended up the steps, they came to a halt infront of the first door on the second floor. The room he had lived in before the incident that had arose that morning. A quick Alohomora, and the door swung forward to reveal an empty room. Voldemort rotated in the opposite direction, blood red eyes glowing with anger that could have petrified some of the strongest men. Harry briefly wondered if he had seen Harry, in his horror-struck stance, but his adversary simply walked through him, causing an alarmingly cold feeling to come over him._

_Voldemort seemed to float toward the next door, because his robes touched the floor, and it was impossible to know if he had legs or not. He never touched the door. It appeared he knew it was locked, because a quick Deletrius spell disintegrated the door from its hinges. In the room was his cousin. All harsh feelings were forgotten between the two for a lengthy moment, as a surge of protectiveness flowed through Harry. This was no harmless prank. This was a life or death situation, but evidently, there wasn't any clear alternative to his cousin's end. Harry just prayed that his life would be cut short without any suffering._

_A sudden 'Crucio' cut from Voldemort's mouth, and all resolve was broken. Harry's cry wasn't heard on Privet Drive that night, but a blood-curling scream was. The image flashed through Harry's mind, and he dared not close his eyes. His cousin withering in his bed, screaming until his breath caught in his throat, and he could scream no more. Pain that was equivalent ran through Harry, as he shrieked with him._

_ Words spilled from his lips; "No! Please, don't hurt him! Stop it! Please stop it!". Harry collapsed to the floor as tears streamed down his face as he screamed. _

_His aunt and Uncle tore from their room, as they heard their son screaming. His aunt ran toward Dudley, as his uncle screamed profanity at the torturer of his son. Aunt Petunia hugged the mass that was her son, as she attempted to stop his seizure. The sounds of more screams ran through his head quickly, as remembrance quickly came over him. The screams his mother played through him, as well as his aunt and uncle, who were put under the curse as well. The last thing Harry heard before exiting his dream was the words, "Avada Kedavra", three times, before the screaming ceased.   _

**___ **

Harry felt himself falling. Falling through a dimensionless void of space and time, before landing heavily on the wooden floor of the living room of Remus Residence. His back screamed and his body ached, but he remained there, with perspiration covered him, as well as tears. With a shuddering breath, he gathered his bearings, and pulled himself from the floor, to the couch and collapsed to the cushions, and pulled on his glasses. He heard heavy footsteps, but couldn't pull himself together, or stop the tears that fell. His godfather and ex professor made their way toward him, but all he managed to do was watch.

"What's going on? Why were you screaming?" his godfather asked in a concerned fatherly voice. Lupin just stood there, watching his movements. Harry took a few gulps of air, before looking at them. Sirius bore a blue bathrobe, while Remus had just pulled a wizard robe over his pajamas. Sirius must have seen the tears in his eyes, because he sat down on the couch next to him, and put a comforting arm around his shoulder, never losing his concerned manner. 

"It's okay Harry, now what happened?" he asked once again. 

"I d-d-dreamed, D-D-Dursleys and V-V-Voldemort..." He said, while trying to wipe his eyes. He pulled a pillow to his stomach; a gesture that he had learned in through years, while living in a cupboard. He pulled his legs toward him and buried his head in the pillow. 

Not hours ago he had been laughing at his aunt and uncles expense, but now, they were dead! Gone! Just like his parents, and Cedric. He had no family. It was his entire fault! If Voldemort hadn't been so angry he hadn't been able to kill Harry, he probably wouldn't have killed the Dursleys. It was all his fault. But the truth was hidden behind his guilt. All the common sense in the world wouldn't point to any real explanation that put any blame on him. New tears replaced the old ones as he silently cryed. 

Harry felt a hand rubbing his back, and heard Sirius's words attempting to soothe him. "It's alright, Harry, tell me what happened, it'll make you feel better." Harry wondered if he should. If not, they would surly read it in the next edition of the Daily Prophet. 

Harry took a deep breath, putting his whole effort into holding back the tears. "I had a dream. I…I was on Privet Drive, and Voldemort, he was going into my-the Dursley's house. I-I couldn't help but follow him, and-and when we got upstairs, he-he went through the door to my old room, and when he saw I was gone, he got-he got really angry, and he went to Dudley's room, and disintegrated the door. Then he started torturing him with the cruciatus curse, and my aunt and uncle came, and he tortured them too. The-then Voldemort, he, he k-k-killed them. 

Sirius looked exhausted by the time Harry finished. It _was_ four in the morning. Harry put his hands over his head and hid face down in the pillow, rejecting the tears. He wasn't going to be a burden on Sirius and Lupin, especially since Lupin looked like he really needed sleep badly. Harry tried to compose himself, but ended up almost hyperventilating.

Harry felt someone rubbing his back, and looked into the calming eyes of his ex professor. The touch, though appreciated, brought a prickly feeling to his back, which made him quizzical. Sirius had left, and Harry felt almost abandoned. Maybe he was regretting the decision to take him in if he was going to be a nuisance like this. At these thoughts, Harry gave out a dry sob. He put his feet on the ground, and began to quiver. 

Lupin gave his shoulder a squeeze, trying to reassure him, as he whispered words of comfort. Suddenly, Sirius returned from the kitchen with a cup of steaming liquid. He put it on the coffee table and sat down next to Harry. He put his arm around his shoulder after Lupin pulled away. His godfather picked up a blanket and tucked it under his arms, and handed him the liquid, which turned out to be tea with some kind of potion mixed into it. Harry expected in to make him drowsy, but all it did was calm his nerves. 

With a croaky voice, he softly said, "Thanks Sirius." and sipped some more. 

"No problem, Harry." Then he added in an after-thought after a few moments, "Think you're going to sleep tonight?" he asked with a voice that clearly told him he didn't expect him to. Harry just sheepishly shook his head. Sirius just nodded, and pulled Harry close to him. Harry was dazed, and a little uncomfortable from the unfamiliar embrace, but the feeling it gave him was warm, and loving, and it made him feel at ease, so he quickly relaxed, and just sat there thinking about what had happened. 

Harry wasn't sure if he was as upset about the loss of his last remaining family, or if it was something more. It bothered him immensely that he couldn't find the source of his despair, but the annoyance led to feelings of more guilt, because he knew his depression should be aimed fully at the Dursley's, but the scars he felt went deeper then their death. 

Maybe it was that he had never really appreciated, or shared any special bond with the people who he had called his family, and had always targeted his affection toward friends, and vise versa with the Dursley's. Or it could be his feelings of guilt that his association with Voldemort had had horrible repercussion on those he shared a blood bond with, and he knew that it could have been Ron or Hermione who suffered from it. 

He couldn't put a finger on his misery, but he knew that the answer was in a region of his soul he didn't even know of. The real answer was that, as much as he tried to deny it, he did feel some kind of care toward the people who had taken him in. The Dursleys had been the only family he knew for 10 years. He knew that they would have felt some sorrow for him, if he had died at the end of last year, even if they didn't show it. He remembered one time when Dudley had been a small bit protective over him. 

They, [He and Dudley] had gone to the park at the age of five, with Aunt Petunia. A child, smaller then Dudley, but much bigger then Harry, had pushed him into the sandbox for getting too close to his sand castle. Dudley pushed they boy into the sand castle, shouting "Don't you dare touch my punching bag!" before picking Harry up by the shirt and shoving him toward the other side of the playground. 

Harry never forgot that, feeling as though he had a bigger protector, who, despite the constant bullying, felt as though Harry was his property. Dudley was always the one to hit Harry while the others just stood there laughing with sneering faces, or held him in place. Harry realized, though Dudley was the bully, technically, Harry was now the stronger force, and having to watch his cousin being tortured was a horrible experience. The looks of horror that were on his relatives faces stood vividly in his mind.

His uncle had thrown him out though. He couldn't really justify his uncle's behavior rationally. Uncle Vernon had known he would survive. He had friends that could pick him up, and Sirius could have helped him out. It had taken him until his 15th birthday to finally dispose of him, and had he really been that uncaring, his uncle would have done it years ago, when Harry had no place to go. He couldn't find it in his heart to blame the man, after he had died at his indirect hands. 

Harry sighed, and shook the thoughts away. He neglected his tiredness, and tried focusing on other things, but in the silence, it seemed as though the only thing left was sleep. The quiet atmosphere made Harry feel any attempt at conversation would be breaking some sort of tranquility that had settled over the room, but it only brought a nagging anxiety to Harry's restless thoughts.

In contrast, Harry felt some liability to inform his elders that they needn't stay up all night with him just because of his insomnia. He looked from the worn stature of the werewolf to his left, to the tired, yet determined figure that was his godfather on his right. "You two can go to bed. I'm sure I'll be fine from here." He said, hoping his true feelings didn't feed into his voice.

Sirius looked at Harry, then Remus, then settled his gaze on Harry, before replying, "You go ahead and get some sleep, Remus, me and Harry will be fine down here for the night." Remus looked about ready to argue, but Sirius cut him off with a compassionate, yet firm, "Go Moony." And after looking at Sirius for a moment, he left for his bedroom. 

"You don't have to stay, I'll be fine down here." He persuaded, in a voice that said he was just being considerate.  

Sirius just looked at him, with eyes that seemed to look right into his soul, and he shared a look that said 'I know that's not what your really want though'. He tried to fake a defeated look, but Sirius just smiled at him. Harry moved over to the space where Lupin had been and laid his head down in a pillow. "It wasn't your fault Harry. Your relatives wouldn't have blamed you if they had known the truth. You couldn't have done anything." Sirius said. Now that Remus was gone, the thick tension in the air seemed to break like fog at midday. 

Harry didn't know how to explain his feelings to Sirius. Guilt was just one of those things that didn't seem to mind logic, or the law of physics; at least the laws that still stood in the wizarding world. It was as if even though there was no way of saving them, he still felt remorse that he failed to find a way around logic. The irony was quick to dawn on him. Here he was, feeling so alone in his guilt trip, when the person who dealt with guilt for the better part of his life was sitting next to him. Harry just hoped that Sirius wasn't to lost in his own repentance that he couldn't help Harry deal with is own.

"I can't help feeling like even though I wasn't physically there, I'm a bad person because I couldn't stop it." He said miserably. "I know you understand as well as I do, that all the words of comfort in the world can't stop you from feeling guilty. People who have never had feelings of intense guilt don't understand how someone can feel that bad about something they couldn't prevent. It's just like C…" but he cut himself off realizing how open he was being with this man he hardly knew. 

It was just so natural to talk to him. Sirius was like the adult figure that he never had to confide in, and now that he was there, Harry couldn't help but spill out his thoughts and feelings without any concern. It was just that Sirius seemed to be as eager to gain Harry's fondness as Harry did his. But Sirius didn't care about him being the boy-who-lived, as he did about him being his godson. And Sirius didn't have other kids to care about. He could afford to spend time dealing with Harry's problems, unlike the Weasley's, who he always felt to be a burden to. Though he did feel weird about keeping Sirius awake. 

Sirius just gave him a reassuring, yet sad smile. "It's the curse of being human, or at least a descent human, or possibly just one who takes too much onto their shoulders. It's not a trait that can be modified. You're just born like that. You naturally take the problems that the world faces everyday, and even when they can't be prevented; you feel the responsibility to grieve over the unavoidable."

"The trouble is, that even when you get to the route of the problem, you can't do anything about it. It's frustrating, in Azkaban, having to see the thing that troubles you the most over and over, never in more or less detail, but always the way it happened." A far away look entered his eyes as he spoke, almost hypnotically. "Even worse, knowing your innocent, but still plagued with the guilt that you couldn't have stopped it. I couldn't stop it. Neither could Remus, nor could James or Lily, but you realize that even if you could have prevented it, the choice would be selfish, and the whole thing turned out the way it did for a reason. Fate caused it to happen, and big or small, the action had an effect on the world as a whole." 

Sirius's eyes seemed to storm with emotion that swam around his soul. Azkaban seemed to have destroyed any bodily way to discharge these feelings. Harry sat up on the couch, as if immobile in the seat. Millions of pins seemed to poke him from the inside all up and down the sides of his back as he just sat there staring at Sirius. Finally, Sirius silently came back to reality, and he stared at Harry blankly. 

Harry, overcome by numbness hugged the man who had just shared very crucial thoughts and feelings with him. It took a moment, but Sirius hugged him back. Harry gave Sirius a squeeze, before letting go. A comfortable silence followed and Harry just leaned against his godfather, feeling unexplainable sensations. One thing he knew for certain was that he couldn't ask for any better mature older person to spend his remaining adolescence with. If some one had asked him when he was twelve who he would like to live with. He would have said his parents, but know that he had Sirius; he would probably say he was ideal where he was right now.  

**___**

The night was spent in silence for the better part of an hour, contemplating things that where personal to themselves. For Harry, he spent the time relating Sirius's words to his own situation. Regardless of the circumstances, he and Sirius where in the same boat: the S.S. Guilt. Despite the fact that he didn't go to Azkaban, he knew that knew that his soul would suffer from another dementor. Anytime they neared him, he would have new voices in his head; the screaming of his cousin; the profanity of his uncle; the crying of his aunt. 

After an hour-and-a-half, Harry could bear to be alone with his thoughts no longer. Sirius bore the haunted look in his eyes, which told him that Sirius wasn't all there. Harry was beginning to hate that look. It was like a demon that had possessed his godfather, eating away at him, taking him into a parody of a land that was filled with guilt and sorrow. Harry didn't know how he knew that, but he was positive that it wasn't good for Sirius. 

Harry reached over and put his arm around Sirius's shoulders. Sirius shook the inner demon off, and looked down to see Harry, and he put his arm around Harry as well. "Are you okay Sirius? You look tired. Do want to head upstairs? I don't mind." He said, not so much in a way that was considerate, but more concerned then anything else. 

Sirius just shook his head, "I'm fine. Are you tired? If you want to take a nap, go on ahead. I'll just wait until you fall asleep." Harry highly doubted that Sirius would fall asleep, more like fall into another trance state, and Harry hated the thought of that, but there wasn't really anything left to do. So he just shrugged his shoulders, and pulled the blanket up around him, pulling his legs to his chest in another trait learned as a child, because his cot in the cupboard became too small, and his legs hung off the side.

He made a conscious effort to keep his mind from wandering over to the horrible thoughts that he hoped would not plague his sleep. abruptly, he reached over and knocked on wood, before weariness overcame him, and he drifted into a restless slumber. 

**___**

When Harry awoke hours latter, it was to find his godfather lying on the cushion near his legs as a dog. Harry didn't know weather he was asleep, or just seeming to be asleep, but he decided not to disturb him, and just managed to notice the faint light shining through the window, before he laid back down and just stared blankly into space for a few minutes, before hearing a clang. 

It wasn't loud, just enough to startle him out of his stupor. He sat up, and noticed Sirius's tail twitch. As silently as possible, he slowly, and stealthily, attempted to remove himself from the couch without transferring motion, so Sirius didn't wake up. All he managed to do was flop over the side of the couch, and hit his head on the floor. Careful to avoid the coffee table, he flipped over his head, and landed with a soft flop on the flooring. He whispered a curse at the pain it caused his back, but then he stood groggily, and made his way toward the source of the sound. 

What he found woke him up violently. Remus lupin, his favorite ex Defense teacher was wearing an apron that said 'Kiss the Werewolf', while flipping pancakes. Harry was doubled over in silent laughter, cautious not to wake Sirius. Remus must of noticed him, because the next thing he knew, he got pelted with a sausage link. Harry looked up to Lupin's grouchy face, but Harry couldn't take it seriously because the smirk that appeared a moment later. He looked at the clock to see it was mid-morning. 

"Need any help, Professor?" he asked quietly

"Please, call me Remus, but no thank you on the help, you can wake Sirius up though. It's quite simple really. Just take a piece of sausage or bacon and wave it under his nose." He said in a 'would be serious' voce. 

Harry just raised his eyebrows, and silently compiled, taking a slice of steaming bacon into the living room, and waving it under the nose of the dog lying on the couch. First his nose twitched then, an eye perked open, then the other, with a sleep gaze in his eyes. Suddenly the dog jumped up, wide-eyed, and licked his lips. "Here doggy, fetch the bacon." He said in a choking voice. Then he threw the bacon in the kitchen. Padfoot seemed to be choosing between attempting to throttle the boy, or getting the bacon. Finally, with a glare at his godson, he hopped of the couch, and ran for the treat.

"Harry couldn't resist saying "Good boy. Now roll over." Sirius just gave him a death glare, before transforming. He wrapped his arms around Harry's neck in a fake chokehold. 

Remus came over, put a hand on Sirius's shoulder and said, "Now Sirius, Harry just arrived, you don't want to go killing him off already. Remember the trauma that man had the last time you visited my house when I was entertaining guests?" Sirius seemed to go red, but from embarrassment or anger, Harry couldn't tell. 

Sirius's voice seemed a little constricted when he responded, "That was fifteen years ago! Besides, what do you call me?" 

"I refer to you as a long term boarder who never pays his rent." Remus said with a smug smile on his face. He served up the pancakes and sausage, and bacon, and eggs, and Sirius and Remus ate moderately, while Harry ate more then the norm, due to his lack of food intake over the summer.

Sirius kept shooting glances at him, probably noticing his eating habits, but he said nothing. Once again, the awkward silence seemed to settle once again over the kitchen, thick enough to cut it with a knife. They ate in silence, with only the clang of silverware being heard. Every time he looked up, Harry could see Remus and Sirius exchanging glances, talking in a code that Harry recognized as one similar to that of a secret language he, Ron and Hermione shared, but it was quite different from theirs, so Harry couldn't decipherer what they were saying. 

Finally, the silence was quickly swept from the room, as the post owl suddenly came in with the paper. Remus promptly paid the owl rapidly after it landed near him, attempting to get it out of the kitchen quickly. A wave of horror seized Harry, as he realized what it would hold. He backed his chair up from the table, as if the paper was bomb, or a howler, and stood and walked away from the table.

Remus just set the paper aside, but Harry kept walking. "Uh, I'm going to go get changed, I'll see you two later." And that's what he did. He went upstairs to get changed, and take a shower. He came down fifteen minutes later, and came down the stairs, but muffled talking stopped him in his tracks. He didn't want to ease drop, but the house wasn't really that big. He knew that they where discussing something about him.

He inaudibly sneaked to the door, and cupped his ear against it. He could hear snippets of the conversation. 

"Moony, he's going to find out sooner or later, and I don't feel good about keeping it from him."

"I know you don't, but after last night he needs time to recuperate from all that he's going through. If we lay this down on him he may have a nervous breakdown, or worse, he could…"

"Still, when he finds out he's going to be angry at us for not telling us." 

"That's what teenagers do. They get upset with their -elders, because they disagree with our judgment, but when he finds out, he'll know deep down we did it for the best." 

Harry's curiosity increased ten-fold, and he instantly wished he hadn't been listening. He crept back to the top of the stairs and lumbered down them perhaps heavier then would be wise because his footsteps weren't normally that loud.

He walked in the kitchen, trying act like he was just distracted to the fact that the friends were having a conversation, but not knowing how to fake an entry. Sirius and Remus suddenly improved their posture acting as though they hadn't been talking at all. After Harry finished his luke-warm coffee, (in order to keep himself awake), he tried to start casual conversation.  

"How bad was it?" he asked, not even mentioning what 'it' was.

"Uh, it was… interesting." Remus said in an 'all to phony' voice. Harry merely raised his eyebrows. "They er- told the public that, er-, well see, they didn't phrase it the way that they should have-" 

"What Moony is trying to say is that they used restless death eaters as a scapegoat for Voldemort's actions. Totally skimmed over the major details, and made it look like the ministry was doing a horrible job at governing the wizard world." Said Sirius in a silky voice. Harry couldn't help but wonder how he managed to lie so well. Harry knew that what ever it was that they were hiding was in the paper, from Remus's horrible attempt at fibbing.

Harry didn't press the subject. It was clear that the topic was moving when Sirius said, "So, lets get started. No time to waste. I'm sure Remus wants his house back Harry. We'll be taking Floo powder to the house. I haven't named it yet- I was waiting for you to help me-so it's really just a series of numbers. It's 5-4-3-6-4-6.  It's just as the normal way, but don't say it as fast as you usually would. Take your time."

Harry couldn't but feel a bit rushed, and his back throbbed just thinking about more manual labor, but he wasn't going to complain. He just stood up, and walked to the fireplace. He took a pinch of floo powder before turning around. "5-4-3-6-4-6?" he asked Sirius, who nodded in reassurance. He stepped into the fire before throwing the floo powder down and repeating the numbers.

Millions of fireplaces zoomed past him at ungodly speeds. Finally, it stopped, and he fell face first out of the fire. There was a pop next to him, and he felt someone lifting him up. He groaned as his back cracked, and he dusted the soot that mixed in with the cobwebs on the floor. The house came into view, suddenly, and he wondered if he would get to sleep in it anytime this summer. Dust filled the place, and it smelled musty and occupied the air around him. Sirius opened a window slightly, and Harry could see the frustration in his eyes. 

End Chapter II- Murphy's Law-or irony at the very least- 

Thank you all for reading, and thank you very much for reviewing. 

Notes to the readers: I hope that that was okay. I wasn't sure whether that would float your boat. There will be a big combination of angst and fluff throughout this entire story. That can be assured. Throughout writing this, I've been really, er, edgy on the amount of fluff there is. I should have a new story coming out soon, but I'm not sure how long that will be. Definitely not as long as this one, because it was a spur of the moment kind of thing, and I did not bother to limit myself to the amount of fluff- and dare I say it- cheese. I have no clue what its name will be, but the plot will be centered around Harry and Sirius (As if I could write anything else).

Responses to reviews:

Leah- Thank you. I'm glad you like the way I'm writing Sirius. I really didn't think that I was writing him correctly. He seemed too… withdrawn. I was hoping that this chapter would be the one where we see a more complex side of him, but you're the reviewer, and you should be the one to tell me. Oh, and Sirius is definitely my favorite character as well, but only when Harry and him share the lead roles in fics.

KaceyRat- Thank you very much. Me like Needing Only You, also. Thank you for your kind words, and I hope this was fast enough for you.

Stinky Stan- I am as I speak, er, write. 

Atrixo- Thank you. 

Ms. Issues- Thank you. I'm glad that you liked that part. Hope that you liked this chapter.

Sarahpeach- Thank you. The ending won't be for a while, and I'm not sure how I'm going to do it, but, well, I don't want to tell you, and not just because it's out here in the open for everyone to see, but because I won't some form of suspense, and I'm not sure how your going to like it, because you seemed like you were going out of your way to avoid doing this, or maybe you just didn't think of it, but, well, you'll find out.

I'm so glad that you liked it. I wasn't sure whether I should post it until I had more done, but now that it's out, well, now I'll I do is point out mistakes that I didn't fix, you know. This fic's my baby, and I've been working on it for months now. You won't really see any forms of a plot for a few chapters, and I don't want to really give it away, but it's mostly about Harry and Sirius's relationship, how it's progressing, and how it's challenged by some events.

Do I seem totally sadistic for loving those abuse fics? Tough. Sadism is best when in fics, better writing about it then actually doing it. I'm not really going to go into detail about the trial, because I'm prolonging this thing to death, and it wasn't very eventful. It was a very watered down version of _Law and Order_. Well, was this chapter enough sweet stuff for ya? I really kind of did that purpose, pulling out the sweet stuff in the first chapter. I really don't expect Harry would jump into Sirius's arms in canon, but the point of the story is how close they become from dealing with hardships. 

It's funny, I wrote that part in the first chapter thinking, "oh this is going to be fluffy as hell!" but scarily enough, I wrote the chapter, and something happened: it wrote itself. I don't even remember writing it. I don't think that I was channeling anyone as this is fanfiction, but, well, it just happened. It was like, I brewed up the story in a caldron, and poured it into my fingertips and they did all the work.

Blueberrie- Thank you.

Starlette- Thank you. I look forward to your reviews. 

I hope you liked this chapter, and I hope you want more, because it's coming. Oh, it's coming. *Gives scared readers evil smile*      

Next Chapter- Mess freaks and Pillow Wars. I think that this chapter will sort out who's going to read this fic, and who's going to raise their eyebrows and click the little X button on the top of the page. Lots of angst. Don't be fooled by the title. Uh, this will probably be my most controversial chapter yet, you'll see why at the end. 


	3. Mess Freaks and Pillow wars

                                                                            Loss

                                                                         By Hpfan

Chapter III-Mess freaks and pillow wars

Harry looked around the room for something optimistic to point out. It was clear that neither one was essentially pleased with the place, but it wouldn't help to be brooding about it. Sirius finally walked around the place, taking it in. Beyond the filth, it was an adequately nice place. "Well." Harry started "Where do we start?" he asked in a tone that freely expressed his fake enthusiasm.

"More like where do we finish." Sirius responded. It wasn't a question. Sirius drew his wand and intensely coughed. "Lets at least clear up the dust a bit." With that, he uttered a spell, which picked up the layer of dust, swirled around their heads, and it whizzed out the window. The result was pleasing.

The room looked a whole lot better, despite the grime on the walls, and floor. Sirius tried a cleaning spell, but it didn't work too well. He conjured up some buckets and cleaning supplies, and they got to work. Harry went to the sink to fill the bucket with water, but found that it poured out a sickly brown liquid. "Ugh!" He bellowed, and shut the sink off. Sirius walked in the kitchen and looked at the bucket of brown water, and said a spell, which fixed the plumbing. Harry emptied the bucket, and filed it with clean water and soap. He set of for the living room, and began cleaning. Meanwhile, Sirius went outside to see what could be done. 

They worked through the morning, stopping for lunch, which was a plate of sandwiches, and a pitcher of pumpkin juice, which Sirius got from Remus's house. They got back to work, and soon where so caught up in their labor that they didn't realize that they had spent the entire day there. 

Sirius had fixed the fence around the property, and set wards around the house. The over-grown weeds in the back where obnoxiously hard to pull out, and the magical gnomes in the yard just didn't want to leave their nest. By the time the sun reached the horizon, Sirius was sweaty, and his skin was browned; a sharp contrast from the waxy, pale skin he had after he escaped Azkaban. 

Harry came outside just as the sun set, and looked at the house. It was in a very secluded area, not unlike the burrow, except it had more trees. It had a huge back yard, with a stream running through it. The house wasn't huge. It had two floors, and looked as though it had been built fifty years ago. It was made out of stone, and the roof was slate. 

Sirius told Harry to come inside, after they both admired Sirius's handy work. They walked through the door and his godfathers face contorted into a state of awe. The floors, after being mopped and scrubbed, shone with gleam from the glossy hardwood finish, and the walls, once grimy and sickly, where now a fresh off-white. The furniture covers where taken off, and the cushions where shampooed. The window glass was washed and polished, and everything was beautiful.

Sirius was having trouble putting together words. He gave up his stuttering nonsense, and settled on opening and closing his mouth, not finding his voice. Harry, slightly alarmed, but mostly amused, held back his laughter, and waited until his godfather came around. Finally, he let out a decipherable statement, "What did you do?'' he asked. 

Harry was faintly disappointed at Sirius's reaction. He had worked very hard, and this wasn't the reaction he had hoped for. Letting a small amount of failure slip into his voice, he said, "You- you don't like it?" he asked. 

"It's, uh-. Clean. And, it's- nice?" he said, still in amazement. 

"What's wrong? I though it looked okay." He said.

"It's just that it, -it looks like we're neat freaks, or that women live here. I was hoping it would look kind of messy. Like ah, - I don't know. Like men live here." He said.

Harry was in shock; it took him a while to close his mouth. "Are you calling me a woman?" he asked in a very pissed-off, high-pitched voice, which threw off the effect. Sirius burst out laughing. 

"No! No, I wasn't calling you a woman! I was just commenting that you clean like woman." He managed to say through his fits of laughter. 

Harry was angry, and slightly confused. He had never been insulted that he cleaned too much before, maybe too little, but never too much. He was suddenly very mad. Something suddenly came over him, and he grabbed the first thing he saw (Which, fortunately for Sirius; was a large pillow) and threw it at Sirius. 

It hit him hard in the face, and he immediately stopped laughing. He then grabbed another and lunged at Sirius. He began recessively hitting him with it. Sirius grabbed a pillow from the couch and hit Harry with it. Harry said, "I may clean like a woman, but at least I don't hit like one. Oh, sorry, didn't mean to insult women." Sirius glowered and hit him harder, and soon they where in an all out pillow war. 

Sirius soon abandoned pillows, and began tickling him, mercilessly. Harry, who was outrageously ticklish was defenseless to it, and was rolling on the floor in a heap of pillows. Suddenly there was a pop, and Remus Lupin was standing in back of Sirius. Harry swallowed the urge to scream for help, and gave him an urgent look as he laughed. 

Lupin nodded, and suddenly Harry stopped being tickled, and heard his godfather's laughter. It seemed that Sirius had been hit with Rictusempra. Sirius, pulled out his wand, trying to say the counter-spell, but in his weak state, Harry easily grabbed it from his and twirled it while Sirius was laughing while scowling, which was a very humorous sight.

Harry nodded to Lupin who in turn, said 'Finite Incantatem'. Sirius abruptly stopped laughing and yelled, "No fair! A third party's against rules."

Harry just smirked, saying "Alls fair in love and pillow wars." Sirius just scowled back. "So, mister mess freak; truce?" he asked. Holding out his hand. Sirius shook it. Harry was tired, and his back had not improved from the events of the day. He looked around the room. It was full of feathers and pillow fluff. "Well, you got your way. The room is a mess! If you want to live like a pig then don't let me stop you. Let me just say that if it starts to smell, I won't hesitate to throw all your stuff out!" 

Sirius looked appalled. "God Harry, I'm so sorry I was in Azkaban; look what the Dursley's did to yo-." But he stopped dead at the look on Harry's face. Harry stopped his smirking, and seemed to go numb. There was a sudden prickling sensation that overcame him, and the instinct to run came over him. He took a shaky step backwards, and almost tripped over a pillow. He backed into a wall, and sunk down against it.

Sirius approached him, but he just pressed himself against the wall harder, almost willing it to let him sink into it, and disappear. Sirius just sat down next to him with a remorseful look on his face. Harry looked down, and Sirius sighed, and began talking, "Look. I didn't mean it that way. I'm sorry if the way I put it wasn't very considerate. It was a joke. I guess I should have thought before I spoke." Harry suddenly felt a wave of fatigue fall over him. It had been a long day, and tomorrow would be even longer.

"Can I please just find a bed to sleep in? I'm tired." He asked in a weary voice. 

"I guess since there are beds here, we can sleep. We'll fix them up tomorrow, and then we'll get out stuff from Remus's house."  And without a further word, Harry trudged his way up the stairs toward the first room he saw, which turned out to be a bathroom. So he went to the next room and lie down on the bed, and fell asleep instantaneously. 

___

Harry woke the next day to find that he had not changed into nightwear, and he looked a mess. His clothes where rumpled, and his hair stood wildly on his head. His face hurt because he had forgotten to take his glasses off, and he smelled foul from not taking a shower after the hard labor he preformed the previous day. He sat up and heard his back crack. He felt stiff all over from not showering, and easing his painful joints. He stood up, painfully and made his way to the door.

When he stepped out of the makeshift bedroom, he spotted his trunk in the hall, and without commenting, he grabbed a set of clean (and overlarge) clothes, and headed off for the bathroom he had mistaken for a bedroom the preceding night. 

After showering for a good twenty minutes, to sooth his aches, he stepped out and wrapped a towel around his waist. He wiped the foggy mirror pane with his arm and looked at his reflection. He had changed a whole lot since the end of the last school year. It must have been all of the chores that his…aunt had assigned for him. His scrawny exterior had disappeared, and a small amount of muscle surfaced. Nothing outlandish, but still, it was noticeable. 

Harry ran his hands through his hair, and tried smoothing it back with a comb, and it looked somewhat better. The mirror barked, "Try some hair gel!" and he shot a nasty glare at it. Harry changed into a tee shirt and rolled his trousers to knee height. It _was _going to be a long day in the sun. 

He walked down the stairs to find that Sirius was sitting at the table with a bowl of cereal. Harry stood in the doorway and Sirius looked at him. "Morning. I've taken the liberty of going shopping." He said. Harry looked at the bowl of cereal and took it that Sirius wasn't the best cook. 

"Morning." And without saying anything, he looked around the kitchen, trying to get acquainted with all of the things that where used for cooking. Finally, after he familiarized himself, he set off, making an omelet. "If soggy cereal doesn't do it for you, I can make you one too." He said when he was half way through making his own. 

"Thanks." He said, taking a sip of coffee. ('At least Sirius can make coffee.' Harry thought) Harry finished breakfast ten minutes later, and he served it with bacon on the side. Sirius was just opening his mouth to speak when Harry cut in with, " Fair warning; the next comment you make will affect whether you eat cereal, or not. I advise you not to say anything at all if it includes the words Betty Crocker, or Martha Steward!"

Sirius immediately shut his mouth. He took a bite and looked up with wide eyes. "Wow! This is good" he said, then they grew silent. The post came in with a letter from Ron, and the Daily Prophet. The note was pretty short.

_Harry,_

_Where are you? Mum had a fit when she read the Daily Prophet! I'm a bit alarmed myself. When it said that your relatives where dead, I spit orange juice all over Ginny! Let me just say, that I don't believe it when they said that you were even partially to blame. _

At this, Harry stopped. His eyes grew big as plates, and his eyes drifted to Sirius, who was still reading the paper, before he looked down at the letter.

_Anyway, I assume that you're staying with Sirius, but if not, tell me._

Ron

Harry looked at Sirius again. "Sirius." He said in order to get his attention. "Why do you think Ron wrote to me saying that I was blamed for the Dursley's?"  He said in a mock innocent voice. Sirius just put on an, 'uh oh, I'm busted' face, and hissed a breath through his teeth. 

"See, uh, the Daily Prophet kind of, said that you where somewhat responsible for your realities death." 

"Yeah, and where would they get that idea? You told me that they wrote that restless death eaters where to blame. Number one; why did they blame me, and number two; why did you lie?"  

Sirius squirmed uncomfortably in his seat, and looked shamefully at him. He silently got up and handed him a newspaper that was in his pocket. "Now I don't want you jumping to conclusions. I want you to talk to me, don't just freak out and do something you might regret. Remember, the press always blows things out of proportion."

Harry Potter's Relatives Dead…coincidence?                                                                                                             

In the home of Number four Privet Drive, the bodies of three individuals; Vernon, Petunia, and Dudley Dursley, were found dead. While most do not think this significant, as they are non-magical, it had also been discovered that they are blood realities of Harry Potter. Above the house was the dark mark; a legendary sign that it is as a result of dark magic. Most assume that it is behavior of restless death eaters, such as the activity of those who participated in the tragedy of last years quidditch world cup. We [The Daily Prophet] have done some investigating, and have found that this is just one of a number of cover-ups by the Ministry of Magic. 

The reason behind the tragedy is quite complex. Special precautions had to be taken in order for Harry Potter to live in a muggle residence. Many wards where constructed over the summer because of the growing number of attacks on muggles, and with these wards came a complex spell known as Spesonific sapenoda, a spell preformed by a powerful witch or wizard (In this case, headmaster Albus Dumbledore) without the knowledge of the person affected by it. 

The spell is a ward that protects the building that he or she resides in at the current time (It moves with the person so they are always protected. While traveling the street, the person will become untraceable to all those wishing to cause him harm. Therefore, the boy would always be protected while under it.)

Neighbors report seeing Potter leave the house dragging a trunk and bird cage with him. We have been informed that the boy left the house with no intent to return. 

An interview with Professor Dumbledore, who claims that you-know-who has risen, has testified that he [You-know-you] is after Potter, and put up wards of his own, thinking that Dumbledore had set protection spells on the house, instead of on the boy in general. Whenever the boy left his home on Privet Drive, You-Know-Who's wards would be set off, and he must have assumed that the wards fell and that it would be wise to attack him while he is vulnerable, and lacking a wand at reach. 

He-who-shall-not-be-named apparently went looking for the boy-who-lived, and when he found the boy absent, became infuriated and tortured and killed the three muggles. While no one can prove the rise of he-who-shall-not-be-named, we have a large amount of evidence in favor of the theory. 

We are not positive about the whereabouts' of Harry Potter, but we are certain that he is in no harm, and will remain in a safe area for the remainder of the summer. We at the Daily Prophet would like to send out our gratitude for the death of yet another loved one of Harry Potter. May our thought be with you, and all of those who have lost kin in attacks by death eaters.

   

Harry slowly put the paper down. Inside of him, a million emotions whirled around, fighting to surface, until numbness overcame him, and he almost collapsed with exhaustion. Once again, that all to familiar shiver shot down his spine. He felt the urge to scream till his voice went numb, or yell to the world of how unfair his life was, or cry until the he became too dehydrated, and the tears couldn't come, and he wanted to hit something. He couldn't move. Almost couldn't draw air. Finally the feelings inside of him gave way, and he did the only logical thing that occurred to his mind. He laughed.

Later, it was probably the most bizarre thing he could do, but he laughed. It was nothing to make heads turn; he just quietly chuckled. It was his eye's that were scary. His eyes turned a dark, almost forest green color- a sharp contrast to his regular emerald green. Then he began getting louder. It was a dry laugh, containing no emotion. He just sat there laughing with chilling, dark green eyes that looked like he was withholding something. 

Sirius looked very alarmed. Like he just found out that there was an insane madman in his kitchen. Harry just laughed harder. He laughed until his voice ached. Sirius just sat there. Possibly too scared to do something, or perhaps curious to see what Harry would do next. After a minute of no-holds laughing, he suddenly buried his head in his arms sobbing. 

He cried and cried; sobbing wracked over his body like waves crashing over him, crushing him to the ground, until all he could do was lay there and drown in the sea of emotion. It took him a moment, but he suddenly realized a key factor. There were no tears spilling down his face. There was no burning sensation in the back of his eyes. Had it not been for his sobs, no one would notice he was even crying. It was not in sorrow he cried; nor in grieving, but because he was so frustrated. He had had enough of everything being on his shoulders. Tired of everything always being his fault. He was tired of things he didn't want anything to do with suddenly becoming his business. He wanted to give it up! To let someone else feel the responsibility of having to fight Voldemort. 

Finally, he wore himself out so badly that he couldn't muster up the strength to weep any longer. 

Sirius was still staring at him as though he had grown an extra head. Suddenly, his eyes glazed over as they had done two nights ago. Sirius quickly snapped out of it, and stood up, and quietly walked to the seat closest to Harry. They sat there for quite a while, in an awkward silence that was broken only by Harry's heavy breathing from his outburst. 

Sirius finally sighed in a poor attempt at breaking the stillness. "Firstly, before I go and make a fool out of myself trying to comfort you by saying something that is totally irrelevant to what's wrong, may I ask what's bothering you?" he said in a discouraged voice.

Harry didn't know what else to do. Even in his sorry state, he still felt embarrassed for his insane behavior. He still wasn't sure what had possessed him to laugh like that. "I- I really don't know! Everything in the world just seems to be crashing down on me. It's totally my fault. Everything. If I hadn't left the house, the wards wouldn't have gone down." Harry could have gone on for hours, but something held him back. Something always held him back. He had built up a block of emotions, and feelings, and when times where bad, he could never confess anything; He never told anyone his feelings. He just let them build up inside of him. 

"Harry, it's not your fault. It was never your fault. Don't take your frustration out on yourself; just remember, Voldemort did everything. If you're going to be angry at anything, let it be him." Harry didn't respond. He didn't know how to respond. He had just woken up, and yet he was exhausted. 

"Can I-Can I just go back to bed? I don't feel well. I- I just want to go back to sleep. This all happened too fast." He said in a desperate voice. Sirius looked hesitant. He sighed again.

"Alright, you can go. Just- be willing to talk about this more when you wake up. You know we need to, and putting it off will just intensify the problem. I'll wake you up in two hours okay?" he asked. Harry just nodded. 

As he headed up the stairs, Harry felt a new feeling overwhelm him; defeat. He just wanted to crawl in a hole and pretend to be asleep for the rest of his life. He looked at his bedroom from the corner of his eye, but decided that he might as well splash some water on his face first. It was early in the morning, and falling asleep in the middle of the day wasn't healthy.

He walked in and once again looked in the reflection that stared back at him. His eyes held that look of solitude from the rest of the world. He was the boy-who-lived, and he would never be 'just Harry' again. He was different from everyone else. He turned on the faucet and let the cold-water burn over his face, sending him sputtering for a towel. He sat there for a few moments, wandering what he should do. 

He suddenly saw a glint, and noticed the shiny metal of a razor sitting on the shelf of the cabinet. He picked it as if it was made of glass. He silently stared at it. He didn't know if he dared do it. It wasn't the courage he lacked, but he wasn't sure if it was the right thing to do. He didn't want to consider the outcome if the world found out what the Boy-who-lived did in his spare time. It wasn't a trait smiled upon. And what if Sirius found out? 

Suddenly, his eyes became darkened with inner turmoil. 'SO WHAT?' the pist off side of his brain hollered. 'The world around me is turning into living hell. I'll do what I want!' The other side-the logical side- retorted 'that doesn't mean you should go around cutting yourself. Go talk to Sirius if you feel this way.' 

'Sirius.' He thought. 'I want to talk to him; I just can't. I don't know why. I guess I'm probably bothering the man to death with all of my stupid problems. I'll settle this my own way.' And he raised the hand holding the razor…

End Chapter III-Mess freaks and pillow wars

Thanks for reading, luv ya, but I'll luv ya so much more if you review!

Notes to the readers: Well, uh… *Ducks flying tomato* I know, cutting?! On my behalf, it was my muse that did it. You can't blame me. I was just a shell! Have you ever seen that show Animorphs? You know how the little slug thingy's go into the peoples ears, and take over their minds? Well, it was like something took over my mind and wrote the story. I would get rid of it, but now parts of the story are kind of entwined with it. It won't be a major part of story, but it may happen one more time, maybe two, tops. I'm sorry if that's not your cup of tea. That was what I meant by controversial.

Responses to the reviewers: 

Starlette- Thank you for your reviews. Wow, two people came back to my story. (And those people happen to be the only ones who reviewed) You should have taken a guess. I love knowing the opinions of my reviewers. I wonder if you thought that Harry was going to Azkaban, like SarahPeach did. I went back to read it and it could be… but it wasn't. I don't plan on abandoning it. I don't think I would actually plan on abandoning a story though. Some times you just go blank on what to write. That's why I've already written seven chapters so far; in case I can't write much for a while.  Thank you for your review, and for putting me on your fav list. That means soooo much to me! 

Sarahpeach- Yeah, uh, I felt bad all week after your review, cause I wanted to tell you, no, that's not what is going to happen! Of course I wouldn't send Harry to Azkaban. *Cradles stuffed Harry doll to my chest* I wuv him way too much to ever do that to him. Yeah, let me try and put that part of the chapter in synopsis (Don't you just love that word?). See, Harry went down the stairs, and heard Sirius and Remus talking about something they weren't going to tell him. He went into the kitchen and pretended not to know what they had said. He knew that whatever it was, it was in the newspaper. You found out what was in the paper. See Remus told Sirius not to tell him. And for good reason too. See what happened? Well, I hope I cleared that up for you.

       So, how was your prom? I hope the cut your friend got wasn't a bad sign. I think that it's ironic; that you think that it's ironic that that chapter was ironic, when it is called 'Murphy's law, or irony at the very least'. Isn't that ironic? Wow, look at all the times I used ironic… that's ironic! Well, I hope that that was long enough for you. I love writing, even if it is review reviews! I'm sure you drew that conclusion by all of the hugely long reviews I gave you, I hope you didn't find them annoying, I sure don't. 

Next Chapter: Dreams, Cuts, and Bitter Hot Chocolate. I guess you can conclude what happened at the end of this chapter by the title of this next one. We have a look at Harry's subconscious through his dreams, but it's more of a settling chapter, nothing big happens. Hope you like it. Heck, I hope you haven't ditched my story already!


	4. Dreams, cuts, and Bitter Hot Chocolate

                                                                            **Loss**

                                                                         By Hpfan

Chapter IV-Dreams, cuts, and bitter hot chocolate

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Harry made his way to his bedroom; scarring cuts etched over his upper arms, able to be covered by a tee shirt. He lied his head down on his pillow, and couldn't manage to let himself sleep. It was getting later into the morning, and the more he larked about, the less time he had before he went out and talked to Sirius. 'It's not that I don't want to talk to him; I just don't know what to say. Is he going to look down on me? I mean I did ultimately kill my only family, accidentally or not. He's not going to come out and say it, but I guess I'll never know what he's thinking. I can't ask him. What would I say: Sirius, do you consider me a murderer?' It sounded ridiculous even in his head. 

'Then again, Sirius probably feels the same way about me. Or, he did when he first knew me. Probably thinks that I consider him the murderer of my parents. All of these questions I can't, or don't know how to ask.' He sighed to himself. Maybe it wasn't just Sirius he didn't want to face, maybe it was a roundabout everyone. Facing Sirius meant facing the rest of the world. He could put it off all he wanted, but Hogwarts meant more rumors, more shunting glares. No one would care that he lost his family. That would think they died at his hand. And it didn't look good to the wizard world. First, Cedric Diggory mysteriously vanishes along with Harry Potter, and who comes back alive? 

Now, after a summer of living with his relatives, they die. Once again, who made it out alive? Since the Daily Prophet had been know for all of it's gossip, everyone would assume that he was really the murderer, and they were just making up this convincing story to cover it up. Then again, would they realize the stuff Rita Skeeter wrote about him before was just gossip? 

'Wow,' he thought to himself, 'I never knew I was so shallow as to think of the worlds opinion of me before my friends and…well- I guess I no longer have family. I never thought of their opinion of me before though.' Harry determined that he would talk to Sirius. He was practically Harry's family. He shook his head. Before the Dursley's died, he wouldn't even consider them his family, but more of a skeleton in his closet. Not because they were muggles, but because they were just so anti-wizard. He felt ashamed to be related to them. 

Now, he realized that, despite how his relationship with his family was, he couldn't change the fact that they were his blood. Friends come and go in your life. 'Well, in my case, they stay, but some friends; like Seamus, and Dean, you'll drift apart.' He couldn't do anything about bloodlines. He guessed that it was all how you considered family. 

'I suppose I have two family's, or I did. Hermione and Ron, and Sirius and the Weasley's, they're my family. But the Dursley's, and my Parents; I never had the chance to learn to love my parents, but that doesn't mean that I don't. Those are my blood. I have to honor the fact that they were related to me. It doesn't have to be a public statement, but privately, I'll cherish it that I knew some of my kin.

Harry looked at his arms. The blood had clotted, but his arm was scratched over and over. He looked as if he had been through a nasty encounter with a cat, but that argument wouldn't work, because they looked too direct. The scratches where only in a place that would be covered by his tee shirt. If anyone were to see them, they would instantly know they where self-inflicted. 

Harry didn't regret what he did. As he cut, he felt like the pain was to make up for all of the hell he had put his realities through. He had accepted the fact that they were dead, just not the fact that he had their blood on his hands. Voldemort didn't feel guilty for killing them, so Harry, in the back of his mind, felt the urge to avenge their death, even if it meant that he was causing harm to himself. Someone had to feel the guilt of their death.

Just as it happened with Wormtail, he couldn't kill or let someone be killed. He just couldn't live with the guilt that he could have saved someone from his or her death, and did nothing. At least he had no choice in the matter with the Dursley's. He just stood there, trying to help, knowing he couldn't do anything. 

Harry lay there, contemplating more and more, and didn't realize it when two hours went by. He looked at the clock, and saw that it was already mid-day. Where was Sirius? Was he even in the house? Maybe he was out shopping again. Harry went down the stairs to the kitchen and tried calling his name. He saw a letter on the table.

_Harry,_

_I'll be out for a bit. See you soon,_

_Sirius_

Harry just shrugged. He had no idea where Sirius could be. He felt slightly let down that he wasn't there to talk to him, but he guessed that he would just have to get over it. He looked on the back for a P.S., but found none. He supposed that he was to get started on the work himself. He quietly walked outside. He noticed that the gate was open, but that was all. He looked at the house and walked the perimeter of it. He noticed that they where pretty much encircled by tree's, and a small path led away from it. It was big enough for a car to pass through, or more importantly, a motorcycle. There was perhaps one-and-a-half acres of land surrounding the house; perfect for playing Quidditch, as the trees would block out any wandering muggle eyes. 

Harry just walked up to a hose, and filled a bucket with water and soap, and started washing the filthy outsides of the windows. When he finished the first floor, and walked out to the garden shed - apparently they had one-and fetched a ladder to climb up to the next floor. After he finished, he went to the upper stories to fix up the rooms of the house. 

Finally, after almost two hours past, Harry had finished his bedroom, decorating it with some Quidditch stickers, and posters, and fixing the color-with a magical paintbrush- to light blue (AN- HA! You thought I would do Scarlet and gold, or green! In your face!). He set up some furniture to make the make the room look better, as he had a pretty large room.

He then fixed up some other rooms with furniture, and went down stairs to make himself a late lunch. It was nearly two O'clock in the afternoon when he heard the roar of Sirius's motorcycle. When he came in the house, Sirius didn't question what Harry had been doing and Harry didn't grill Sirius as to where he had been-though he was interested. 

Harry had left him a sandwich on the counter, and Sirius just ate it, with out uncertainty. "So, how have you been?" Sirius finally asked. 

Harry didn't let his annoyance slip into his voice. "I've been fine; just fixing up the house a bit." It really wasn't that big a deal. Sirius was a grown man; he could go out where ever he wanted to. 

"That's nice. Say, how would you like to get out of the house today? You've been pretty confined all summer, right?" He asked. To tell the truth, Harry was confined every summer since he went to Hogwarts, and before, he was usually locked in his cupboard. But he pushed those thoughts away, as it reminded him of the Dursleys. Harry merely nodded to show his approval of a break outside-doing something besides hard labor.

Sirius and Harry agreed to do have a few games of Quidditch. Sirius proved to be almost as good a flyer as Harry. They played a few rounds of non-traditional style, Quidditch. Finally, Harry asked, "Say Sirius, where you ever on the Quidditch team?" Harry asked.

A flash of resentment displayed over his face, when he said in a voice very unlike his own, "No.", in a very closing proclamation. Harry didn't press the subject, as it seemed to bother his godfather.  

Harry silently walked back to the house after the game. There was no clear-cut winner as they hadn't been keeping score, but Harry felt like he had just won a Quidditch game. Quidditch always had the effect of clearing his mind. In the sky, all fear, all anger, all frustration was left on the ground. Sirius and Harry rarely talked during the game, but Harry didn't mind, he simply let the wind rip through his hair in delight. 

When they got to the house, Sirius sat on the couch, and motioned for Harry to join him. Harry felt the dread that had left him while flying, grow to an intense pressure. While he had some anxiety, he knew that this was bound to happen. It was only a matter of time. He walked over to the chair sitting perpendicular to Sirius's. Harry sat stiffly, as did Sirius, as if they both didn't want to be there, or at least in such an awkward situation. 

"Harry," Sirius began, "I'm worried about you. Is there something you want to talk about?" It was a basic conversation starter, but mostly, it wasn't a question. It was just a polite command.

Harry sighed- something both of them had been doing a lot lately. "About what?" It wasn't really a question either, because both of them knew exactly what they needed to discuss. 

Sirius returned his sigh, as if saying, 'your not going to make this easy on me, are you?' He just gave Harry a scrutinizing glance. Finally, he broke the act. "I know it's hard, what with the Dursleys being dead and all, and now this paper comes out and says everything but 'it's your fault', but you can't just go to your room and hide away. For one, you have to go back to school, and you have to know what you're facing, and I'm going to be straightforward, there will be a lot of people who will give you suspicious looks, with you being on the top of Voldemort's hit list. Plus, you're just burying yourself in depression, and guilt, and let me tell you, it'll drive you mad. Literally. I've seen it happen. People just curling up in corners and shunting out the rest of the world, and they go crazy and try to kill themselves." 

Harry just lay back against the chair. "I know. I'm not going to kill myself though." He said.

"Promise me that you'll never go to that. Swear you'll always talk to me when things get too out-of-hand." Harry wondered if Sirius thought he was withholding something. Did he know about the cuts? 

"I promise I won't. I'll talk with you whenever I feel bad enough to even regard it as it an option-but I'm not. I didn't even take it into consideration." Harry said, feeling good he was finally being honest. 

"Okay. Now, is there anything else you want to talk to me about?" Harry thought about asking him where he had been, but decided against it. He shook his head. Sirius stood up, and gave Harry a hug. Then he led the way to the kitchen. 

He motioned for Harry to sit down at the table. "Now, I want to give you your birthday present. I totally forgot about it until today. Sorry." Harry simply shrugged. He handed Harry a small package.  Harry opened it to find a watch.

There where almost seven different dials on the silvery metal watch. "It's magically powered so you don't have to worry about the battery or winding it or anything like that. It's waterproof, and pretty much indestructible. I didn't know what else you would like. I know you liked Quidditch so I got you a broom, but I don't know what else I could get you involving Quidditch. One of those dials will time your capture of the snitch." 

"Wow. This is cool. How did you know that I needed a new watch?" he said. He took off the cheap watch he had bought, and put on the new one. It seemed to suit him a lot better. 

"I don't know- Godfathers intuition?" he gave him a goofy grin. 

"So, what do you want for dinner?" Harry asked. His appetite had increased lately. Maybe he was having a growth spurt. 

"I'm not hungry. Why don't you make yourself something, and then we'll try to get the rooms finished." Harry nodded in agreement. He made himself a big bowl of pasta, which he downed in almost ten minutes flat. Even Harry was shocked at his dramatic boost in hunger.

He went up the stairs and saw Sirius looking at Harry room. "'S going on?" Sirius looked startled, but he didn't say anything about it. 

"Nice job on your room Harry. Light blue though?" He asked with a quirked eyebrow. 

"Hey, it's better then florescent orange, like in Ron's room." Sirius's eyebrow rose higher. "He's a Chudley Cannons fan." Harry gave him a look and they both burst out laughing. 

"Well, I'll go paint my room." So they worked for an hour, painting the rooms of the house. Harry went up to explore in the attic. There wasn't anything too amazing up there. The previous owner, or owners, must have died, or suddenly moved away because all of their things where still there. Harry did find an almost ancient chess set. The chess pieces seemed to be hand crafted, because they had very elegant designs. 

Harry brought it down the stairs and set it up on a dinning room table that they would probably never eat on unless someone special came over. It made a nice decorative- old English touch to the room. Finally, after quite a few cleaning spells, the house was finished. 

Harry laid out his homework on the study, and attempted to finish his potions essay. After reading the potions book three and a half times over the summer, he still couldn't figure out how the variety of ways to chop up potion ingredients would have any effect on how the potion turned out, but he finally decided that it had to be a trick question, and the answer was that it didn't.

Finally, after finishing his very drawn out paper, he played a few games of exploding snap, and settled on the couch to read some more of the book Hermione got him. Sirius walked over to him after about 15 minutes, and began talking to him. In the middle of his sentence, he burst out laughing. 

"What? What's wrong?" he asked in bewilderment. 

"Your-your face! It's all black!" Harry felt his face. His hand came back with soot on it. He cracked a grin.

"I was playing exploding snap." He said. Sirius shot him a knowing look. 

"Well, anyway, when do you usually go to bed by?" It was nearly eight O'clock, but Harry normally didn't stay up late. He would probably go to bed at nine. 

"I don't know; whenever I'm tired. Probably not for another hour." Sirius looked almost tense, but Harry couldn't think of any reason why Sirius would want him to go to bed so early. "I guess I can just read upstairs in bed, and then go to sleep when I'm tired." 

Sirius just shrugged, but his eyes defied him. It was clear he want Harry to do just that. So he got up and made his way up to his room. He read his book for a half-an-hour, before finishing it. He picked up Quidditch Through the Ages, and skimmed it in a bored way, as he had read the book countless times. Finally, he decided he might as well go to bed. 

Harry showered and washed his ash-black face off. He changed into nightwear, and after tossing and turning for five minutes, he settled down into slumber.

**___******

_Harry stood on the graveyard infront of a fairly large grave. It was a windy night, and Harry felt slightly exposed in his short-sleeve pajamas. He looked around and saw Cedric's body lying on the ground with his cold glassy eyes staring up at him. Suddenly, Cedric stood up and stared at Harry; his unblinking eyes filled with hatred and fury. His face contorted into a look of disgust, and Harry seemed to be shrinking, or Cedric seemed to be growing. _

_"You killed me Harry. You killed me, just like you killed your mother! Your father died trying to protect your mother and you, and he died in vain, because you murdered your mother, and you grew up to be a killer, so your just as bad as Voldemort." He said in a cold voice, very unlike his own had been._

_Suddenly, his uncle appeared next to Cedric, and Harry didn't remember him being half as tall as he appeared here. "You killed me and my family boy! You disgusting piece of scum! You don't deserve to live, but you are alive while we're rotting in a grave somewhere." _

_Harry tried to protest, but couldn't think of anything to say in his defense. "I- I'm sorry. Your right, I should have died. You should be alive right now, but I can't do anything about it. I wish I could." His parents appeared next to him. He flinched, expecting hard, cruel words to be spat, but all they did was stand there, looking disappointed. It was like a slap in the face. He wished they would scream or shout at him, or hit him, but all they did was stand there, looking at him with sad, let down faces that made Harry feel as though he had committed a mortal sin._

_Inside, he knew he didn't really kill them. Voldemort and his Deatheaters had done the dead, but with his Uncle and Cedric shouting, and his parents looking heartbroken, he couldn't help but feel responsible. "Please. I'm sorry. If I could have taken your place, I would have. I wish it could have been me, but I can't do anything now." He pleaded. _

_His mother looked away in shame, and he realized that nothing he could do or say would ever penance for actions- or lack of actions, so the circumstances called for. He knew that even if he begged for forgiveness, it wouldn't be given, because nothing could be done. A tear slipped down his face, with this revelation, and he saw his uncles face turn into that of mocking. Cedric looked at him with revulsion. His aunt and cousin appeared with sneering faces and his parent looked disgusted. _

_"Go and cry, baby. You know you want to." His cousin's face shouted to him. Harry took a step backwards, and then another. He wanted to run, but it was as if he had anvils in his shoes. He edged backwards and tripped over the gravestone. The world went fuzzy as he landed with a thud on the ground. Everyone was standing over him, looking at him with disapproval, revulsion, or malice, shouting crude words of hatred or profanity. _

_Harry put his hands over his face shielding himself as if his hands could block out the insults, but they came in full force. The tears spilled down his face with drive as he coward, saying, "Please, just leave me alone. I'm sorry. I can't do anything. Please just let me be. I didn't wish for any of it. Do you think I wanted to grow up without parents? I may not have been the biggest fan of you, Uncle Vernon, but I never wanted you, or your family dead. And I never wanted Wormtail to kill you, Cedric. There wasn't anything I could do." He opened his eyes, to not ominous faces, but the light-blue ceiling of his room.  _

**___******

Harry breathed a sigh of relief. The dream had felt so authentic. He wiped off some of the sweat and tears on his face. Finally, he put on his glasses and walked out into the hall. The shadows cast over it making it look eerie. He quickened his pace and walked down the semi-dark stairs and into the living room. He grabbed the blanket and wrapped it around himself. Despite the muggy weather, Harry needed some form of comfort. He felt cold all over his body, but even though the blanket made him feel stifling hot, he felt as though there were dementors in the room. 

He wandered into the kitchen and leaned against the wall. He realized that wandering aimlessly around the house would get him no-where, but he couldn't bear to go back to his empty, unwelcoming bedroom. He banged his head against the wall. He felt like there was nothing he could do. Every night, dreams were going to plague him, and every night, he was just going to have to suffer through them. Sirius must have been sleeping, but when he went back to Hogwarts, there would be four other boys in his room. He couldn't wake up screaming and expect them to just ignore him.

Then there was Ron. 'What would Ron think?' He wandered. Would he take it as a sign of weakness, or would he just blow it off? Maybe they would stop by the time summer ended. But, maybe they wouldn't. What if he would have to live with them until he died? Harry sunk down against the wall. 

"I'm screwed," he said quietly. He finally stood up, and when to the stove to make himself some hot chocolate. Then he sat down, he took one sip and let the cup rest. He didn't know how long he sat there, staring into oblivion. He just keep wandering if he would ever get over his problem, and no amount of optimism could help him, it just made him feel like he was fighting a losing battle and the more he smiled and pumped himself up, the more he was destined to be disappointed. 

Harry couldn't tell if it was two minutes, or two hours when he heard a buzzing noise. At first, he didn't even realize he had heard it, but after a moment, he noticed it. The first thought was Sirius's motorcycle, but he blew that off, knowing Sirius was in bed. After it went away, Harry just ignored it. Finally, he looked down at his hot chocolate, and subconsciously took a sip. His taste buds had been in a stupor along with his brain, but his throat noted that it was room temperature, and the aftertaste made him gag, as all of the cocoa mix had sunk to the bottom, leaving the taste bitter. 

He must have been sitting there longer then he had thought. Suddenly, the door to the kitchen opened and Sirius came in. He looked startled for a moment, seeing Harry. Harry wandered what he was doing up, when he noticed that Sirius wasn't wearing pajama's, but normal robes. He didn't look like he had just gotten up, but like he had been out all night and needed some rest. 

Harry stared at him, wondering what had happened. Sirius looked uneasy, as if he didn't want to say anything that could get him in trouble. Finally, he said, "Hey, Harry, what are you doing up?"

"I, uh, had a nightmare, and I came down here to get some something to drink." Harry felt an urge to leave, so he followed his instincts. "I'll just be going now." And with that he went up the stairs and into his bedroom. He noticed that the sun was shining brightly from beneath the border of the horizon. He took of his glassed and got into his rumpled bed, and just laid there, facing his pillow, and breathing in the scent of his hair, until he had to come up for a breath from being smothered. 

After two minutes, he heard the door creak open. He didn't look up, knowing it was either Sirius or the wind. He knew it was Sirius as he heard shuffling footsteps. "Harry? You all right?" he asked, coming into the room. Harry turned around to face Sirius.

"Yeah, I'm fine." He really didn't feel like discussing his dream, because he knew what the response would be. Sirius would just say that what happened wasn't his fault and no one blamed him because of it. Harry knew that. It _wasn't_ his fault. It was like Sirius said, people just naturally feel guilty, even when they couldn't do anything about it. 

"Do you want to talk about it?" he asked. Harry could see the tiredness in his eyes. He probably didn't want to talk at all; he was probably just being considerate. 

"Nah, I'll be fine." He said. Sirius sighed, and came to the bed to sit down. 

"Have you been having bad dreams a lot lately?" Harry supposed that once every two weeks wasn't really that big a deal, but he couldn't really be sure. It was more then he usually had, except for the time right before he went after the philosophers (AN: Sorcerers if you want to.)  stone in his first year. Harry didn't want to lie, but he didn't want anyone worried about it either. It wasn't that big a deal- it was just that this dream had been so- lifelike. He could see the looks on their faces: the sneering, and the disappointment. 

It wasn't the nightmares that bothered him, but that it seemingly had no solution. At least in first year, he had known that if he finally went down the trapdoor, the dreams would stop, but now- now his problems were in the past, and would haunt him incessantly. 

"I- I'll be fine. I've got bigger things to deal with then nightmares." He said, hoping that he didn't sound to pathetic. Sirius's frown deepened.  Apparently that wasn't the right thing to say either.

"Look," Sirius had a perturbed look, like he wished Harry would just come out and say what had happened, "If you don't want to tell me, you don't have to. I've had dreams before that I really would rather keep to myself; let alone, tell an adult. Next time I'm out I'll buy some dreamless sleep potion. That should get you to bed after a nightmare, but if you ever need to talk…"

Sirius seemed ill at ease. He must have considered that he had been out that night. Harry still wondered where he had been, but Sirius would say something had he wanted Harry to know. Plus, he would probably find out sooner or later anyway. Finally, Sirius continued, "Well, don't hesitate to knock, and if I'm not there, we'll talk when I get home." 

Harry just gave him a look that said; 'whatever!' thought the prospect of dreamless sleep potion was good. Sirius ruffled his hair and gave his shoulders a squeeze, and then he left for his own room. Harry merely shrugged and rolled onto his side. Sirius was a cool godfather.  

End Chapter IV-Dreams, cuts, and bitter hot chocolate

Once again, thank you all for reading. Even if you don't like my fic, can you review and insult me? I want to know how you think I'm doing with this…

Note to the readers: You will find out soon enough where Sirius was… well, maybe not soon, but you'll find out, or you'll figure it out. I hope you all weren't too confused with his cutting. He wasn't committing suicide, he was just cutting.  

Notes to the reviewers: 

A.Dee The Anglophile: Uh, wow meaning, good, or wow, like, whoa, that sucked? Or maybe somewhere in the middle? Yup, Harry is, er, he's being stupid! I mean, well, he's being an idiot, yes… but that's how I wrote the fic… he's acting stupidly. Anyway, thanks for your review- I think. I'm just kidding, you know I how much I luv you, and your fics… right? You know I would never kill Harry!

SarahPeach: Okay, there is obviously either some kind of conspiracy going on, or I'm just making a big deal out of something stupid, but it seems like the irony just never ceases! I got the idea of cutting from that episode of 7th Heaven! It was an old one, and I've just started watching the show recently, but I saw it on ABC family, and the idea stuck with me to do a fic, involving cutting. Is it a famous episode, or is there just something really creepy going on? 

It was self-mutilation, but, well, it seems a lot worse when you call it that though. It sounds like your taking a saw and taking off some limbs (I was thinking Wormtail right then). Also, you mentioned about how Harry got pissed off cause Sirius called him girly. I was taking a trait of my best friend Matt. Whenever I insult his manhood, he freaks out, and his voice gets all high-pitched. It makes me laugh so much that I do it just to make him mad. (And no, he's not gay) The one thing that I have noticed with boys in my school is that the worst thing that you can do to insult their pride to question their sexuality, or masculinity; it just seems to be the age group, or maybe it's just all straight men everywhere!  

The article wasn't really aimed at blaming him; it wasn't how it was phrased, it was what it said. He was reading between the lines. I wanted Ron's letter to be what caused him to question Sirius about it, but it didn't come out right. I was kind of worried about how the readers would take to the whole Dursley thing because they treat him so bad, he doesn't seem like he would stand up for them, so I was trying not to focus so much on them, but how he feels like he's putting his friends in Jeopardy, so that's why he felt so accountable.

Congrats on the success of your prom! I'm happy for you. I hope your friend doesn't have tetanus.  

Next chapter: (It may be out anytime in the next week) PDA's and a TV. Harry goes out ot Diagon alley, meets some people, witnesses some interesting events, and above all, buys a TV. That reminds me, if any of you British people out there can tell me what it is you watch, I would be grateful. Right now, I know that you have the Simpson, and Who's Line is it Anyway over there, but if I'm not told, then I'm just gonna assume that you watch the same things we do.  


	5. PDAs and a TV

                                                                            **Loss**

                                                                         By Hpfan

Chapter V-PDA's and a TV

Harry had sleep until noon the next day. He woke up to the sun shining heavily through the window behind Harry. One of the best features of the room was that the window stretching above Harry's bed was huge and the ledge could seat two people if they wanted to sit there. The bed was set up so that the light didn't shine in Harry's eyes in the early morning.

Harry felt slightly refreshed, but mostly lazy. It wasn't really one of those days where you wanted to jump out of bed and run laps, but then, he wouldn't have to. Now that the house was pretty much set up, Harry was free to roam the place in his pajamas and jag around all day long- but he had worked so hard all summer and he was finally starting to outgrow his scrawny, adolescent exterior, and was shedding them for a new, slightly developed, robust appearance.

Harry slid off the bed, grumpily got in the shower and put on some clothes, briefly glancing at his scars. When he got downstairs he noticed that Sirius wasn't up, and cooked himself a brunch. He couldn't think of anything to do, so he went for a walk outside. He was slightly eager to explore some of the surrounding woods in the vicinity.

Harry left a note for Sirius, telling him he would be outside, and left for the woods.

Harry wandered around for half-an-hour. He saw quite a few animals from magical textbooks. He saw a small stream and followed it. It seemed to widen into a brook, or small river. Finally, when the current of the river seemed fast enough for white water rafting, he found a larger waterfall.

The drop seemed around fifty feet, and if he fell from the cliff, the impact would probably kill him, if the heart attack didn't first. Next to the river was a high, flat rock, that was three-fourths his height. He climbed up and let the water sting his face, fogging up his glasses with the mist. 

Harry sat there, in the small clearing for fifteen minutes. It felt good to lie there without threat of Voldemort, or bad dreams. Finally, he realized that Sirius must be up and was probably wondering about him, and it would most likely take more time to get back to the house then it did to get out here.

He was correct in his assumptions, and it took him forty-five minutes to return. When he got back, he was sweaty, and his shoes where muddy. He spread out of the couch in his socks (He had been trained too well to get the couch dirty) and lay there for a few minutes. Suddenly he heard footsteps on the stairs, and saw Sirius, clad in muggle jeans and a tee shirt, plod down the stairs, lazily. He saw Harry lying idly on the couch and leaned against the back of it.

"I see that while I've been sleeping, you've been out running around, getting sweaty and smelly." Sirius said in a tranquil voice.

"Ha!" Harry laughed, "If you think this is sticky, you should have seen what I looked like after working out in the garden all day."

"Well, it looks like it paid off, cause your getting built. James was real scrawny up until he was in sixth-year, but then he got built and every girl and her cousin wanted him. He already had your mother by then, so he wasn't in any position to see half the female population at school. Now me- I was always built, so I was seeing girls every night."

"All the guys looked up to me, cause I could get any girl I wanted, but it was your father that was lucky, cause he just had the one girl that he knew would be 'the one'. I would probably never have found the right girl. I guess it was better that way. No hearts to break when I went to Azkaban."

Harry looked at him with sorrow, but then he turned his head sharply. "Did you just say that you thought I was scrawny?" he said in a teasingly mad voice. Sirius's eyes danced with mirth. 

"If you picked up that little hint, you'll probably catch on to the fact that I said you're built." He said. "But now, well, I'm sure you can imagine how much physical activity there is in a jail cell." He said. Harry suddenly had the mental image of Sirius dressed in workout gear, and pretending to fight to the theme of 'Rocky' in a dark jail cell. Just the illusion made him laugh out loud. 

Sirius gave him a silly grin. He went and sat in the armchair, and Harry sat in the one next to him. He turned on the massage function that the leather chair came built in with. "You know, Sirius, you should get a television. It's pretty boring around here." He said.

"Yeah, your right. There aren't enough fun things to do around here. Maybe when we go out to get your school supplies we'll pick one up." He said.

"When are we going to Diagon Alley, anyway?" he asked. 

"Uh, today if you want to." He replied. Harry shrugged. After four years, Diagon Alley had lost most of its amazing appeal. He had changed a lot since first year. He had lost his wide-eyed innocence after experiencing so many deaths, and he was really starting to grow up and realize the threat imposed by the world around him. Plus, his frame of mind had kind of altered. It might have just been puberty, but Harry was looking at things a lot differently. 

Harry sat quietly, waiting for nothing in particular to occur. It was boring, sitting around the house doing nothing, but it was oddly satisfying, knowing he had no responsibilities then to just laze around like he didn't give a damn. He didn't realize it when he dropped off to sleep.

**___******

_The old-fashioned house had a spooky atmosphere. The air was a chilling temperature that seemed to seep through your skin, despite the summer heat. The hallway shades where closed, giving it a semi-darkened state. Harry walked slowly in his socks, taking in the narrow corridor. His scar was burning with small intensity. The room came into view, and his heart lurched as he saw the chair. He instantly knew what was happening. _

_His cold, cruel voice shot like a whip, while his demeanor hardly paid any mind to his harsh tone. His arm emerged from behind the chair, and it clutched a wand firmly, as if the wielder was itching to cast a spell. _

_"My death eaters! Come!" Harry assumed that because of the loss of Wormtail, that Voldemort needed to call his head death eaters to him. Slowly, they arrived; clad in black, masked robes. One by one they bowed down and kissed the hem of their masters robes. Then they turned and got into a circle._

_"To my disappointment, I found the house that was suppose to be holding Harry Potter full of his muggle relatives, but didn't find him. I killed off his only remaining blood though. Through this action, I have found the solution to the hitch in our plans. We can never get him because his friends always surround him. While at school, Albus Dumbledore ensures his safety. During the summer, the wards around him and his house are impenetrable. He also has protection from his godfather."_

_"This also got me thinking. How dear are his friends to him? If we eliminate all of those obstacles, then we leave the path clear to a depressed and distraught Potter! Now, his highest protector is Albus Dumbledore. He is also the ticket to the wizard world. So we begin by planning to take Albus Dumbledore. Then Harry Potter, and most importantly, the world, will be ours. _

_Around the seated figure, death eaters chuckled heavily. Harry felt the urge to leap on one of them, but he knew that his dream image wasn't capable of doing that._

_"But I expect that we should set our aims a bit lower for now. You may go for now. Malfoy, you and Avery will need to prepare for a special mission for me. I will inform you of this later." He dismissed them and and Harry waited for the dream to end. _

**___**

Harry slowly rose from the reclining chair. He noticed that Sirius was sleeping heavily on the couch, most likely because of how late he had been up the previous night. His mind shot back to the dream. The death eaters! They had been talking about him. 'Uh, now there after my friends? Why don't I just go hide in a cave and make the world a safer place!'

Harry started to get up, but the creak woke Sirius. His groggy eyelids slowly rose and he turned to Harry with a questioning stare. Harry still clutching his scar stood up and faced the accusing stare. Sirius noticed his hand on his forehead, and his glance turned to a concerned one. "Was it a dream?" he asked.

"Yeah." He replied, rubbing his scar until it turned red. "Voldemort called a Death Eater meeting; still plotting ways to kill me." He replied, almost bored. "He's going after my friends now. Another way my existence is causing trouble for humanity." It must have been the sleep deprivation, because Harry had not meant for those words to come out of his mouth. He realized it was too late, and his cheeks flushed red. 

"Harry! You are_ not_ causing trouble for humanity. Voldemort is. Just because you're a victim doesn't mean that it's your fault. You can't help it, and your friends and family don't care if they're in danger. Ron's family openly opposes the dark side, and Hermione's muggle born. Both of them are targets, whether they're your friends or not." 

Harry gave him a 'what about you?' glance.

"I'm a huge threat to Voldemort, too. He doesn't care if I'm your godfather. He'll come looking for me anyway. And I'll be there to stop him from hurting either of us. Believe it or not, I'm pretty skilled at fighting him off. I am an ex auror. Why else do you think Dumbledore would let you stay with me? I offer some pretty good security." He replied, slightly embarrassed at his own narcissistic statement. 

It was reassuring, but still; he felt like his presence was a nuisance to his friends. Throughout all of his years in Hogwarts, his friends had gotten into trouble or were harmed because they tagged along with him when he tried to do right. He wondered if they ever got sick of it at times. They never complained, but they might have been trying not to hurt his feelings. He felt confused; he felt a headache coming on. If nobody said anything, how would he know? Maybe they had no problem. He just would have to wait and see. 

He stretched out on the recliner and lay there thinking about nothing. Just as he was feeling a bit stir-crazy, Sirius noticed how quiet it had gotten and asked, "If you don't have anything better to do, want to go to Diagon Alley? It's not a real thriller, but there doesn't seem to be anything else to do around this place. I think the previous owners must have died of boredom." 

Harry smiled and tucked the leg rest back into the chair, and turned off the massage function. He had to be careful, that chair could make the most caffeine-saturated person fall asleep. He got up and went for the fireplace after getting his shoes on, and Sirius said spell on it and caused a fire to sprout from it. He called out 'Diagon Ally' and watched five thousand fireplaces pass him by. 

Stepping out of the fireplace in the leaky cauldron, he noticed that the hustle had pretty much calmed down, and the regulars where sitting at the bar getting drunk. When they arrived, everyone in the bar seemed to stop what they were doing to look at Sirius Black and Harry Potter. No one said anything, but you could see the distrustfulness in their eyes.

Harry and Sirius split up and agreed to meet at the ice cream parlor when Sirius had gotten a TV and Harry had gotten all of his school supplies.

It didn't take long to get everything he needed to get. He went to the bookstore, and surprisingly found himself a lot more intrigued in the section on fighting dark arts, and had to look around as if Hermione was lurking in a bookshelf to spy on him when he bought four extra books that weren't on the list of required reading.

He went to the apothecary to refill his potion supplies, and he picked up two bottles of dreamless sleep potion. As he got measured for his robes, he looked down and noticed how shabby his clothes were. He had about two inches of ankle below his trousers and he his shirt was almost revealing his navel, and, needless to say, they were huge. He shrugged it off and paid the lady at the cashier. He barley had enough money to get him through his years at Hogwarts; how was he ever going to afford a new wardrobe?

He began walking off in search of the ice cream shop. He heard a shrill scream and suddenly the world turned red and brown, as something heavy…no, two somethings tangled him in a jumbled heap on the ground.

"Harry! I can't believe we found you! To think, hundreds of people coming here to shop, and a whole month of days to go shopping for school and we actually came on the same day and found each other!" said a voice somewhere on top of him.  

"That's great Hermione, but do you mind? Your kind of sitting in my lap, and…" Hermione didn't look abashed as she helped him up and began ranting on about what had happened to her over the summer. 

Harry's head was still spinning, but he heard key phrases such as, "and Ron is still upset about me going to Bulgaria with Victor." And "Mum and Dad weren't pleased when they heard about Victor." And  "I heard about the Dursleys, and Victor and I just want to say how sorry we are for you…"

But that was where Ron cut her off.

"Why would Harry care if the Dursleys died? They were horrible to him!" But Harry suddenly went pale, and the prickly feeling that he had had on several occasions before returned full blast. Ron must have realized he had said the wrong thing because he instantly changed the subject. "So, where are you staying now? With Sirius?

"Yeah," Harry said swallowing hard. "Sirius has been cool. The first night we stayed with Pro-, Remus, but after we got his house settled out, we moved right in. Maybe Sirius will let me invite you over sometime."

"Well, Hermione is staying over our house now that she got that-, Bulgaria bug thing out of her system. I don't know, where is Sirius?" Ron asked, skillfully avoiding Hermione's death stare.

"Well, he's getting us a TV, and we're suppose to meet at Florean Fortescue's Ice Cream Parlor when I'm done shopping. Where are your parents Ron?" 

"In the Leaky Cauldron. We'll meet up with Sirius and ask for permission, and then we'll ask my parents." Harry led the way toward the ice cream parlor, noticing the heavy bags in his friend's hands.

When they arrived, they all dropped their bags at a table, and Harry went up to order three sundaes for his friends, when a noise coming from the side of the building caught his attention. In the alley, in-between the ice cream shop and the pharmacy, he saw two people allegedly kissing. At least, that's what it looked like. He couldn't make out their shadowed faces, but he knew that it was a male and a female.

Harry couldn't help thinking that this public display of affection was somewhat sickening, when a ray of sunshine caught one of the people and he could just make out his godfather's face. 

He would have fainted dead right there had Ron not put his hand on his shoulder at that precise moment. He turned around sharply, noticing Ron's surprised look, knowing that he hadn't seen anything. Harry pushed him toward the corner of the building. 

"I can't believe it!" He exclaimed in a whisper. He led Ron toward the closest empty table. "Can you imagine?"

"What are you talking about?" Ron asked with a raised eyebrow.

Harry lowered his voice to the point where Ron had to lean in to hear him "Sirius. I just saw him kissing this girl. Or, I assume it was a girl."

"Are you sure it was Sirius?"

"Positive." 

"Well…I congratulate him. It's only been less then a week since he was cleared and already he's back in the dating game." Said Ron 

At this, Harry merely turned away looking perturbed. "Well, he can do anything he wants to. Hermione's seeing Krum and she's only fourteen." 

It was Ron's turn to look away. "What is up with you? Why can't you just be happy for Hermione? She's found someone who she likes."  
 

Hmph! She's going out with an 18-year-old guy. She's four years younger then him. He has no right asking her out like that. He doesn't even go to our school. I'm sure he's going to break her heart."

"Like you don't want to be there to pick up the pieces. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out your jealous."

"Ha! That's a laugh. I just don't want to see her get hurt. And what's a rocket scientist?" Ron replied.

Harry couldn't help but laugh, one, at his total ignorance off the muggle world's quirks, and two, his complete self-denial.

"Oh, shut up! Truce? I won't talk about the whole Sirius thing if you don't mention anything to do with, _him_."

"Whatever." Said Harry.

"Lets just order and get back to Hermione." Said Ron. "I don't know how long Sirius is going to be. I don't know about you, but I'm not saying anything about his PDA." (AN: Okay, it wasn't exactly a PDA, but there aren't enough synonyms for kiss!)

"I'm not saying a word. If he wants to mention it, fine, if not, well, I don't care." He said. Ron looked at him with a raised eyebrow, but didn't say anything.

"I think you're either jealous, or you need to grow up."

"Didn't we agree not to discuss this?" Harry said with an angry look.

They were standing in line by this point. They made their purchases and went back to their table. They skillfully dodged any inquiry of Hermione's and ate their sundaes. Sirius showed up five minutes later, coming from the opposite direction of the alley, floating the TV box in front of him. 

"Hey Ron, Hermione. Nice to see you again." He said. "Did you three find each other?" he asked.

"Yeah. I wanted to ask you if they could come over later. Maybe, I don't know, for a few days or something." He asked, trying to give puppy dog eyes, but ended up with more of a pleading look.

"Uh. I don't know. Ron, your parents probably wouldn't be very pleased to know that their son was staying with Sirius Black, ex con." Ron seemed to look sheepish. He apparently didn't think of that. 

"Well, can we ask?" he asked, looking hopeful and cynical, which made kind of an odd expression on his face.

"I guess you can ask. I doubt they'll agree, but you can ask." 

So they made their way up to the Leaky Cauldron. Once again, when Sirius stepped through the back entrance, everyone seemed to look up, but after a moment, everyone went back to their own business. They quickly found Mr. and Mrs. Weasley sitting at a table.

"Mum, dad." Ron said nervously, "We, er, found Harry in Diagon Ally." They looked up and saw Harry, and with widening eyes they spotted Sirius. 

"He- Hello Harry." Said Mr. Weasley. "This is Sirius I presume?" 

"Yes Mr. Weasley. He's my guardian now." Harry said awkwardly.

"I wanted to know if we could stay with Harry and Sirius for a few days." Said Ron, with a futile look.

Mr. and Mrs. Weasley looked at each other as if saying 'what do we do?' They obviously were strictly opposed to the idea of leaving their youngest son and their charge in the care of Sirius Black, but they seemed too polite to say anything, knowing that he was innocent.

"Uh, maybe you would feel better if Harry just came to visit Ron and Hermione for a few days." Sirius suggested. 

"Well, if Harry wants to come, I have no problem against it. Arthur?" Mrs. Weasley said with that motherly smile she always adopted when around Harry.

"Ye- Yes. Of course! We're always happy for Harry to accompany us." He said.

Suddenly, the tables had changed. Harry was drawn between spending time with him friends and spending time with his godfather. On the one hand, he only had a month before he wouldn't see Sirius until Christmas, or maybe even next summer. But his friends would be disappointed if he didn't go, and maybe Sirius wanted him to leave him alone for a few days. 

Harry did the only thing he could do. He stalled. "Maybe in a few days." It was more a question then a statement. 

"Sure, Harry dear. We'll keep in touch." She said. "Ron, Hermione, we need to find Ginny and the twins, and get back to he house. We'll see you later Harry."

With that, they disappeared into the throng of people who had appeared in the Leaky Cauldron shortly after they came. "I don't know about you, but I'm not ready to go back home yet. If you're done getting school supplies, then lets do some shopping in muggle London. You need some new clothes." 

Without waiting for an answer, he shrunk the bag of school supplied and the box the TV was in and led Harry in the direction of the front door. Harry merely shrugged his shoulders and followed Sirius. 

For about an hour, Sirius had Harry trying on whatever would fit him, unless of course, it looked dorky, in which case, Sirius threw it in the cart any, explaining how he could just keep it at the back of his closet incase everything else was dirty. He seemed to believe in the 'if it fits, and it has designer labels, it goes in the cart.' Rule. Their last stop was the optometry. Sirius decided Harry needed to get contacts, or at the least, better frames.

It took Harry almost fifteen minutes just to get the contacts in, but he knew it was worth it. He had hated his glasses for years; the way they always seemed to magnify his eyes, and the fat plastic frames that made him look like he was seeing out of two magnifying glasses. Plus they were always a hassle to put back together when Dudley broke them. 

Harry bought a prescription of contacts, which he could wear during the day and not have to take out to go to bed. He also got a new pair of prescription glasses, thin, frameless one that looked discreet. When they walked toward the fireplace at twilight, Sirius looked satisfied, and Harry looked immensely ecstatic, though cool about it. When they had walked into the bar, no one even turned a head. 'They don't even recognize me! I hope this lasts.'

When they got home, Harry had to do a double take after looking in the mirror. It was amazing what a new wardrobe and no glasses will do to a person. 'There will be girls all over me!' said a small voice in his head. He shook his head. Puberty was obviously getting to him. 

The mirror suddenly shouted, "Oh! If you could just do something with that hair!" Harry laughed, but silently agreed. What was that stuff Hermione used on her hair? Maybe they had a potion for taming VERY unruly hair. He would have to look sometime. 

Sirius walked up to him and looked him up and down. "Not bad, my little protégée. Now if we could just get you into pranks, it would be perfect." Harry rolled his eyes skyward.

"Please tell me that you aren't trying to mold me into some sort of marauder clone thing or something. It seems like something you would try to do. If you want a protégé, talk to the Weasley twins. You and the other marauders are like their idol."  
  


"Well. Why don't you go and unpack your stuff. I'll set up the TV."

"Alright. Just a question though; who should I call when you electrocute yourself?" Harry asked with a sarcastic glint in his eye.

"Why do you think I bought it at a wizard store? This thing is charmed to run on magic. It should be pretty easy to assemble." And with that, he dumped the box out onto the floor and about twenty small pieces fell out of the box. 

"Famous last words." Said Harry. He felt guilty leaving Sirius there to sort through all of the parts to a TV, but he went up the stairs to his room and put away all of his new clothes. He couldn't get over the fact that his clothes fit him. He came down ten minutes later to find that the TV was still in multiple pieces and that Sirius was trying desperately to fit two pieces together that really didn't want to fit. He saw the directions discarded in a corner and went to read them.

It wasn't what one could consider a pamphlet because it was only one page. The directions contained one sentence. "Use the spell 'construstious' and the pieces will instantly fit together."

"Uh, Sirius." He asked, tapping Sirius on the shoulder.

"Not now. I think I've got these pieces together." He answered, though it was obvious they would sooner bite his nose then fit together.

"But, I know-" he tried again. 

"I almost got it!" his voice was strained as he tried to force them together, glaring angrily at the TV pieces, as if he could telepathically make the pieces fit.

"But-"

"Fine! You put it together." He said agitatedly. He stood up and folded his arm, looking impatiently at him, waiting.

Harry shrugged and drew his wand, hoping he wouldn't get in trouble with the ministry. "Construstious" he muttered. Instantly the pieces fit together and he put the TV on it's stand and turned it on. 

Sirius stared. First dumbfounded, then sheepish. "So, uh, what's on?"

**End chapter V- PDA's and a TV**

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As always, thank you for reading, and thank you sooooo much for reviewing! 

Notes to the readers: I'm sorry it was up so late. My mom, a cruel, cruel woman grounded me from the Internet! DAMN THOSE AOL PARENTAL CONTROLS/ TIME LIMITATIONS! They frustrate me soooooo… Anyway, I got a lot done in-between the span of conniptions and withdrawal induced nervous breakdowns. I got a lot of chapters completed. I was having a huge writers block on chapter 7, but the time away from the internet was just what I needed. All I can say is, well, uh… wait and see. The next few chapters should be quite interesting. 

Did that chapter seem too… fluffy? Stupid? Corny? Goofy? To quote the great author, Neutral, 'Ack!'. All rights are reserved- I think. Should I put up a disclaimer to the word Ack? Oh yeah, that reminds me; I haven't done a disclaimer. Should I start posting one, or should I just put one at the beginning of the story?

I know what you're thinking. Harry's acting weirdly. He's getting all antsy cause Sirius was kissing someone. No, it wasn't so much the jealous, 'I don't want to share my single parent with anyone' syndrome (Does that have a name?). It was more, er, intuition. You'll understand later. 

Notes to the reviewer: (Can I just say how much I love you all?)

A.Dee: *Wipes away sweat drop* you left me hanging there with that first review. I was like, good…bad…nothing? I'm glad that I made that apparent. I though that you meant that was portraying Harry badly. Amazing? I wouldn't go that far… *Smiles nervously, and points to nose* Now, do you really think that I would tell you that? Considering the chapters content, I'll just let your imagination run wild! But anyway, thank you for your review. Can't wait until you update one of your stories. I do miss them.

      Mnm: Uh, considering that this is my first semi-insult (I'm not going as far as a flame, it more, critical constructive criticism), I hope I respond to it the right way. I guess it was kind of tacked on. I didn't really know how to go about it. Plus, there are a lot of cutters out there who don't seem like they would be the type to do it. I did do my homework before righting about cutting- not just jotting down any old thing. Anyway, thanks for the criticism; you've made me rethink how I'm going to go about it in the future.

      Kim: Thank you for your praise, and for the TV suggestions. I think I'm just going to wing it. I don't suppose you have the same movies over there as we do? (I'm making an assumption that you're British, or you live there) I don't think I could survive without at least five million shows; do most people have cable?

      Aeryn Alexander: Yeah, I can understand your reluctance to a cutting fic. I don't really thrive on them (I'm not sadistic, really, I'm not!); I just thought that it would suit the situation. Thanks for the list of shows. I'm going to stick with the ones I know. I was trying to make a statement by going against the over-used colors that everyone does. Really, the green and red things are getting on my nerves. (Though green is my favorite color)

      Alpha: Thank you, I'm getting mixed responses on the amount of American shows there are in England. Maybe the cable is different in different parts of England?

      Daniz: Does Sirius seem like an unrealistically good parent? I was kind of trying to go for that, but I hope I'm not overdoing it. And aren't all teens depressed? Stupid hormones! *Spits on simulated hormones*. And, as I told A. Dee, I'm not going to tell you where Sirius is going, you will probably find out, or guess. 

Hope you liked that chapter. I'll be updating soon, if my mom doesn't catch me on the computer. Let me just tell you, never do drugs! Being away from fanfiction.net has caused me horrible withdrawal! I can only guess what doing drugs would feel like!

Next Chapter- Confrontation. Harry deals with his dreams. Meet my simulated dog who has no name. He is furry and fluffy, but not as much so as part of the next chapter. (Well, maybe I'm exaggerating). Hope you like.


	6. Confrontation

                                                                            **Loss**

                                                                         By Hpfan

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Chapter VI- Confrontation

Harry awoke sweating from his latest dream, in which, he watched as Voldemort tortured the Durlsleys relentlessly. Normally, had he had a dream, he would have read, or wrote to Sirius, but now that he had Sirius right here, he could help feeling nervous about it. Maybe a bit of TV. He didn't bother bringing his bedspread because it was too hot. He made his way down the stairs and put his head on the leather couch. 'I'm going to stick to this thing like glue.' He thought. It was too hot to have a leather couch, but it was so comfortable!

Harry realized that it was four in the morning and that nothing but old sitcoms were on, but he couldn't bring himself to sleep. Then, suddenly he remembered the dreamless sleep potion that he had bought. He took it out of the plastic bag, being careful not to make too much noise. 

'Bottoms up.' He though, and drank a fourth of the bottle. A wave of drowsiness overwhelmed him, and he collapsed on the couch.  

Harry awoke the next day to Sirius shaking him. "Wha…?" he asked groggily.

"It's twelve o'clock. Do you want lunch?" he asked

"Not if you made it." He said. He might have been groggy, but he wasn't lacking common sense. The next thing he knew he had a pillow in his face. "Watch it!" he muttered loudly.

"I had the mind to just wake you up and wait for you to make it. I won't even eat my own cooking." He said in a serious voice. Harry groped around for his glasses, and suddenly realized that he could see. 'Old habits die hard' he thought. He stood up and stretched. It was too hot to cook. 

"Can't we just have pop sickles?" he asked

"I already ate them all." Sirius said nonchalantly. 

"You bought two boxes!" he said. "Doesn't this house have an a/c?" 

"No, but I can do this." And he waved his wand and said "aestus estus redigo" and suddenly the temperature fell to a bearable level. 

"Please tell me that, even though it's been swelteringly hot all throughout this morning, you didn't cast that spell." Harry said in a would-be-calm demeanor.

"I did it yesterday, but it wore off through the night, and I didn't have a chance to recast it." He said evenly.

"Well, what do you want to eat? More importantly, what do we have left in the fridge?" he asked, playfully. 

"Anything. As long as it's edible, and there's a lot of it." Sirius laughed at his own joke. He sat down at the table, and picked up the newspaper. Harry didn't say anything to him as he silently made pancakes. 

Breakfast was a silent occasion, as both seemed to have nothing to say. After breakfast, Harry went outside to fly his broom. He was lost in thought for a while, and didn't notice it when the two hours of time passed him by. He was thinking about the situation with his dreams, and the fact that he saw Sirius kissing someone in the dark alley, and the death of the Dursley's. 

It wasn't until Sirius came outside, and called him down, that Harry looked at his watch and had to double take. He went inside and indifferently paced around, not knowing what to do. He challenged Sirius to a game of wizard chess, but it became less fun when he was trampled to the ground three times in a row. His chessmen where threatening him with treason. The rest of the day was just a boring mix of events, such as watching TV, and playing wizard games, and reading. Despite the boredom encountered, Harry was happy just being lazy and lying around the house, and eating the proper amount of food.

Harry wondered if this was the normal behavior for kids his age. Just roaming around their house like slugs, and practicing quidditch. That's what Ron seemed to do. Harry had loved it at the Weasleys, when he could just wake up at anytime and eat a five course breakfast, but it was even more relaxed at Sirius's, where he didn't have to wake up at 12:00 noon and be embarrassed, but it was expected of you.

Harry went to bed that night, just feeling grateful that he could be treated like a normal kid. 

___

Harry snuck out of his room, beads of sweat running down his face from his latest nightmare. It had been one of his worst ones yet. It must have been that it had hit so close to home. It had happened in the graveyard Cedric had died in. Harry had seen the headstones near the cauldron Voldemort was resurrected in, but now, everyone he cared most about was tied up. Sirius, Hermione, Ron, Remus were all there, and Harry was tied to the biggest headstone of all. Voldemort suddenly appeared behind the graves and looked venomously at Harry.

"I hope you know that you will be the killer of all your friends Harry. They're all here because of their association with you." He had said, and with that, he began picking off his friends one at a time. First, he tortured Remus with the Cruciatus curse for a few minutes, before killing him. He killed Hermione by forcing a potion down her throat that made her scream, until the acid-like substance ate its way through her entire body.

Ron looked horror stricken at Hermione, and then gave Harry a sidelong glance, and his face contorted into a look of loathing; first at Voldemort, but then at Harry. He screamed "This is all your fault Harry!" before Voldemort put a curse on him that burned him into ash, slowly and gruesomely. 

Sirius looked at the three, knowing what was to come. Harry flinched; expecting backlash from Sirius about how the entire incident had been his fault, but Sirius just gave him a blank stare. It was disturbingly solemn, and Harry couldn't help but feel like it was the worst of them all. Voldemort didn't even bother taking off Sirius's torturous curse, he simply let him suffer and scream and yell, until his simply couldn't take the pain any longer and died.

Harry had woken up sweating, and with tears running down his face, hopping he hadn't screamed out loud. The dream had been all too much, and Harry, in spite of how childish it seemed, had to get out of bed to check to see if Sirius was alright.

He snuck up to Sirius's door, and slowly inched the door open, recoiling as a loud creek echoed through the hall. Harry stuck his head in the door and saw a figure on the bed that was Sirius's. He wanted to draw his wand and just check to see if he was okay, but the door squeaked again, and Harry heard Sirius's hoarse voice say, "Harry?"

"I'm sorry if I woke you up. I- I just wanted- I'll just go." Harry said, and he turned to leave.

"Harry. Come in."  
  


Harry moved to the bed, feeling self-conscious, as Sirius sat up in bed and lit a candle that sent a dim, eerie light cascaded over the room. Sirius made an action directing him to sit down. Harry crawled on the top of the bed and sat down in the middle of the queen-sized four-poster with his knees to his chest. He felt vulnerable sitting there. 

"Did you have another dream?" he asked in a soothing voice. Harry merely nodded. "Will you tell me?" 

Harry took a deep breath, knowing it would be no help to keep all of his dreams and fears bottled up. He looked into Sirius's eyes and felt like an open book. It was clear to him now that these dreams weren't just going to fade away. Without any more hesitation, in fear he would lose his nerve, he told Sirius a very watered-down version of the dream. 

When he mentioned the forms of torture that Voldemort had used in his dream, his voice felt very constricted. It was difficult to describe in words how painful it had been hearing everyone screaming for all they were worth like that.

By the time Harry was finished, he was shaking with suppressed emotion. He was aware that Goosebumps were all over his body. Sirius sat up and Harry unconsciously moved closer to his godfather. 

"Harry, I don't know what to tell you about these dreams. They say that dreams are suppose to be your self-conscious way of telling yourself something is wrong. I mean, the obvious explanation is that you feel guilty, but maybe it something deeper then that. Maybe what you need to do to get rid of these dreams is to do the harder thing. It's easy enough for you to apologize, but, well, you have to search with yourself to find what it is you're trying to tell yourself."

Harry cogitated that for a while. Maybe the reason for the dreams wasn't that he was feeling guilty, but what else could it be?

"I- I don't know what else it could be, Sirius. Guilt is the only thing I can think of. I mean, what else is there?"

Sirius shook his head, at a loss. "I think only you can figure that out. You know yourself better then I do.

Harry buried his head in his knees, frustrated and tired. Harry did feel better now that he had gotten the dream off his chest. He knew what he was looking for now; the advice made him feel like there was something he could do, and that made him feel less helpless. 

Sirius put a hand on his shoulder. Harry's eyes were burning with lethargy, but he was afraid to fall asleep. He was drawn between losing sleep, and dealing with his nightmares, but one thing he knew, the longer that he sat there, the longer he was keeping Sirius awake. He lugged himself off the bed, almost dead on his feet. 

"Harry, come here." Sirius called. Harry turned, his fatigue flushed face looked at Sirius's. Sirius looked at him sadly, like he wished that he could have done more for him. He gave him a warm hug. "You can get through this Harry. Dreams can't get to you unless you let them. You just worry about the one's where your scar hurts you." And he scooted over in bed, making room for Harry to get in.

Harry complied, tiredly, and fell asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.

___

Harry didn't awake the next day until the smell of smoke hit his nose. He was either having a really peculiar dream, or the house was on fire. He jumped out of bed, and to his astonishment, found he was in Sirius's room. The dream and the rest of the event last night flooded his brain. Finally, he rushed out the door and hurried down the stairs toward the source of the smoke: unsurprisingly, the kitchen.

He drew his wand out of the sweatpants he had worn to bed last night. "Sirius?" he called toward the smokescreen that blocked the kitchen from view. He received no response. Alarmed, he muttered an extinguishing charm. The smoke took two minutes to clear out of the room. When he finally entered the room, he saw Sirius lying unconscious on the floor. Harry tried not to panic, but hardly succeeded.

He rushed to his side immediately, and checked to make sure Sirius was breathing. He was, though shallowly. Harry had to use 'Enervate' three times before getting a response. By the time Sirius woke up, Harry was almost hyperventilating.

Sirius coughed for a good minute and a half, before coming to his senses. "Are-are you okay, Sirius?" he asked in a voice that reminded him of a scared two-year-old. 

"Uh, I- I don't know. Harry? What's going on?" he asked in a bewildered voice. 

"You must have tried to cook something, because the kitchen was filled with smoke, and when I extinguished it, I found you unconscious on the floor. God, I- I thought you were- were dead or something, Sirius!"

"I- I'm fine. Just, remind me if I ever try to cook again of the consequences…" he shuddered.

"I think that we should put a repelling charm on you to keep you away from the hardware." He said, more to himself, but Sirius caught it, and swatted at his head.

"So, will you make breakfast with the remaining pots and pans that I haven't ruined?" he asked with a note of pleading in his voice. Harry sighed, but his stomach ruined the moment by grumbling, sending them both into fits of laughter. 

Harry set down the meal, just as a tiny owl landed in the middle of it. Sirius cursed as specks of chipped beef flew into his face. Harry grabbed him before he had a chance to fly around the room for fifteen minutes.

The letter Pig carried was short, but to the point.

_Dear Harry, _

_Hermione and I, after two days of pleading and begging, finally persuaded Mum to let us stay over at your place. It will only be for a couple days, but at least it's something. Ask Sirius if we can and reply by return owl we'll come tomorrow at 3:00 if we are allowed to._

_Ron_

"Sirius. Ron wrote to tell me that his parents agreed to let Ron and Hermione come over for a few days. Can they?" he asked with a note of pleading. Sirius looked up from stuffing his face in his breakfast.

"He's sure that his parents are okay with it? Because, I know that I would be a little apprehensive had I been told that you were going to stay with someone who was convicted of murder."? He said.

"Ron said in the note that he convinced them. I guess he told them the story behind it." Harry said, still with the glint in his eyes that five-year-olds use to get expensive birthday presents.

"Owl him back and tell him it's fine. By the way: we still haven't named our house. What do you suggest?"

Harry wanted to hug him, but thought it unwise. "It's your house. What were you thinking?" he asked.

"The reason I asked you was because I would probably name it something disturbingly freaky. You choose." Harry was beginning to get frustrated. So he gave the first thing that popped in his head. 

"How about…the Snidget Shack?" he asked. Sirius looked pensive. 

"That sounds good. I'll go fire that to the MOMAA." Said Sirius getting up. 

"You'll go what to the what?" Harry asked with a raise eyebrow. 

"Firing is a form of communication. Remember the day my head popped in the fireplace of your common room? That's called firing. And the MOMAA stands for Ministry Of Magic's Address Association." Sirius explained.

"Oh." Said Harry, feeling slightly naïve. "So, I'll owl Ron back, and tell him to flu to the house using the 'The Snidget Shack.'"

The day passed agonizingly slow, as it always did when you were anticipating the arrival of guests. Harry was also feeling uneasy about his nightmares. What was he going to do about them? Worse, what if had one while Ron and Hermione were here?

Soon, dinner was over, and it was all Harry could do to stall himself from going to bed. At 9:30, Sirius was getting really antsy. Finally, at 10:00, Sirius demanded he go to bed. Harry stalled as much as he could in the shower, but after a half hour, Sirius was pounding on the door.

When he got out of the shower, Sirius was waiting for him outside the bathroom with his arms crossed. "You realize that stalling will get you nowhere." Sirius said. Harry looked at everything except his face. 

"I'm just not tired." Said Harry in a small voice, still not looking him in the eye. Sirius just raised his eyebrows and gave him a patronizing stare. "Fine, fine, I'm going.

"And don't bother trying to read in bed, because I charmed your lights to go out as soon as you get into bed."

Harry looked at him, first frustrated, then annoyed, then pleading. "Come on Sirius. I- I really hate this. These nightmares are really getting to me, and frankly, well, I- I'm…" Harry cut himself off, knowing it would do no good.

"Look Har, I really hate the fact that your having nightmares. If letting you stay up all night could somehow help you, I would let you, but it won't, and you need face them. I would let you take the potion, but you can't take that every night, and I would assume that you would probably rather take it while Ron and Hermione are here then tonight. Just remember what we talked about." He said, before turning toward his room.

Harry turned on the light in his room. There was no use trying to avoid it. Might as well get it over with. He changed into nightwear and got into bed.  

___

_Harry was in a house he could only assume was his parents old house. It had a warm atmosphere that seemed to invite him farther into the house. 'But that makes no sense. This is suppose to be a nightmare isn't it?' Harry sighed, just trying to get this over with. What would it be tonight: A replay of his parent's death; Cedric's death, the Dursley's death; maybe a combination of the three?_

_In the distance he heard two people talking in hushed voices. He seemed to drift closer to the voices; if not by choice then by force. Harry could only make out small snippets of the conversation. "Do you…Peter was …secret keeper…"_

_"I don't…he wouldn't…Dark Lord…" said another voice, more feminine then the last. This was definitely a replay of his parent's death. Maybe with a twist at the end. _

_The ambiance in the house seemed to drop at least ten degree's and the talking suddenly came to a standstill, leaving behind a creepy deafening silence. 'Here we go.' Thought Harry._

_A dry chuckling seemed to be coming from the outside of the house. It escalated to booming, mirthless cackling. The door burst off its hinges with green wind. Harry didn't think twice about who it was: Voldemort. What met his eyes was probably the scariest thing he could have imagined; worse then a thousand Voldemorts. Starring back as him was his worst nightmare: himself._

_It went over just like the voices that he had heard a thousand times, with one little exception. _

_"Lily, It's him! Run. I'll hold him off. " He saw his father run down the staircase toward him. He saw himself face his father, His counterpart looking up at his father smirking a sneer then resembled Draco's, Snape's, and Voldemort's. His matching part didn't even hesitate. Harry could sense no uncertainty in any of his actions._

_"Avada Kedavra." He heard his voice bellow. It scared him to hear the words come out of his mouth. His father's body dropped to the floor with a sickening thump. Harry would have given anything to have been in control of his legs right then. He was forced up the stairs like a solider, after the mysterious duplicate of himself. His mother was huddled in her bedroom, and Harry watched in misery as his double muttered the final words that sealed his mothers fate._

_Suddenly, the clone disappeared from the room, and two ghostly images of his parents appeared infront of him. "You killed us Harry. Don't even try to deny it. You killed us." His parents looked at him with grim, disgusted facial features. In all the pictures that he saw of them, they had always been kind, generous looking people, but here, they looked oddly reminiscent of Snape. They insulted him and affronted him, and all he could do was ask for forgiveness. _

_But then, suddenly, Sirius's words flooded his mind. _"Maybe what you need to do to get rid of these dreams is to do the harder thing. It's easy enough for you to apologize…" Suddenly it was clear. He wasn't doing himself, or his parent's justice by apologizing, so he might as well…

_He looked his parents in the eye. The stared back at him coldly. He mustered up all of the courage he could get. "You're wrong! You-Your not my parents. My parents wouldn't blame me for what happened, and neither would Cedric. And had the Dursley's been informed of the real circumstances, deep down, they wouldn't blame it on me either!" he shouted. His parents stared at him a long time, with blank looks. Suddenly, they smiled. _

_They smiled! And soon, Cedric appeared there too. He smiled as well. Finally, his father spoke. "We were wondering when you would get it." His mother elbowed him in the ribs. _

_"It took you long enough!" said Cedric. Harry broke out into a smile. Finally, his Uncle appeared there, looking around like he really didn't want to be there. _

_"I- I don't blame you boy. It wasn't your fault that that- that thing attacked my family." And with that, his Uncle left, obviously not wanting to be there. Harry really didn't blame him though. _

_"So will you please believe your own words? It isn't your fault that anything happened to us." Said his mother with a smiling face._

_"Bye Harry" they said._

___

"Harry?" said a voice that he recognized as Sirius's. "Harry wake up. You slept through the night." He said.

"I, I did? I slept through the night?" he said in a groggy morning voice. 

"Yeah you did. I take it you either didn't have a nightmare, or you didn't wake up from it.

"I did it." Harry said. "I stood up to my nightmares." He had a smile on his face, even with his eyes closed. 

"You did? That's great Harry. Now you have to wake up. It's ten o'clock, and we have to get ready for Ron and Hermione to arrive, and we still haven't fixed up the guest rooms." Harry grumpily got out of bed and went to go take a shower. While brushing his teeth, he looked at his arms. They were still scared, but it was less noticeable. It wouldn't be long before they were healed, and he wouldn't have to be apprehensive about anyone noticing that he had cut himself. 

He went down to make breakfast, and noticed that Sirius was chewing on some cereal, and joined him. After they finished breakfast, they went up to the two guest rooms that Ron and Hermione would be sleeping in. By 2:00 they were finished, and went down to play a few games of gobstones before Ron and Hermione arrived. Suddenly the fire sprung to life, and glowed green, and Ron Weasley fell out of the fireplace face first.

Luckily, the hearth had cushioning charms placed all over it. Hermione walked out of the grate with dignity, but lost all poise as she tripped Ron and landed on him. Harry helped her up while biting his lip in amusement. Hermione let out a huff of annoyance, but Ron just looked shaken.

"Nice to see you both." He said, trying to be the host. Ron ignored his greeting and walked around the living room with great approval. 

"Nice place." Ron said. Hermione rolled her eyes at his behavior, and smiled at him.

"Hello Harry. You defiantly look a lot better now that you're no longer wearing glasses." She said smiling.

"Yeah mate. You look different." Ron said inviting himself to sit on the couch. "Hi Sirius." 

Sirius greeted Harry's friends, and Harry showed them to their rooms. Ron stared at the room he was staying in, astonished. "Whoa!" he said, in open-mouthed stun.  "How is it that your guest room is bigger then my real room? This house is awesome!" Ron spoke in a flabbergasted whisper.

"Yeah, this place is pretty cool, huh?" Harry asked.  

"Hey, guys: don't get unpacked; you'll need to bring your stuff with you tonight. We're going camping." Said a voice from behind them. There reflexes caused them to turn and they saw Sirius's smirking face. 

End Chapter VI- Confrontation

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As always, thank you for reading, and thank you sooooo much for reviewing! 

Endnotes: How was that? Good? Bad? Strange? I've come up with a short poem to describe what it is that I'm going through in the writing department:

I can't get thoughts to run through my head,

It's starting to feel like my brain is dead.

Sometimes it's hard to write a line,

I'll write a whole chapter another time.

But in spite of the status, it's coming slowly but surely,

I hope that when I'm finished it's wasn't done poorly.

So listen carefully when I go,

When it doesn't flow, 

It moves really slow.

Yeah, believe it or not, I'm actually a poet; I know that that was probably a really bad example of it, but I am. I've got two up on fictionpress.com, but, well, they aren't the best of my work. Anyway, It's coming; it's kind of oozing slowly out of my head, but somehow I think that once I get Harry to Hogwarts and the plot flowing, I'll get it up faster. You know those magnet things that are suppose to get your blood to flow faster? I've been wrapping them around my head. JK!

Notes to the reviewers: (And there were a lot of them!)

BabeyRachey: Thank you so much! I'm glad you liked it.

SarahPeach: Well someone's a little hard to please! JK! I can't have fluffy every chapter! See, with fluff, I've found that it has to be angsty, or else it sounds gay- no I mean, like, slash-. And if I'm going to have a lot of fluffy angst, then I'm going to need some light stuff. So, that was the balance, now here is some angst, and next chapter, we have some light stuff, and then we have some hardcore angst- along with some semi-fluff. (Hey, you can't just wave a magic wand over it and make it happen! It has to flow, and I'm having a hard enough time making my regular stuff flow!) You are good at fluff, but that was because you know how to make Harry and Sirius instantly love each other within the first two chapters, without making it seem totally screwed up! 

I wish I had your talent. As for the whole Sirius/original character thing (He he, original character, it feels weird saying it, but oh you will see, I'm not a hypocrite, in fact, this is my Mary Sue revenge! *gives a bout of evil laughter!*  Oh, and suspense is just something that I'm good at! I'm not sadistic; I just like seeing people begging for more! You will find out who she is in good time. Oh, and I'm going to put up a sign that says, 'Bend twists ahead', because you don't even know how much this is going to shock you!

A.Dee: Funny? Yes, funny, I suppose that works. Yup, this will be funny! Next chapter won't be funny though; neither will the next one for that matter. But this chapter was suppose to be funny- tat should be about as funny as it will get though

Angela: Thanks, you know ,I would have a beta reader, but I'm not exactly sure how the whole process works. If you know, that I'll be sure to make you my Beta! Yeah, I know what you mean with the emotions thing. I'm trying! I really am. I think I'm a bit hesitant to make Harry have his heart on his sleeve though. It just doesn't seem canon of him to be like that. I will try to make him more open. I think that this chapter is showing that.

Alpha: I'm sorry, I'm American, and I have no clue what's going on in Britain right now. I think that if I tried to draw my own conclusions I would sound like a tourist. Some of the things we heard about over here you don't even know about. I'm just going to stick with American shows. 

Midnight Kat: Thank you for your review. I'm honestly shocked. I thought that I was making Sirius too goofy! You think that I'm making Sirius too serious? (No pun intended) Well, I think that people get the illusion from the book that he is going to be happy-go-lucky, but I saw his description as being more haunted from Azkaban, and I think that he'd be a good father figure.

Blueberrie: I'll look forward to your review. I've wondered where you have been.

Next Chapter: Roughin' it, and confinement. This next chapter will be interesting. There will be a huge twist right in the middle of the chapter, and I know you are all dying to find out- I hope.


	7. Roughin It and confinement

                                                                            **Loss**

                                                                         By Hpfan

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Chapter VII- Roughin It, and confinement

Harry knew that in the entire environs probably had more shields, charms, and other defenses then gringotts bank, but that still didn't ease his anxiety that night when he, Ron, Hermione, and Sirius headed toward the surrounding forest with their wands lit.

      Camping was something that Harry just couldn't picture himself doing. He knew that most normal muggle families often did it, but still- he wasn't didn't have what would be considered a normal family, and certainly not a muggle one (anymore).

      Ron looked completely bewildered, Hermione looked excited, and Sirius looked nonchalant. He could most identify with Hermione's feelings. He knew that, despite whatever it was that was making him suspicious, this would be a very interesting trip.  

      Earlier in the day, after Sirius had informed them that they were going camping, Harry had asked if Sirius had ever done it before. Harry couldn't detect any deceitfulness in his voice, or see any deception in his eyes, so when Sirius replied, 'loads of times', Harry didn't question it. Ron had been nervous throughout the entire day. Camping was something that was barley ever even mentioned in his house, and the closest thing that he had ever done to camping was last year's events at the world quidditch cup- albeit the fact that the same circumstances applied for Harry, he had seen enough television shows to know roughly what the idea was. 

      Although Sirius didn't seem to know where he was going, he had the air of someone looking for something, so, in the quickly evaporating evening twilight; Harry followed Sirius, squinting to make out his profile. Finally, Sirius set down his rucksack in a small clearing, with a stream running through it, which Harry knew would eventually lead to the waterfall he had found. 

      Sirius didn't bother even attempting to put the tents together the muggle way; he set them on the ground side by side, muttered a spell, and automatically, the tents were upright and perfect. Nobody would bother with firewood, because with magic, a simple spell lights a fire, and keeps it going for hours, and besides, it was still summer, and still unpleasantly hot.

      Sirius conjured up some lounge chairs for them to relax in, and set up a bonfire, with a charm on it that did not give off heat, unless used to cook with. Harry, Ron and Hermione looked at each other, and shrugged, deciding just to go with the non-traditional camping style- or at least Hermione and Harry did- Ron was still totally oblivious. 

      The four settled down in the chairs, feeling very relaxed. Sirius broke out a bag of marshmallows, and a package of hot dogs and after a few minutes of persuading Ron to put a marshmallow on a dirty stick that had been lying on the ground, they were contently eating roasted marshmallows and hot dogs. Harry had Sirius under a scrutinizing gaze, making sure that he wasn't going to blow the entire forest up by doing something stupid, like putting the fire out with gasoline. 

After eating to their pleasure, Harry, Ron and Hermione sat around the campfire. They talked about anything that came up, which was mostly quidditch, the ministry's feeble cover-up of the dark lord's return, and their plans for the year. They talked so much that they didn't even notice when Sirius went missing, but after about thirty minutes, they noticed that it was ten o'clock, and Sirius was no where to be found. They looked at each other with growing discomfort. They all nodded and agreed that they should at least try and look for him. As soon as they left the comfort area of the camp that supplied them with light to see, they lit their wands and tried calling out "Sirius", but that didn't help them. 

Without their voices, the forest seemed exaggeratedly quiet. Harry looked at Ron and Hermione, who stared back with the expression that he assumed was on his face: alarm. Silence is not a good thing when dramatic tension is building; one of the most important things that you can learn in horror movies.

They heard a twig snap, and they huddled together. Suddenly, out in the distance they heard a shrill howl coming from somewhere off in the distance.  They could tell that whatever had made that noise was coming their way. They heard another twig snap, now closer. Their looks of fear turned to looks of horror, and Harry looked up to make sure the moon wasn't full. Thankfully, it wasn't, but he was assured that the forest had other creatures in it that wouldn't mind killing them. 

Suddenly, a blurry silhouette emerged; it walked slowly, and stealthily. Finally, when it was three meters away from them, it leapt at Harry, knocking him to the ground. He braced himself for the bitting and clawing that he knew was to come, but all he could feel was something wet on his face; then he realized.

"I'm going to kill you, Sirius." He growled, reminiscent of Padfoot. If dogs could laugh, what Sirius was doing was probably it. Finally, Sirius got off him and transformed into his human form, still hysterically laughing. Ron had joined in by now, and Hermione was turning blue, looking like she was between laughing and being compassionate. 

Harry glared at all of them, and figured he would wait it out, but two minutes later, they still hadn't stopped, and Hermione had joined in. He knew he was going to crack, and laugh along with them, but he didn't want to do it. Instead, he concerned himself with wiping dog drool off his face, which made them laugh harder. Finally, he laughed a little, and they, being satisfied, stopped.

Sirius looked apologetic but said, "I'm sorry, but what would a camping trip be if I didn't scare you enough to wet yourselves?" he had on an annoying smile, but everyone decided it was best just to humor him, and not slap it off his face. 

Sirius looked at his watch, and looked like he was deciding whether to let them stay up or not. He gave them an apologetic look, and ushered them off to bed with a, 'your parents would kill me if I let you stay up all night.' Excuse. 

Now came the hard part; once they entered the tent, which looked similar to the tent that Mr. Weasley had borrowed from his co-worker, except it was smaller, and only had a sleeping area, Harry had to somehow get changed inconspicuously, without anyone noticing the cuts on his arm. They slept in bunk beds, and Sirius and Ron took the ones on the bottom, while Harry slept on the one on top of Ron. The summer night wasn't sticky, but it was hot, and it was uncomfortably so. The tent was somewhat crowded, but not awkwardly so. Ron and Sirius got changed before getting into bed, but Harry just climbed into the bunk. Sirius looked at him oddly, but didn't comment. The semi-darkness fell, as Sirius waved his wand, and Harry fell into a restful slumber, relishing the dreamless sleep. 

___

Harry woke up early the next morning, seeing the sun shining faintly from the crack in the tent. Harry stretched in his bed, hoping that the creaking wouldn't wake up Ron. He quickly and quietly changed, hoping that no one woke up while doing so. He went outside, breathing the humid air around him, and he smiled and decided to take a trip to the place he had found a few days ago.  

It was easy enough to find the waterfall, as he only had to follow the stream that was near the campsite. When he arrived, he settled down on the rock, and savored the wind and flecks of water that sprayed his sweltered form. He didn't seem to notice when the sun was almost halfway to the middle of the sky. Finally, he heard a rustling in the woods and was sent back to reality. He quickly got up and made his way toward the campsite. He was three-fourths of the way there, when he suddenly heard voices coming from somewhere toward his left. He crouched down behind the trees, and saw Sirius talking to some brunet in the distance. He couldn't make out what it was they were saying, but he saw him lean in, and they kissed for about a minute, and Harry snuck off. 

So that had been the girl that Sirius had been seeing. That was definitely no innocent friendly kiss. Obviously he had been sneaking out to see whoever that was. He hadn't gotten a good look at whom he had been talking too, but he didn't recognize her. She looked around his [Sirius's] age. He was in such a daze that he didn't realize it when he was back at the campsite. Ron and Hermione were already up and making breakfast over the fire. Harry knew he needed an excuse for his absence fast. He decided just to go with the truth. He came over and sat on the chair near the fire. He answered vaguely when they asked where he had been but they didn't question further. 

"So where is Sirius?" he asked, trying to act oblivious. He wasn't quite ready to tell them what he saw." 

"We don't know. We woke up and you and Sirius were gone. We just assumed you went to go take a pee or something." Sirius emerged from the forest after a few minutes. He just settled down in the chair next to Hermione and no one asked anything. After breakfast had been served, Sirius explained how he planed for them to go back to the house and play Quidditch for the rest of the day. They all agreed, though Hermione didn't look happy about the Quidditch thing. They packed up the tent, and hiked back to the house. 

When they unloaded all the camping gear in the house, they went outside to cool off on their brooms. It was Harry and Ron against Sirius and Hermione, which was practically like two on one, or maybe three on one, because Hermione wasn't only useless, she was counterproductive, but nobody had the heart to say anything. The days passed way too quickly for Harry, and when Ron and Hermione finally had to leave, he was almost glad that Hogwarts was only two weeks away. Although he was going to miss Sirius, he couldn't stand the thought of being away from Ron and Hermione so much. 

Harry saw Ron and Hermione exit through the grate, and sighed. Sirius challenged him to a game of Chess, knowing how boring it was going to be around the house with just him and Sirius. After being slaughtered in Chess three times, it was clear that there was no fun to be had while playing chess. He went to the study to find a book to read. The previous owners of the house had an interesting collection of books. They spanned between defense books, to alchemy. One book caught his eye though. 'Advanced Transfiguration; Animagus Transformation'. It looked interesting enough, even though he knew he probably wouldn't be able to transform. It wasn't like he had any reason to. 

He went to bed after finishing the book. That night, Harry had a nightmare. 

___

_There were three figures approaching a house that stood in the middle of a very uninhabited area that he recognized instantly as the Burrow. He didn't even have to be forced to follow, he went himself, knowing that if someone was going to be hurt, he would have at least try to do something about it. They silently unlocked the door to the houses and walked up the stairs, looking like they knew where they were going. He followed them silently, holding his breath silently as they passed the different rooms. Finally, they headed up the last staircase and arrived in front of Ron's room. Harry reached for his wand and was surprised when he actually felt it in his pocket. He pulled it out and tried to stun them, but the burst of sparks just went right through them. _

_Harry cursed, and tried to grab their shoulders, but his hand went right through them. He watched helplessly as they entered the room, and prayed that they didn't kill him on the spot. One of the figures pulled out his wand, and Harry breathed a sigh of relief momentarily, when he realized that he had just fired the silencing spell, but the full realization of what that meant fell on him. One of the men levitated him toward the door, and the others followed, along with Harry.  _

_They walked out of the house with their hostage in tow, and the tallest figure pulled out a stone glowing green. One of them clutched Ron's wrist, and touched the stone along with the others. In a flash of light, they disappeared. Harry didn't know whether he would wake up, or he would follow them, but he felt a tug at stomach and suddenly, he was standing in front of some kind of fortress. He saw that the figures were headed toward the front entrance. _

_When they had arrived inside, the tall figure instructed the other two to take the 'captive', to the cell, and for them to guard him under tight security. "Wake him up. And make sure that he doesn't escape. I'll be in to deal wit him in about an hour." The other two took off their masks and Harry could see that one of them was Malfoy, and the other one was Avery. Harry followed them, hoping to God that Ron wouldn't be tortured. _

_The walked up many flights of stairs, and Harry tried to remember how they got to the cell. He would need to be able to recall this when Ron was rescued…if they didn't kill him first. _

_      They got to a single cell. It wasn't really like a cell though. It was more of a stone cubical. The door was solid wood, and there was no window. Harry hoped that there was some kind of spell to keep some kind of ventilation for Ron to breath; or maybe that was some kind of torture. They dumped him unceremoniously on a wooden board that he assumed would be used as a bed. They removed the silencing spell they had on him, and woke him._

_      Before he could even get his bearings together, they had already left. Ron sat up abruptly, and began panicking. The dim lighting in the cell enlightened him to the current situation. He stood up, and started banging on the door. "Let me out! What the hell is going on! Why am I here? I didn't do anything. Where am I? Please, let me out!" He screamed, and banged on the door for a few more minutes until his fist were raw, before he collapsed against the wall in despair. Finally, he looked over to where Harry was looking at him, weakly. _

_      "Harry? What's going on? Why are we here? Where is here?" he asked quickly. _

_      "You- you can see me?" His eyes went wide, and suddenly, the hope that he had almost lost started to grow. If he could talk to Ron, then maybe he could somehow get him out. _

_      "Of course I can see you. Why wouldn't I?" he looked suspiciously. _

_      "I told you about the dreams I have that are connected to Voldemort?" He ignored it when Ron flinched. "Ron, Voldemort has taken you hostage. No one has ever been able to see me in one of these dreams yet. I'll- I'll try to get you out of here, but I don't really know how. _

_      "I- I'm being held captive?" He tried to hold himself back from being hysterical, trying to brave it out what with Harry being there. "What is You-know-who going to do to me? I don't want to die! Is he going to kill me? What does he want me for?" _

_      Harry hung his head in shame, knowing that Ron was probably there because Voldemort wanted him. He suddenly lifted it up; determination filled his eyes. "Ron, don't negotiate with your life. I don't know how I'm going to get you out of here, but I will. For now, you tell him whatever he wants to know. If we have to, Sirius and me can leave our house, but you're irreplaceable. Tell him whatever he wants, just don't get yourself killed." Ron looked at him like he wanted to argue, but Harry gave him a stern look._

_      Harry could feel the pain in his scar begin to grow, and he knew that Voldemort would soon be coming back to interrogate him- if that's what it was that he was going to do to Ron. _

_      The door opened, and there, in all of his menacing intimidation stood Lord Voldemort. "Ah, yes, Ronald Weasley. I assume that you know who I am." Ron looked petrified with fear. Harry couldn't blame Ron for being scarred. Put in his position, it was very easy to be demoralized in Voldemort's presence._

_      "Ah, I see you are fear me. As you should, Weasley. I am someone who most people don't like to cross, but the few who do don't usually live to tell about it, except for your little friend, Harry Potter. But you will see; if you cooperate, I can be a fair individual. I will let you go… if you assist me. If you refuse to tell, well, we can deal with that when the time comes. All I want to know is where Harry Potter lives. As he is your best friend, I assume you know?" Voldemort's voice was silky, oily, and malicious._

_      "He- he never told me where he lives." Ron said. _

_      "Ron, just tell him! You're more important then whether or not Voldemort knows where I live." Harry hissed.  _

_      "You don't know? You have never visited his house before? He never gave you his house's name?" Voldemort spoke in a tone like he was asking a small child whether his parents were home. _

_      "I'm not telling you anything! I would never betray my friend like that!" Ron had given up the act, and Harry, despite his huge frustration that Ron hadn't collaborated, was impressed at his bravery. He had always known his friend to crack under pressure, but here he was, protecting his friend, knowing full well that it might- if not would- cost him his life. Harry couldn't get over the loyalty Ron was showing him, but was still furious at how stupid and stubborn he was being. _

_      "Yes, well maybe you will change your mind after a few nights in this cell? Oh yes, '_Crucio_!'" He yelled in annoyance. _

_      Ron's screams rang out in the cell, and the sound of a door slamming followed. Ron gasped, and wheezed, and Harry kneeled near him, knowing the dream would be ending soon. "Ron, I'll be back with help! I promise. Next time, just tell him what he wants to know. Please! Don't be stupid!" and the dream ended._

___

Harry woke up, and without hesitation, got out of bed, and lunged out of the room, pounding on Sirius's door. He could here sounds of stumbling and things being knocked over, but within thirty seconds, Sirius was at the door looking alarmed, and frightened. "What is it? What's going on?" He looked around frantically, as if he expected there to be death eaters swarming the house.

      "It's Ron, he's been taken prisoner! Sirius, I saw it, in a dream! He was taken out of his house and put in this tiny little cell, and he saw me, and Voldemort came in and asked him where I was, and he wouldn't tell him, and he put the Cruciatus curse on him, and, and…" Harry stopped to take a breath. "You have to do something. Call Dumbledore, or his parents, or the ministry or anyone!"

      "Harry calm down! I can't do anything if you're frantic. I'll go alert Dumbledore. Harry, I know you're worried, but we have a good chance of getting him out. We have tons of spies working with Voldemort, and I'm sure that if Voldemort went to all of the trouble of capturing Ron, he's not going to kill him!" Sirius gave his shoulder a squeeze reassuringly. He walked down the stairs with Harry in tow, and fired Dumbledore. When he was finished, he gave Harry a half smile. "Well, Dumbledore already knows that Ron had been taken. They have already got people out trying to get Ron back."

      Harry sighed in relief, but knew that he wouldn't breath easy until Ron was safe. Harry sat down on the couch and put his head in his hands. He felt horrible, knowing that his friend was out there, curled up in a cell, and he was safe in his nice cozy home, and it was all his fault.  

      Harry felt Sirius's presence next to him, but didn't look up. He felt Sirius's arm around his shoulder, and he leaned into the crook of his arm. He looked up at him through the same darkened eyes that he had right after reading the newspaper article about how he relatives had died. The same numbness came over him, and he briefly realized that he was shaking.

"Look Har, I know you're feeling really guilty right now, but I've got to tell you, dwelling on it isn't going to help. Try to focus on helping Ron. He wouldn't blame you Harry. Remember your dreams? Live by your own words. It wasn't your fault any of that happened, and Ron wouldn't indict you for it." 

      Harry looked at Sirius; he knew his dark eyes where shining with unshed tears. "I just wish that there was something I could do. I feel so helpless." He fought very hard to keep his voice steady. 

      "Harry, if there were something you could do, then I have no doubt that you would go right out and do it, but all you can do is talk to him during your dreams. Keep up his spirit. Make sure that he doesn't crack. That is the best and only thing that you can do for Ron; just be his friend." Harry took a shaky breath, and nodded. 

      Harry bit his lip, fighting to keep the tears away, but as Sirius enveloped him in a hug, he let out a wet sob, and it was like damn broke way, and all of his fears and emotions just spilled over like an avalanche, and Harry couldn't control himself. He started crying heavily, feeling grief and fear, and above all, guilt. 

      He felt Sirius stiffen besides him as he realized that Harry was crying, but he just tightened his embrace and buryied Harry's head in his shoulder and let the tears fall down his face and onto his pajamas. He whispered soothing words to him, and Harry suppressed the feelings that were like second nature to him to stop his crying, and not to let anyone see his emotions, as he realized that Sirius wouldn't care.

      Harry lost track of the time and decided just to wait until he expelled all of his suppressed emotions, and he pulled away, hoping that Sirius would mistake the redness in his face for tears instead of embarrassment. He had really acted childishly, but he didn't care. He looked at Sirius, who rubbed his back reassuringly. 

Sirius didn't try and say anything about his outburst, and Harry was happy about that. He leaned against his shoulder for a while, and in time, Harry eventually fell into restless sleep.

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End Chapter VII- Roughin' It, and confinement

End notes: Bet you didn't expect that, huh? I bet you didn't think I would do that, huh? But you I'm gonna get flamed for this, huh? This whole 'Ron's been captured' thing isn't really what the plot centers around, but it will be for a couple of chapters (or maybe a few), as well as other things. So, you know, I wasn't originally going to do this, but I knew that it had to happen; it just kind of formed in the back of my mind and just started growing, and _growing _and **growing**, until I had no choice. My muse- with happens to be the voice in my head that I affectionately labeled, 'Sirius', - was telling me to do it, and when 'Sirius' speaks, you listen- because he's in my head, and he can cause a mean headache when he wants something. 

Notes to the readers that I scarred: I'm not crazy; I just like to act like I am. There is nothing wrong with having a voice in your head- it's better than having nothing in your head. 

Notes to the reviewers:

SarahPeach: Thanks for the review. Personally, chapter 6 was one of my favorite chapters so far (well, I think this one might  be my favorite) , but re-reading it, it just seems stupid. This chapter was angsty, and their really wasn't enough fluff, but it's really laying the plot down, it's setting up the events that are going to happen. 

BlackLupinFan: That's a new one; no one had ever told me that they _live _my story before. Just kidding. But thanks for the compliment. 

Blueberrie: It good to hear from you again. I hope you liked that chapter.

Midnightkat: Now, if I told you who Sirius was kissing, you wouldn't really care right now; you have to wait until I get around to introducing the character, and all of that other stuff. Plus, if I write suspenseful, everyone will keep reading more, waiting to see what's going to happen; therefore, cliffhangers are a good thing, for the writer that is. Sorry if Hermione wasn't really having a rough time in the camp setting. I've always wanted to go camping, but of course, I'll go and have a miserable time; that's just the way things work.

Next chapter: Coping and Motorcycles. Harry helps Ron deal with his situation, and comes between an inch (or centimeter) of having his greatest secret revealed.  

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	8. Coping and Motorcycles

                                                                            **Loss**

                                                                         By Hpfan

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Chapter VIII- Coping and Motorcycles

The following nights were some of the worst Harry had to deal with. Worse then any of his regular dreams, ten-fold; mostly because he knew that they were really happening. Every night, it was like clockwork. Harry would fall asleep, and suddenly, he would be infront of Ron's cell. He would walk through the door, and find Ron in horrible condition. He was rarely fed, and was deathly thin by the fifth night. 

      Ron would look up, his eyes giving off a very eerie gleam, and try to give him a smile. Harry would walk over to him, and give him a news briefing, sometimes lying just to keep his morale up, and would try to sooth him. Harry could see that his friend was halfway over the edge, but he still wouldn't give Voldemort what he wanted to know. Harry noticed that Ron had stopped flinching whenever he said the words Voldemort. He would talk to him for almost an hour, before Voldemort, or one of his followers would come in and perform his nightly torture. Ron's voice became hoarse with the screaming, and Harry was afraid that Ron would go mute if this was kept up. 

      One night, Harry was trying to convince him to just tell Voldemort the information he wanted. "Harry" he said in a weak, croaky voice, "What good would it do? I've tried his patience for far too long to be able to make any agreement with him. I'll tell him what he wants to know, and he'll dispose of me." He had said.

      Harry tried to contradict him, but he realized, he was right. Voldemort had probably been planning it from the beginning. He sighed. "Maybe your right. Still, you should try to negotiate with him. Tell him that you know his plan, and that you won't tell him anything unless you can be assured that you know he will let you go." He said.

      "Harry, haven't you figured it out yet? I'm not going to tell him anything. I don't care if he kills me. I'll tell you something. I don't really expect to make it out of here alive. I'm sorry. I know that's not what you want to here, but when you're left alone in a cell for almost a week, you come to a lot of conclusions; namely, what you're value really is."

      Harry shook his head, trying to convince his friend of what he was worth. "No, Harry, listen. You were always the one who everyone knew would be the savior of the world. You're the one who is going to get rid of Voldemort. What have I ever done? I'm just a nameless Weasley. The only thing that is special about me is that you're my best friend. I can afford to die; you can't. 

      "Ron, I don't give a damn about being the worlds savior. If I'm the one who is destined to save the world, that doesn't mean that because the rest of the world isn't, they can die. If all of the nameless people were killed off, there wouldn't be a world to save. Believe me, if the people I love weren't there to relish it with me, I don't think that I would want to bother saving the world. I wouldn't be able to function, knowing that you died because I was your friend. I just couldn't live with that. You have to keep up hope. I promise you, people out there are doing everything they can to get you out of here."

      Ron just gave him an 'I'll try' look, and Harry smiled at him a bit. Just then, the door open, and Harry knew what that meant. But, it wasn't a hood figure, or Voldemort who came in, it was Snape.

Snape came in, looking as menacing as Voldemort, but not as violent. "I know you're in here Potter. I need to talk to Weasley alone." Harry, of course, had no intention of leaving.

      "What's he going to do to me, take house points off?" he asked Ron. Ron gave him the closest thing to a smile that he could achieve. Ron repeated the comment to Snape, and his facial expression twisted into the scariest thing Harry had seen on his face so far.

      "Tell him I'm leaving. I'm not going, but it should make him happy." Harry said. Ron repeated it to Snape, and Snape look unconvinced. 

He took out his wand, muttered an unfamiliar spell, and said, "I'm waiting Potter." 

Harry looked at Ron, and said, "I guess he has a tracking spell put on the room." Ron nodded at him, and he walked out of the cell. After about twenty minutes of them being in the cell alone together, he was beginning to get alarmed. He stuck his head through the door, and saw that Ron and Snape were still talking. Just as he was about to leave the room, he saw head toward the door. Snape left, and Harry went to go talk to Ron. 

"What did he say?" Harry asked, hoping that Ron could talk about it.

"He was telling me plans for escape. He didn't want you listening in. He knew if you knew the plans, you would want to go out and risk your life trying to save me. And you and I know that you probably would." He said. 

"So, how did Snape get in here? He's one of the spies right?" he asked. It wasn't really news. He had suspected Snape of going back to Voldemort as a spy for a while.

"Yeah. He didn't go into detail, but I would bet that he was suppose to come in here and torture me." Ron flinched at the word torture. 

"Well, see, you're going to be rescued. I told you that you would." Harry said. "It's probably about time for me to wake up. I guess I'll see you tomorrow night. Keep your chin up Ron." 

After Harry woke up, it was usually about one in the morning, and Harry would usually go down to the living room, and watch TV until he fell asleep on the couch. Most nights, Sirius would join him, when he heard him get up in the middle of the night, and they would watch stupid old movies and reruns of _Who Wants to be a Millionaire?_ And _who's line is it anyway_.

Occasionally, he wouldn't be able to get back to sleep, and would have to take the dreamless sleep potion, but usually, he would go back to sleep by two or three. 

During normal hours, Harry was somewhat withdrawn. He couldn't help but feel guilty. Whenever he ate lunch, he would think, 'I bet Ron isn't eating lunch. I bet Ron doesn't even get a lunch. He probably doesn't even know that it's lunchtime!'. When he would ride his broom, he would remind himself that Ron could only dream of playing Quidditch. When he fell asleep, he remembered that Ron didn't have a bed to sleep in; he had a piece of plywood. 

Sirius was being sympathetic to him constantly. He didn't ask for anything; not that he ever really asked him for anything, but he didn't press him to do anything that he didn't want to, or just wasn't doing.

Sirius stopped with his corny jokes that Harry would usually laugh at, if not just to be polite. He seemed to realize that Harry wasn't in a good mood, and didn't try to push him to do something fun to try to try to snap himself out of it. 

Harry almost wished that Sirius would try to tell him that he had to so something; he wanted to play quidditch, and to do all of the things that he would normally do. He frequently told himself that he shouldn't have fun; 'Ron is a prisoner, I can't just go out and play Quidditch and act like he's just going to come back.' But he wanted to have fun. He wanted an excuse to enjoy the rest of the holiday. 

Finally, Sirius just snapped at him. They were sitting at the kitchen table, after Harry had made dinner, eating in silence, when Sirius started. "Harry, you have to stop acting like this! It isn't healthy. You shouldn't be moping around the house this way! It's not good for Ron, and it's definitely not good for you. If you want to help Ron, you should try and be optimistic. You're acting like he's already dead; well he isn't, so you should stop acting like he is, and start acting like his best friend." Sirius said this as polite as he could, but Harry still flinched at his words. 

"How would having a great time and playing Quidditch, and watching TV be helping Ron? He's suffering in a cell in who knows where, and I'm playing, and eating sweets! It's not helping Ron either way, so why should I be happy, or sad? It doesn't matter." Harry hadn't meant for his words to come out so loudly, but they did.

Sirius kept his calm. Harry, however, wished he had yelled at him. "It matters to me! I hate seeing you like this. And it should matter to you, and it would matter to Ron, Hermione, and the Weasleys, and all of your friends if they knew how you were reacting to this. I'm not asking you to be cheerful, just smile occasionally, in order for me to make sure that you aren't going over the edge." 

"Come on, just a smile! It's not that hard. It's completely painless too! See." He demonstrated by giving him a cheesy smile. "And it took little to no muscle strength too." He said in a tacky infomercial type voice. 

Harry rolled his eyes. "And you're worried about me going over the edge." 

"Well, at least your rude wit is back. If it would cheer you up, I'll let you drive my motorcycle." He said. Harry looked up at him. 

"Really?" he said tentatively, like expecting it to be a joke. 

"Sure, why not?" he said indolently.

"Cool!" he exclaimed.

"Well, it's too late tonight, but I'll show you how to steer it tomorrow." He said, getting up from the table. Harry, decided he was full enough, and went to the library to get something to read. After the Animagus book, he wanted to know more about Transfiguration; the subject was interesting.

After selecting a book about Transfiguration, he went to bed.

That night was one of the worst visions he had had with Ron so far.

_____

_He arrived before the cell, and instantly he could smell a putrid smell in the air. It was the metallic, acrid smell of blood. Harry would feel the pungent smell overwhelm his sinuses, and his eyes began to water. He feared going through the door, knowing what he would see. _

_At first, he could see nothing but a huge pile of bloody flesh, but he soon realized that it was Ron. The shock of seeing him like that made him impulsively flee the room, and lean against the wall for almost a minute, getting his bearing together. He knew that he shouldn't be out there; he should be helping his friend, but he couldn't bring himself to see Ron like that. The blood was bad enough, but Ron's body lying on the floor was too much._

_Finally, he sucked up his resolve, and walked through the door. He tried to ignore the strong tangy odor from all of the blood, and he walked over to Ron's side to examine the extent of the damage. He didn't see a knife anywhere around the area, or; he shuddered to think this, sticking out of Ron's flesh._

_"Ron? Ron, please wake up! Please don't be dead! I can't check to see if you're dead or not! Wake up! Oh, please wake up!" He could feel the tears streaming down his face as he looked over the damage. He reached out to try and touch him, sub-consciously knowing that he couldn't, and was surprised when he could._

_Harry instantly felt for a pulse, and sighed heavily when he felt a weak one. "Ron, wake up! You have to wake up Ron! Please!" Harry felt to make sure he wasn't choking on blood, and was relieved to see that he wasn't. The blood must have already clotted because there wasn't any blood flowing out of the open wound. _

_"Ron, wake up, please, wake up! You have to wake up. Please!" he felt the tears flowing faster and faster, and they ran down his face, and onto Ron's arms, where the injury was. He saw no blood coming from his stomach, and was happy to know that none of his internal organs had been damaged. _

_Ron moved suddenly, and his eyes fluttered open. He looked utterly confused, and had no idea where he was. He raised his head to look at Harry. "Wha- what's going on, why do my arms hurt so much?" He looked down to the mutilated things that where his limbs._

_"Ron, you must have been stabbed or something. I couldn't wake you up at first; I thought that you were dead." Harry couldn't stop the tears from coursing steadily down his face. "I'm so sorry Ron, this is all my fault!" he sobbed. _

_"Harry, it's not your fault! Please, I'm sorry, Harry, but I can't deal with your guilt right now! I've been stabbed repeatedly, and I'm sorry if you feel bad, but you're just going to have to believe me when I say that this isn't your fault! Please, help me!" Harry bit his lip, ignoring his friend's behavior, and he helped lift him up. He couldn't exactly remember muggle first aid, so he ripped off the sleeves of his shirt, and tried to soak up the blood with it._

_Harry ripped off Ron's own pajama sleeves, knowing that it was summer, and although it was common knowledge that people who have lost blood should stay warm, he didn't think that it would go below seventy degrees in Ron's jail cell, unless it was deliberate._

_"Ron, I don't think that there is anything else I can do for you, unless you want the rest of my shirt." That's when Harry realized. His arms where revealed. Unless Ron was totally delusional, and Harry doubted he was, as he had proven from his last statement that he was mentally stable, he was going to see what had happened to his arms._

_"Harry? Wha- what happened to your arms?" he whispered._

_"It's nothing. Ron, let's just deal with your arms." He said. _

_"No, there is nothing more that I can do about my arms, but I want to know how your arms got that cut up. It doesn't look like you ran through a bush, because they're only on the upper part of your arms, the part that can be covered by a tee shirt." Harry could tell that he was beating around the bush; he knew that Ron realized what had happened; he just wanted Harry to be the one who admitted it._

_"Ron, don't worry about it. It's just a couple of cuts!" _

_"In the same places on each arm? Come on Harry, anyone could tell you did it to yourself. But why?" Ron finally asked him the question Harry had been dreading._

_"I did it a while ago." Harry said._

_"Those aren't scars. They look pretty new to me!" Ron said. By the look on his face, he knew that he was being annoying._

_"So what? You know, I'm not going to tell you anything. It's my own damn business!" Harry said forcefully._

_Ron looked angered at him, than shocked, then grudgingly. "Fine, don't tell me. I swear to god though Harry, if I get out of here, I'm telling everyone. I'll tell Sirius, and Hermione, and Dumbledore. Heck, I'll tell Snape the next time he comes to my cell!" _

_Harry's eyes got large, "You wouldn't! You- you can't! Please Ron!" He yelped._

_"Tell me why you did this to your self." He said; Harry knew that if his arms hadn't been mutilated, he would have been crossing them._

_"Ron, it's a long story!"_

_"I have nothing but time on my hands." He said._

_"Fine, you wanted to know though… Well, you know when we met up at Diagon Ally?  Hermione mentioned that the Dursleys had died, and you said-" Ron cut him off_

_"I asked why you would care. They were horrible to you." Ron completed._

_ "Yeah, well see Ron, I do care! I know they didn't treat me good, but they're my relatives, and, like it or not, they died because they're my family. That's why I cut myself!" Harry said vehemently. "I know that you probably can't understand that, but- but think about if it were Percy? I don't care how much you don't like each other, if he died from something relating somehow to you, you wouldn't just care, you would hate yourself!" Harry said, with building fervor. He had been waiting so long to say these words._

_"They died because they're related to me! Heck, it doesn't even mater that we're related, they died because of me. I don't care who it is, their death was on my hands, and there was nothing I could do to stop it, I watched it. And I heard their screams, just like I hear your screams, and I can't do a damn thing about it! I can't even get revenge. This whole thing is like a huge mistake that I made that was blown way out of proportion, causing hundreds of deaths. Do you know what that feels like? My mistake was being born! It was my fault that all of this happened! A freak accident; my birth! And there is nothing I could do to stop it, so I thought, maybe if I take some of this out on myself, than I would feel better. And you know what, I did feel better." _

_Harry wanted to continue his rant, and he knew he could for hours, and he didn't care who heard it. In his irrational state, Harry would have carried on until he woke up, but he looked over at Ron, and a spark of decency returned to him, as he saw Ron in his weaken state trying to take all this in. Harry's sensibility kicked in, and he realized that he had taken his maimed friends concern for him, and turned it into an all out assault on him. _

_"Ron, I'm sorry; I'm really sorry! It's just that you're the first person who knows about this," he gestured toward his arms, "And now that you know, all of the things that I've kept to myself since I first started just kind of came spilling from my mouth at the first target I could find, and it's just happened to be you." He looked deeply remorseful. _

_"I know Harry. I know exactly how you feel. You know, I've never really understood how you can always deal with all of the things that you go through. It just seems like a fifteen-year-old shouldn't have to deal with this, and I always felt like I was being stupid because I had problems with potions homework, and I had a tantrum. I always wondered how you could deal with the threat of Voldemort, and fact that you lost your parents, and didn't have the best home to return to, and not react to this like I would. It's taken until now to realize that you don't'! You don't deal with these problems. You just seem to shake these things off like they don't matter, instead of getting things out of your system. _

_"It didn't always use to be like this. I use to freak out when these things happened, but I realized after a while that there was nothing that I could do. Showing emotion was like a weakness. It was like a sign of strength that I couldn't keep these things in, and then walk away, but well, this is the result of doing that I guess! You take all that anger and aggression and bring it back on yourself." He was referring to the cutting. He looked down at his lap where he sat against he wall with his knees to his chest._

_Ron just looked at him with a sad smile. They sat in a silent peace for about fifteen minutes, when Harry realized that it would soon be time for him to go. "Look Ron, I will make sure that they double their effort at getting you out of here. You just take care of your arms." Harry gave him a nod, biting his lip as he looked at his friend's injuries. He walked over to give Ron's shoulder a squeeze before he drifted out of his dream._

_____

Harry woke up after that to find that his sleeves were torn in reality. He was going to have to change his shirt before he went down stairs to meet Sirius. He walked into the bathroom to look at his reflection. His torn sleeves, tousled hair, and discoloration under his eyes, made him look scruffy, but he couldn't bring himself to care. He couldn't get Ron off of his mind, and he knew that things weren't going to get any easier. 

Before he could even think rationally about it, he had grabbed a razor that had been sitting on the top shelf of the cabinet, and made a deep gash going straight down the upper part of his arm. He could feel the adrenaline pumping through his blood as he realized what he had done. A scary thought past through his head at that moment; 'I like this feeling!'

He cut again: the pain giving him a sudden rush running through his veins. It felt like the blood vessels in his body were being squeezed tightly, but the pain was pleasurable. He shuddered at the pure force of it all. After a few more horizontal cuts, he stopped, and breathed heavily. When he had come to his senses, he threw the razor down, internally yelling at himself for his stupidity.   

'I can't believe I'm doing this! Ron is being mutilated, and I'm here dong it to myself, and finding pleasure out of it! How can I feel bliss out of pain? Maybe I really am becoming like Voldemort!' He shook his head forcibly. 'NO' he had almost shouted out loud, 'I'm not like him! I don't want people to die!' He shook his head.

'This is going to stop!' he thought. But it had felt so good! How could something that caused so much pleasure turn out to be so wrong? Then a notion crossed his mind. Drugs give you the same feeling but you can kill yourself doing them. He set his jaw in determination.

He looked back to his new self-inflicted wound, and cringed, as he saw the blood running down his arm and leaking on the floor. He winced when he saw that it had dripped on the floor mat. Harry hasted to clean the blood off his arm, but it kept flowing. His eyes winded as the cuts continued to bleed profusely, and he grabbed his ripped shirt of his back, balled it up, and held it to the incisions.

The blood finally stopped flowing. He sighed in relief. He looked at the shirt. It was covered with blood. He leaned against the wall and sank down against it. The newest scratch stood out vividly against his pale skin.

"Harry?" he heard Sirius knock from the other side of the door. "You okay?" he asked.

Harry tried to remain calm, but Sirius had scared him. He took a deep breath, trying not to sound frantic. "Yeah, I'm fine." He cringed as he heard his voice squeak.

"Come on out." Sirius sounded suspicious. 

"Uh, you go ahead downstairs without me, I'll be there soon." He knew if he could see Sirius right now, he would have his eyebrow raised.

"Alright then." He said, and Harry listened to his footsteps descending down the stair, waited a minute, and stuck his head out the door. The hallway was clear. He snuck back into his room and threw his shirt in the garbage, changed into a new one, and headed downstairs for the living room. 

End Chapter VIII- Coping and Motorcycles

End notes: Well, how was that? I was thinking of calling that chapter, 'The Return of the Razor', but that seemed like it would give too much away. So, know Ron knows. I'm only halfway done the next chapter, but I'm putting this up because I haven't updated for a while. Never fear though, it will be summer soon (Though OOTP will be out, and after that know one will really care about the story's written before the fifth book, I'm still going to update.)

Notes to the reviewers: 

Adenara Yatman: Thank you. 

Sarahpeach: Did I give you a hint? Opps. Oh, you will understand in due time. You really don't have any patience at all do you? I don't blame you. It's not like I like seeing you this frustrated, there is nothing I can do with out ruining the whole story. If I could tell just you… well, I wouldn't. This brunet will be revealed around the time Harry enters Hogwarts, but don't press me.

BlackLupin: Thank you for you reviews. I love my story too. JK. I like my story, but not to the point where it's conceited, or unhealthy.  

Next chapter: I'll tentatively call it 'Love' but that might change. You'll read it and find out what happens, but it's a keystone chapter. *Cheesy commercial voice* You don't want to miss, the next chapter of, 'Loss'.  
  


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	9. Love

                                                                            **Loss**

                                                                         By Hpfan

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Chapter IX- Love

"Okay, when you get about twenty yards (AN: Or meters, if you're on the metric system) away, I want you to pull your weight back on the rear tire, and hold on for dear life!" Harry raised his eyebrow suspiciously. "Of course, that's probably a given, as usually when your going up at a ninety-degree angle, you hold onto something."

"So, how does riding a motorcycle differ from riding a broom?" he asked, looking for any helpful tips incase he got into the sky and started to plummet to his death. 

"Great question, but unfortunately, I'm not going to answer you. I'm just going to let you draw your own conclusions after you've done it" He smiled a knowing smile, and Harry guessed it was one of those, 'you have to live through it' things, or maybe Sirius just didn't know how to describe it. 

Riding on the back of a motorcycle, or laying down on the expanded seat, as he had done for most of the trip, wasn't exactly a thrill ride, but it was similar to riding a broom; it just didn't give him the exhilaration that you get from having the feeling of steering it.

"Anything else I should know before I take off?" Harry wanted to make sure Sirius hadn't left out any important detail that would send him falling to the earth.

"Yeah, if you scratch my bike, I'll kill you." He said nonchalantly. Harry gulped. "Oh, and you might want to bring your wand incase you fall off and are lying somewhere with a compound fracture, and a concussion, but I doubt it will make much difference." Harry kept his eyes from bugging out of his head, knowing that Sirius was playing around. 

"I'm just kidding about the falling thing. The scratch notwithstanding." He handed Harry a helmet, and Harry clambered on the bike. 

"Just, you know, a last minute question; do I have health insurance?" he asked, half kidding half serious. 

"Relax, you have a helmet." He said.

"Yeah, that's real helpful if I break my neck!" 

"Oh! You mean you don't know? Wizard helmets have charms on them to shield your body from an impact. If you're about to hit the ground, you bounce up, and then you just wait until you land on your feet after the recoil. You don't have to worry about it. Besides, it's no more dangerous to ride a broom than to ride a motorcycle." 

Harry had to resist the urge to argue on that factor. He followed Sirius's instructions about how to take off, and soon found himself rocketing down the path. He suddenly realized that riding a motorcycle and riding a broom were about as different as night and day. While the broom was smooth, and easily driven, the motorcycle was rickety on the hilly road, and Harry found himself holding onto the handlebars until his knuckles were white.

Finally, he estimated that it was time to start lifting off. He felt apprehensive about shifting his weight, when he felt so much more stable on the seat, but he screwed up his courage, and pulled bounced backwards while pushing the 'lift off' button on the left handle, and found himself going straight up until he was far enough where he could level off.  

He realized than why anyone would even bother to deal with all of the hassles of a motorcycle, when they could just hop on a broom and fly away. There was a certain sense of control, and power that he felt while driving the bike. It was the surge of energy that was moving through him and the bike. It felt like he was in control of a force of power; and it was enlivening. He did a couple of laps, and a couple of attempts at tricks, and somehow, although he was use to flying on his broom almost every day, it was like he was flying for the first time. 

_____

The next morning, Harry got out of bed, and realized that after he had gone back to sleep after his 'visit' with Ron. He took his shower, and went down the stairs to start breakfast. He saw the newspaper upright and opened the refrigerator door, and asked, "Morning. What do you want for breakfast" 

"Good morning. I'm okay, I've already eaten.", came the voice of Remus Lupin from behind the newspaper. 

Harry jumped, spilling the orange juice he was pouring. "Remus?" he said. Suddenly, he remembered the last time he had visited with Remus. What a fiasco that had been! He had had a nervous breakdown on the man's sofa! Putting it into perspective, he realized what Remus must have thought of him, what with all of the times he had fainted in his third year while coming in contact with dementors, and that whole situation on the quidditch pitch; that added to the fit he had had, and Remus would probably think he was a total wuss.

"Hello, Harry. Sirius had to go out for the day; he asked me to come over and hang out with you." Remus said as he lowered the paper as Harry sat down.

Harry turned red. "He got me a babysitter?" He put his head in his hands. "God, I'm fifteen."

"I don't think that he meant it like that. I think he just wanted someone here to keep you preoccupied. I mean, what would you do all day if there was no one here?" Harry gave him a feeble smile, trying not to look ungrateful. 

Harry had to resist the urge to say, 'Get some peace and quite for once'. The situation wasn't getting much better, and Harry decided that this could be added to the ever-growing list of ways he had embarrassed himself in front of Remus. Needing a babysitter was probably a good one.

Harry suddenly frowned. "Where is Sirius, anyway?" 

Remus shrugged, "He didn't tell me. I assumed he would tell you, or leave you a note or something." Remus seemed politely puzzled. "He seemed pretty secretive about it when I asked him."

"Yeah." Harry held a mad tone in his voice. Sirius was sneaking around, seeing his girlfriend again. "I'm sure he would be." Remus looked like he was going to question him, but changed his mind about it.

"So, what do you normally do around here?"

"Whatever activities are available. Quidditch, chess, gobstones, exploding snap… If there is nothing else, I'll just watch TV, or read a book." Harry listed.

"Well, I'm not that good at chess-" He started.

"Perfect, let's play." Harry said, getting up, and heading for the dining room. Remus looked puzzled. "I can't remember the last time I've won a chess game. I need someone bad to play against before I'm put off the game forever."

As it turned out, Harry lost the first round anyway. He won the second round, but he suspected that it was only because Remus let him win, out of pity. Harry then suggested a game of exploding snap, but Remus said that he would rather go outside. Harry was slightly shocked at the prospect of Remus Lupin playing Quidditch, but didn't voice his opinion.

It turned out, once again, that he had underestimated one of his elders. Remus was a better flyer then Sirius was, though not quite as good as Harry. While Sirius had more of physical approach to the game, and preferred the position of beater, Remus was a lot better at strategizing, and was an excellent keeper. 

After Remus blocked all of his shots- though Harry had to say that he sucked as a chaser- Harry, being very impressed, asked him a question. "Remus, were you on the quidditch team when you were in Hogwarts?" 

"Yeah, I was the keeper." 

"Uh, what about Sirius?" Harry knew the answer, but he thought that if he asked Remus, he would probably go into detail about why not.

"No. He tried out for beater, but Peter made the team instead of him. He was mad at Peter for almost a month after he took his spot." 

Harry had to hold onto his broom tightly, because he was going to fall of the broom laughing. Finally, he spat, "Peter? I've seen pictures of Peter as a kid; he looked like he would sooner hide under his pillow at the mere sight of a bludger, rather than go out for beater!"

 Remus also looked amused. "Why do you think Sirius was so mad about it?" 

_____

Harry was lying on his bed, in his room; limbs hanging over the bed, as he lazily looked at the page in his quidditch book. He had been staring at the page for the last five minutes, not have the energy to move his arm to turn the page. It was seven o'clock; Remus had left, saying that Sirius would be home soon. He could hear Sirius moving around downstairs, but indolence prevented him from going down there and greeting him.

Harry looked up idly as Sirius walked into his room, and sat on the armchair. (AN: Yes, he has an armchair in his room. I wished I had a room big enough to hold an armchair alone!!) "Hey, Harry. What'd you do today with Moony?" 

"We played quiditch, and chess. I've also been labeled the worst chess player in the history of… chess." He rolled over on his bed (AN: I couldn't do that! I would fall off!) So that he was looking at Sirius upside-down. "That, or everyone I know is just really good at it- besides Hermione that it."

Sirius grunted. "Probably just because me, Ron, and Remus all grew up in wizard homes. It's nothing personal, we've just been playing a lot longer than you have.

"I just wanted to take out the garbage." He reached down to take the bag, when he suddenly stopped. He pulled out the shirt Harry instantly recognized, to his horror, to be the blood-soaked shirt that he had used to saturate the blood coming from the cuts on his arms. "I don't remember this shirt looking like it was bled on- or sleeveless for that matter."

Harry stared in open-mouthed horror. "Uh…" he hadn't thought up an excuse for a situation like this. He said the first thing that came to his mind. "I-I had a- a nosebleed. I ruined my shirt by accident, and, I-uh, used it to soak up the blood. It was the first thing I saw." He sat up on the bed.

Sirius didn't even try to hide the suspicion in his eyes. "That's an awful lot of blood for a nosebleed." 

Harry laughed nervously. "Yeah, well…" 

"But, anyway, I picked up something for you when I was out today." He had that sly look in his eyes as he walked out of the room, and came back with a shirt. It was a cool silvery silk, and Harry realized- whether this was set up or not- where this was going. 

"I though you would like it, since you don't really have a ton of really nice shirts, you might want it." He tossed it to him. "Try it on, I want to see how it fits." Harry looked at the shirt, trying to think of ideas of how to get out of the situation. 

"I-uh, I think I'm allergic to silk."

Sirius raised his eyebrow at him. "You have three other silk shirts that I've seen you wear."

Harry was at a loss for what to do or say. Finally, he went to the last resort. "I guess I'll go change then." And he headed for the bathroom. 

Sirius stopped him at the door. "Yeah, that's what I thought you would say." He began pacing around the room. Harry stood near the door, confused as to what to do. He was sure Sirius knew, but what was he going to do? Sirius suddenly stopped pacing. "Harry, you know that I care about you, right? You know that you can tell me anything? I mean, you do know that I-I Lo-" Harry's heart sunk as Sirius stopped himself. He had wanted to hear him say that he loved him, but he had paused. Maybe he really didn't care. Maybe he just felt like it was his responsibility to take care of him because his parents had made him his godfather. He fought back the tears in his eyes, but he couldn't help the feeling of disappointment sweep over him. 

Suddenly, he had the impulse to leave; he needed to be alone. He saw that Sirius had stopped trying to talk, and was staring at him quietly. He didn't notice the awkward silence, because his head was buzzing. He turned away, and ran out the door, down the staircase, and out the door.

He ran faster than he had know he could run, especially, considering that he had been feeling like he couldn't even move a couple of minutes ago. He ran toward the forest, and didn't stop, he reached the stream, not really caring where he was going; just that he needed to get away. He reached the rock, utterly exhausted, and suddenly, he felt the wave of emotions boiling up inside him. He sat quietly on the rock, watching the waves crash over the side of the cliff, a feeling of searing feeling rushing through his stomach.

He had always dreamed of some unknown relative, or someone- anyone-, coming to take him away from his uncaring house, and living with Sirius had been like a dream come true. But after finally understanding what it was to live in a home where he was cared about, the whole thing seemed kind of fake. He felt like he had gone and played house for a couple of days, but now it was over, and everything said and done was really just an act. He didn't want to question it, but with everything that had happened, he was really wondering what was real and what wasn't. 

He didn't want to let go of it though. He had wanted so badly to believe that Sirius really loved him that he couldn't bring himself to give up hope. It was just so easy to believe after going through a loveless childhood that someone really cared, Harry had reached out to the first person that had made an attempt. And it seemed like he really did love him. Harry couldn't help but put up his defenses at the slightest questionable action.

Why couldn't he have just said it? Was it that Sirius really didn't love him? Did he care? Maybe there was something wrong with Harry. Maybe Sirius had been trying to like him, but, like the Dursley's, he couldn't find anything to love. That thought brought h is to the brink of letting all those emotions out. Finally, he stopped, and laid on the rock, set in depression, suppressing the desire to kick and punch something. The sun was setting, slowly, and Harry realized that he couldn't stay here all night. He would have to go… somewhere. But he didn't care. He just didn't. It wasn't like it was cold out; he cold make shelter out here.

"Harry?" he heard Sirius's voice from behind him.

'How did he find me?' He though to himself. Harry didn't want to turn around, because if he did, he knew he would have to face him. 

"Harry, why did you run off?" he asked, turning to face him. Harry just stared at him. The tears he thought he had repressed were coming back at amazing force. 

He fought to keep himself from coming apart. What was he going to say? Could he tell him the truth? "Why didn't you just say it?" Harry whispered, so that Sirius could barely hear him. 

"Harry? What do you mean?" He sounded surprised. 

"Nothing… I just… needed to be alone." He said, turning his face so that he couldn't see the tears in his eyes. 

"Are you mad at me? Did I do something wrong?" Harry glared angrily. He didn't even figure it out. 

Despite himself, he said, "No, you didn't do anything wrong. I was the stupid one," He said in a voice anyone could discern was not his own. 'The stupid one to think that you really cared', he thought to himself. 

"What are you talking about, Har? Look, if this is about, er…" Sirius must not have known how to put what ever it was he was going to say. "Harry, let me see your arms." He said. The spontaneity surprised him, and his eyes widened

"Shit" Harry cursed quietly. 

"What was that?" Sirius asked in a reprimanding voice. Harry sighed defiantly. "Harry." 

Seeing no choice left, he pulled out the sleeves of his shirt, and took it off. Sirius seemed to be expecting something like that, but seeing the full extent of it caught him off guard. "Harry, what where you thinking, doing this to yourself?" Harry could tell he was trying to keep his temper, but his tone defied him. "Are you totally insane? Why would you cut yourself? Everyone is trying so hard, keeping Voldemort from doing this to you, and you're doing it to yourself! Are you mad?" Sirius lost the battle with his rage. 

Harry had to fight himself from yelling back at Sirius. He was hurt, but he wasn't going to make things worse by saying something back to him.

Harry got off the rock, and sat next to it, leaning his head against it, resisting the urge to bang his head against it. "What the heck is wrong with you? What could posses you to do something so stupid?" Harry finally couldn't take it.

"Are you quite done?" Harry asked him indignantly. Sirius glared at him. "If you think your helping, your not. You're really not!  Do you think I'm going to tell you anything while your screaming at me? I'm not going to say what I want to say to you, because I'm not in the right state-of-mind to say anything I won't regret; I'm not dealing with you right now!" He stood up, and ran off toward the house. 

_____

Harry got back to the house quickly, not hearing Sirius behind him. He locked himself inside his room, kicked off his shoes, and buried himself under the covers, and squeezed the pillow to his chest. Sirius knew, and he thought he was an idiot for what he had done. Obviously Sirius not only didn't love him, but he thought he was stupid too. He buried his head in his pillow, biting his lip, trying to keep the tears away. 

He heard Sirius knock on the door, and he buried himself farther under the sheets. He knew Sirius must have used an unlocking spell, because he felt someone sit on the bed next to him. He edged away from the weight. "Harry?" Sirius's voice was muffled, but he made him out. "I'm sorry I blew up at you. I know that it was a stupid thing to do, and I'm sorry for it." 

"No you're not." He said through the covers. He felt Sirius tugging at the covers of his bed. Harry let him pull them off. 

"Yes I am. I know that I was acting rash back there. I don't mean what I said. Your not insane." Harry wasn't so eager to forgive him.

Harry sat up next to him. "No, I think you mean exactly what you said. I think that was the most honest thing you've said to since I've been here. I don't know why you're taking care of me, but you obviously don't want to be. If the Dursley's weren't dead, I'd go back to them and leave you alone. Then again, I know they wouldn't want me either. In fact, neither would my parents. Were you just the unlucky one? Did you lose a bet? Is someone paying you to do it?" 

Sirius looked shocked, and slightly hurt. "Of course not! I wouldn't have taken you in if I didn't want you. No one bribed me, and I didn't appreciate you assuming that I don't want you."

Harry practically shouted at him, "I don't appreciate you calling me insane! No, it probably doesn't feel good being yelled at, but what would I know? I'm just a stupid fifteen-year-old cutter, aren't I?"  

"Harry, I didn't take you in because I thought that you're parents wanted me too, and I didn't take you in because you saved my life. When I first met you, all I could think was that you were one of the bravest, loyalist people I'd ever met. Then when I found out about what happened to you after the third task, I kept feeling this huge amount of pride, that I was your godfather."

Harry looked surprised. "But I killed Cedric! What's to be proud of?" he asked.

"Harry, first of all, you didn't kill Cedric, and I'm proud of you because you faced Voldemort when you knew it would probably get you killed. Not many people, when faced with an ultimatum, would choose death over doing something they knew at heart was wrong."

Harry stilled looked surprised at this revelation.

"It might have started out that I offered you a home because you were my godson, and you reminded me of James, but now that I know you, you're nothing like James, besides in appearance and that Gryffindor spirit of yours, but I love you for who you are. I just hate to see you doing this to yourself. I just want you to be happy. When I saw you doing this to yourself, I got mad at myself, because I thought I wasn't doing a good job as your guardian. You obviously are having some problems, and it's my responsibility as your godfather to help you through them. If you're cutting yourself, I'm clearly not doing my job."

Harry stared at him in shock. It definitely sounded like Sirius cared about him. Harry felt a huge feeling of embarrassment for jumping to such farfetched conclusions. Sirius evidently cared a lot about him. He had been stupid to cut himself, when he should have just talked it out with Sirius. He stared at him, feeling his cheeks flush red with embarrassment. He didn't know what to say to Sirius.

"Sirius, I'm really sorry about what I said." But Sirius cut him off.

"Don't. You didn't do anything wrong. I know that you were trying not to say those things, and if you forgive me, I'll forgive you. I know I was being a great prat, and you don't have to apologize, because you didn't do anything. We have more important things to talk about."

Harry blanched. "I know. Look, Sirius, I know I was being an idiot. The first time I did it was after I read the newspaper.  I was just really devastated about the whole thing, and I saw the razor, and I just couldn't help myself. I don't know why I did it really. The last time I did it because of Ron."

"You mean you cut yourself because Ron was being held captive?" Sirius asked.

"No, it was because of what Voldemort, or one of his Death Eaters did to him the other night." Harry realized that he hadn't told Sirius about it yet. "He stabbed him, Sirius. I was so upset about it. I tried to help him with the bleeding, but when I tore the sleeves off that shirt you found, he saw the cuts." 

"Why didn't you tell me about this?" 

"I was going to, I guess, but I saw the razor first, and… I guess I just didn't want to say anything about it incase I slipped up and said something" Sirius sighed. 

"Sirius, did you know about this? I mean, did you guess what I was doing?"

"I saw the blood on the bathroom mat. There were enough signs for me to guess what you were doing." Sirius shifted his weight anxiously. 

"So…" Harry didn't know how to phrase his next question. "What now? I mean, are you going to punish me? Are you going to give me to someone else?" He didn't know what to expect. The thought of someone finding out he was cutting himself was always followed up by the thoughts of what would happen to him. Surly Sirius wasn't just going to go on pretending that nothing had happened.

"Of course I'm not going to give you away! I don't know if you know how the system works- heck, I'm not sure I completely understand it- but know that I'm your guardian, I can't just give you away at random. You're not just a pair of old shoes; if something happens to you I can't just throw you out and get a new pair. If I was an unfit guardian, and I couldn't take care of you, you would probably, er; I don't know what would happen to you actually. You would either be given to Remus, or the Weasley's would take you in, but I don't think you have to worry about it." 

"Anyway, I'm not going to punish you. What would I do? Take away your Quidditch privileges? No, I'm going to do something worse! It's shock therapy for you!" Harry gulped in a fake manner. Sirius continued in his phony treacherous voice. "First, they hook you up to, 'the chair', which zaps you three times. Then, they force you to go to school with your hair looking like that!"

"Oh the horror!" Harry moaned. 

"Oh, that's not all! Then they subject you to an eight hour-long potions detention! Finally, after you're completely traumatized, you have to listen to the Hogwarts anthem sung by me! Have you ever heard me sing? I don't think you want to go through that!" 

Harry was almost trembling at the thought of an eight-hour potions detention. "And how would this help me to stop cutting? I would think after going through that I would just swallow a bottle of Tylenol and end it all." 

"Your right. I guess we'll have to think of something better. How about you just tell me the next time something's bothering you?" Harry smiled.

"That could work too." 

"You promise me?" Sirius said in a serious voice. (AN: NPI)

"Yeah, I promise." Harry said, realizing their talk was over. 

"Okay. Well, I guess I'll see you around one then, huh?" he asked getting off the bed. Harry nodded in reply. 

"Night."

"Night."

Sirius was almost at the door, when Harry said, "And Sirius."

"Yeah?" he replied.

Harry paused for a moment, before uttering, "I love you."

Sirius stood immobile, shocked, "I love you too, Harry." He replied, turning off the lights.

**End Chapter IX- Love**

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End notes: That was, by far, the cheesiest, most unrealistic chapter I think I've written since I wrote 'Rescue'. My first attempt at fan fiction. It was a scary thing, that fic. The idea that Harry would be embarrassed because he thought Remus thought he was a wuss sounded so much better in foresight. Then I tried writing it… Needless to say it sucked! Anyway, so Sirius knows now. 

That chapter when through fifteen revisions; maybe more. At first, when Harry ran away, Sirius didn't go after him, then Sirius went after him and Harry actually told him that he was mad because Sirius cut himself off before telling Harry he loved him. Then I tried the scenario I wrote in this chapter, but I didn't know how Harry would respond, so I tried the 'insulting back' thing, which led to more problems, which I realized I couldn't fix in a chapter, or at all. Plus, it involves more cursing, which is something I don't want. 

Anyway, the chapter was grating my nerves, plus the fifth book comes out on Friday, which reminds me- Happy birthday in advance to SarahPeach, who mentioned that her birthday was coming out on the day the fifth book did! This chapter was dedicated to her. (Ignore the fact that it was a crappy chapter) Does it scare anybody else that the series is more than halfway done? I have this fear that when I'm done reading the seventh book I'm going to cry for like a month. I know that I'm going to cry! It's inevitable! 

For those of you who I've bored to death, I'm sorry. It's just; I don't know what will happen to 'Loss' after the fifth book comes out. I plan to continue it as an AU, or just as a 'written before the fifth book' fic. 

Notes to the reviewers:

A.Dee: We've gone over this already, haven't we? Harry's acting dumb because he's under stress. Anyway, Ron's situation should be explained in the next chapter, though I'm not sure when- or if- that will happen. 

OOo-Sirius-oOo- Thank you

The Wolf of Were- thanks for your review.

Kateydidnt- Thanks for reviewing my story. I've read your story, Harry Potter and his Dreams, and I think it's awesome!

Emilie-  Thank you for the review. I happy you like the angst. (At least someone does)

End notes (You don't have to read them): Okay, I promise myself that I was going to solve the mystery in the fifth book. There are so many clues, and I'm going to figure them out! I promised! I'm going to have to save the book until my trip to San Francisco on the thirtieth because I'm not going to do nothing on a plane for six hours! Heck no! I'll bring along the book I've written, 'The unofficial guide to Harry Potter clues: Unpublished version. So I'll go explore 'The Rock' with my nose in a book. By the way, is it just me, or was J.K. Rowling playing off of Alcatraz when she made Azkaban? You have to see some parallels; prison on an island, cold, Names begin with an A. I almost had a conniption when I figured that one out!


	10. A Visit and a Breakdown

                                                                                   **Loss**

                                                                                By Hpfan

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Chapter X- A Visit and A Breakdown

Harry could feel his bed shaking. It was an odd experience. He felt like someone was jumping on his bed. He knew there was a presence of someone on his bed, but he knew if it was Sirius, then he would have to get up. He grabbed the covers and made sure that if someone made an attempt at pulling the covers off, he wouldn't let them. 

The object settled with a plop on top of his legs, but he knew if he tried to push the dog off him, Padfoot would know he was up, and therefore make him get out of bed. He settled for rolling over on his side, and settling down into the pillows. 

He woke almost an hour later to find that Sirius had not moved, but he didn't want to check if he was asleep or not. He felt the dog get up as he moved though, and he sighed with relief as he left the bed. Suddenly, in his preoccupied state, Sirius ripped the covers off the bed. 

"Time to get up Harry." Sirius said in an annoyingly cheerful voice, with a huge smile that Harry wanted to slap off his face. 

"Too early." Was all he said, noticing that the clock read 7:00. He turned over on his side, and buried his head in the pillow. 

"No, it's not too early, it's never too early in the morning for guests." He said. "I tried waking you up earlier. I was jumping on your bed for a good five minutes. You didn't even respond."

"That was you? I thought I was just possessed or something." Sirius snorted. 

"Didn't you hear me? Guests." He had Harry's attention. 

"Who's coming?" he asked, yawning, as he got out of bed. 

"Well, I was talking to the Weasleys…"

"Oh, so they're not afraid of you anymore?" 

Sirius glared. "Well, we were talking about the situation at their house what with Ron being… And Hermione is still there." Harry suddenly felt guilty. In the time he had spent thinking about Ron, he hadn't even considered how Hermione or the Weasleys were taking the situation. "Well, you know, since Ron isn't there, Hermione really doesn't have anything to do or anyone to hang out with. And while you aren't really taking it any better then the Weasleys are, it would probably be best if Hermione came over here so that you can help each other get your minds off of Ron."

"Great idea Sirius." Harry said. "So she's coming over today?" he asked. 

"In about," he looked at his watch. "Fifteen minutes. That's why I needed to get you up." Harry grabbed the clothes out of his drawer. Before he headed to the shower, he stopped for a moment, and looked at Sirius.

"Do me a favor. When Hermione comes…" 

"Don't mention anything about…" Sirius knew what he meant. Harry nodded, and gave Sirius a thankful smile, and went to go take his shower. 

Harry got out ten minutes later, wrapped a towel around his waist, and squirted the 'Industrial strength Hair Gel for Men' into his hands, running them through his hair. He held his hair down for two minutes, waiting for it to dry. He lifted them up tautly, and when his hair didn't spring back up, he sighed in relief. He looked at the back of the bottle, thinking, 'damn, what's in this stuff?'

Under the ingredients it listed, 'Don't ask, don't tell.' Harry gulped, looking at it nervously, hoping his hair didn't fall out. He put his clothes on, and walked down the stairs to the kitchen, to put breakfast on. He didn't know whether to cook for two or three, because he didn't know if Hermione had already eaten. He decided to wait until Hermione arrived before he started the meal.

When Hermione stepped through the fireplace a few moments later, Harry surprised Hermione, and even himself, when he gave her a tight hug. "Hermione, hi. I'm really sorry that I haven't owled you lately… I was so preoccupied with Ron being… that I didn't even think about how you and the Weasleys must be taking it."

Hermione was startled when he hugged her, but she soon hugged back- tight. Harry could barely breath. Hermione started talking a mile a minute. "Harry, I felt so bad when Ron left that I didn't even realize you hadn't owled. I felt guilty because I didn't write you or say anything and I know you must be taking the news really hard, but the Weasleys and me were still depressed over the situation, and we didn't really have time to think about anything else. I'm happy to be over here. As bad as it sounds it's really depressing at Ron's house, and I was feeling kind of out of place because I didn't have Ron to talk to or anything, so I was talking to Ginny…"

Harry interrupted her. "Hermione, calm down, you'll be here for the rest of the summer; I'm sure that we can squeeze in the conversation." 

Hermione looked sheepish, but Harry changed the subject. "Do you want breakfast?"

Hermione smiled and said, "Sure." 

_____

The day didn't seem to drag as much with Hermione there; she opened a lot more options of things they could do, weather it be Harry, Sirius, and Hermione, or just Harry and Hermione. Though having to look after Hermione may have been the shortcoming, Harry was sure that Sirius would probably like a break from playing gobstones and exploding snap for a while.

 That also made Harry wonder about the school year to come. What was Sirius going to do while he was away at school? He would probably get a job doing something or other, but Harry couldn't help but feel guilty about leaving Sirius alone in a deserted house. 

Conversely, even after everything Sirius had said contradicting this theory, Harry still wondered whether Sirius would rather be enjoying time with his girlfriend, and living a more carefree life were he didn't have the responsibility of taking care of a kid. It definitely seemed the more logical choice. 

Sirius superficially didn't seem the parental type, though Harry didn't really know much about how the conventional family worked, having never really been a part of one. The Dursley's had never really considered him their relatives, and Harry had only observed the Weasleys at a distance. 

Harry couldn't really compare he and Sirius to a typical family unit, as they were far from one. He could only guess that by the warm feeling he got in his stomach, and the nameless emotion he had felt the previous night when Sirius had looked at him with pride in his eyes, saying that he loved him for who he was, that was what it was like for everyone else with family's like the Weasleys, though they took it for granted. That was how it felt being loved. 

It was odd now though. He always wondered how it would be, and now he wondered if he would take it for granted. He hoped he never would. He had suffered so much despondency throughout all his life, that just when he was finally settling down and finding love and happiness, it seemed like he would be jinxing it to ignore the risk that it could end at any moment. 

That night, he returned to Ron's cell.

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_Harry walked 'through' the door to see that Ron was staring at the wall on his makeshift bed with unseeing eyes. _

_"Ron? Are you okay?" he asked, waving his hand In front of Ron's glassy vision. He turned his head slowly to look as Harry sat down next to him. "Ron?"_

_Ron gave him a blank stare, as if he saw him, but didn't acknowledge his presence. "I want it all to end, Harry." He said, pulling his head down as tears formed in the back of his eyes. "I wish he would just kill me and get it over with. I'm sick of the pain."_

_Harry looked at him with utmost shock. He had realized that his friend had given up hope, but hadn't known that he was so far gone. Harry gave him a one armed hug, trying to comfort him. "Ron, I know you must be feeling really terrible right now, and above all, bored to tears, but I also know that you don't really want it to end. _

_Ron turned to him sharply, and gave him a glare. "And how would you know how I'm feeling? You've never been in this situation before. I'm trapped in a cell with barely any food 24/7, and I'm tortured daily. You have no idea what I'm going through."_

_"Ron, I _know_ what you're going through. Maybe not to the same extent, but I know what it's like to be locked up with no food, and I know what it feels like to be tortured. The Dursleys locked me in a cupboard for ten years with barely any food as well. I lived in a cell for ten years!_

_"Harry, don't try to compare your life to mine right now. I know you went through a lot, but I'm not used to things like this. You grew up in those conditions, this is the first time anything like this has ever happened to me."_

_"Ron, will you please stop having a pity party for yourself?" Harry knew he was being harsh, but he also knew that gently telling Ron that it could be worse would only make him feel like Harry had no clue what it was like to live like this. "Think about how your parents are feeling right now! I know for a fact that they are probably sitting in bed crying that you're here right now, and if they knew that you are ready to give up, then they would feel like giving up too. You mean loads to a lot of people right now. Think about how your parents would feel." _

_Harry looked at Ron in the face. He looked like he was going to hit him in the face, but Harry didn't pull away. If hitting him was what it took to get Ron to feel better then so be it. It surprised him greatly when Ron broke out in tears right then and there. Ron didn't bother to wipe the tears away, or burry his head in his hands, he just openly cried. _

_Harry reacted instinctively- one he wouldn't have had a month ago- and pulled Ron into a hug. Ron didn't seem to respond to it for a few minutes but soon he was crying into Harry's shoulder. "I want to leave. Please! I don't want to be here. I hate this place! I want to go home. I want to see my parents. I miss Fred, and George, and Ginny, and Hermione. I want my mum and dad. Please. Let me leave!" he sobbed, tears flowing freely into Harry's shoulder.  _

_Harry didn't know how he could respond to that. He knew that Ron was feeling home sick, scared and lonely, and wounded. "It's alright Ron. You'll be going home soon. You'll be seeing your friends and family in a couple of days. I promise you, you'll leave this place. You just have to put up with it for a few more days, Ron. Just a few more." he said in what he hoped to be a soothing voice. "Only a little while longer."_

_Ron continued to cry for ten more minutes, not even trying to contain himself, and Harry didn't try to either, knowing Ron would probably hyperventilate. Finally Ron calmed down. _

_Shame shined on his already red face, and Harry knew Ron was probably really uncomfortable. "Ron, it's alright. You have nothing to be embarrassed about. Don't worry. I would have done the same thing a long time ago if it had been me." He wrapped an arm around Ron shoulder and patted his shoulder. _

_After a few minutes of silence, the door opened, and the masked figure stood there, ready to commence with Ron's daily torture. Harry normally would have edged away, not wanting to witness it, but that night, he stayed where he was. _

_The man yelled, "Are you ready to tell yet?" Harry, for a brief moment, wondered if Ron was finally going to break.  Instead, he shook his head._

_The man yelled, "Crucio!" at the top of his lungs, and Ron screamed with pain in his hoarse voice. Harry, who had still been holding onto him, felt a lighter version of the spell, which caused him to whimper with pain. _

_"Don't break Ron. Just don't tell him anything. If you tell him what he wants to know, he'll just kill you!" yelled Harry over Ron's screams. Ron just gave him an exhausted futile look and nodded._

_After fifteen minutes, the man left, muttering about stubborn kids. Ron broke down again, and cried onto Harry shoulder for another twenty minutes, and finally settled down before Harry had to leave. _

_____

Harry woke up that night feeling utterly exhausted, yet completely unready to go back to sleep. He got out of bed, trying not to wake anyone up, because he wanted to be alone. He looked toward the door to the bathroom as he walked silently through the dark deserted hallway, and shook his head heavily. He wouldn't resort to that. He walked down the stairs wincing as each one creaked underneath his bare feet, and when he finally made it to the living room, he collapsed on the sofa. 

Harry sighed and buried his face in the leather pillow closest to him. He felt emotionally drained; like it had been he who had cried onto Ron's shoulder. He wanted to go back to sleep. In normal people, sleep was like another world where one could go to get away from life. Harry's roles had reversed. He didn't find any comfort in his sleep at all. Quite the opposite; he needed comfort from dealing with his dreams. 

Harry couldn't help feeling guilty though. He was Ron's only source of hope, or escape from the pain of Voldemort. Harry hadn't even a fraction of how Ron was feeling, and only had to deal with it an hour each night; Ron had to deal with it all the time. 

Harry shook his head, trying to repel those feelings. He had already gone over this with Sirius. He couldn't keep measuring how bad a time his friend was having compared to his life at the moment. There were thousands of people in third-world countries that were going through the same thing as Ron was, and he couldn't be responsible for everyone's problems. To take those problems onto himself would be suicidal. 

 He heard soft padded footsteps on the stairs, and knew without looking it was Sirius. They didn't exchange pleasantries, as they never did. Sirius sat down next to him and politely waited for him to tell him the night's events.

"He wanted to give up. He was sick of the pain. He told me that he wanted Voldemort to kill him. After I told him about how bad his family was feeling he… he just started crying. I didn't know what to do."

Sirius looked at him with concern. 

"I let him cry for a while, and he kept saying that he wanted to go home and that he missed his mum and dad, and his brothers and Ginny and Hermione. I didn't know what to tell him. I just kept saying that someone would come and rescue him soon… But I keep having to tell myself that I wasn't lying to him." 

Sirius merely gave him a reassuring look. "I guarantee everyone is doing whatever they can. I know it's hard to believe because it can't seem like Ron would be of highest of priorities, but he really is."

Harry wanted to smile and feel at ease, but the words had long lost their meaning after being said for the fiftieth time. "Why?"

"Why what?"

"Why is Ron such a high priority?"

Sirius sighed deeply. " I suppose, to be blunt, it's because he's your best friend. And it may be a little bit hard to believe but for certain reasons; Dumbledore really can't afford to lose your best friend. Mostly because it would affect you horribly. It must seem kind of overwhelming, and you probably feel kind of like Ron wouldn't matter much had he not been your best friend, but it's the hard truth.

"But, I mean, that's not the only reason. Ron is pretty important. He has done a lot of significant things. He helped you achieve a lot in Hogwarts. Plus he comes from a very well-known family, and anyone with the surname Weasley is going to be important." 

It made Harry slightly sick that Ron was higher on a list of people to save because of who he was. Harry knew that if he was the one captured, it would mean that every auror and his brother would be out trying to save him, but that still seemed kind of sickening that people without good backgrounds were lower priorities no matter what kind of person they were.

"Harry, it's not the best intentions, but sometimes you just have to take what's given to you." Harry nodded. 

"I guess it's only fair. It is my fault that he's been captured so if the fact that I'm Harry Potter gets Ron out then I guess everything's okay."

Sirius gave him an exasperated look. "Harry" Sirius voice was raised, and though Harry knew he had invoked it, he still dropped his vision, not meeting Sirius's eyes. "How many times do I have to tell you it wasn't your fault? Do you want me to follow you around saying 'It's not your fault' until it somehow sinks through that thick skull of yours? I swear; they're going to name a syndrome after you. Harry Potter syndrome: Taking responsibility for things that aren't your fault." 

Harry snorted at that thought. Sirius suddenly got up and came back a minute later with a pad of paper and a pen. 

"I want you to write 'It is not my fault' three hundred times on this paper, and I want you to really believe it too." Harry raised his eyebrows at him. "I'm not kidding." He shoved the pad of paper in Harry's chest. 

"Sirius, nothing you do or say is going to change it! I know it's easier to believe that it's not my fault. But I'm facing the facts Sirius. Ron is only being held there because Voldemort wants to know where I- we live."

"You know, you're absolutely right. It is our fault."

"Wh- what? Wait, what do you mean our fault? It's my fault." 

"Well, Voldemort wants to know where we live, so it's just as much my fault as it is yours. You don't know that he's after you. He could be after me."

"Sirius, come on. We both know that Voldemort has wanted me since I was a baby."

"Well, he wants me too. I'm high up on his hit list too you know." 

"Sirius, you're being ridiculous!"

 "Harry, the way I see it, you are the one who is being ridiculous. You can't keep playing the blame game, okay? It's not your fault. It's voldemort's fault! If you have any resentment, aim it toward him, not at yourself. That's the reason why you cut yourself, Har, it's because you constantly reproach yourself for everything, and you find some sort of way to blame yourself for everything." 

Harry looked down at his knees, the universal sign that he knew that Sirius was right. That didn't seem to be enough for Sirius though. He lifted Harry's face up on his fingertips.

"I want to hear you say it." He said firmly. 

Harry looked at him defiantly, like he wouldn't admit it, but after a somber look from Sirius, he sighed. "Alright, it's not my fault." Harry said in a small voice. 

"Good. Now I want you to believe it." Sirius said with his lips twitching.

"Aw! Do I have to?" Harry said in a mocking voice. 

"Yeah, you do. Or else we're going to have to have this conversation every night this week, and trust me, by the end of the week you're going to be too scared to blame yourself."

After a nervous wide-eyed look from Harry that he knew was fake, he smiled and pulled him into a hug. 

Harry smiled into Sirius's pajama top. He felt the urge to say something to him, but he couldn't think of what would be appropriate. "You're a good godfather Sirius." He settled on.

End Chapter X- A Visit and a Breakdown

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End Notes: Well, I went, I bought, and I conquered. And all in less then a couple of days. It was an 800-page book, and I was saving it for my trip to San Francisco. Bad idea. And by the way, if you haven't read the fifth book yet, I'm not going to be gracious and not spoil it for you because if you're not done the book, you shouldn't be here, you should be reading the book. I went on the plane with almost ten chapters left, and I was hysterically crying at the end when Sirius died. I knew of course. I'm not a hypocrite, I made the same mistake. I didn't have my book when I was staying with my relatives. I went on the Internet and it only took me five minutes to find out who died. I had a nervous breakdown and went into denial. 

Gods, why J.K? WHY!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!? 

You have never met a fan that didn't like Sirius! I'm sure you haven't! I can't believe I'm saying this but I really wish it had been Ron or Hermione, or Hagrid, or Ginny. *Sighs* Oh well. I guess I'm just going to have to deal with it. WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!

My story's now AU. WBFB. Written Before Fifth Book. I would give up fan fiction altogether, but really. *Snorts* I've put sooo much time into it, and you know… I guess I'll just pray that everyone keeps writing their fics as AU's. 

Anyway, lets get down to business. How did you like that chapter? Huh? I'll tell you the honest truth (okay, this has never been proven, but bare with me here) Reviews give you good karma. Really. Just think about how good you feel when you check to see if someone has reviewed and you read. 'I just love this fic! Write more please.' Come on. You know it feels good, so if you write me a review, I'll try and take some time to read your story. Then you get a review too. :)

Responses to reviews:

Gwendellen Snape: Thank you for the review. I know just how you feel. I cried at the end of the fifth book, and that was after Sirius died. I didn't want it to ever end. Plus we have a few years until the next one comes out.

BlackLupin: Thanks. You know I keep getting that response; that I write good dialogs between Sirius and Harry. I didn't know how that would be responded to. It's nice to get good feedback from them.

A.Dee: *sighs* I know exactly what you mean. I went back and reread that chapter and I cried too. You know, I was listening to the radio the other day and 'Because you loved me' came on and I started crying hysterically because of that fic you wrote. *Sniffs and sticks out lip* Have no fear though. Sirius lives on through fanfiction. I just hope you keep writing as well. 

BabeyRachey: Thank you for that review. It really lifted my spirits.

Xfphile: Thank you. I'll look into those mistakes. Thanks for the constructive criticism. I really need to look at my spelling and grammar better.

Musiclover86: Thanks. It's all right. You can call it sweet. Personally I think it is sweet. I hope not sickeningly sweet though. Thank you for adding me to your favorites list. That always brightens my day to find I'm on someone's favorites list. I hope that doesn't make me seem conceited though. 

Emilie: Thanks. I'm glad you liked the dialog. I was a bit apprehensive about Sirius getting so angry, but I think it worked out good.

Nobody Important: I'm sorry it seems so messed up. I'm really trying to make it flow. I was trying to portray Sirius like that though. I wanted him to be like the all-knowing godfather that Harry can look to for advise. Kind of like Dumbledore, except Harry can relate to him and confide in him.

Next chapter: I haven't even started writing it yet. Sorry. It should be out sooner though. I'm sorry Hermione wasn't in this one much, but she will be in the next one. Next chapter, Harry meets Tonks. (Yes, from OotP) and she comes with interesting information, though any of that could change. It's only a rough idea. 

Shameless Plug: If you care, and it's alright if you don't, I have the first chapter of a little ficlet out right now called 'You Can't Tell Anyone'. I was reading a bunch of abuse stories and thinking to myself, the only reason I'm reading it is because I want to get to that bittersweet moment when he has an encounter with Sirius. So I thought, why not just write a fic about that. It would save time and goriness too. 


	11. A trip to Grimmauld Place

                                                                                   **Loss**

                                                                                By Hpfan

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Chapter XI- A trip to Grimmauld Place

Harry woke the next day to find that he had fallen asleep on the couch, with his head in Sirius's lap. Sirius had his head on a pillow on the arm of the couch. Harry felt Sirius's hand run through his hair. 

He raised his head and saw that it was midmorning. He grabbed a pillow and lay back down on the other side of the couch, still quite tired. He heard footsteps on the stairs and looked over the backside of the couch to see Hermione walking down the stairs in her pajamas. 

Harry yawned then greeted her with a "Hey."

"I didn't know you got up this early." She said, seemly surprised to see him, and also slightly embarrassed that she was in her pajamas. 

Harry smiled slightly. "I don't really have sleeping pattern." 

"Did you sleep on the couch all night?"

Harry wondered if Hermione knew about his visions with Ron. He decided that if she didn't she should know. "Do you know about my dreams?"

Hermione nodded. "The one's with Ron? Yeah."

"Well, usually I can't sleep afterwards so I came down here." Hermione nodded in acceptance. 

"Why's Sirius down here though?" 

"He just comes down to, you know, talk to me about them and stuff. He keeps me company when I can't sleep." 

Hermione had a concerned look on her face that Harry was coming to hate. "You know, Harry, if you want to talk about anything, like about Ron, or the Dursleys, or what happened last year…" Hermione seemed kind of uncomfortable. "I'm there for you, anytime." Harry smiled at her like he would take that into consideration. Harry couldn't even imagine telling Hermione that Ron had been crying the previous night. Not just because he knew that Ron would be mortified, but also just because he knew that if Hermione knew those things, it would only be harder on her. 

It wasn't that he didn't trust Hermione, but there were certain things he couldn't tell her. There were certain things he wouldn't tell Ron either. It was just easier to confide in Sirius, or not say anything to anyone. He knew that Hermione's intentions were good, and he knew that she would gladly listen to him if he wanted to talk. There were just a lot of things that Harry knew he couldn't tell her. 

Sirius stirred on the couch, and Harry realized how lightly Sirius slept. He himself was a light sleeper; he just didn't like to get up. "Why are you two up so early?" Sirius asked. Harry and Hermione shrugged in answer.

It was too early to eat, so Harry, Hermione, and Sirius all watched TV for a while. Just as Harry was getting up to start breakfast, the fire (Which had a charm on it so that it didn't give off any heat) turned a green color and someone tripped, and fell out of it. Harry, being closest, ran forward to help them up. 

There, on the ground, lay a very peculiar looking witch. She had yellow and pink spiked hair and her eyes were different colors and they matched her hair. He held out his hand to help her up, and when she was done dusting off her robes, she looked at him and her eyes grew wide and excited. "Harry Potter? Wow, it's nice to meet you." 

Harry, who had been rendered speechless by her entrance into their house, but mostly by her appearance, had his mouth hanging open, and replied with, "Uh. Yeah." Sirius appeared by his side, and held out his hand. 

"Dora. It's nice to see you again." Sirius said in a happy voice.

'Dora', or whoever she was, frowned and said, "Will you _please _stop calling me Dora, Sirius? _My name _is Tonks, Harry. Pleased to meet you." She said holding out her hand for Harry to shake. 

Harry took her hand. By the way she was acting toward Sirius, he took an immediate liking to her. "Hello."

Hermione came over too. "Hi. I'm Hermione Granger." She said smiling. 

"Tonks." 

"Harry, Hermione, this is my second cousin."

"Yeah, I definitely see the resemblance." Harry said joking. When he looked back, his eyes bugged out of his head as he saw that Sirius's head was sitting on her shoulders. 

When the one that had originally been Tonks talked, she still had her own voice. She looked at the real Sirius who was merely snickering, and said, "Really. I don't see it." She scrunched up their brow and turned back into her regular self. 

      Sirius explained, "She's a metamophmagus. She can change her appearance at will." 

      "Wow! That's amazing! I've read about people that can do that. They're really rare, and you can't learn how to become one or anything. It must be really cool." Hermione started talking about it nonstop until Harry interrupted her.

      "Hermione, how about we go into the kitchen and you can help me set the table. Would you like to stay for breakfast Tonks?" 

      "Oh, sure. Can I help you?" 

      "Yeah, su-" he looked up at Sirius, who was standing behind Tonks waving his arms frantically, mouthing 'no' But it was too late.

      It turned out that Tonks was a lot more trouble then she was help. She dropped a glass in the scrambled eggs, so Harry had to start making them all over again. She accidentally spilt orange juice on the finished pancakes, and before Harry could even tell her to she retreated to sitting at the table, realizing that she was being a nuisance. 

      Twenty minutes later, they were eating a nice breakfast. "So, Dora." Sirius started, and Harry wondered whether Sirius was just doing that to annoy her. "What brings you here?" he asked taking a bite of pancakes.

      Tonks replied like she hadn't heard him call her that. "Well, you know, I just wanted to see how you where doing. You know, you didn't need to go and get this house. You and Harry could have just moved into your parents old house." 

      Harry met Sirius's gaze with a confused stare. 

      "I don't think that I want Harry having to live in that old place. It's okay for a headquarters, but I'd much rather live here. Really, look at it in comparison. That house hasn't been lived in for years, and it's full of creatures and dark stuff that could really be dangerous."

      "Yeah. Plus all of the bad memory's of growing up there right?" Tonks didn't seem like she had deliberately said it, but Sirius fixed a glare at her. 

      "I- I only meant that you probably wouldn't want to live there because you…"

      "Don't even try to understand everything I went through in that house, Nymphadora! Okay? You had decent parents. You don't know." 

      Harry pretended to suddenly become interested in his toast. 

      "I'm sorry, Sirius. I honestly didn't mean anything by it. I know you had a bad childhood." Sirius still frowned.

      "What do you want to do with your house elf, Kreacher?"

      "_My _house elf? He won't listen to me, why is he mine? Just let him roam around the house muttering stuff under his breath. He's done it since my parents died." 

      Hermione looked scandalized. "You mean you're house elf really had to stay in your house for the whole time you were in prison? All alone?" Harry almost felt bad for it himself.

      "Hermione, you don't know Kreacher. That thing is a sinister, disturbed, mental, fiend that wants nothing more to be stuffed and nailed to a wall. I know you've taken a liking to house elves, but this thing's not a house elf, it's a-a troll!"

      Hermione looked like she wanted to argue but was holding her tongue.  

      "But, anyway, you'll have to stop by and pick up all your stuff." Tonks didn't seem to want to meet Sirius's eyes, because she kept putting more and more butter on her toast. 

      "Throw it out. I don't want it." Sirius said in a would-be nonchalant way, but his shaking hands gave him away. 

      Harry was slightly alarmed at Sirius's behavior. He seemed- Harry could think of no other comparison- to be acting like himself when someone had mentioned the Dursley's. 

      "Oh, come on Sirius. Stepping in the house isn't going kill you!"  Harry and Hermione had abandoned their meal. One look at Sirius sent hands infront of her mouth, like she wished she hadn't said anything.

      Although Sirius was dressed and groomed a lot better, the gleam in his eyes made him look like he _was _capable of the murder he had been sentenced for. "Okay. Fine. I'll go back to that bloody house, and I'll get my things. I will not, however, come back. I'll go for mandatory Order of the Phoenix meetings, but otherwise, I'm not setting another foot in that house!" Sirius looked like it was taking every fiber of his being for him to restrain himself. His voice was constricted, his teeth were clenched, and he looked like he was slightly shaking.

      Tonks didn't look satisfied, but she looked scared, and she didn't say another word. She took one more bite of her eggs, and put her fork down. "It was good to meet you two. Goodbye Sirius." And with that, she walked to the fireplace and left. 

      Harry and Hermione put their forks down simultaneously, and Sirius's had his eyes on the fireplace. Harry stood up to collect the plates and do the dishes, but when he went to pick up Sirius's plate, Sirius grabbed his wrist and said, "I'm not done." without his eyes leaving the hearth. Harry was so startled that his, Tonks, and Hermione's plates crashed to the floor.

      Sirius finally turned around to find the source of the sound, and when he realized that he had Harry's had in a death grip, he let go. He looked up at Harry, who was looking startled and apologized to him. "Oh, Har, I'm really sorry." He got down to help Harry pick up the pieces of the plates. Sirius repaired them with magic, and went about washing them. Sirius offered to do it, but Harry refused, and told him to eat until he was full. 

      After breakfast, Sirius seemed eager to make it up to Harry, and challenged him to a game of Quidditch, to Hermione's great annoyance. Harry beat Sirius by a long shot, but Harry wondered if Sirius had let him win. 

      They played chess tournament style, which Harry lost as always. He was happy to find that Hermione was a worse chess player then he was though. 

      When they were done, Sirius sat down on the couch. "Harry, Hermione, sit down." He told them. Hermione sat on the arm chair, and Harry sat next to him on the couch. "I want to explain." Harry had been expecting this.

      "Oh, that's alright Sirius, I already know about the order." Harry looked shocked. 

      "You do?" Sirius looked surprised as well. "Well, anyway Harry, the Order is an elite group of people who are there to fight the dark arts. I'm in it, as were your parents, Tonks, Remus and Moody. Ron's parents and son's old enough to join are too. And no, before you ask, you're too young to join." Harry had only opened his mouth, but shut it quickly. Sirius smirked. 

      "So, er." Harry didn't want to bring up a sore subject for Sirius, but he wanted to know about his childhood house. 

      "The headquarters is in my parents old house. They left it to me when they died, but I don't have any use for it." 

      Harry just nodded in acceptance. "We're going today." Harry hadn't expected to be invited to go. "I think it would be best if you met all of the people in the order. I'm just getting myself and getting out though. I hate that house. And whatever you do, don't make any noise when you walk past the painting near the entrance." 

      This was short notice for Harry, but he and Hermione followed him toward the fireplace. "It's number twelve Grimmauld Place." He said, before disappearing into the fire. Harry followed his lead, and closed his eyes sharply as thousands of fireplaces raced past his eyes. 

      He staggered out of the fireplace, into a gloomy kitchen. He looked around, and noticed Sirius was inspecting the place as well. The painted walls were faded, and chipped. The old fashioned kitchen was worn and ugly, and there were many scary and slightly alarming things on the walls. 

      He followed Sirius into the dining room and found that Ron's parents and Remus were sitting in the dinning room eating breakfast. Remus looked up at them and nodded in acknowledgment. 

      Mr. and Mrs. Weasley looked horrible. Mrs. Weasley had puffy eyes, and disheveled hair. Mr. Weasley's clothes were wrinkled and he looked like he hadn't shaved in a week. When Mrs. Weasley spotted him, she sprouted a weak smile, and hugged him tightly. Harry's first thought was to feel guilty because it was his fault that Ron was in a cell, but he soon discarded that thought. "It's not my fault!" he told himself firmly. 

      Mr. Weasley came forward half-heartedly, and shook his hand. "It's nice to see you Harry." He said in a scratchy voice. 

      "Harry dear, how are you?" She asked in an equally broken voice. It just about broke Harry's heart to see his best friends parents in such a way. He smiled sadly at them.

      "I'm okay Mrs. Weasley." 

      "Hello again, Hermione." she smiled at Hermione who Harry knew was standing behind him. 

      She gestured to the table at which he and Hermione sat down. "Harry. How's Ron?" Harry's forced smile faded, and he looked down at the table.

      "He's… As good as can be expected." Hoping he sounded positive. 

      "And, how is he physically? Is he fed enough?" 

Harry bit his lip. He knew that Mrs. Weasley had the right to know how her son was doing, but he didn't have the heart to tell her that her son was tortured nightly, starving, and had almost admitted defeat. He looked up for Sirius's support, but he had disappeared. Harry prolonged the question as long as he could, but he noticed that everyone had leaned in, as if they wanted to hear better and Harry was feeling slightly claustrophobic. "He's… er." Even if Harry wanted to say it, there was no way to describe Ron's condition.

"So the order says that Ron should probably be rescued a little after school is in session. They're just waiting for a time when Voldemort has called a full meeting, and when all the guards have left the area, they're going to get him out." Remus said. Harry shot him a discrete look of gratitude, and noticed it when the Weasley's flinched harder than normal.  

"That's great news." Hermione said positively. And it was; but a week seemed to last a lifetime these days. Harry smiled optimistically, and the Weasleys seemed to brighten as well. 

"Where did Sirius go?" Harry asked, wanting to make sure that the conversation didn't relapse back to the subject of Ron.

"He probably just went to get his stuff. He probably wants to get his stuff and get out of here." Remus said. 

Harry didn't know if it was best to bring the subject of why Sirius hated this house so much up, but he had to ask.

Remus turned toward him and gave him a weird look. "I think it would be better if Sirius told you." Remus said to him. Harry felt disappointed, but he knew that Remus was probably right. If it weren't personal to Sirius, he probably would have told him. "How about you and Hermione have a look around, and I'll introduce you to some of the order members. 

Remus proceeded to introduce them to Kingsley Shacklebolt, Sturgis Podmore, Mundungus Fletcher, and Emmiline Vance, who were all roaming around, doing some sort of business for the order. Remus led them down to the kitchen for lunch. 

"Harry, why don't you go find Sirius?" said Mrs. Weasley, who was preparing lunch. Harry agreed. 

"He's probably in his room. It's on the first floor. Watch out for the painting." Remus told him. Harry was beginning to wonder what was so special about a painting, but as he passed the curtained wall on the first floor, he didn't let his curiosity get the best of him. 

The door to Sirius's room was ajar, and Harry saw that Sirius had a big bag of what ever it was that he was collecting. He had picked up a black plate and was inspecting it with a dark look on his face. Without warning, he tossed the plate across the room at the wall. The plate crashed into a million pieces, and Harry watched in shock as Sirius proceeded to throw five more plates across the room at the wall. 

Sirius yelled out, "I hate you! I hate you!" as he threw a lamp across the room as well. He knocked over an end table in his rage. "Why couldn't you just accept me? Why couldn't you love me? I was your son for god's sake! I was your bloody son!"

Sirius punched a hole in the wall. Harry was surprised to say the least. He was shocked as he watched his godfather collapse onot the bed sobbing. Harry didn't know what to do. He was sure that Sirius had made enough noise to draw the attention of the people around the house, and he was sure that Sirius probably wouldn't have wanted anybody to find him in this state. 

He stepped into the room, and shut the door behind him. He was relieved when Sirius didn't notice. He walked closer to him, and sunk down onto the bed next to him. Though he was still a head shorter then his godfather, he was undaunted. He pulled him into an embrace. If Sirius noticed this, he didn't respond to it. Like Ron had the night before, Sirius merely wrapped him in it tighter, crying into his shoulder. "I hate you!" Sirius said again, though Harry knew he wasn't speaking to him. 

He drew from this that Sirius had possibly had a worse childhood then he had. Possibly even an abusive one. Harry was feeling uncomfortable wrapped in such a tight hug, but he didn't complain or fidget. He was close to moving, due to Sirius's weight, but managed to stay where he was, trying not to draw attention to himself. Sirius just cried harder into his shoulder. Harry rubbed his back in a comforting way.  "It's all right Sirius. It's okay. They're dead."

Once again, Sirius started to cry harder. It occurred to Harry that that was probably not the best thing to say. Harry knew from experience with the Dursley's death that the fact that they were dead meant that there was no other chance. Harry had spent his whole life waiting for the Dursleys to finally praise him, or to say something positive toward him. He didn't hate them; they hated him.

Sirius sniffled and he slowly stopped crying. Although he was glad to help, he knew that his godfather's reaction was gong to be awkwardness. He wasn't sure that Sirius knew who was hugging him. It might have been embarrassing for him to find that he had cryed in front of Harry. 

Sirius looked back at him with red puffy eyes, and bit his lip. "Harry?" he asked, in an unsurprised tone. 

"Yeah, it's me." He said. Sirius moved down to the side of the bed, and sat there with his knees to his chest as Harry often did. Harry joined him. "Are you alright?"

"I'm sorry." Sirius replied. "I- I'm sorry. I shouldn't have…" 

"It's all right." He said directly. "Don't worry about it." 

"It's not all right. I think you deserve an explanation." Sirius said miserably. 

"Sirius, you don't have to tell me what you don't want to, okay?" he said, patting his arm. 

"No Harry, I don't know how you will take it, but I think that after my outburst this morning and just now…" Sirius sniffled. "Harry, my parents hated me. They saw me as a disappointment, an outcast, and, they… when I would do something wrong… they use to… to beat me." Sirius ended in a broken voice. 

Harry was slightly chilled. What the Dursleys had done didn't seem a relative comparison anymore. As much as they mistreated him, they had never hit him before. He was also scared at the way Sirius was acting. Sirius, who had always been the strong immortal person who he could look up to, had shown a vulnerable side. Harry didn't know if that made him more human, or less stable. Did this mean that Sirius was really weak for letting his parents do that to him, or strong because he managed to go through that and come out able to go through eleven years of Azkaban and still be an awesome person. 

He looked at Sirius, who had his head down, looking at the rug. Harry knew this information probably should have affected him somehow, but he didn't feel any differently toward Sirius then before he knew it. He was still the same person. If anything, his respect for Sirius grew. He hugged Sirius again, not so much because of what he had been through, but in a gesture that reassured him that he was okay with it, and he didn't think it showed weakness. 

"I'm so sorry Sirius! I'm so sorry that you had to go through that. It wasn't your fault, you should feel bad about it." He felt Sirius nod into his shoulder.

Harry had just pulled out of the hug when a voice came from the door. "What is keeping you two? Dinner will be ready before you've eaten lunch!" It was Remus. 

"Lets go eat lunch." Said Harry. Sirius nodded, rubbing his eyes. 

"I'm just going to go to the bathroom real quick."

      After Harry and Sirius ate lunch, they got Sirius's things in the bag and went back to the Snidget Shack.

****

****

End Chapter XI- A trip to Grimmauld Place 

End notes: *Crickets can be heard coming from the readers* Well… Interesting chapter huh? *A lone tomato is thrown* what can I say after a chapter like that? You know, I swear to you right now that this story was a lot less like a soap opera when I was planning it. In fact, I actually had a dream about something like what happened with Sirius happening. [I'm trying not to give anything away for those who like to read the end notes first – by the way, they are called end notes for a reason.] I was reading parts of the book over and I thought about it. 

I keep my book handy while writing 'Loss', and I was reading about how Harry was reacting to something, and I looked at my story and noticed that J.K.'s Harry and my Harry are extremely different. So I said, screw the book, it's my fic and Harry'll cry if he wants to. *Goes off into her own world humming the evil song that likes to attach its self to peoples brains* same goes for all the other characters who have distorted themselves. 

Also: I figured out where people go when they enter the veil. My head. Yup. Siri has lodged himself in my brain and he wants to make a statement. 

Sirius: I'm not dead. I'm merely hanging out with Hpfan because J.K. doesn't want me anymore. *Blows raspberry at J.K.* So, I'm helping her out with the reviews for today.

There are way to many people I have borrowed Sirius from because he seems to be popular. (Hey, I could have gotten Snape! No body seems to want Snape doing their reviews)

Responses to the reviews: (Done by Sirius)

Megan: Heylo to you too. Well, you've gotten into a good fandom if you want entertainment if you don't mind being sucked in. Once you get past the fact that fanfiction is an addictive hobby that will require rehab to kick the habit, and will take up your life, you have a great pastime. Otherwise, I'd advise you to run in the opposite direction screaming bloody murder. Hpfan's happy to know that you like her series. Those of you who, like Hpfan, don't except that I'm dead have to stick together and join the happy blissful world of ignorance, because as long as you don't admit it to yourself that I'm dead, I don't have to be. Thanks for the review.

Tinkerfluff: Thank you for the review. Why does everyone want to know about my girlfriend though? I bet you don't write to J.K. every five minutes because she withholds information until the end of the book. That's what people are supposed to do when they're writing stories. You have to make them suspenseful so everyone keeps reading. Plus, Hpfan promised that she would put a muzzle on if I said anything. By the way; you were Hpfan's 50th reviewer! Congratulations. *Throws confetti* 

Jackey: Happy to be of help. I hope you got Hpfan's email with the chapter.  

Senshichan14: It almost brought Hpfan to tears when she wrote it. It was a dare. I dared her to write that part. No I'm not dead! I'm alive. I've just been exposed to the Internet, so now I'm a junky just like all the other fan fiction nuts. (No offence). That's my new residence. You can find me at I'm_Still_Alive@fakefictionalcharacters.com (AN: Please don't email)

SarahPeach: Oh, so you're back huh? Yeah, that was a boring chapter, but one that needed to fill in the gaps. Hpfan is going to adopt Angstyness into her own personal dictionary of words that should exist. No, she had no doubt that you were going to question her about my girlfriend. She and I made a bet. I lost five galleons. No need to feel like an idiot. Katie almost got dehydrated from crying so much. It was a sad death scene. I'm now at peace driving Katie up the wall. I feel bad for Remus. He lost his last friend didn't he? He'll be in the story more. He's just busy with the order I guess. Thanks for the review. 

A.Dee: Oh come on! You meant to make people cry didn't you? That's why you killed me isn't it? Oh, now I'm going to cry the next time I hear that song! Oh, you can't stop writing! You try going cold turkey, just try! I dare you. The web sites evil! I told Hpfan but she think I'm just crazy. I feel bad for Ron too, but he'll be back. I think that capturing Ron was a ploy to get him in the story more, bu- *Hpfan bops Sirius on the head* Oww! Hey that hurt! Oh well. Thanks for the review. 

Next chapter: Well, I'm pretty sure it's going to be the last one before the school year, but then again, I'm procrastinating like crazy with that because I'm not sure how I'm going to do that chapter. Say goodbye Sirius.

Sirius: Goodbye Sirius.

Be Serious!

Sirius: I am Sirius!


	12. Misunderstandings and Fishing

                                                                                    **Loss**

                                                                                 By Hpfan

****

Chapter XII- misunderstandings and fishing: part I

It wasn't as though Harry wanted to go back to Hogwarts, and it wasn't as though he wanted to stay at home, and that was the problem. If only there was a way Harry could pack Sirius up in his trunk and bring him along, Harry would be totally happy. But somewhere over the summer Harry had gotten a taste of normalcy. It was a weird notion; Harry Potter just didn't have a normal life. It didn't happen. It just didn't! He couldn't call his life normal. He was on too many peoples hit list to ever have a truly normal life, and he was too many peoples hero's to ever just be a regular kid walking down the street. But one thing had changed. He started liking summer again. Okay, not again, as he never liked summer, but still, it was nice. It wasn't the misery and doom that it had been. 

Summer now meant going back to a home that actually wanted him in it. It meant he didn't have to worry about homework, or tests, or – he shuddered to think of this one – potions. It meant lounging around the house and watching TV, which, to his utter horror because he wondered if he would turn into Dudley, he had come to enjoy. Amazingly enough, every magical TV had a station called 'The Wiz'. It was mostly news, but every once and a while they would show TV movies. 

While watching that station, he had found a show on documentaries on famous Wizards. After seeing previews for his own documentary, he stopped watching the channel and settled for muggle shows. 

The thing he was most looking forward to at Hogwarts was the return of Ron of course. It was going to be great to have Ron back. Just having his friends around him was the best part of Hogwarts. It was just that Hogwarts was always something of a safe-haven. He could go back to flying and his friends, and magic and being properly fed, but he had all those things now. All there really was to look forward to was constantly being with his friends, and that meant no Sirius. 

Harry just shrugged that off. He would write to Sirius every opportunity he got. Plus, there were other opportunity to look forward to. He had Quidditch again this year. Plus, he was a prefect (AN: He a prefect in my story.). He could always come home for Christmas for the first time ever. He would have a good time. It wasn't like he had a choice anyway. 

After their trip to Grimmauld Place, Sirius had been acting funny around him. He seemed very withdrawn, almost nervous. But Harry could see how he would act like this. He had just revealed a very crucial thing to him. Harry wondered if Sirius thought that he was going to act differently around him now that he knew about Sirius's childhood. Harry questioned whether he should be more mindful of what he said around Sirius, but he rejected that idea straight away. 

Harry even reprimanded himself for drawing attention to it. He knew that he shouldn't put too much thought into his actions. If he was overly cautious about what he said it would make Sirius feel awkward. "See? Stop doing that!" he scolded himself. 

Between Harry's constant attempts at making Sirius feel better by giving him discrete (Yet noticeable) smirks, and Sirius acting like a schizoid, Hermione was stuck in the middle, completely bewildered. 

That night, Harry went into Ron's cell ready to tell him that he was going to be rescued by the end of the week. To Harry's utter dismay, no matter what he said, he couldn't get Ron to say anything to him, or to even acknowledge him. He knew that Ron was still sane, because he kept adverting Harry's eyes, and when Harry got too close, he would move, or turn away. 

Harry had the idea that Ron was probably embarrassed about what had happened the previous night. He ended up making one-sided conversation the whole night, and couldn't even anger Ron into saying anything. 

    Right before he was about to leave he said, "Your mom says to tell you she loves you. Do you want me to give her a message." He heard a small choking sound, somewhere between a gasp, and a sob, but wouldn't get any response other then that. 

    He had gone downstairs, expecting Sirius to meet him, but he never showed up. As the hours ticked by as his restlessness grew, he tried making excuses for Sirius. "Maybe he didn't hear me come down" "Maybe he was really tired" "Maybe he heard me but still doesn't want to face me". He considered knocking on the door, but after battling with the idea for twenty minutes, he decided that if Sirius wasn't going to come down, he wasn't going to make him. 

    "Maybe I've come to expect too much. He doesn't have to come down every night. And he shouldn't have to. Just because I have insomnia doesn't mean he has to stay up with me. He needs to sleep too." Harry argued on Sirius's part. 

    When he finally did fall asleep, it was to horrible nightmares that Sirius didn't really care about him at all. He shoved all those fears aside. He knew that Sirius cared. He knew it. 

    At breakfast that day, Sirius seemed to fidget a lot less. Harry on the other hand didn't smile or try to cheer him up. He generally avoided Sirius's looks, and when Sirius asked him to pass him something, Harry would do so nonchalantly, or he would give Sirius hurt looks. Again, Hermione looked bewildered. 

    When Sirius challenged him to a game of Quidditch, Harry refused to the shock of Sirius and Hermione, but especially himself. 

    "What's wrong with you Harry?" Hermione asked him when Sirius had gone outside to fly by himself. 

    "Nothing." Harry said in a casual voice, reading a book. "I just wasn't in the mood to play. You know, I have to rewrite that potions homework." And Harry went into the study, shutting the door behind him. Hermione followed him though. 

    "What do you need help with? What was wrong with your first essay?" Hermione asked. 

    "I found a book all about how cutting up ingredients changed the quality of potions. I didn't know this before. I have to rewrite the whole thing." 

    "You can always copy mine, Harry. Go and play with Sirius." She said. Harry raised his eyebrows at her. Hermione? Letting him copy homework? Without being asked?

    "That's alright Hermione. I think it would be better if I did it myself." He said, procrastinating his talk with Sirius. 

    Hermione looked at him with mirrored shock. "Well, I must say that I'm impressed. You have finally gotten serious about your schoolwork. I just hope when Ron comes back, you can talk him into doing the same." And Hermione left him alone. 

    Dinner was quiet. Hermione was trying to make conversation between the two but neither wanted to talk. 

    His time with Ron was spent in silence. He didn't bother trying to make conversation, and Ron stared at him. Before the dream ended, Harry broke the silence.

    "Ron, can you please just say something so I know that you're not going mad?" he asked.

    Ron stared at him for almost a minute. "Tell my mum that I love her too." He said before looking away.

    The dream then ended. 

    Harry was then stuck. Should he go downstairs or should he just try and go back to bed? He knew that he wouldn't go back to sleep, but he didn't want to go down the stairs either. Harry climbed into the windowsill above his bed, and pulled a pillow in back of him laying with his knees pulled up. He didn't hear the door open.

    "Harry?" said a shape in the semi-darkness. It was Sirius's voice. 

    "Yeah?" he responded. 

    He moved to the bed, and climbed up into the ledge next to him. "I'm sorry."

    "For what?" Harry didn't know if Sirius had figured out what he had done wrong.

    "Uh, I'm not exactly sure. What ever it was that I did wrong." Sirius said.

    "Am I suppose to except your widespread apology? Really, did you really expect me to?" Harry asked, half joking, half coldly. 

    "No. Actually, I was hoping that you would just tell me what it was I did wrong." 

    Harry sighed. "I'm not mad at you, if that's what you think. I don't think you need to apologize either. I'm just making too much out of nothing." Harry said. After thinking it over the whole day, it seemed stupid. He should have just shrugged it off instead of pushing the whole thing farther, and giving Sirius the cold shoulder.

    "Will you just tell me what it is? It's probably just a misunderstanding.

    "I- you… You didn't come down last night. I, I don't know, I just…" Harry felt stupid saying it out loud. What had been the big deal anyway? "It's just, I wanted to talk to you, and you didn't show up." 

    There was a screaming silence, and Harry could nearly feel Sirius's astonishment. "I- Harry, I didn't… That wasn't because I didn't want to-" Sirius stumbled over his words. "Har, if you wanted to talk to me, you could have just knocked on the door. But you're right, I should have come down." Silence swept over the room as Harry felt sheepish, and he knew that Sirius felt the same way. 

    "So… I guess we're a bunch of idiots who jump to conclusions?" 

    "What do you mean we?" said Sirius good-naturedly. 

    Harry laughed. "Truce?" he offered.

    "Yeah, truce." He said. Harry smiled even though he knew Sirius couldn't see it. Sirius settled against the wall in the same position as him. 

    "So what was it you wanted to talk to me about last night?" Sirius asked, stretching out. 

    "Oh, that. My sex life." He said.

    "YOUR WHAT!?" Sirius exclaimed. "You- you want to talk about your- your…" Sirius said, falling off the ledge and onto the bed as Harry laughed hysterically. 

    "Nah, I just wanted to scare the hell out of you." Sirius put out his hand in a motion for him to help him up, and when Harry offered it, he pulled him onto it. 

    Sirius was breathing heavy. "This is the kind of thing that made me not want to have children in the first place! You almost gave me a heart attack!" 

    Harry sniggered as he sat up in the pillows. "Hey it could have been worse. I could have told you that I'm gay." He said.

    "Are you trying to give me a stroke as well?" Sirius asked with an exasperated voice. 

    "No, that's just an added benefit." He joked. 

    "What was it really?" Harry decided that with the humor still thick in the air, he wasn't ready to switch to such a depressing subject. 

    "Never mind." He said quietly. 

    "No, really. After everything that we went through, your going to tell me what it was. Or else." Sirius threatened in jest, putting an arm around Harry's throat, like he was going to give him a nuggie. 

    "Ron won't talk to me anymore." He said. 

    "Why not? Did you have a fight?" Sirius asked, releasing Harry.

    "No. I don't know why. I just came last night and he wouldn't speak at all. I think he's embarrassed because of crying the other night."

    Sirius just gave his shoulder a pat. "Well, you know, Ron's a proud person. He probably really doesn't want anyone to see him crying, especially not his best friend." Harry could definitely understand that.

    "I don't know what's worse. Having him talk about how miserable he is, or not talk at all." 

    Sirius just gave his shoulder a squeeze. "All I can say is wait for him to come around. You know he's dying to talk to you, but he's embarrassed. Just tell him there is nothing to be ashamed of, and wait for him to respond. 

     Harry nodded, still depressed. "He'll be back soon. It'll do him some good to be back at Hogwarts even if he is going to be acting strange. You know, if it weren't for you, Ron would probably be insane by now. You really helped him." 

    Harry looked down at his lap. Even if Sirius didn't want him to think that way, he still felt like it was his fault. 

    "Harry, Hermione has to go home tomorrow. Her parents are upset because they barely got to spend any time with her this summer. I can understand that." Sirius said. Harry hung his head lower. "But we're going a on a fishing trip." 

    Harry's head sprung up. "We're doing what?" Harry asked incredulously.

    "Fishing. You know, that sport where you go out and you tie string to a poll and put a hook on with a worm on the end and you try to lure fishes into eating it and-"

    "I know what it is, Sirius. I've seen bad daytime TV too. But why would we fish?" 

    "I don't know. Your father took me fishing once with his father, and it was fun. We'll have no idea what we're doing, but what the hell? What do you say?" Sirius asked him.

    "What the heck? It sounds like fun." Harry agreed, and then muttered as an afterthought, "I pray to God those aren't going to be famous last words." 

    "I'm sure it will be great." Sirius said. 

    "Quick! Knock on wood!" Harry said. He was joking of course. "So when are we going?" 

    "The day after tomorrow. We're leaving early." Sirius laid back down into the pillows. Harry lay back too. They sat in comfortable silence for fifteen minutes. Harry wondered whether Sirius was asleep, and was just getting out of bed, when Sirius asked him where he was going.

"Just down stairs. Want to go watch TV?" Sirius joined him. They watched 'I Love Lucy' reruns for hours before both drifted off to sleep.  

_____

    Saying goodbye to Hermione wasn't really hard, as Harry knew he was going to see her in just a week. AS for Harry, he was packing for the trip. 

    He got everything he thought he would need and put it on the bed.

    "Band-aids? Check. Gauze? Check. Disinfectant? Check." Harry had a bad feeling that one of them was going to end up hurt. "Snake-bite antidote? Check. Poison fish antidote? Check." 

    "What the heck is all this stuff? All we need is our brooms and the tent." Sirius said. 

    Harry snorted at him. "Yeah, and your wand, for when we don't catch anything and end up starving for the week."

    Sirius frowned. "Nope, beside our brooms, we're going to do it muggle-style. We're rumping it!" said Sirius in an enthusiastic voice. 

    Harry burst out laughing. "First of all, it's roughing it! And secondly, what about clothes? And what are you going to do when one of us breaks an ankle or something? What are we… I mean, what am I going to cook with?" Harry had taken Smokey the Bear's warning to heart and was not letting Sirius anywhere near the fire. 

    Sirius looked like Harry had ruined his fun. "You're such a spoil-sport! And for your information, there is a spell for that." 

    "I thought that we were doing it muggle-style though?"

    In the end, Harry won, and ended up having to put a charm on his backpack so that it was bottomless (Like the Mary Poppins bag) and weightless. Just like Sirius promised, they left the next day at five o'clock in the morning. 

They mounthed their brooms, and took off into the rising sun. Looking down from his broom, Harry noticed that they had gone past the waterfall, and were headed toward a big lake.  

    They landed on the edge of the lake and began searching for a clearing big enough for their campsite. 

    "We're putting the tent up by hand." Sirius told him. Harry nodded. 

    "How about I go collect some firewood while you work on that?" asked Harry, trying to get out of putting the tent up, though he knew he was the one who was going to have to do it in the end. 

    Sirius nodded, circling the equipment trying to decide how he was going to go about this. "Just stay close to the campsite." Harry agreed to it, and came back ten minutes later to find, to his amazement, that the tent was up, and Sirius was nailing a stake into the ground.

    Harry had to light the match, as Sirius, like Mr. Weasley, was completely hopeless. They found rocks to sit on, which were a lot more uncomfortable than the lounge chairs that Sirius could have conjured up. "It's only 6:30, can we just go back to sleep?" Harry asked. 

    "Sure. We won't have lunch, but you can sleep." Sirius said, using a branch to stroke the fire. "We are going to have to start fishing now if we're going to eat later on." 

    "Alright." Harry agreed with some annoyance. He was dead tired. He had spent the previous night trying to get Ron to talk to him. When Ron finally surrendered and agreed to it, it was time for him to leave. Harry had spent half the night watching TV. Sirius had nodded off after fifteen minutes, but Harry barely got any sleep. 

    "Now, how are we going to go about this?" 

    "Do you have an inflatable raft in that backpack?" Sirius asked. "Why am I asking? You've probably got Jimmy Hoffa's body in that bag." 

    Harry began digging around, trying to find it. When found the vibrant yellow raft, he tried blowing it up. He got three quarters of the way done when he noticed Sirius grinning maliciously at him. He clenched his fist angrily as Sirius held up the unnoticed pump. 

    "Revenge for the TV." Sirius said. Harry tore the pump out of Sirius's hand and almost whacked Sirius with it. This was war! He would get Sirius back for this. 

    "What do we do now?" Harry asked, though he had a good idea. 

    "We look for worms." Sirius said. And with that, they went on a hunt for worms. They looked under rocks and they dug holes. It took them a half-an-hour to find enough to fill the container. 

    Sirius went digging in the bag, and found the fishing rods. "Ready?" he asked, and they clambered into the raft, Harry paddled as they set out for the middle of the lake. 

    Harry tied the string to the hook, and put the bait on the end. He watched Sirius cast the lure, and tried to repeat his motion, his line falling a few feet short, so he reeled it in and tried again. 

    Harry leaned back against the edge of the boat. Sirius hung his head over one side, and his legs over the other. "What now?" 

    "We wait." Sirius said with his eyes closed. "We'll have to keep each other awake of course."

    Harry didn't catch the next thing he said. He felt a tugging at the fishing poll. "I think I've got something." Harry started reeling the line back in, while Sirius helped him hold the poll steady. "This feels big." He said.

    The fish emerged from the water, and Harry saw himself looking at a foot long trout. "Nice one Har." Sirius praised. He watched the thing flop hopelessly from the poll and Sirius helped him get it off and get the hook back.

    They stayed out there for another hour. By that time, they had caught seven fish. Sirius volunteered to row back to the campsite. By that time it was eight o'clock, and Harry just wanted to go back to sleep.  Harry dragged the raft back to shore, and Sirius got the fish. 

    "Do you know how to prepare the fish so that you can eat them?" 

    "I just though you were suppose to fry them up like that." Sid Harry naively. 

    "Eww! With the eyeballs in there and everything?" asked Sirius. "Nah, there is a way that your suppose to cut them up. I'll show you" Sirius proceeded to show Harry how to prepare the fish.

    "I hope you like trout, because it seems like that's all we're going to be eating for the next week." 

End Chapter XII- misunderstandings and fishing

End Notes: Sorry it was so short and ended so abruptly, but I had gotten carried away in the chapter and had reached five thousand words, and I try to make four thousand my limit, though I've been pretty bad at making it exact. So, sorry, I lied. The next chapter will probably have him back at Hogwarts. *Sigh* why is it that when ever you set a date for him to go back to school, you always get great ideas for what he could have done during the summer.  And it was all a fluffy mess, and everyone loves a fluffy mess of a story. But I achieved my goal. Harry and Sirius are comfortable around each other. 

I'm going to miss the summer. I really am! God, now it's gotten me all depressed! I'm going to have to go back to school. I wish I could go to Hogwarts; then I would want to go back to school. I think in every Harry/Sirius bond fic, everyone loves the summer best. I finished the last chapter of Loss. Almost cried too. It was a very nice chapter though! This fic will last until winter break. I've already made plans for a sequel though. The sequel will be… er, interesting; the complete opposite of this fic. 

I'm kind of preoccupied because I insisted that my mom sign me up for this creative writing course, and I have to take sculpture by default. Summer camp is one of those things that you try once, forget how much you despised it, and end up taking it again. Needless to say I'm not enjoying it, but it cost my mom 200 dollars, so I'm stuck taking it. 

So, I started a Yahoo! (I think for copy right purposes I have to include the !) Group. I don't know why… I'm very compulsive at times. It's called Sirius_Denial, and I will admit, I got the idea after reading Sarah Peach's new screen name, so, sorry. If you want me to, I'll change the name to avoid embezzlement charges. Anyway, It's a site for people, like me, (And by the reviews, I'd guess that everyone reading this fic is in some Sirius denial as well) who don't believe Sirius is dead. He's not dead! So this group is mostly for people writing in the land of AU Harry/Sirius bonding… Heck, anything to do with Sirius – Alive and well – is welcome to come and advertise their fiction, or point out anything that they have read that they liked or something. Also, It will serve as a way for me to tell you when I've updated Loss, if anyone cares.

Excuse the shameless plug. The group isn't much, nobody has joined so far but I assume that it's because nobody knows about it… or nobody cares.  : (

Sirius, want to do that reviews again?

Sirius: Don't you think that the reviewers deserve that personal touch of you responding to your own reviews?

Are you saying that I'm lazy?

Sirius: I didn't say that!

You implied it… and I think that the reviewers like you better.

Responses to reviews: 

Gold Silk: Poor Ron. Thanks for your concern. Ron will be out any time now, soon as Hpfan gets around to it. 

A.Dee: Thanks for the review, even if you had to rush it. You probably couldn't review again… Katie's had that problem before. Just say what you wanted to say about that chapter next time.

Cassie: 

Sirius: Katie wants to answer this one herself. 

Katie: Aww, I'm honored! You really want to use my quote in your story? That's soo cool! You're welcome to do it! Thank you for the kind review.

Senshichan14: Whoa! What a review. Cookies, hugs _and_ threats, all in one. Hi Senshican. How are you doing? Katie _is_ a big fan of fluffiness. Hope you liked that segment of Loss, cause it's gonna start getting bumpy.

OOo- Sirius –oOo: Thank you for the review. Katie loves your fics too. She really liked 'Come up to Meet You but Not Yet' That one was really good.

Megan: *Sirius starts to respond, but Katie yanks the keyboard out of his hands* Heck no! You're not doing this one!

Katie: Tell you what, when J.K. hands over the legal rights of Harry Potter to me, and gives me Cho Chang to do whatever I want to her, *Grins equally evil* then Sirius will dump his girlfriend and let you molest him! Though, well, you'll see what's going to happen…

Sirius: Love you too Katie!

Thanks for the review though. I like how you phrased that… dynamic, can act like a best friend or a father depending on Harry's needs. I might add that to my summery. Hmm. Thanks for the review.

Tinkerfluff: here, have all the confetti you want. *Sprinkles Tinkerfluff with tons of virtual confetti* I have too much of the junk, it's taking up Katie's hard drive – or what's left of it -. That's okay. You can ask about my Girlfriend… I can't guarantee I'll answer, but you can ask.

Midnight Kat: Interesting… how? Well, anyway, you can join the club… or hey, join the Yahoo! Group. See above for details.       

Next Chapter: (title subject to change) Loss and Find. I'm part of the way done, so it will be out sooner then this chapter. Hopefully… I'm almost positive that Harry will be going back to Hogwarts next chapter, but then again, this chapter kind of dragged, but, oh well. I'll try. 

See you next time. 

Sirius: Bye bye all. 


	13. Loss and Find

                                                                                    **Loss**

                     By BlackPotterGrl (Changed my pen name, as, it seems, many others did)

In my profile is a link to Sirius_Denial, which is a joint mailing list for people who want to be informed of Loss being updated, and it's also for those of you in Sirius denial. (Yes, thank you Sarahpeach for the idea for the name) It's a group for those of us who are trapped in the land of AU, who wish to forget that there ever was a fifth Harry Potter book while in the land of fanfiction. (I know, I can't talk as Loss has some references to OotP, but it's still AU) PPPPUUUUHHHHLLLLLEEEEAAAAASSSSEEEE Join?

**Chapter XIIV- Loss and Find**

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Sirius finally agreed to let Harry sleep if Harry would let him sleep later that day. He woke him up at eleven o'clock later that morning so he made lunch. He dug out some cooking tools and filleted the trout, deciding he was going to have to experiment the ways of cooking fish because trout was undoubtedly going to get boring fast. 

They both ate their meals in silence. After Sirius finished cleaning up, Harry asked, "Not to seem, er, ungrateful or anything, but besides fishing, what are we suppose to do?"  

"Well, we can go swimming, or flying. Or, we could combine the two." Sirius offered.

Harry gave him a look. "And how exactly do you hope to achieve that?" Harry asked.

"Change into your bathing suit, and I'll show you." Harry changed into his bathing suit, still anxious, as he had never really learned how to properly swim. He still felt a bit awkward with the scars on his arms contrasting heavily with his pasty complexion. He decided to keep a tee shirt just for his peace of mind. Sirius also kept a shirt on which didn't really bother Harry. He put on globs of sun tan lotion, knowing he would be burnt badly otherwise. 

"You just need to put up a containment charm over the surface of the lake." He muttered something and a shield-like structure surrounded the lake, and then disappeared. Sirius mounted his broom, flew upwards, then did a back flip, fell from the broom, and ended up diving into the water. Harry watched with amazement. Sirius's broom flew back toward Harry, and hovered above the ground, waiting to be mounted.

Sirius began swimming toward shore. "That was probably the most fun I have had since before Azkaban." Sirius said, shaking his head almost doggishly. Harry still stared with his mouth open. 

"How was water?" Harry asked, putting his ankle in the lake. 

"Cold, and fish filled, but otherwise it was fine." Sirius said. 

    Harry walked in up to his knees. The water was freezing cold. He dived into it and closed his eyes. He could barely float in the water, and ended up thrashing around, trying not to sink. Sirius swam out to help him. 

    "You know, it's no different then when you were in the lake at Hogwarts, except you don't have webbed feet. You just use your arms and legs to propel you across the water." 

    "You know, I think the reason I'm so bad at swimming is because of the bad experiences I've had with the pool. The only time the Dursley ever took me was when my baby-sitter/person-who-makes-sure-I-don't-blowup-the-house, Mrs. Figg, was sick. That encounter forever scarred me."

     "What could happen at a pool that is that bad?" Sirius asked skeptically. "Were you held under water for too long or something?" 

    "Obviously you have never seen my cousin before. If you had, you can imagine the horror of seeing him in a bathing suit." Harry shuddered.

    Sirius laughed. "What, you think it's funny? I had to live with the image! I still do. They had pictures all around the house of him at the beach. One right outside my cupboard, too. I think they put it there to wake me up in the morning."

    Sirius chuckled. Then his face changed into seriousness. "What do you mean, your cupboard?" he asked.

    "Uh, nothing." He said. He hadn't realized that Sirius didn't know that he slept in a cupboard, and he wasn't going to mention it now.

    Sirius gave Harry a stern look, and tightened the grasp he had on his arm. "Harry." 

    Harry looked at him. Sirius was too stubborn for his own good. "I meant my bedroom. It was where I slept." He said, trying to pull his arm from Sirius's grip, but Sirius wouldn't let go. 

    "They made you sleep in a cupboard?" he said in a threatening voice. 

    "Only until I was eleven." He said, wondering why he was standing up for the Durlseys. 

    "Eleven! Wait a minute. If they moved you into another room when you were eleven, that means that they had extra rooms in their house… and they made you sleep in a cupboard!" 

    "Sirius… I, they- please, you're hurting me." He said. Sirius looked down and released Harry's arm like he had been burned. 

    "I- Sorry." Sirius replied, and dropped the subject. 

    Harry tautly moved away, trying to hold his own in the water. After he got use to swimming around the lake, he told Sirius he was going to try to do that trick Sirius had done. 

    "Harry, you barely know how to swim. Maybe once you get better you can do it." Sirius told him.

    Harry looked disappointed, and splashed him. Sirius's eyes narrowed, and Harry knew he had gotten himself in deeper then he should. Sirius pushed a huge wave of water into Harry face. "Splash fight!" they both yelled simultaneously.  Soon they were circling each other, trying to catch the other off guard. 

    "Remember Sirius, I can't swim yet. I might drown." Sirius looked irritated by this fact, and splashed him anyway. They quickly got into an all out war, splashing, and holding each other under the water. 

    "Sirius, I think I swallowed a fish." Harry said as they made their way back up toward the tent. 

    Sirius snorted. "It couldn't be that big if you managed to swallow it. It was probably just a leaf or something."

    "No, it was definitely a fish. I could feel it moving all the way down." Harry said.

    "Consider it a snack." Sirius told him. Harry looked slightly green. "If you're that paranoid go purge yourself or something." 

    Both of them were sopping wet, and as it was still midday, Harry simply plopped down on the ground and let the sun dry him off. He lay there for roughly fifteen minutes, letting the sun beat down on his face. 

    The night came, and with it brought the feeling Harry always got before needing to go to sleep. He got into bed, and a thought crossed his mind. If he didn't fall asleep, would he miss the dream, or would he pass out or something? When he suggested it to Sirius, he replied, asking him whether or not he really didn't want to have the dream. 

    "Do you really want to try it? If you don't show up, what do you think will happen to Ron?" Sirius asked him. 

    Harry sighed. Wasn't Sirius the one who kept telling him that he shouldn't take the responsibility for what had happened to Ron onto himself? Could he really do it though? Abandon his friend in a dark empty cell, after being held captive for two weeks?  No. He wasn't even sure that it would work, so he didn't want to try it. 

    As Harry was getting undressed that night, he looked over, and noticed as Sirius was taking off his shirt that he had scars and marks all over his chest. Sirius observed him looking and got embarrassed and sheepish. He turned around to the bed to put his shirt on and Harry saw what looked like belt, and whip marks all over his back. Harry strangled back a gasp, and put his shirt on hastily, and scurried into bed. 

    Sirius didn't bother to tell him what they were. He knew. They were scars from the abuse. (AN: It kind of reminds me of that movie, Pay It Forward. That movie was so sad.) He looked up at the ceiling, wondering if his life would ever get less complicated.

______ 

    Ron had finally come around. He didn't talk much, and he looked sheepish, but Harry wondered whether it was because of his silence or if he was still embarrassed about crying. Harry told Ron that they would have him out of there by the time he went back to school, and Ron told him that he wished he could spend some time with his parents before he went back to Hogwarts. Harry assured him that his parents would probably come to see him, but Ron knew that he couldn't guarantee anything. 

    The most alarming thing about the dream was that when Voldemort came in to torture him, Ron didn't scream, didn't even yell out. It was slightly scary. Ron's face contorted with pain, but he didn't make any noise. Voldemort seemed to hold Ron under the curse for hours. Finally Ron broke and started crying in pain. Harry didn't know how to react now. He knew that Ron had been trying to prove that he was brave, and could handle the pain, and it would be another blow to his ego if Harry had to comfort him again. Voldemort left and Ron soon composed himself. 

    Harry walked over to help him up. "Only a couple more days, Ron. Hold in there." He said, putting a hand on his shoulder. 

________

    The week was enjoyable, spent longing around, and talking. Harry told Sirius about his previous experiences, and Sirius told Harry stories of his father. He mentioned things about Remus that Harry couldn't even imagine. 

As much as it pained Sirius to say it to Harry – Harry could tell that Sirius wished it wasn't so, if only for the sake of ranting – Peter wasn't the tag-along little pansy that Harry imagined him. He admitted dolefully that Peter had a few good qualities, like his skill on the quidditch pitch. 

"Sometimes I wondered when it started with him. I hate the little rat, but he wasn't always the bastard he turned into! I really considered him one of my best friends, and he just…" Sirius cut himself off. "I considered him my brother, and he betrayed me." It was somewhat peculiar, and yet, reassuring that Sirius was so open with him. Harry felt good to know that Sirius confided in him as much as he did Sirius. It was always a tiny bit unnerving, the idea of revealing a lot to a parental figure and not getting anything back. As stupid as Harry felt about it, he was always paranoid, telling people things that they might possibly use them against him. It made him feel like a jerk, but he felt better knowing that Sirius considered him… almost like a friend, as much as a son.

On the third day of the trip, Harry and Sirius where out on the lake fishing. "So, Harry… You're going back to Hogwarts soon, huh?" Sirius said. Harry wondered whether he should humor Sirius, or tease him.

"Well, it's not uncommon for a fifteen year old to go back to school after the summer has ended, is it?" Harry asked him, attaching a worm to the end of his hook.

"You know what I mean." Sirius apparently wanted to have a serious conversation. "I, er, I got a letter a couple of days ago, and I wanted to know what you thought of me teaching." Sirius said tensely. 

Harry turned his head abruptly. "You've been offered a job?" Harry asked.

Sirius looked anxious. "Yeah. I didn't want to take it or anything; you know, it might cause you to be uncomfortable with me being there." Sirius said, averting his eyes to stare at his line. "I mean I don't have to work. I have enough money in my account to get a mansion, a Ferrari, and support the Weasleys for the rest of our lives." He said nonchalantly.

"Sirius how is it that you can be so calm when you're so friggin rich?" Harry asked him.

"I've always had too much money to really have to worry about anything. As long as I have enough to live, I'm fine." He said shrugging. "But back to the subject." 

"I think that it's great! What subject are you teaching?" Harry asked excitedly, remembering the topic. 

"I'm the new Defense Against the Dark Arts professor." Sirius told him with excitement. "And evidently, Professor Bins quit, in search of a more… exciting afterlife."

 Harry could hear Sirius straining to keep his voice straight. There was a moment of silence, and then they both burst out in laughter. "So, who is replacing him?" Harry asked. 

"Oh, I'm not sure, I think it's a woman though." Sirius said. "So you're completely positive that this isn't going to bother you? Because I don't have to do it." Sirius offered. 

Harry shook his head. "Even if I did have a problem, which I don't, I wouldn't stop you from doing something you want to do. If you really think that teaching is what you really want to do, then go for it!" Harry said. 

_______

    After finding out that Sirius was going to be coming to Hogwarts with him, everything seemed a lot more optimistic. He didn't notice the slowly dying summer, and the feeling of fall speeding toward them seemed to die down, and he began to anticipate the school year. 

Sirius on the other hand, seemed to be getting nervous. Harry assumed that it was the threat of teaching. Harry tried calming him down, telling him to relax and enjoy the rest of the summer. Sirius at least made an attempt at acting calm around Harry but he saw through it. 

Harry spent his days learning to swim good enough that Sirius would let him try that cool dive. When he wasn't swimming or fishing with Sirius, he was relaxing in the sun. After taking a lap around the lake, he collapsed into the roots of a huge tree with Sirius in tow. 

He lay against the rough bark, put his face up the sun. He pulled out his practice snitch and played with that for a little while, letting it fly around his head for a little while then abruptly snatching his hand up with his seeker reflexes, and taking it from the air. 

He played with the snitch for a while, his mind drifting slightly but a prickly feeling on his neck caused him to look over. He saw the Sirius was watching him. The corner of his lips where quirked up in a half grin as he watch Harry grab the golden ball from the air. 

Harry stared at him in inquisitively. Sirius just shook his head to himself. "It's almost scary how much you look like your father." Sirius just said fondly. 

Harry sunk down lower against the tree so that only his head remained leaning against it. He didn't know how to take the remark, so he didn't bother questioning Sirius about it. 

________

It was with a sad heart, but excited heart that they packed up and left the woods. Their last day spent in The Snidget Shack was spent packing up everything. 

Harry found that he just about had to sit on his trunk to close it with all of the new stuff that Sirius had got for him. He had never been one to throw things out as he never had much, but he decided to put all of Dudley's old things in a bag and donate them, though he really didn't think that homeless or poor people where fat enough to fill Dudley's old things, he wondered if he should look up a foundation for the fat, short people of the world. 

Sirius decided that for their last night at home, they would go out for dinner to celebrate Harry becoming a prefect in school. 

They floed to the Leaky Cauldron, and went to a small place for dinner. Though initially, Harry wondered why they didn't just go to the Leaky Cauldron to eat, he gradually understood that they were better off eating in a smaller, more unknown place, as this. 

"It's nice, not having to cook, isn't it?" Sirius asked him. Harry nodded with enthusiasm. Though, oddly enough, Harry had come to enjoy cooking. 

"Maybe I'll have the baked trout? What do you think Sirius?" Harry asked. He smirked, as Sirius turned slightly green and looked queasy. 

"Don't read to much into this, because I really do love your cooking… but I never want to hear the word fish again! Never!" Sirius said. Harry nodded vehemently, agreeing with him full force. 

Harry picked at his food a little bit, still feeling slightly depressed about leaving. He knew Sirius noticed this, but he didn't say anything. 

After dinner, they both went out for ice cream. Harry ordered a small cone, while Sirius got a huge sundae. He actually managed to eat the whole thing. Harry, who had been done fifteen minutes before, watched in wonder as Sirius seemed undaunted by the size of the sundae, and kept shoveling it down.  People from other tables watched as well. 

"Come on, Sirius! You already ate all of the appetizers, your meal, and most of mine! If you weren't extremely skinny already, I would worry about you getting fat." Harry told him. 

Sirius replied with a shrug, and went back to eating. When he had finished, people at other tables applauded vigorously. Harry sunk down under the table, while Sirius seemed happy. The man at the register refused to let him pay, claiming that he 'drew in customers'. 

Sirius knew that it was the last night of summer vacation and Harry and Sirius stayed up watching movies and talking for a while. They both knew that it would be a long time before they could both spend time together doing this sort of thing freely, and Sirius wanted to make the most of it.

Harry laid across the couch, put his back against Sirius's side. Sirius played with his hair. "Next summer will be better, Har." Sirius said, as if condoling him. 

Harry was surprised by this. He tilted his head up to look at Sirius, not wanting to turn around and move from the comfortable position he was in. "Sirius, this has been the best summer ever! It can't get better then it is." Harry said in a soft tired voice. "I just wish it could have lasted longer." Harry said, quietly to himself.

"But this school year will be great though, huh?" Sirius said brightly. Harry nodded, feeling quite drowsy. When Harry finally fell asleep, he found to his surprise, that he had no dreams of Ron. He woke up to Sirius shaking him. 

"What? Wha's goin' on?" Harry felt confused. 

"You didn't wake up last night." Sirius told him. 

"Do you think that means…?" Harry asked.

"It might. And we have to get going." Sirius told him.

Harry got up and went to his room to go change. He looked around his room, not only to see if he had left anything behind, but also to get a last look at it before he went away. He went downstairs with his trunk, and pulled it along. 

"Sirius, how are we getting there?" Harry asked.

"My bike of course." Sirius stated. 

"What are you going to do with your bike when we go to Hogwarts?" Harry asked.

"I'm going to keep it there. See, I'm dropping you off at the train station, and then I'm driving there." Sirius stated. "I'm going to need my bike there. The school year is way to long a time to go without a joy ride once or twice." Sirius said with a smirk. 

They were up in the air a few minutes later, and Sirius insisted that once they got past the forest and into more of the city, they had to go on land. After sitting in traffic for fifteen minutes, they finally made it to the train station. Sirius and Harry pulled up, and began unloading his stuff onto a cart. Sirius waved him off outside the barrier, telling him he'd see him at the opening feast.

It wasn't exactly much of a reunion, when he got onto the train. He saw the rest of the Weasley, all looking just as bad as Ron's parents had. Hermione and him went got into a compartment together. They smiled and exchanged pleasantries, but it wasn't as much fun without Ron for comic relief. They played a round of exploding snap, but Hermione then pulled out a book, and began reading, so Harry just shrugged and went off to find the Weasleys. 

In the compartment that Fred George and Ginny were sitting in, there was a very solemn silence, as everyone seemed to be lost in their own depression filled trance, as they unseeingly stared out the window. 

Harry didn't even bother with them. He was better off in the compartment with Malfoy and his thugs. He went back to the compartment with Hermione, and took out a book and read along with her. 

Unlike Hermione, Harry couldn't get indulged with his book enough to keep his mind off of… current events. He decided that Hermione deserved to know what was going on. 

"Hermione?" Harry struggled to get her attention. "I- er, didn't have a dream about Ron last night. I don't know what that means. I don't think we should jump to any conclusion though. It either means the best or…" 

Hermione slowly lowered her book, looking like a deer caught in the headlights. Harry walked over to her, and sat down besides her. He gently gave her a one-armed-hug. He heard her choke back a sob, and patted her back softly.

_______

Harry slowly got out of the train and he and Hermione scrambled into a carriage. They rode along in silence. Since Harry made his revelation, there had been complete silence in their compartment. Harry was very grateful that Malfoy didn't show up and wreak havoc in the middle of the silence. 

The carriage pulled through the gates and the students climbed through the doors to Hogwarts. Harry could hear the student's voices seemingly coming from a thousand miles away. He felt like he and Hermione were enclosed in a bubble that isolated them from everyone else's excitement and joy of a new school year. 

They went into the great hall, and Harry noticed Sirius sitting up at the staff table. Harry nudged Hermione. "Did I mention that Sirius is teaching this year?" Harry asked. Hermione shook her head, and something akin to a small smile passed across her face. 

They were going to sit at the table, when Professor McGonagall came swooping down upon him, Hermione and the Weasleys. "After the feast, you are to report to Dumbledore's office." She stated in an expressionless tone. 

The sorting flew by. It was very uninteresting to them as they exchanged varied expressions of nervousness, reassurance, and sadness. Dumbledore's speech seemed unimportant to everyone. 

On any other basis, when Sirius was announced as the new defense teacher, Harry and Hermione would have cheered, and clapped for him, even if they were the only one, but Harry could only bring himself to clap slightly, and he was the only one. The rest of the school seemed to be stunned. The rest of the staff also clapped, bar Snape. 

The new History of Magic professor was also introduced. When Professor Dumbledore introduced her as Professor Murphy, there was lively applause for her. Someone also whistled. She seemed extremely flustered about that, and blushed. She sat down and began talking animatedly to Sirius. This wasn't what caught Harry's attention; it was that she was a brunette. 

**End Chapter XIIV- Loss and Find**

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End notes: *wiggles eyebrows* Hmm? How was that? The biggest cliché in the whole friggin world, huh? But I know you loved it anyway. Did you like my attempt at suspenseful-ness? A double cliffhanger to shake the ages. Well, what more is there to say? I just don't know. 

Thank you Sky, Cierra, Srialb, (Though your review slightly frightened me) and Trance for your reviews.

Take it away Sirius!

Replies to reviews:

Senshichan14:  I'm great! Nice of you to say hello to me. I mean, things are going to get interesting, like, a few plot twists, like this chapter for instance. BlackPotterGrl maybe the genius, but I'm the muse. I'm the one who makes her get off her fat lazy, bum and get to writing. And trust me, it takes a lot! She needs to get her fanfix (Pun, get it?) before she writes and it takes a while sometimes. It's a good thing virtual sweets are no calories or we would get fat!

SarahPeach: How was that? Most of the chapter was boring, but that's because Katie lost all ideas for what Harry and I could do for the summer, so she sent us back to Hogwarts with orders to make with the interesting. I know that this isn't going to stop you from badgering us about the mysterious brunette, but you will find out more, maybe next chapter. I don't know about the whole prefect thing though. Is that what you were talking about, or was it something else? Ron getting away from Voldy? Maybe… or Ron dying at Voldemort's hands. That would make a good plot twist, wouldn't it? Would she? Hmm.

Moonlady: I know exactly what you mean! Where are people getting these crazy ideas, huh? Join the yahoo group. Thank you for the complement. Of course, it depends on how much you like soap operas I guess. More chapters a-comin.  

A.Dee: Hmm, what's left to say to you that BlackPotterGrl haven't already? She liked the fan art. She would post the fan art for Loss but she doesn't have a scanner, and she's waiting for her sister's laptop so that I can go over to her cousins and use theirs. Katie will most-likely post it on her Yahoo Group if she gets a chance, but it sucks. Thank you for reviewing even though you weren't in the mood. Have fun with the fic.

Starlette/WallytheWhale: Damn; This reply's going to be long! Most of the questions you asked where answered in later chapters. PDA stands for Public Display of Affection. Ron may die… or he might not. It depends on how sadistic Katie's feeling while writing the story. Excuse me! I am soooo not gay!

Remus: I'm wounded! I am so not a woman, not am I dating Sirius! Sorry Padfoot, but ewww! 

Sirius: Not taking offence this time. Snape isn't the one is freeing Ron, or at least he isn't the only one. Katie's glad that she enriched you with her statement of Harry looking down at his knees. Everyone likes to eat on me, huh? Damn J.K.! She's a children author, and now? She's a violent ax-wielding murderer!

I loved that statement too! I'm going to scare the wits out of my mom with that one now! Oh it's going to be fun! Katie and me actually liked reading your chapter-by-chapter reviews. They were funny! You never mentioned nhow you liked the confrontation between Harry and me though.

Alastormadeymoody51: You can't complain! Poor Harry had to sleep in a cupboard for 10 years, and you saw the size of that thing.  


	14. Hot and Cold

                                                                                    **Loss**

                                                                          By BlackPotterGrl 

**Chapter XIV – Hot and Cold **

Harry sighed to himself as he pulled the covers around his bed and slowly put on his pajamas that night. It would have been so much easier just to sleep in his boxers on a night like the one he had. He knew he couldn't risk that of course, as no one besides Sirius and Ron knew that he had scars all over his arms, and they were the only ones that he ever wanted to know. Harry wanted to curl up into a ball, and squeeze the pillows until his knuckles turned white and all of the frustration he had pent up was gone. 

Why couldn't his life ever be simple? Why couldn't he know? He didn't know what would be harder, not knowing where Ron was, or knowing that Ron was dead? It was all so confusing. He turned over on his back and stared at the ceiling. The room was so hot! He took off his pants and threw them on the ground next to him. The bed was not the problem. It was difficult to find an uncomfortable place on the mattress, but he rolled around to his stomach to find a cool spot on the sheets. 

What was that spell that he had seen Sirius use? He wracked his brain, but he couldn't remember it. He cried out in frustration. 

"'Cho doin', 'Arry?" Asked one of his roommates. 

"It's too bloody hot in here!" Harry growled. "Can't sleep." 

There was a pause. " 's kinda ho' bu' it's nothin' awfu'" They replied. Harry didn't respond. 

He needed to talk to Sirius. He knew he did. But, one, he didn't know where Sirius's room was, and two, even if he did know, he didn't want to bother Sirius on his first day of classes. He was probably busy enough preparing for his first class to have his godson come barging in giving him more to worry about with his problems. 'Or he's with his girlfriend.' A small part of his brain whispered.

He narrowed his eyes at the thought. 

But there was an alternative. He was about to shake his head and think about something else, but the thought was appealing. There were toiletries in the bathroom and he was pretty sure that there were disposable razors under the cabinets. Harry bit his lip. 

Normally he would have pushed the thought out of his mind instantly, but tonight wasn't a normal night. He buried his face deep into the pillows.  What should he do?

Earlier had been a nightmare. They had walked to the headmaster's office as if approaching death row. The Weasleys were behind he and Hermione whose face had become pale. The Weasley's looked worse then ever. He imagined that he was looking the same way. 

He noticed right away that Mr. and Mrs. Weasley were in the room.  He was confused. He looked in Ron's parent's faces as if they would tell what was going on. He thought up excuses for why Ron's parents could be here that would mean that Ron was actually okay. Maybe… Dumbledore hadn't told them yet that Ron was all right and he was going to tell them all together. Yeah, that was it!

Dumbledore gestured for them to sit down. He cleared his throat and looked around the room, from the anxious adults, to the on-edge students.

"I'm afraid Ronald Weasley has gone missing." Dumbledore stated frankly. There was complete silence for almost a minute. Dumbledore looked as if he didn't know whether or not that was cue for him to continue, or if he should just let them have their moment to take this all in. 

"He- he's missing?" Mrs. Weasley asked in a wavering voice.

"You see, last night, we went to go rescue Mr. Weasley from the dark lord's fortress, but, we got to the cell, and it was empty. This could mean one of two things. The first of which, is that he somehow managed to escape. The second… I'll let you draw the conclusion on your own." Dumbledore stated blankly. 

"We have a group of people out searching for him at the moment. I am afraid that if nothing comes up within a month, he will be declared legally dead. I want to wish you all my strongest condolences." Dumbledore did look truly apologetic.

Dumbledore looked down at his hands that were folded at the top of the desk. "Students are excused from classes for however long you need. I can give you all a few moments alone if you wish." Not waiting for a response, Dumbledore left through an exit Harry had never noticed before. 

The silence didn't disperse until Ginny let out a sob, and that was what broke it. Suddenly Ginny, Hermione, and Mrs. Weasley began crying hysterically. Harry turned his head to the scene. Fred and George had gone to Ginny's side, trying to give her some comfort. Mr. Weasley was holding his wife, looking as though he was going to do the same thing any moment. 

That left Hermione; he moved forward to let her have his shoulder. 

Hermione and the others didn't stop crying for almost fifteen minutes. By that time, Harry was struggling heavily to keep his own emotions in check. He wanted to cry. No, he needed to cry. But not here; not in a room full of people. Mr. Weasley wasn't crying over his son… at the moment. He could bare it for a half-an-hour. 

He looked over and noticed that Fred and George were standing over toward the door, and Mrs. Weasley and Ginny were crying into each other's shoulders. Hermione slowly stopped crying, and soon, Ginny and Mrs. Weasley did also. 

"I think that we should go." Mr. Weasley declared. "I'm sure that the headmaster would like his office back." He was right. They could have their cries in their own common room. 

They went down the spiraling staircase and out into the corridor. "Professor Dumbledore gave us permission to take you home for a few days. We know you don't want to miss the first few days of school, but I think it might be wise." Mrs. Weasley said. Harry assumed that she was talking to her own kids. "Hermione, we can make arrangements for you to stay with your own parents if you wish. Or you're welcome to stay with us if you want to." Mrs. Weasley offered her. 

"Harry, I would suppose you would like to stay with your godfather, but know our home is always open to you." She told him. He nodded back at her. Hermione looked hesitant. 

"I think… I'll stay here. Thank you for the offer though, Mrs. Weasley. I'm really sorry about Ron." She said. 

"I can imagine that it's just as hard for you." She told her, giving her a hug. She then turned to Harry, and gave him a hug and kiss on the cheek. 

"Harry?" He saw that Sirius was leaning against the wall. "How did it go?" Normally he would have looked to Sirius for comfort; for reassurance; for condolence. He could tell by the look in Sirius's eyes that he was offering it. Normally he would have accepted it. Normally.

Harry bit his lip and looked down, shaking his head. "We don't know where he is."

"I think that me and Hermione should probably head back up to Gryffindor tower." He looked back at Hermione who looked close to tears again. Sirius nodded, but took him aside for a moment. 

"It's good of you to help your friend, Har, but… he's _your_ best friend too. You need time to get through this as well."  Sirius told him. "If you need me…" he let the statement hang, and gave his shoulder a squeeze. 

What? He asked himself. What do I do if I need you? He didn't tell me. Harry tossed and turned more. He knew he was never going to get any sleep this way.

When he and Hermione had gotten back to the common room at almost ten o'clock, the common room was deserted, and Hermione went to go sit down on the couch. She pulled her legs up to the couch and started crying into her knees. Harry sighed again. He had hoped that he could be alone in the common room for a few minutes, but he should have predicted Hermione having another burst of tears. 

It had taken another ten minutes for her to gain control over herself, and by that time, Harry's shoulder was completely drenched. She was still sniffling and whimpering when she went up to bed that night. Harry didn't even bother trying to get a moment to himself. He knew that Hermione would probably be back, and he knew that he would be in an awkward position if someone decided to come down to the common room. 

He resolved that this wasn't going to work at all. He was too hot, and too uncomfortable, and despite the fact that he knew that this wasn't going to change if he want downstairs, he knew he needed a change of scenery. He pulled on his pants, and just as he was, he noticed that there was something in the pocket. He didn't remember putting anything, but it might have just been a spare gum wrapper.

He took it out. It was the Marauder's Map! Harry looked at it confused for a few moments. Where had this been? And how had it gotten into the pocket of his never-before worn sweatpants? 

Sirius!

He must have slipped it in his pocket before he had walked away. He quickly opened the parchment up and said, "I solemnly swear that I am up to no good." And he saw the school unfold before him. He looked over the dots and rooms, and noticed a section of the castle that a lot of teachers where gathered in, so he assumed that it was the corridor that the teachers had their sleeping quarters in. 

He quickly summoned his invisibility cloak, and set out for it. 

He was walking down the hall that he knew led to Sirius's room, when he suddenly encountered a large tapestry hanging infront of him. It was a smart thing to do, put some sort of protection in front of the teacher's corridor, as people like Fred and George would have a field day if they could get into the hallway. He looked at the map, and to his surprise, found the password in a bubble near the dot labeled Harry Potter. 

When he gave the password, the drapery rolled up and revealed the passageway. There seemed to be paintings of all sorts. There was the customary badger, and snake, for the heads of houses. Harry slightly shivered a bit being so close to where Snape and McGonagall… _slept_. That was definitely unnerving. He looked at the map, and turned at a portrait of a wolf. He looked at the password, and rolled his eyes. Only Sirius! "Snape is a slimy git" and the painting opened to reveal another door. He knocked lightly; trying to make sure that the only person he woke up was Sirius.

 He knocked again, surprised, as Sirius was typically a light sleeper. He looked at the map and saw that, like most of the people in the building, Sirius had little z's next to his dot. He knocked a little bit harder, but there was still no response. He finally opened the door on his own accord, and walked into the room. 

He took off the cloak and threw it on the couch, not caring about tidiness for once, and walked up to a door off of the living area. He knocked still harder on it. 

"Harry?" asked his disarranged godfather. "That you?" he wiped the sleep out of his eyes.

Harry nodded in response. He didn't know what to say. The idea seemed a lot smarter when he was tossing and turning in bed, but now he just felt like a dumbass. "Can- can we talk?" 

"Sure Har. Lets sit down." He gestured for the couch. 

"Why didn't you wake up?" Harry asked, trying to fill the air, as he wasn't sure how to approach the subject. 

"I know you didn't come here to talk to me about that, Harry." Sirius reprimanded. 

"You can't hate me for trying to make conversation." Harry stated unconvincingly. 

"This is about Ron, right?" 

Harry averted his eyes, but Sirius cupped his chin and made him look up into his pale blue eyes, which were currently boring into his conscience with the concerned look he was being given. "Come on Harry, you can't keep this up forever! Do you honestly think I don't see it, kid? I've only known you for two years, but I can read you like a book. I know that you're hurting. Do you want to talk about it?" 

Sirius slackened his grip on Harry's chin, and Harry pulled away, shaking his head no. "If you didn't want to talk, then you wouldn't have come down here at 12:00 o'clock in the morning." Sirius stated to the back of his head. Harry pulled off his sneakers, and pulled his legs to his chest and sat with his back leaning against Sirius. 

"Just… stay with me, okay?" Harry ignored how childish his voice had become. 

"Yeah, of course Har." Sirius told him. Harry turned and buried his head in Sirius's side. Harry was content to sit there for the rest of the night. Breathing in Sirius's scent calmed him down and made him a lot less crazy. 

After five minutes of silence, Harry couldn't contain the words that had been boiling up since he first found out Ron was missing. "I just can't believe it though! Just to think, Ron might be…" Harry was sidestepping the word dead as if saying it might make it happen. "Why did this have to happen? Why did it have to be Ron?" Sirius just rubbed his shoulder reassuringly. 

"Voldemort, Harry. He doesn't have a conscience. He doesn't care what he does to people. It doesn't matter to him if he's tearing everyone apart. No, he cares… and he likes it. He wants nothing more for you to get hurt by all of this. He wants you to suffer. But I won't let him get to you." Sirius told him in a faraway voice. "As long as I'm around, he's not going to hurt you. I'm not going to let him." 

Harry sniffled. "Too late." He said in a broken voice. "This is all my fault." Harry said tears flowing down his face. 

"Harry, you have the distinct right to make friends. There is no law against it, okay? You have the justification to make friends, and live a normal life. And being someone's friend ultimately means that the person if going to stand by you and be your friend in spite of who you are and what the repercussions of being associated with you means. You knew that when you became Ron's friend. You knew that being friends with him could mean that people might look down on you for being associated with the Weasleys. 

You knew that, yet you took the risk of being his friend. And despite the fact that I know that you really don't care for anyone that would look down on you for that reason, but it's the same with Ron. He knew that being your friend might make him a target with the dark side. But he's a Weasley! That makes him a target regardless of his friendship with you. That's what friendship is. The Marauders knew that being friends with Remus could mean a lot of trouble, but we put that aside, and stuck with him. That's what friendship is; people that put aside the risks, and look at a person for who they are, not the problems their friendship could bring." Sirius told him. 

Harry looked up from the comfortable area in Sirius's side, to look at Sirius's face; his eyebrows furrowed. He tried to think of something to say but he came up with nothing. He just snuggled in closer to Sirius. Fatigue that had been pushed away due to the circumstances seemed to set in, and he fell asleep, tears still streaming down his face. 

Harry knew he would get no reassurance from sleep, and found himself being shaken awake from horrible nightmares about Ron. Sirius woke him up, telling him that it was just a dream and that he was all right, but Harry knew he wasn't. He was very far from being all right. 

Even though the room had been cooled down a lot, he still felt very hot. He noticed that sweat had formed on his forehead, and he twisted out of Sirius's lose embrace. "You all right, Harry?" 

"I'm just a bit hot." He said.

"You look really pale, Har. I think you might be coming down with something." He put his hand on Harry's sweaty forehead, looking as if he had no idea what that was suppose to mean. "Is your forehead suppose to be this hot?" he asked himself. 

"I don't think so." Harry told him. "I'm fine, Sir." He shook his head. The movement made him a bit dizzy.

"I think you should go see Madam Pomfrey." 

"I'll be fine!"  Harry stated. "Just a bit hot." Sirius just shrugged and set the temperature lower.  

"That okay?" he asked. Harry nodded. He put his head down on a pillow and went to sleep. He had an odd nightmare. He dreamt that he had his head in an oven, but the rest of his body was out in an ice storm.

"Harry? Harry, wake up." Sirius called. He looked up at Sirius's concerned face. "You're really sick, Har. Are you still hot?"

"No! I'm freezing." He said, shivering. 

"But… You're sweating." He felt his face and found that his face and his neck where clammy. Sirius wrapped a blanket around him. 

"My head is hot though." He said. "Can you…?" he said, not wanting to be any trouble at this time of night. 

"I'm going to go get you a washcloth to put on your head." He said, getting up and getting him a bowl of water, and a washcloth. He wiped the sweat off of Harry's forehead, and rested the washcloth on his forehead, occasionally rewetting it. "First thing tomorrow, you're seeing Madam Pomfrey. Do you want my bed, Har? You're sick, you shouldn't be sleeping on a couch." Sirius asked, wiping his forehead with the cloth. 

He shook his head. "I'll probably give it to you that way." Harry said. Not that he could have gotten up. He gave a big sneeze. "You better stay away from me, Sir. I might be contagious." Sirius merely shrugged. 

"Humans might be susceptible, but I bet animals aren't." Sirius said, turning into a dog, and laying across his lap. Harry slowly stroked the dogs head, and nodded off. 

He awoke with a lurch in his stomach, and tried to make his way for the bathroom, but the dog that was lying on his stomach prohibited him from getting to the toilet. He tried to push the dog off him in his mad dash for something to throw up in, but it was too heavy, and by the time it woke up and made a movement to scramble off him, his stomach had decided that right in front of him was a good place to aim, and he spewed the little he had eaten during the opening feast all over Sirius's couch. And Sirius.

"Oh, god! I'm- shit! I'm so, so sorry! I'll clean it up! I promise. Oh my god…" he stammered to the bile-covered animal, who transformed into his godfather.

Sirius looked down at his throw up covered clothes and winced. "It's… alright. It's just a shirt. A little magic will clean it all up." He said, muttering a spell that made the mess come out of the couch and his shirt and pants. "Are you okay?" 

Harry just grunted. "I think I should go back to my own dormitory. Let me throw up there." Harry said, trying to get up, despite his weak arms. Sirius shook his head in a forceful manner, as if to say, 'Don't you dare move!'. 

"I'm going to get you a paper towel, and some water." Sirius told him. He returned and started wiping the throw up off of his face.

"I can do it myself, Sirius." Harry said, blushing. 

"Just humor me, and let me take care of you while your sick." Sirius muttered lowly. Harry sighed and let Sirius go through his 'I missed half my godson's childhood and I have to make up for it' stage. He passed him the glass of water, and had to help Harry hold it as he was very weak, and Harry worked the taste out of his mouth. 

"Go back to sleep, Harry. It'll do you good." Sirius said, curling up as a dog next to him, not wanting to make the same mistake twice. 

Harry turned on his side and put his head on top of the big black dog, and found listening to its heartbeat, and it's calm, even breathing sent him back into a calm sleep. 

Harry didn't awaken until the sun was rising. He looked at the clock. It was 7:30. 7:30? "Sirius! Sirius, get up! You're going to be late for classes!" Sirius startled awake, transformed and jumped over the side of the couch, over to his bedroom, and threw the dresser open. So hard, in fact, that the drawer flew out of the bureau, and landed on his foot. 

Harry looked over the couch, and watched in entertainment as Sirius grabbed his foot, hobbling around the room, while trying to put on his clothes, cursing profusely. "Harry, go to the hospital wing. Shit! I'll come see you after classes. Crap!" He pulled on his shoe, and kicked the dresser. 

"Are you going like that?" Harry asked.

"Well, I was. What's wrong?" Sirius asked, looking at himself.

"You look like you were just electrocuted." Harry told him. Sirius spurted another round of colorful words. He got a comb and ran it through his hair. It almost instantly smoothed out, and went back to normal. Harry scowled. It took him fifteen minutes to make his hair halfway decent. He had given up on gel, as it made him look too much like Draco Malfoy. 

"Harry, are you going to be okay? Can you make it to the hospital wing yourself?"

"Yeah." He sat up, and pulled himself into a standing position, and immediately fell to his knees. "I'll be fine." He said unconvincingly. 

"Come on, I'll skip breakfast today." He said pulling Harry to his feet. Harry felt too queasy to reply.

Harry walked through the hall with Sirius holding him up, and was just about to go through the tapestry that he heard, "Well, look who it is. Potter and Black. Two of my favorite people." The sarcasm was rich.

Snape. Harry and Sirius exchanged glances of disgust. "Well, if you're going to be sick, at least throw up on someone you don't like, eh Har?"

Sirius turned around to respond to the comment. "Can't say the feeling is reciprocal."

"And tell me, what is Potter doing in the teacher's hallway? I'm not sure if Dumbledore told you this, but students are not allowed in. Or was your small mind not able to comprehend this? 50 points Potter."

"Actually, Snape, if I remember correctly, Dumbledore's rule is that students are not allowed to be in the teachers wing without permission. He _has _permission from a teacher. In fact, he has roaming privileges. And that qualifies as a counter to those lost points."

Snape growled, but didn't lose his formality. "I suggest that you ask those who are superior to you before you make any major decisions, Black!" he spat.

"I obviously won't be asking you then." Sirius said as the tapestry scrolled up. 

Sirius dropped in off in a bed in the hospital wing, telling him that he would be back to see how he was doing during lunch. Madam Pomfrey came over to ask how he was, and when he described his symptoms, she frowned and gave him a potion that put him to sleep. 

**End Chapter XIV – Hot and Cold**

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End notes: I wasn't going to get Harry sick, but I didn't think that a chapter full of Harry crying and coping, and Sirius trying to calm him down, and tell him that it wasn't his fault would be as interesting as a 'Harry goes through a tough time not knowing where his friend is, while being sick. Why can't I just leave Harry alone though? He can't just get sick, he has to get a complicating illness, as you'll read. 

More throw up, and all that good stuff coming up. I wasn't going to update until I got 100 reviews, but I got sick of waiting. Okay, it took me a while to write the chapter. 

Responses to Reviews, Sirius style: (He made me write that)

Senshichan14: Hey, in my, and Katie's opinion, having me at the school is better for Harry, as he likes me. I wouldn't punish Harry. Hmm… now that could be an interesting plot line though… This chapter only took a week. And being BlackPotterGrl's muse isn't easy work. Sometimes I have to use force to get her off her arse, and write. You have pleased me. I got a little bit distracted with the gameboy, and Katie got upset, but it's smart to please the muse, because I poke her in the back of the head and make her move, but Katie's jealous because she thinks you like me better then her. Something about only liking her for me, but I'm sure that's just nonsense. Oh, and you flatter me, but, as I said, I'm taken.

SarahPeach: So, wait, you joined the mailing list? That's good. We need people to join, and, more so, send emails. Katie is looking for a fic centering on me to recommend. 

Ouch! Wisdom teeth? That suxs! Not to mention, hurts. Oh if you only had magic. Thank you for the review. By the way, where have you been? You haven't updated since July. Katie needs a SarahPeach fanfix. 

Alastormadeymoody51: Thank you for your review.

Sexy Black: Actually, I'm the DADA teacher, and the brunette is the History of Magic professor, and… maybe. Oh, by the way, Katie loves Safe or Not.   

Sailoranime: Damn! That was a long review, to our pleasure, though slightly… odd. 4:09? Not so surprised. Katie's uploading this at 7:30 in the morning, and she's just about to go to bed. Don't stop reading… please! *Holds up pocket watch* you want to read Loss. It's a good story, a very good story. You must read it! JK!

You don't like the story, but you must read it? Well… I guess that's good. Katie was hoping that the Harry in Loss is different from OotP's Harry. He's angry at the world in that one, and in this, he's more upset, but he doesn't express that through anger. He's more dark, yet more emotional. 

Yo Katie! You wrote an infuriating story! Are you proud?

Me: Very proud Sirius. Just knowing the headaches I'm causing gives me reason to live. *Rolls eyes* See, what I go through with? I have my muse twenty four seven. And that isn't good! Not good at all. Be lucky that yours isn't around as much.

Me: I wouldn't trust myself to review anything with only five hours of sleep in me. I guess I was going for the air of difference. It's always kind of weird when Harry's somewhere else. When he's not at Hogwarts, or the Dursley's, or the Burrow. That's all we know. It was odd for me to read about Harry's adventures on number 12 Grimmauld place.   

No! It won't be H/H. I am one of those who don't sail on ships. I get seasick too easily, and I can't even imagine writing a fic centering around a relationship unless it's purely platonic. I may, _may_ include a pairing with Ron and Hermione, but it will not center on it, and this fic will involve dating, but not in the traditional way. I'm sorry, but I'm happy you don't want Harry to have to share Sirius, because it will make it so much easier to write the fic that way. Mary Sue's are evil! This is my Mary Sue revenge. 

I know what you mean though. Sirius with a girlfriend? It's not right. But Sirius dared me to, so I'm writing it, but not the way you think. KEEP READING! Thank you for joining the list. Don't hesitate to recommend a fic. Please? 

A.Dee: She's prolonging the frustration of not knowing where the hell Ron is, just FYI. I know what you mean. I was going to be History professor just so that it wasn't as cliché, but can you see me, Sirius, the Professor Binn's replacement? Maybe Remus, but never me! 

Moonlady: I think that it might have been more of a compliment if you liked Soap Opera's, because then Loss would be better then something you like, but I'm still happy you like the fic. BPG actually didn't know whether to kill Ron off, declare him missing, or let him live, so… she picked out of a hat. Ya, I know… kind of sadistic, deciding a character's fate from a hat. J.K. Rowlingish of her, eh? Well, Ron went through a lot of torture, and he didn't know if he would survive or not… that's why he was crying. We believe you! We believe you! I'm not dead! Nor will I ever be dead in the minds of every sane person. (Or insane person lost in denial). That's why we're in… Sirius Denial. 

Kimberly: 

Me: Okay, to tell you the truth, I do actually wear contacts. I know that the visit to the optometrist was a bit farfetched. It took me to the point of tears of frustration to get my contacts in, but I did it. I was going to give in, but I kept on fighting! But I would say it took me near fifteen or twenty minutes to put them in. I mean, twenty minutes is a lot of time. It makes me feel kind of stupid to look back at my first time as I pop in my contacts within two minutes, but it was hard.

I think I mentioned that Harry had contacts that you put in and they last for a mount or so. I actually have the contacts that you are suppose to take out before bed, but, er, sometimes I take a nap in them once in a while. My eyes burn, but nothing to make me yell about. I don't know if leave-in contacts make your eyes burn on the first day or not, but I would assume not. 

Harry is going through the hassles of contacts… I'm just not taking the time to write about it. He put them in the first day, and forgot about them until the next time he needed to take them out. Plus, there was probably a spell that helped keep his eyes from drying out or something. 


	15. Hallusinations and Pea Soup

                                                                                    **Loss**

                                                                          By BlackPotterGrl 

      **Chapter XV – Hallucinations and Pea Soup**

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    Harry felt like his head was alight. From the neck up, he was on fire. He was suffocating from the heat, and he could fell the sweat spilling from every pore he had. Inside his head, he had rocks being pelted within his skull. He moaned and rolled over. He was so weak that he could barely make that movement. In the near distance, he could hear voice. He couldn't make out who they were, but he made out a few select words. 

"It's… muggles… station… half… only… muggleborns… half… it… I… treat… sick…" 

"I'm… I… care… him… I'll… it…" 

"Are…sure… wise" 

Harry heard a scrapping noise, and then felt something cold on his forehead. He moaned again. He then broke into a fit of coughing, and couldn't stop. He felt that someone pull him into a sitting position, and a hand rubbing his back. Harry peeked his eyes open, and immediately shut them, as the light was burning his eyes.

"Harry?" asked Sirius, who must have been the one who was holding him up. Harry lifted his arm up weakly, and blocked out the heavy lights. 

"Siri?" Harry muttered. 

"Yeah, it's me." He said. Harry looked at his blurry face, which, even from the distance, he could tell that it was full of concern. 

Harry mumbled something incoherent. Sirius leaned closer to him to hear what he was saying. "What did you say?" he asked.

Harry looked over to him, and opened his mouth to repeat his comment, but he was sick before he could warn Sirius, and heaved, not realizing where, right into Sirius's face. Harry stared, horrified by what he had done. "Oh, God! I can't believe I just did that! I'm so, so sorry!" He watched his un-moving godfather; his head completely covered with vomit. Harry's face went white as tears rolled down his face very fast.

Sirius wiped away the yellow vomit, spitting. "Let me guess. 'I'm going to be sick?'" Sirius asked him. 

Harry closed his eyes, wishing that the bed would swallow him up. "I'll be back in a minute, I have to go brush my teeth, Harry." Sirius said, after he used a cleaning charm over him. 

"You mean, I threw up in your mouth?" It wasn't a question, and Harry found, to his amazement, that his face became more flushed then it already was. 

"It's all right, Har, I'll be fine." Sirius told him, walking toward the bathroom. Harry, however, was not. This action had only made him weaker. Without Sirius to support him, he fell back against the pillows and began coughing. This, surprisingly, caught little attention, and it was not until Sirius returned that he was poured a glass of water. 

Harry drank the water, and gradually, his cough was soothed. His throat was aching, and it hurt to swallow. "Feel better?" Sirius asked him. 

Harry looked at him with blurry eyes. His glasses where still sitting on the table next to him (He was not wearing contacts), and he didn't have to strength to get them. "Considering the circumstances… no." Harry said, not caring that he wasn't being sociable at all. He didn't have the will to be polite at the moment. "My skin hurts." Harry stated with a cracked voice. "Why didn't madam Pomfrey give me some pepper-up potion?"

He noticed immediately that Sirius looked like he had something that he didn't want to have to tell Harry, and Harry inwardly groaned, knowing that he wasn't going to like the news. "See, Harry, you must have caught the virus in the train station or something, because this isn't a regular flu, which, by the way, is what you have. You see, certain viruses are prone to muggles, and not wizards. You caught one that only muggleborns, and half-bloods can get, and it's pretty uncommon."

"You see, because it's chiefly a muggle virus… magic won't cure it, because magical medicine isn't meant for muggle diseases. Do you understand?" Sirius looked apprehensive. Harry nodded, frustrated. Why always him?

"Did you know that madam Pomfrey is a muggleborn?" Sirius asked him. Harry shook his head, deciding not to do it again, as it made him dizzy. "She is. And, like I told you, muggleborns are susceptible to the virus. Since we don't want an epidemic of this at Hogwarts, we want to make sure you don't pass this on to anyone, all right?" Sirius told him. 

"So what your saying is you're putting me in quarantine?" Harry stated, not exactly thrilled with the idea.

"Not so much as quarantine, as… in your own room. With me taking care of you." Sirius told him. As much as the action hurt Harry, he raised his eyebrows.

"You?"

"Yes… me. No, don't bother thanking me. I don't want to put you at any pain." Sirius stated in fake sarcasm. 

"I didn't mean it like that. It's just… you don't know how to take someone's temperature. How are you supposed to do it?" 

"Well, someone on the staff had to do it. Flickwit's mum's a muggle, Professor Sprout's a muggleborn, and the only people that are free, and might be forced into doing it are me, McGonagall, and of course, Snape. I'm sure that Snape, being to oh so exquisite potions master would know a lot about medicine. I can leave you in his care." 

"You're evil, you know that? I'm sick, and you go and mention Snape!" Harry scowled. Sirius looked almost slightly apologetic. "Plus, he probably knows a lot about magical medicine, and you said that you can't treat me with magic." Harry said smugly. 

"Well, there is one other option. We might be able to pull a few strings and have Mrs. Weasley take care of you. I mean, she has raised, what is it now, seven kids? She probably knows a lot about taking care- "

"No! I mean, she has way too much to worry about to take care of me! I mean, she practically lost her son, and the twins and Ginny need her now. No, I definitely don't want that." Harry told him hoarsely. 

Sirius sighed in a fake manner. "Then I guess you're stuck with me then. Unless you want McGonagall." Sirius smiled knowing what ultimatum Harry would pick.  Harry gave him a look as if he was considering. "Oh, come on. I'm not that bad." 

"I know. You're just gullible." Sirius swiped at his head. "But how are you going to do it? You have classes to teach. I mean, I'll be fine alone for most of the day, anyway, but you have a lot to do, and I'm probably going to be a lot of trouble." Harry felt self-annoyance that he was being such a nuisance. 

Sirius scowled, as if reading his thoughts. "You're not going to be any trouble. Well, the throwing up thing isn't exactly pleasant, but I guess I'm just going to have to repay the favor someday." Harry gave him a guilty look but Sirius just shook his head. "I'll make time. It's okay, Harry. I don't mind doing it." 

"We're going to transfer you to your room now, okay Har?" Sirius said. Harry pulled the covers back, and made a move to get out of the bed. 

To Harry's surprise, Sirius put an arm under his legs, and one under his back, and lifted him up. He grabbed Harry's glasses, carrying him out of the hospital wing, toward the teachers hallway. Harry was surprised when they stopped outside Sirius's room. Luckily, they didn't pass anybody, as Harry realized that would be an awkward situation: him, being carried by a professor. Sirius brought him inside and laid him down on a bed in a room he hadn't noticed before.

He was put down on a bed, a lot more comfortable then the hospital wing beds, and almost as nice as his four-poster. "Comfortable?" Sirius asked as he buried his hot head in the cool pillows. Harry didn't bother responding. "I charmed your pillows to stay cool, and your blankets to stay warm. I thought that might make you feel better." Sirius told him. Harry's thank you was muffled from the pillows, but Sirius heard it, and ruffled his hair. "Your welcome, kid." 

"Do you need anything, Harry? Are you hungry, is your head still hot?" Sirius asked him. 

Harry turned around to face him. He began nodding, but stopped abruptly. He was hungry, yes, but unless Sirius was in the mood to be doused in whatever it was that he was going to eat, he should probably stay away from food. "It's all right if you want to eat something." Sirius's face was extremely strained. He had bit his lip, and was looking away. "I don't mind." 

"No. No, I'm fine. I'm not even that hungry, really." Harry lied. 

"Well, I've got classes in…" he looked at his watch, and double-taked. "Now! Sorry Harry. I'll be back later. Try and get some rest." Sirius gave him a quick peck on the forehead, and went out the door promptly. 

Harry stared around the room. There was a table to the side with a bell on it, and that was pretty much it. Harry suddenly realized just how tired he was. He turned around again to put his forehead in the cool pillows, and nodded off. 

________

Harry had no idea what was going on when he next woke up. He had awoken from a horrible nightmare about Ron. His head felt like it was going to explode. He could feel his body shaking, and his lungs were on fire. He turned his face to the cool pillows, and buried himself deeper in the comforter. No matter how hard he tried, he could not find a comfortable spot. He twisted around, feeling restless, and hopelessly ill. 

He let out a hoarse cough, and the burning in his lungs increased in intensity. He moaned in pain. He felt a cool hand on his forehead, and cracked an eye open. He saw a blurry figure standing over him. "'Iri?" he mumbled questioningly. 

"It's me, Remus." The person told him. Remus? what was he doing here? 

"Wha-?" Harry didn't have the strength to pose the question. 

"You have a terrible fever. I don't know what Sirius was thinking leaving you alone here." Remus said, mostly to himself. He mumbled something about not being responsible enough to raise a kid. 

Harry felt the need to stand up for his godfather, but didn't have the strength for it, and he knew Remus well enough to assume he was joking. 

"Sirius sent me an owl, asking me to pick up some muggle medicine for you. I just picked up some tissues, and cough syrup and stuff like that." He paused, "Did you have a nightmare Harry?" Remus asked him tenderly. 

Harry met Remus's eyes briefly, but quickly looked away, trying to hide his embarrassment. "No." He lied. After Remus gave him a concerned look, he turned away, muttering "Yes." 

Only Sirius had known about his nightmares, and he was perfectly content to keep it that why, but Remus looked really concerned about him. 

"Ron?" Harry nodded, not looking at him. Remus looked at him sympathetically. Harry didn't know if he should be grateful or upset by this. "He'll be okay, Harry. "

"Do you want something? Water? Tea?" Remus asked. Tea sounded excellent.

Harry meant to say yes please, but it came out something between a grunt and a moan. "Tea bags, right?" Harry meant to smile, but the muscles in his face wouldn't respond. He felt, rather then saw Remus pulling him into a sitting position, and putting pillows behind his back. 

Remus put the cup in his hands, and he struggled to hold it. He yelped in pain as the hot liquid spilled down the cup into his lap. Remus took the cup back, apologizing liberally. The shock from the pain woke him up a bit and made him a little more coherent. Remus had lifted the cup up to his lips. In the back of his mind, he felt a bit sheepish as his ex professor was feeding him because he couldn't hold a mug of tea. He felt weird letting Sirius do that.

The tea burned going down, but his throat felt soothed by it. "Thanks." 

"It's no trouble." Remus told him. 

"What time is it?" he asked, despite his throat.

"It's… about time for classes to be over. Sirius should be back soon." 

"You don't have to stay. I'm sure Sirius will be back soon." Harry broke into a fit of coughing, wishing he would stop, as he knew Remus wasn't going to leave him alone now. He didn't mind the company, he just didn't want Remus to feel obligated to stay with him. 

Another addition to the list of embarrassing moments witnessed by Remus. He always seemed to be there for bad moments. He didn't have enough willpower to care though. 

Remus replied lifting the cup up to his mouth again, and rubbed his back. His coughing subsided after a while,  and Harry turned around and leaned his cheek into the pillows once again. Remus turned toward the table that had been loaded up with muggle junk that would supposedly help him. 

He handed him a small plastic cup that contain a red syrup. "Drink it." Harry took the little cup to his mouth. He knew it would taste horrible by the smell of it. He tried to down it all, but it didn't come out of the container quick enough so he had to take two gulps of it. 

Harry sputtered, as the taste almost made him gag. It was awfully bitter, with a bad artificial aftertaste. "It was cherry." Remus told him. Cherry?! It was almost mockery. Harry let out a bitter laugh, and regretted it. He didn't want Remus to feel bad when he went to all the trouble.

Remus didn't seem to mind. "If it tasted as bad as it smelled then it was probably made by Snape." Harry chuckled with him. 

Sirius walked into the room, looking really tired. "Oh, hi Remus. Harry… how are you?" Sirius asked him. 

"As good as one can be with the flu." Harry said. "Remus helped me out." Harry told him.

"You didn't have to stay with him Remus." Sirius told him.

"Speak for yourself." Harry muttered under his breath, though he needn't bother as both of them heard him. 

"Thanks a lot anyway." he said.

Remus turned back to Sirius. "It was no trouble Padfoot. But I don't think it's smart to leave him here by himself. His fever is pretty high, and that could be dangerous if he's left alone." Remus said.

"I know. And I tried to cut my last lesson short so that I could get back here to see how he was holding out." Sirius told him. Remus looked skeptical, like he thought Sirius could do more for him. "Well what else can I do Moony? I can't take off on my first week. Dumbledore told me himself that I couldn't." he told him, almost pleadingly trying to prove he was a good godfather.

"You could ask me." Remus said. "It's not like I have anything better to do." He told them. 

"You would do that?" Sirius asked him. "That would be awesome, Rem." He said. "Thanks."

"You okay with that Harry?" Remus asked him. But Harry wasn't paying attention. His head had begun pounding worse then ever, and he scrunched up his face, burying his head in his pillows. "Harry? You alright?" 

Harry let out a moan, and began coughing heavily. "I'll take over Remus. You can use the fireplace to go home, or you can have my couch if you want to stay here." Sirius stated then came over to tend to Harry. "Harry, how are you feeling?" 

Harry looked up at him with blurry eyes. He was shocked to be staring at his father. "Dad?" 

His father looked completely bewildered. "Harry? I'm not your father. I'm Sirius." 

"Well then who are you, and why are you impersonating him?" Harry asked confused and slightly angry. 

"I'm not your father!" the person stated incredulously. "I told you, I'm Sirius!" 

"I believe you. But who are you, and why do you look so like him?" 

"I _don't_ look like him… I told you I'm Sirius Black."

"My last name isn't Black… is it?" Harry asked. His head was pounding heavily, and he was feeling very confused and agitated. "Well, if you look like my father, and your name is Sirius, then my last name would be Black. I think." Harry's head was starting to hurt. "I've got a headache." 

His father/Sirius was looking more confused then ever, and finally just looked down at him and stated, "You're insane. That, or you have a really high temperature and you're hallucinating."

"I'm insane?" Harry asked him confused. "Then my name is Insane Black." Harry giggled. 

His godfather shook his head, and walked to the table and picked up a bottle of Aspirin. He took out two pills and handed them to a confused Harry, and told him to swallow them with water. Harry proceeded to do so, managing not to choke on them. 

"Are you hungry?" James asked him gently, feeling his forehead. "How about some soup?" 

Harry stopped himself before he nodded. "I thought I was insane." Harry asked him naively. Sirius looked like he wanted to bang his head against a wall. "I'll have some soup." 

His godfather walked over to the table and rang the bell. Instantly, a house elf materialized in the room. Harry's eyes widened. "Wow! Was that real magic? Awesome!" Harry said in an amazed voice. "Do it again!" The house elf looked at him with confusion. 

"What would sir like?" the house elf asked. 

"Ha ha! You sound like a chipmunk." Harry laughed, but then he began coughing. Sirius gave him some water, and he settled down. 

"He'll have some soup. What would you like Harry?" Harry mumbled something about fairy puffs being part of a balanced breakfast. "Whatever kind you like." 

Harry watched again in wonder as the house elf popped in and out of the room. He clapped his hands in amusement. Sirius ran his hands through his hair. He took the soup from the house elf, and brought the tray over to Harry. He spooned the lumpy green muck into Harry mouth, only to have it returned to him, via Harry's spit reflexes. 

"EW!" Harry stated loudly. "That was horrible. Was that poison?" Sirius cringed as he wiped the green… stuff off of his face. 

"It's pea soup. Or at least I think it is." Harry stared at the repulsive substance with his nose scrunched up. His godfather charmed the spoon to shove the stuff down his throat as he went for cover. Harry's nose was scrunched up in disgust at the horrible tasting substance. The house elves where good cooks, but pea soup was just something that couldn't be helped. 

"I don't think that was wise, Sirius. When he chucks that stuff back up, who do you think it's going to be on?" asked someone in the doorway. 

"Ron?" Harry asked. Ron Weasley was standing in the doorway. "What are you doing here?" 

"Ron? No Harry, it's me Remus." He stated.

"You changed your name to Remus, Ron?" Harry asked.

'Remus' and Sirius exchanged looks, and Ron turned back. "Yes. I did." 

Sirius shook his head. When the spoon had begun serving him air, he ended the charm with a quick 'finite'.  Harry sneezed three or four times in a row, then sniffled. James got another washcloth and water to put on his head. "My head still hurts, dad." His godfather cringed at the name. 

"I'm Sirius!" he said

"About what?"

"Sirius, he's sick. Let him call you whatever he feels comfortable with." Remus said.

"I just don't think that James would appreciate that." 

"Why are you talking in the third person, dad?" 

"I think that James would be glad that he sees you as his father, Sirius." Remus countered.

"He doesn't see me as his father! He's sick. That's it. He's hallucinating, and I look like his father to him!"

"Thank you, Sirius. You just proved my point for me." Remus replied smugly. Sirius rubbed his temples. 

"All right, all right, I surrender. Call me whatever you want to Harry. Just don't call me Snuffles." 

Harry nodded, but stopped suddenly, and groaned in pain. "Does your head still hurt? Hand me that Aspirin Moony." He told him, putting his hand on Harry's forehead. 

"Your fever is still really high. Or, I'm pretty sure it is. I mean, your head is _really_ hot." Sirius told him.

"Uh, Sirius. I bought a thermometer, okay? You don't have to guess." Remus, meanwhile, was looking at the Aspirin. "Did you read this bottle?" 

"Yeah. It said take two pills every six hours while the symptoms persist." Sirius responded trying to figure out the Thermometer thing.

"Did you read the part that says that you shouldn't give Aspirin to children who have the flu?" Remus asked him.

"Uh… didn't see that part." His dad pulled the thermometer out of his mouth. "Is 106 bad?" 

"Yes Sirius. It's very bad. We have to get his fever down or he could start having convulsions." Remus told him. That seemed to sink in, because his godfathers eyes widened. 

Meanwhile, Harry was shivering intensely. His fever had gone up a lot, and he had become very chilly. He wrapped the covers around him tightly. "Sirius, take off his shirt." Remus instructed. Sirius looked quizzical, but didn't question him. His godfather pulled the shirt over his head, and wrapped the blanket around Harry. 

"Did you see his arms?" Remus asked Sirius, who looked at Harry apologetically. 

"Yeah, I know about them Rem." 

"What are you doing about it?"

"Remus, It's something between me and Harry, okay?" he turned his attention back to Harry, who was still shaking. 

"Grab a sponge and start rubbing him down with the water. I didn't get any alcohol." 

"Honestly Remus! This is no time to be thinking about drinking." Remus chose not to respond to that. 

"Do you have a tub?" Remus asked. 

"Yeah. In the bathroom."

"All right. I want you to bring him into the bathroom and fill the tub with water. Make sure it isn't too cold. Put him in there for a half an hour or longer. You should take his temperature at regular intervals, and see if his temperature goes down. He should be fine when he reaches 103, but I recommend you keep it low." 

"Are you leaving?" Sirius seemed pleading. 

"Yeah. Two people giving a fifteen-year-old a bath is pretty needless. Just do what I told you." Remus left for the fireplace. "I'll be back tomorrow." 

"Why did it take you so long to leave the first time?" Sirius asked.

"I wanted to make sure that Harry wasn't going to die from fever at your capable hands." Remus told him. 

Sirius lifted the still delusional Harry and brought him into the bathroom, and filled the tub up. Harry's head kept rolling to the side, and he could seem to keep his balance while his godfather was fixing the water. When Sirius had undressed him and put him in the tub, Harry seemed to wake up from his hallucination, and was confused. Where had his father gone, and why was Sirius in his place? And why the heck was he in a tub? 

"Sirius?" 

"Oh, I'm Sirius now?" 

"I'm sorry." Harry muttered. He managed to turn into a position facing Sirius, and he rested his arms and head on the side of the tub. "I'm sorry for calling you my dad. That must have made you feel uncomfortable." 

Sirius was sitting on the floor next to him, leaning against the toilet. "It makes me sound really stupid when you say it." 

"Sorry." 

"There is nothing you can do about my own stupidity." Sirius told him smirking. Harry managed a half-smile. 

Harry looked around for a moment. "Why am I in a bathtub? And why are you in the bathroom with me?" Harry asked though he wasn't sure he wanted to know the answer.   
  


"You're in here because you have a horrible fever that we need to bring down. And I'm here with you to make sure you don't pass out and drown or something." Sirius stated nonchalantly. Harry nodded. 

"How long do I have to stay in here?" 

"Until your fever goes down, a half an hour has past, or you look more like a prune then McGonagal." Harry smirked. Sirius some how made any situation seem calm. 

Harry looked down at the floor mat in the bathroom. "What's wrong?"

"It's nothing." 

"What subject of nothing? Ron?"

"Remus."

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean for him to see."

"It seems like he always catches me at bad moments. I mean, when I fainted because of the dementors, and that time when the Dursley's died. Then you asked him to baby-sit me-"

"I did not ask him to baby-sit you! I asked him to come over and look after you for a little while." Sirius defended.

"It's the same thing, Sirius. This is just great. I hallucinated, and called him Ron. And now he knows about the cutting."

"First of all, Remus doesn't care about any of that. Really. And I witnessed a lot of that stuff too. You don't care about my opinion of you."

"Yeah but… You're different. Isn't it time to get out yet?" Harry asked trying to change the subject.

"It's been fifteen minutes, Harry." 

"Well maybe my fever has gone down. Hand me the thermometer." He stuck it under his tongue.

Sirius shook his head when he looked down at the temperature. "You're at 104. I think you should stay in a little longer." 

Harry sighed. "But really, Har. He doesn't think any less of you. I know about it and I don't think less of you for it."

"Why not? I mean, if I found out you were doing this to yourself…" Sirius raised his eyebrows, as if affronted. "I… wouldn't care either." Harry spook truthfully. 

"Then why do you think Remus would care? The people who love you most won't judge you by your weakest moments, but by your strongest." 

The comment hung in the air for a while. "How is it that you can seem so naïve once moment, then turn all philosophical the next? It's like you have a split personality or something."

"I've got to live up to my name on occasion. But do you understand me Harry?" Harry nodded slowly. 

"This is probably one of the weirdest conversations I've had in my life." 

"Oh yeah? Why's that?" Sirius asked him, though Harry knew he knew.  

"Because I'm talking to my Godfather. While in a bathtub. With a fever of 104." Sirius once again raised his eyebrows and nodded. 

Harry suddenly had a bout of sickness come over him. "I'm going to throw up, Sirius." he said. Sirius stood up, and looked around frantically for something for him to throw up in. When he could see nothing, he lifted Harry out of the tub and kneeling him in front of the toilet, lifting the lid up. 

Harry brought back up the green stuff he had been force fed for dinner. "I'm pretty sure that was going to happen regardless of the fever." Sirius told him. 

Harry was not exactly in the mood for his jokes. He was wet, cold, naked, had just puked everything he had eaten, and tears where running down his face. "If Draco Malfoy could see me now." He said to himself. Sirius laughed, but Harry glared at him. 

"It was time for you to get out anyway." The adrenaline that had run through him in his need to reach a toilet had run out, making him exhausted, and weak. His head dropped, hanging limply. Harry began shivering from the cold. Sirius, sensing this put his hand on Harry's forehead. He nodded, signaling that it was okay, and then wrapped a towel around him, sitting him on the toilet seat. Sirius got him a pair of his sweatpants, and some boxers for him to borrow. 

Sirius carried him back to bed, where he magiced the sheets clean. "Try and get some rest, Har." Sirius told him, laying with his back against the wall, and pulled Harry into a strong embrace as he leaned his back against Sirius. "I'll be here when you wake up."

**End Chapter XV – Hallucinations and Pea Soup**

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End notes: I know, I know. This chapter took me five friggin years. I'm sorry. Have you ever had a chapter that you made fifty million corrections to, and nothing seemed right? This is the best it's been, but I'm still not sure. I think I owed it to you though, for being so patient. Thank you all for waiting, and bearing with me. School starts soon, so that means less time to write. I know it sucks. Summer was lovely. I spent it inside writing. 

Thank you all for reviewing. I can't believe how many reviews last chapter got. I had to check to see if it wasn't a typo. It wasn't, amazingly enough. 

Thank you alastormadeymoody51, BlueBerrie, Srialb, Lin-z1, Xirleb70, Kim, Melanie, Trance3, blackenedsoul, RosieCotten, and Abarraine. Your reviews were great! : D

Responses to reviews: (done by me, BlackPotterGrl)

    A.Dee: Was that enough throwing up, or am I going to have to add more next chapter? I fit some nice Remus action in there. I'm trying to see how I can fit him in permanently any ideas?

    Sailoranime: Kind of weird isn't it? A few reviews ago you hated the story, but were too intrigued to quit reading. I guess as the old saying goes, good things come to those who wait.  Abandonment issues? Do I want to know? Yes, down with the Mary Sues! Sirius wouldn't leave me in peace for enough time to poke J.K.'s head. She is too stubborn to listen anyway. If you ever threw up on someone, you wouldn't have the power of magic to clean it up though. You are the second person who asked me that. Someone else wanted it to happen. I assure you, I'm not going to go into the land of sex. I though about it. I wrote it, but I couldn't find a scenario that wasn't completely wrong. Or, as you put it, sad. 

Senshichan14: Do you live in Silicon Valley? I don't think that giving Sirius Internet access is smart. I really don't. HBO is a stretch. I can just imagine the threats for my five-year hiatus. I'm working hard on next chapter. Really!

Moonlady: Hoorah! You are the 100 reviewer. Any requests? Stories you want me to write? Do you want me to give you a shout out next chapter? I am very grateful. If someone told me when I was a little girl that I would be getting one hundred reviews for my fanfiction… Sorry, I was watching the VMAs the other day. Don't worry if you don't get it. I'm sorry, but you cannot alter the outcome of the fic, so don't waste it on telling me to bring Ron back. Sorry. ^-^

Syvixxe: Hermione doesn't really have that big of a role in this story. She isn't one of my favorite characters, but I do like her. I'll try to give her a bigger part. 

Tingling_bells: Actually, last chapter was one of my quicker updates. Sorry about this one. Maybe next chapter, or the one after that one will have the brunette in it. I'm not sure. The dreams were only Harry thinking the worst. They weren't supposed to be predictions. 

Wolverina: I don't want to mislead you. That will not happen. I'm sorry. I have to be honest though. I did think about doing it. It just seemed too wrong. It's funny you would say that, because I'm planning a big one. It should be really good. Well… not good. You know what I mean. I laughed when I read you review. It use to be PG, and I didn't think you would ask me to include sex in a PG story, but I changed it. Not because I plan to, but because the row between Harry and Sirius might have quite a bit of cursing. 

Lt. Jaina Solo Fel: Thank you very much. Your review really lifted my sprits. Sirius's too. I don't like how Sirius was portrayed in OotP. That is how he really is though. I just didn't like him in that. 

SiriusLvr: Thank you. Sirius/Harry is my all time favorite. It's so cute. I've been reading it for almost a year. Your welcome. Thank you for reading my fic.  

Lady Arwen of Rivendell: If people get mad at me for making Harry so sick, I'll tell them you told me to. I'm, just kidding. I love sick!Harry. It's fun to write. Probably not going to make Voldie torture Harry just yet. Maybe in the sequel. Thank you for adding me to your favorites list. That's really nice to hear. 

Mella deRanged: Ron isn't dead yet. He's just missing. I may or may not bring him back. I know it would crush Harry, but it brings for some nice H/S scenes, doesn't it? I just changed the summery. The brunette will be important in later chapter. Sorry for the confusion. 

Thank you all for reviewing! I love you all. 


	16. Mute Comfort

                                                                                    **Loss**

                                                                          By BlackPotterGrl 

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**Chapter XVI- mute comfort**

Harry awoke to another horrible nightmare at what he could only guess was early morning. He was shivering from what he assumed was the repercussions from the dream, or maybe it was the flu, but it could also have been because he was not wearing a shirt, and his godfather had every removable fabric on the bed wrapped around him. Sirius was curled up in his animagus form to his right. He pulled the comforter away from the dog, and wrapped it around his cold, small frame. 

The dog curled up tighter, and Harry buried his head in the fur of the dog. The dog didn't respond to this, except for his left ear twitching in a doggish way. Harry drew warmth from Sirius's fur. He liked the feeling of comfort he got from the dog, similar to the feeling of comfort he got from Sirius normally, but it wasn't the same. He felt oddly more at ease around Padfoot. 

Harry wiped the tears off his face. He cursed his imagination for the bad things it managed to come up with. His dreams contained all of the gruesome ways Voldemort may have killed Ron. With the combination of the flu, and the overwhelming amount of intolerable nightmares, the past few days had been a blur to him. The gory images in his dreams haunted him incessantly, even while awake to the point where he couldn't stand closing his eyes in fear of seeing them. These dreams were worse then any pervious, because anyone of these things could really be happening at this very moment. 

He squeezed his eyes closed, willing the images away, but they stayed with him. Why did it have to be Ron? There were very few people in his life that really meant something to him; he could count on one hand how many. Ron was the one who had introduced him to the wizard world. He saw him as more then just a scar. He had shared his family with him, and he became his brother, as well as best friend, because Harry really did see Ron as his brother. 

God! What he wouldn't give to get him back. What would Ron do if the roles had been switched? Maybe he would be praying, comforting Hermione, trying not to cry, and failing miserably. 

He wondered how Hermione was handling the situation. If he didn't have the flu, and it wasn't too dangerous for him to be around her, he would probably be comforting her. How was she reacting to all this? Ron was who knows where, he was missing, and Ginny had gone home for a few days. She really had no one to turn to at this point. He really wished he could do something for her. 

'But whatever is happening to Hermione right now can't be worse then the torture Ron's going through… if he's still alive." He gave silent sob, and tears rolled down his face. 

He really wished at this point that Sirius wasn't keeping such a sharp eye on him. He knew he would never get away with cutting at this point. Sirius would know. Oddly, Harry would feel a bit disappointed if Sirius didn't figure it out. If his godfather paid that little attention to him not to notice, then that was sad. Not like he had the strength to stand up anyway, let alone cut himself.

'I won't cry. I won't cry!' he resolved to himself. He wasn't going to do this anymore. He wasn't going to show how much Voldemort had hurt him. How devastated he was. Tears leaked out of Harry's eyes despite his resolution, and silent sobs wracked his body. He hated himself for it, but his determination was already broken. He buried his head in the pillow. Except… it wasn't a pillow. It was Padfoot. He was always looking to Sirius for emotional support. He had devolved a close enough relationship with his godfather that he didn't mind waking Sirius up. But in the back of his mind, he didn't want him to wake up. After all, Sirius had looked exhausted when he went to bed that night, and he didn't want to be the cause of him being tired. He was too indulged in his misery to really pay too much mind of it. 

Harry let himself cry for a while into Sirius's fur. He was so scared for Ron, but he knew he was being a bit selfish. That made it worse. Ron had told him that he wanted to die. He _wanted_ to! To end the pain. What if Ron was suffering somewhere now. Did he really want his friend to go on living if he was in that much pain? Should he be feeling remorseful for thinking that, or maybe he should feel bad for wanting him to keep living in spite of Ron's wishes. 

He could feel the dog stir from under his head. He realized that Sirius must have transformed when he no longer felt support for his head on fur, but on his godfathers chest. Harry didn't offer any explanation, and Sirius didn't ask for one. Sirius pulled Harry close against him, and Harry shifted himself so that he was crying into his side. He hid his face in his godfather's shirt, and let Sirius rock him back and forth. He tried to contain himself in Sirius's presence, though he didn't know why he bothered. Sirius was whispering things to him to reassure him of Ron's well-being, but he wasn't telling him to stop crying, so Harry didn't. He found himself falling back into another nightmare from his illness-induced fatigue, and clutched Sirius as tightly as he could, as if holding on would stop the nightmares. 

In return, Sirius held him tightly to his chest as if Harry was an oversized teddy bear. Slowly, Harry fell back to sleep, and back to the horrible dreams, but also with the knowledge that Sirius would be there for him when he woke up. 

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Harry awoke the next day – or at least he assumed that it was the next day, all he knew was that it was light out – to find that his head was still buried in Sirius's shirt, though it was considerably damper then when he has gone to sleep.

Surprisingly, Sirius hadn't stolen all of the covers on the bed from him, though he did find quite a few more over Sirius. Sirius had his arms wrapped around him protectively… and tightly. Very tightly in fact. Though Harry could still breath quite freely, he found that his arms were pinned at his sides. Though he thought it probably had less to do with the fact that Sirius had a tight hold on him, and more that he was incredibly weak from the flu. 

He tried futilely to pull himself from the suffocating embrace, but it was no use. Not that he minded much. His godfather subconsciously nestled him in closer. "comfortable?" a voice asked him. He didn't need to look up to know it was Remus. He couldn't shrug in reply due to Sirius, but he gave Remus a smirk. 

"Do you want me to pry you out of there? I can wake him up if you want me to." Remus asked him. 

Harry tried to say no, but all that came out was a hoarse whisper. Remus gave him a concerned look. 

"Can you talk Harry?" Harry shook his head "Let me have a look at your throat." He took out his wand, and lit it, looking in his opened mouth. "Merlin! You could enrage a bull with a yawn." 

Harry made an odd noise, which he assumed was what happened when someone with laryngitis tried to snigger. His throat stung with the effort.

"Does it hurt really bad?" Remus didn't wait for an answer. He turned at picked up a bottle of red fluid that looked a lot less thick then the cough syrup from the previous day, though that didn't make it any more appeasing. Harry shook his head fervently, making his head pound. He stopped, trying to reach up and massage his temples, but Sirius prohibited him from doing that. 

"Here. I went back to the drug store and bought some of that other muggle headache stuff. It is supposed to be safe to use on influenza." Remus told him. 

Harry shot him a 'You shouldn't have gone to so much trouble' look, but Remus shook his head. "He'll have to let go of you before you can take it though."

Harry gave him a look and mouthed, "Good luck" to him.

"He has to get up now anyway. Time for classes. I don't know what he's going to do when he doesn't have anyone here to wake him up." Remus said. But Harry knew he would be up by now if Harry hadn't kept him awake for the past two nights. He would probably get up on time if he had gotten a full nights sleep. 

"Sirius. Sirius get up!" Sirius's eye poked open. He looked at his watch and rolled over deciding he would sleep in. Well, he tried to roll over, but the fact that Harry was lying next to him just caused him to crush Harry, who made a sort of squeaking sound, not being able to protest. 

"Get up you lazy git, before I show Harry the picture of that Halloween when you dressed up like a- ." Sirius sprung off of Harry, and out of bed within thirty seconds, and Harry could hear the shower running within five minutes. 

"You didn't want to see it anyway. It might scar you." Remus told him after he got a disappointed look from Harry. Remus felt Harry's forehead just to make sure his fever hadn't gone any higher. 

"Well, you still have a fever, but I would say you're down to 100 degrees." He got him a glass of water, and two capsules of Tylenol.  He picked up the red liquid stuff, and Harry edged toward the other end of the bed. He was extremely slow in getting there, and by the time Remus was done reading the directions, he was still within arms reach of him. "Aw, come on Harry, it's not going to be that bad. But Harry missed that as he fell off the other side of the bed in his attempt to escape the horrible medicine. 

He lay there for a moment, his dignity smarting more than his backside. Finally, he slowly sat up, knowing the look he was going to get from Remus. He didn't make eye contact with him while Remus helped him up and back into bed. He grimaced, but didn't protest when Remus sprayed some nasty tasting… something into his mouth. He was informed that it would numb his throat, but Harry wished it would numb his taste buds because the taste stuck with him, and it was worse then the pea soup. Well, almost.

Sirius emerged from the bathroom a few minutes later, and Harry was sad to see him go. He threw Harry one of his typical gray tee shirts which Harry put on without protest. Sirius wasn't very big on vibrant colors… or any colors if it could be helped. He was feeling a bit awkward with the inconspicuous looks Remus had shot at Harry's arms when he thought Harry hadn't noticed.  

"Do you need anything before I go?" Sirius asked him, looking equally sad to have to leave Harry while he was sick. 

Harry nodded, though he didn't know how to tell him what.

Remus told Sirius about his temporary muteness, and Sirius nodded uncertainly.

He made a writing motion, and Remus was quick to point out that he could use a pad of paper. He quickly wrote out _ask Hermione to collect my homework for me_ in a shaky hand. 

Sirius looked amazed. "You want to do homework? Come on! You're sick, you don't have to do homework!" 

Remus looked like he wanted to throttle his friend. "Padfoot! You're a teacher now! You can't go around telling students to try and get out of homework!" Remus told him in a hiss. 

"Moony, it's not a student, it's Harry!" Sirius said as if that made up for everything. "Besides, Hermione hasn't been in classes anyway." 

Harry eyes widened, and his mouth dropped open. WHAT? Hermione? His best friend Hermione? Oh God, it was a sign from above that the end of the world was coming. "I guess she's upset about Ron. If you _really_ want to do homework then I'll ask the teachers for your assignments. Personally, I'm not giving homework until next week, but knowing Snape… you're getting in way over your head. Don't say I didn't warn you though." 

Harry spitefully wrote, _how would I do that?_ Out to him.  Sirius ruffled his hair, and left him alone with Remus… and the evil medicine from doom. Harry tried to suppress a coughing fit, as he knew how it would kill his throat, but he couldn't help it, and Remus had to get a cup of tea to sooth his cough. Harry was glad that the cough medicine didn't make a reappearance. 

"While I was at the drug store, they had these things on the shelf called cough drops, so I thought you could try those instead of the cough medicine you seem to hate so much. The cough drops where red, and Harry looked at them with a doubtful look. He was getting really sick of pseudo cherry wannabe flavoring. Surprisingly, it tasted almost like cherry candy, and Harry kind of liked them. 

"Are you hungry?" Remus asked him. Remus hadn't been thrown up on yet, so he hadn't learned the repercussions of asking that question. Harry shook his head, despite his (thankfully) silently growling stomach. 

"Come on, Har. You have to eat at some point. You're way to skinny for your own good." Remus told him. Harry's eyebrows furrowed. This was skinny? He had gained plenty of weight over the summer. He just naturally had a fast metabolism. 

Harry nodded in reluctance, seeing as he was trying to argue with someone while mute. 

"I'll get you some soup. How about pea?" Remus suggested while Harry shot him a nasty glare. "You like chicken noodle soup? I don't suggest anything creamy, because milk isn't suppose to be good for you while you have the flu. Or so I've heard." 

The question had been growing in the back of his mind for some time by then. He scrawled out his question on the pad of paper. _How do you know so much about the muggle flu? _

"I don't really know all that much about it. I did a bit of research on it for a muggle studies class once, and the whole thing sort of intrigued me, so a little while ago I went to a course on muggle illnesses and first aid and all that stuff. It's kind of interesting. I would have become a healer, but my condition prohibits me from that. Plus a job like that… well, people wouldn't let a werewolf do something like that. Not many people would feel very safe in the capable hands of a dark creature." Harry scowled at that, but Remus looked completely calm, if not a bit uncomfortable. Harry assumed that living with the fact his entire life made him come to accept the fact that he would have to get second rate jobs. Harry, however, found it completely revolting.

Remus rung the bell for his soup, and Harry managed to get himself into a sitting position, and feed himself, to his relief. He didn't want to subject Remus, or himself, to having to be fed his soup. He had given up any schedule for meals. He ate his broth in silence, not that he could have talked any way. 

After having his first content stomach in a while, he felt a bit drowsy, and after a bit of positive influence from Remus, he took a nap, happy just to sleep his flu out. Of course, being left to his own sleep meant that it would never last long, and not more then two or three hours later, he awoke from another dream involving Ron's state of being at this point. 

He was lucky that he didn't awake with tears in his eyes, as that could cause another awkward, though polite attempt from Remus to get him to talk about it, when Harry wouldn't even talk to Sirius about it. He was pretty sure Remus knew he stood no chance, but he would probably have tried just to make sure Harry knew he was available to talk to. He was grateful for it though. It was nice to know Remus cared. 

Even if Remus had tried, it wasn't like he could talk anyway though.

In fact… Remus wasn't even there. He couldn't expect the man just sit at his bedside to make sure he was still breathing of course, so he lay in bed, not seeing anything to do as there wasn't really anything entertaining to preoccupy him with. He couldn't call out for anyone's attention, as he couldn't speak, but after waiting for fifteen minutes for any sign of someone, he sat up in bed and pulled himself to his feet. 

It was a wonder that he could stand on his wobbly legs, and he had to grab out for the chair to balance himself. He took an uncertain step towards the table, and managed to make his way over to the table, walking like someone taking their first steps. 

He grabbed tightly to the table, and looked at the long distance he would have to make unaided with anything. If his arms where stronger, he could have dragged a chair with him to keep his balance, but he was surprised he had managed to lift himself out of bed. He took one step, then another. His arm left the chair, and he slowly inched his way to the door. Miracle upon miracles, he managed to get to the door without any support. 

By the time he had gotten there, he panting from the excursion. He shook his head at the disgrace of it all. He couldn't make it to the door without breaking a sweat. Even Dudley could have done that. He peeked his head out the door, and saw that what he could see of the living room was empty. He had to crawl along the wall with his sweaty hands gripping it to keep him upright. Not like Sirius would mind. The site of Sirius's room was scary. He had only been here for two and a half days. How did it get that messy? At least he was giving a few bugs a good home.

"What are you doing out of bed Harry? You should be resting." Remus said when he had finally gotten to his destination. He noticed that Remus was looking at a few photos on the wall of his and Sirius, and some that he had hadn't even known Sirius had of his parents. He hadn't noticed them before. Now that he saw them he was quite Interested. 

He wobbled over to the wall to see them more closely. There was one of him on Sirius's motorcycle that he hadn't realized Sirius had taken. He briefly remembered the time Sirius had woken him up by flashing a camera in his eyes, but he hadn't thought Sirius would keep that one.  He watched in slight embarrassment as his eyes popped open and his pupils dilated to pinpricks at the bright light from the flash. The picture became covered though, as he smacked the camera – and Sirius's face – with his pillow. The picture became blurry mess as Sirius had hit him back and they slowly got into a brawl with the pillows. 

He also found another one with him and Sirius… but him as a baby. It seemed that his father had caught Sirius while he had been playing some silly little game with himself and a large collection of his stuffed animals. The scene ended when Sirius discovered James's presence and threw a teddy bear at the camera. 

Remus noticed him smirking at the picture and decided to narrate for him. "Sirius always was keen on playing with your stuffed animals. Even when you weren't. He loved your gray wolf. Almost took it home with him but James stopped him. You liked it almost as much as he did." Harry smiled. It seemed very characteristic of his godfather to do something like that. 

The next picture he was on his godfathers shoulders, and they were at the London Zoo. They were standing outside of a big Gorilla cage, and Sirius was imitating the big ape. He was clapping his hands in amusement, and Sirius took him off his shoulders and held his wrist so that he was waving to the camera. Sirius was making kissy faces. Suddenly the camera changed angles and behind him you could see three women in their twenties cooing over how cute the two looked together. When the camera turned back to Sirius, he wasn't looking at the camera anymore, but he was doing his little routine in the girl's direction. "This was when we – me and Sirius – kidnapped you, and took you to he Zoo without letting Lily or James know. Lets just say that it never happened again after what your mother did to us. On the bright side, Sirius got a girlfriend. Well, he did until she told him to take you with him on their date. That was the end of that." 

Harry didn't bother himself with feeling used. He knew his godfather loved him. The last picture on the wall was of the marauders out on the Quidditch pitch with James, Peter, and Remus all clad in Quidditch robes, while Sirius – dressed in black robes – was sitting on Remus and James shoulders. Peter standing in front of Sirius with Sirius resting his hands on top of his head. Both James and Remus looked like they were going to keel over from the strain, and Peter was swaying on the spot. Suddenly Peter dropped to his knees, and Sirius lost his balance, grabbing onto Remus and James's shoulders as he fell forward, causing the three of them to fall on top of Peter. 

"I'll let this one speak for itself. This was right after we won the cup. Trust me when I say that it took almost five minutes to get Sirius up there long enough to pose for the picture, but it took Sirius even longer to persuade us to let him get up on our shoulders. That was a mistake. It made for a pretty good picture though, until the falling and breaking one of Peter's ribs. Wait… never mind. It was a great idea." Remus told him. Harry smirked at him in return. 

That was probably the reason Sirius allowed a picture with Peter in it to grace his walls. 

"All right Harry. You get back in bed. This is the kind of situation that Sirius is going walking into, and use against me." Remus told him. Harry must have looked funny groaning with no sound coming out of his mouth. He shook his head with a pleading look on his face. It had taken him almost ten minutes to make his way out here, he didn't want to go back right away. 

Remus watched his mute pleads, and Harry could almost feel his resolve slipping away. "All right. You can stay out here. But you have to lay on the couch. Jeez Harry. You are the only person I know who can persuade without speaking a word.

Harry smiled in gratitude, and made his way slowly – with Remus's help – to the couch, where he sat down. When he broke out in a coughing fit, Remus insisted on feeding him another cough drop, which Harry wasn't so unhappy about. It was better then that _other_ stuff. He wouldn't even torture Snape with that- … okay, yeah he would. 

Sirius came through the door looking utterly exhausted, and trying to hide it. "Why are you two out here? Remus? Why did you let him leave the room?" Sirius looked suspiciously at Remus. 

"He gave you the look right?" Sirius asked him. 

Remus nodded. "He couldn't very well talk his way into it, now could he? You better watch out Sirius. He's going to empty your bank account when Christmas time comes around." Remus said jokingly. Sirius dumped his bag, and Harry's homework on the coffee table, and ruffled Harry's hair. 

"Yeah, he has the power to, but I got lucky. Harry knows to only use his cute pleading look for good purposes. Not for suckering me into buying out Diagon Ally." 

Harry faked an evil grin. "Oh, I can see the devil horns growing all ready." Sirius groaned.

"If you're tired Sirius, you can go to bed. I can feed Harry and put him back to bed." Remus reassured him. Harry glared. Remus sounded like he was taking care of a two-year-old. 

"That's okay." Sirius tried to make it less obvious that he was stifling a yawn.  Remus shrugged and stood up, said his goodbyes, and left through the fire. 

"What do you say we eat out here tonight?" Sirius asked him. "I am starving. Completely famished." Sirius said. He disappeared and came back a few minutes later with a plate full to the brim with chicken, and pasta, and roast beef, and a bowl of soup for him. He ate his vegetable soup without looking at what he was putting in his mouth, as Sirius inhaled his meal, finishing it before he was done. Harry stared at him with a raised eyebrow. 

"It's not like you could have eaten any of it anyway without spitting it all up. You should stick to soup. Harry looked sullen, knowing he was right. Sirius carried him back to his room, insisting that he was going to germ his couch up, and that sick people should stay in bed. That night, Harry was left alone in bed, and he didn't mind that. Sirius looked downright shattered, and he didn't want to go waking him up with any of his stupid nightmares.

**End Chapter XVI- Mute Comfort **(I am so sorry about the title! I swear.)

End notes: I am really really really sorry about the wait. I am sooo sorry. Really! I could tell you about the horrible amounts of school work I had to do, and my mom breathing down by neck about it all, and pressures of the school commitments that I made, but I'm not going to bore you to death with a bunch of excuses, (Not to mention lies!) so the outright truth: I was lazy, had no inspiration to write, and just didn't feel like it, and didn't know what to write. That could explain why it was such a bad chapter with absolutely nothing interesting going on in it. Next chapter I will wrap up with the whole 'sick' thing. 

I know nothing happened. I am very sorry. Next chapter for sure we will meet Professor Murphy, the History of Magic professor, and Sirius's girlfriend. I hope. I really really hope. Bear with me. 

Responses: Doggy Style (Sirius told me to put that! I swear!)

Thank yous out to everyone who reviewed last chapter, but didn't have much to say cept great fic, update soon. We appreciate them. Blueberrie, Trance3, Elessar, marauders4ever, Ni-Chan, Kim 13, Black Penther, Cierra,  rika-chan.

Mella deRanged: Gee, you wish Ron were dead? You're right, it would kill Harry. I think that's why Katie's doing this, despite her blame that I made her do it. *Swears as BlackPotterGrl steps on his foot* Uh hem. Haha. Just kidding. 

Ara Sea: Thanks a lot for that support. That irks us too. Hate it when the authors don't even have the courtesy to post a message. *Shakes head*

Sailoranime: No no! Don't stop reading. We need somebody to like this story! Katie just found it ironic. Yeah, throw up can be cute and funny to some, while hopelessly disgusting in all situations to others. Just your personality.  Gee, thanks for that. Think I like being thrown up on? Eventually, Katie will probably change the temperature to something lower. Katie started watching A.I., but she never finished it. It kind of lagged on and on. But that part when the mother just drops the kid off in the woods after she got her son back was disgusting.

No, the person I was talking to in the last chapter was the nurse. I know it was confusing, but they were discussing the situation about what to do with Harry. The whole hallucination scene was horrible, but we couldn't resist. I hope this makes up for it with some nice good angst/depression. And I loved the VMAs. Just love that Chris Rock. 

LizhowHP: 

Katie: That's kind of odd. I did that same thing to my mom as a baby. I think that's where I got the inspiration to write that. She was dangling me above her head, and I threw up. And as for your other question: Yes. Evil Brunette will. That is mostly the major plot line. Harry coping with the lack of attention he's receiving from his godfather, and watching it being refocused toward his girlfriend. I am not a 'Sirius gets a girlfriend' fan. Can you tell?

Senshichan: Wow. That's what I call adding insult to injury. I am wounded! How was I supposed to know? That should put that kind of thing bigger up on the label. Don't listen to Katie. She's just mad because I happen to have a life outside giving her a good kick in the arse when she gets lazy. She can't get lottery tickets, but I can. *grins* No, Harry's not going to be calling me Dad from now on. Well… Never mind. Let me just say on Katie's behalf, that if you kill the author, you're not going to get any more Loss. But I get to watch while you verbally kick her arse! *Gets out popcorn* Haha!

Lady Arwen of Rivendell: Wow! I'm flattered.

Trapper's Girl: We're going to change that part at some point. I know it's a bit high. Yes *Sullenly* I am, aren't I?

SarahPeach: Ha, that's funny. Katie loves sick Harry too. It's a conspiracy against my Godson. 

Katie: He's just mad because he got thrown up on twice. Ron will be… well, you'll see. I forgive you for not reviewing. However, I'm ticked that you aren't writing All For You. Oh well. College? Ah, what are you going to do? Work hard and graduate so you can get back to fanfiction. Jk. Of course I care about it. I have to care, since you'll be reading about my excuses as to why my fic's not being updated. Just playing around. I'll update soon. You try to as well.

A.Dee: You wanted a long review, so Katie will respond to your email in here. 

    Katie: Wow. You got some lousy nicknames. Well, I can't talk. Mine is Child. If you don't like 80, I won't call you it, but I think it's cool. Well whatever. I would hope I don't look like a Ruben look-a-like. He's bald, and fat, and while I'm nowhere near skinny… he looks nothing like me. Actually, I'm white, so it would be pretty darn hard to look like him even if I wanted to. I told you, Matt is just weird. We were talking about him, and I said, 'How do you think he got stuck with the name 'Velvet Teddy Bear' and he just randomly said Silk Beaver. The name just stuck. No need for it now though. The cat's out of the bag. Tonight was open house, and my teacher told her. She didn't react quite as badly as I thought she would. Actually, I have no punishment. Someone up there was listening to me while I was praying. Go figure!

    The trouble with pig Latin is everyone knows the rule to it, so they can break the code. Well, Anglophile is very unique. I don't think anyone else has used it. I don't think anyone would jump to that conclusion without looking the term up first. I would hope not. SP? OH! Secret Pleasures. I thought you were referring to Sarah Peach. I was going to say… she doesn't write slash. I am reading Pack Issues, even though I am squeamish, and I've got my pointer on the x just in case things get a bit… yeah. But it is a good fic. I want to read the rest on the Hogwarts Letters site, but my Mom put the parental control back on, and I can get to it. 

    I mostly stay away from Snape/Harry, but I can go as far as on friendly speaking terms. I read Never Alone, Never Again. Somehow, I don't see Harry _ever _considering Snape his father. I mean, really. And that whole Severitus thing is kind of weird. I mean, even if Snape was his real father, why would Harry grow attached to Snape after he raped his mother?

    I have read a few Remus/Harry fics, but there are few that are written good, and I don't see Harry keen on replacing Sirius so soon after his death, if at all. By this point, I think Harry will probably be afraid to get too close to any adults, after all the bad experiences.

    Congrats on doing well on the quiz, and good luck with the grades for the test.

Notes: Thanks for reading folks! Drop me a line, tell me how you like my fic. Constructive Criticism would be greatly appreciated, as well as encouragements. Heck, flames me if you feel the need. 


	17. Revelations and Rash decisions

                                                                                    **Loss**

                                                                          By BlackPotterGrl 

       **Chapter XVII- Revelations and Rash decisions**

    After another two days of sleeping, laying in bed, and failed escape attempts, Harry felt well enough to go back to classes, as most do when they are stir crazy from lying in bed for extreme amounts of time. His voice returned soon after, so he was no longer playing charades when he needed to use the bathroom. 

While Remus wasn't the most enforcing person in the world, he insisted that Harry should stay in bed, and that if he needed anything, he should just ask for it. Harry found that easier said then done. He found it unusual how Remus always seemed to know when Harry was trying to get something for himself. When he was allowed out of bed, it was only to sit in the living room which wasn't much better than his makeshift bedroom, other then the change of scenery, and when he was allowed, he had to be helped, or carried. 

In his opinion, he was completely well by that Friday, but Sirius told him that he had to stay in Sirius's little apartment the weekend before he would be allowed to leave. He moaned and groaned at being stuck inside all weekend, but logically, it made sense. He was only being shut up inside because if he wondered around the school, there would be an epidemic going around. 

Friday past agonizingly slow, and when Sirius finally came back from classes, Remus bid them both a goodbye, as he probably wouldn't see them for a while. Harry would miss having him around, as Remus had really grown on him over the past few days. While he had always been a very good teacher, Harry noticed that he didn't seem as very cautious about everything now. He was more relaxed and more keen on goofing off. It could have been from being around Sirius, who was always very lively and had that affect on people. It was entertaining watching Sirius and Remus go at it, making one sarcastic remark after another, though it would be tragic if aimed toward him.

He found he should have listened to Sirius's advice about the homework, as Snape had given a truckload of it. He guessed that he would have been expected to complete it anyway though, so it was better that he got it done before he was overwhelmed with it. The lack of Defense homework helped a lot, and he was able to finish his Charms and Transfiguration homework on schedule. History of Magic was a whole different story. Professor Murphy, who he acknowledged to himself as a variety of offensive terms, didn't seem to be a very good teacher. She didn't lecture the students like Professor Binns had, preferring to assign them a number of pages to read, and a class work assignment, which was to be completed for homework if it wasn't done in class. The next day there would be a quiz to see if they did it. That was the curriculum for the whole year.

While doing homework, Remus often helped him do some of it, with the exception of Potions. He commented that it was a very poor system of teaching that really didn't require a teacher at all. Harry had to bite back a smirk at that. He guessed that Remus was still unaware that Sirius was seeing the girl. He still had his doubts about the whole thing. It could have been a coincidence, though Harry almost denied the very idea of it. What were the chances that she wasn't the same woman? And the way his godfather had been talking to her made him very sure about it. 

The weekend was spent trying to figure out things to occupy himself, while Sirius tried to help, but failed. He would say stuff like, "Want to play Quidditch? Oh no, sorry, you can't.", though his intention wasn't to be cruel. 

Harry was angered when Sirius would go off to do something while leaving him confined inside, wandering throughout the spare bedroom he was in to the living room, and the makeshift kitchen, without anything to do. Though Sirius claimed that he had gone to talk to Dumbledore with some hastiness, he sometimes wondered if that was what he was really up to. 

He was sitting on the couch, reading a muggle book that Sunday when Sirius walked in, looking as if he was being forced to go on a picnic with Snape. "What's a matter?" Harry asked, genuinely concerned. 

"Harry, I want to have a talk with you. Sit down." Sirius smirked sheepishly as he realized Harry was already in a seated position. "Never mind." 

 "Are you all right Sirius? You feel sick?" Harry's eyebrows were furrowed as he tried to interpret Sirius actions. His face turned to dreadfulness as he came across one possibility. "You aren't going to trying to give me 'the talk' are you?" he asked laughing nervously. "Because-"

Sirius cut him off with rashness. "No! No, I don't want to talk about that. I mean, if you… Never mind. Listen, um…" Harry wondered if he was trying to tell him about his girlfriend. 

"What?" 

"Harry, I've known about this for a little while now, and Dumbledore told me that it would probably be best if I told you. I've been putting it off for a while. With that whole, erm… situation, and with Ron captured, then missing, there was never a really good time to tell you this, so forgive me for not telling you sooner."

Sirius proceeded to explain to him about Trelawny's prophecy, Voldemort discovering half of it, and Dumbledore's interpretation of it and what that meant he was responsible for. 

When he finished, Harry wasn't sure how to respond. He was responsible for Voldemort's demise? He had to murder or be murdered? He stared at Sirius blankly, with unseeing eyes, and he knew he had little, if any, blood in his face. His breathing came quicker, and his pulse quickened. He didn't notice Sirius put his hand on his shoulder as he began to panic from not being able to breath properly. He didn't noticed Sirius next to him, calling out his name, or his attempts to calm him down. He felt Sirius put paper bag in his hand, and he held it over his mouth, trying to calm himself down. It took about five minutes to get his breathing back to normal, and by this point, Sirius had conjured up a cup of tea, and put some calming potion in it to help him.

"Harry, calm down. I know this must be a bit overwhelming for you. Heck, I reacted almost the same way when I found out. Just take even breaths. It'll be all right. Relax." Sirius was very unconvincing with his nervous voice doing a bad job of trying to sooth him. 

Sirius pulled him into a hug, but Harry remained completely stiff and didn't respond at all. He remained staring forward, glassy-eyed, with an expression of horror. "Harry? Harry, say something." Sirius sounded very concerned.  Sirius waved his hands in front of his face trying to get a reaction out of him. Harry slowly looked up at him with horror. 

"No." He whispered. "But- I don't want to be responsible for that! I don't want to have to kill him. I mean, I know it's my fault that he's back, and I know that I'm to blame for this whole thing, but I don't want to be the one who does it Sirius. Please. Not me." Harry said in what he knew to be an immature and childish tone. He sounded like a five year old who didn't want to clean up his room, but at this point, he didn't care. He found he had to squash the urge to run and hide under the covers in his bed. 

Sirius had flinched at these words. He raked his hands through his hair in desperation as he searched for the right words. "Harry, listen to me. This was never your fault. Yes, you are the only one who has the ability to kill him, but… just because you can do it, doesn't mean that it was ever your fault. Harry, you have a great power in you. You have the power of love and kindness that Voldemort will never know. I know it might sound really corny, but you are a symbol of that, and for that reason, you can kill him. Because your mother's sacrifice runs through your blood. Voldemort will never know that. You- you have to believe that love will triumph over evil." 

Harry didn't know how he was supposed to react to that. 

"I wish more then anyone else that it didn't have to be you. No matter what the wizard world thinks, you're still a kid. And you're my godson. But in spite of that, I know you can do it." Harry was still speechless, and as he sat there, still trying to absorb these words, he suddenly realized that Sirius was on the verge of crying. His eyes were watery, but Harry could tell he was trying to hide it, if not just to show Harry that he had faith in him. Harry, however, was still recovering from the shock of what he had found out to react to it at all. 

He made an attempt, if not for his own benefit, "Please… don't- don't cry Sirius. Don't-" but Sirius just turned away from him to hide his face. 

"I'm sorry, Har. I just… wish you didn't have to have this to deal with. You have so much going on in your life right now, and… you shouldn't have to be going through all of this. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have told you so soon." Sirius told him.

Under any normal circumstances, Harry would have been angry that Sirius had kept this from him for so long, but at this point, he almost wished that Sirius had waited later to tell him. He knew it would be best to know this, but he felt like he was suffocating from everything he had to bare through. This was like another rope around his throat squeezing the air out of his lungs. "Why is it always me?" he whimpered in a barely audible voice. 

"Don't know, kid." Sirius said. "I guess because you're the one who can handle it." Sirius said his hand tightening on his shoulder. 

Harry brought his head down the pillow and muttered into it "I don't want to handle it. For once, I don't want to be the strong one." 

Sirius brought his arm around Harry's shoulder, and pulled him from the pillow up against him. "It isn't a matter of wanting be strong or not, you are or you aren't able to handle something. And you're one of the strongest people I know."

________

Harry returned to Gryffindor later that day. He dragged himself through the common room entrance barely looking where he was going from all the thoughts racing through his head. He didn't notice when he ran straight into Ginny. "Oh, your back Gin?" Harry asked her absentmindedly. 

"Yeah, mum sent us all back to school. Didn't want us to go, but she knew we would have a backache from all the homework that we would have to lug back here." Ginny seemed resentful, and Harry wondered if she was aiming it toward him or her mother. "So, you've had the flu? Guess you haven't seen Hermione in a while then, huh?" 

"No, not since the first day of school. I can't get near her. Might give my virus to her, and that might cause an epidemic."

"Yeah, well, she didn't have a very good week. I mean, she didn't have anyone to talk to at all. Me and the twins had our parents, and you had Sirius, but Hermione was all alone. She didn't even have me." 

Harry felt a pang of sympathy for her. He knew he shouldn't feel responsible for Hermione not having anyone. He didn't have any control over him getting ill. He had to shake the thoughts of guilt out of his head.  "You should go and see her." Ginny told her.

"Yeah, sure. Where is she?" 

"Probably her dorm. I'll go get her if you want me to."

Ginny came down with a supportive arm around Hermione, who looked completely horrible. Her hair was in a tangled mess. Her eyes were bloodshot, and underneath they were red rimmed mixed with her already heavy bags. She looked at him blurrily, like she only just recognized him, and he gave her a weak attempt at a smile. "Hey Hermione. How have you been holding up." Two seconds after he said he realized his fault. "Stupid question. I shouldn't have asked."

"Harry?" She sounded like she was extremely drowsy, or really drugged up. She suddenly launched herself at him and clung to him. "I didn't know where you went Harry. You just disappeared… just like Ron!" He shot a pleading look at Ginny. Hermione was in one hell of a mental state. 

"Come on Hermione. Lets sit down. Right here on the couch. It's all right. Harry isn't going anywhere. Just let… _go_… Hermione! Let go of Harry's arm. That's good. Just sit down." Ginny had to pry Hermione's hand off of his arm, and lead her forcefully to the couch. She seemed to regain some of her senses there.

"Oh, I'm sorry Harry. I've just been having a really hard week. Everyone was gone, I didn't have anyone to go to. Ron could be anywhere. I've had a horrible time. I didn't even go to class this week! And I've got all that homework to make up, along with the homework that we have regularly. And we have our OWLs this year so I have to start studying more, and…" Harry put an arm on her shoulder to stop her from going on.

"Hermione! Calm down! It's nothing to get hysterical over okay? The teachers know we're having a rough time, so they'll probably ease up on the homework, and Sirius will probably excuse you from it if you're having a hard time this week. You can copy Charms and Transfiguration homework from me, and we can do our Potions homework together. It's all going to be fine." He said in a calming voice.

"Really? You did it all already?" Hermione began breathing evenly. "Thanks a lot Harry. It's nice to have you back. Where were you?"

"I was sick. I had the flu. Really bad case of it too. I couldn't let you get near me or anything, cause you might get it." He explained to her about why he had the virus, and certain people could get it, and others couldn't. 

"So I received our schedules. Tomorrow, we have Transfiguration, Charms, and Care of Magical Creatures. We don't have Defense against the Dark Arts until Wednesday, and then we get bombarded on Thursday with a double potions and History of Magic. I heard that class is brutal. I mean, History was always bad, but now it's even worse. No time for you to sleep anymore Harry. We do work all period." Harry let out an audible groan, though Harry wasn't really all that bothered by the fact that he couldn't sleep in class, but just because he didn't want to have to deal with this _woman _who didn't know how to teach, and was dating _his_ godfather. He was his godfather before he was her boyfriend. Honestly!

"It'll be alright. I'm going to start doing my work from now on. No _really_ Hermione! I am!" He scowled at her doubtful look. "Thank you so much for the support." Halfway through his declaration she had coughed something that sounded a bit like 'pipe dream'.

"Sorry Harry. Just a little hard to believe that you're just going to up and change your ways. What happened? Did you lose a bet?" 

'No, I found out that I'm the one who has to kill the worst dark lord on the face of the Earth.' He scowled. If she knew what he knew, she wouldn't be so eager to joke. He resolved that he couldn't tell her. He didn't think he could tell anybody. If they knew what the end of the prophecy said they were at serious risk. 'Hell! Hermione's already at serious risk. The fact that she knows what she does already is enough to get her captured. _Just like Ron.'_ He didn't want her to end up with the fate Ron did.

That was another thing. Despite everything Sirius had ever tried drumming into his head, he still believed that ultimately, he was the cause of Ron's catastrophe. Why else would he have been captured? What else had he been questioned about besides his whereabouts? Nothing. If Ron was captured and tortured for information, couldn't Hermione be? He didn't think he could tolerate that happening. And Hermione was muggleborn! That made her an even bigger target. 

The more this information registered to him, the more the realization became clear that Hermione was not safe being his friend. Not safe at all. That meant only one thing. She couldn't be friends with him. 

"No Hermione… no bet. I- I have to go. Go to lunch. I am really hungry." He told her.

"Well, I'm really in no fit state to leave the common room. Bring me back something will you? I'm a bit hungry.

"Yeah, I… guess."

He went down, realizing this was really the first public appearance he was making since Ron's predicament was announce. He had been informed that an announcement had been made to Gryffindor tower, though he was certain it had traveled around to the school by now. He knew by the way people from Hufflepuff and Ravenclaw came up to him stating their sympathy for his friend along with Gryffindors. People he didn't even know where coming up to him with an "I'm so sorry about Ron, Harry." Like they were one of his friends. 

One comment wasn't welcome at all, not that any where. "Who are you going to kill off next Potter? Your little mudblood friend? Black's at greater risk through association with you. How's it feel to put your friends on a hit list?" He knew it was Malfoy. The problem was, it was true.

The last straw was when Professor McGonagal came up to him to 'condole him for his loss'. Not wanting to be extremely rude, he politely excused himself from the situation and fled to Gryffindor. He just didn't want to deal with people right now. Everything had piled up on him. He now had to deal with Ron's disappearance, keeping Hermione safe from himself, and the fact that Voldemort's demise was now his responsibility.

He found himself almost hiding in his dorm for most of the weekend. He found that Neville spent almost the entire weekend in the dorm as well, though that was probably because there was nothing Neville had to do, him not really having many friends to hang out with. Though Harry could say the same about himself now.

He found Neville was a pleasant companion when he had nothing to do but hide. He didn't shoot him pitying looks, but more understanding looks, like saying without speaking that he knew how Harry was feeling. On occasion, Harry would sneak out to the library and take out some muggle books to read for boredoms sake. 

He decided that now that he really had no more social interruptions, now was the perfect time to start studying and researching useful spells. He was expected to defeat Voldemort. He wasn't going to be able to do it with a fifth year magical education, so it was probably best to keep himself prepared. He read up on spells, jinxes, and powerful hexes that he knew would probably do no good against Voldemort, but would be a good thing to know in case there was ever a dire situation.  

To his relief, the weekend ended quickly, and he started classes again. Hermione was ignored at all opportunities, if he could avoid her. He did all of his potions homework by himself and merely gave it to her to copy instead of doing it with her as they had agreed to. He had hoped that giving Hermione the cold shoulder would work, but he should have guessed it wouldn't. He didn't want to go to the measures he knew he would have to go to.

During breakfast that Monday, Harry quickly squeezed himself into a group of 7th years who looked at him oddly, but resumed their conversations. Hermione was forced to sit down the table with the rest of their year as there was no more space near him. 

Monday was only slightly difficult. He surprised his teachers by turning in all of his missed homework on time. When classes finished, Professor McGonagal and Professor Flickwit told him that he and Hermione were excused from the homework for that week, but he politely refused. He was going to need all the help he could get in those subjects, as they dealt with things he would probably need in a fight. He actually read his textbooks, and even the pages that weren't assigned to him. He mastered spells that he really wasn't expected to learn so early. The subject he worked hardest in improving in was Potions, as he knew he was going to have to work twice as hard just to pass that class. 

Monday, after classes were over, he got out of talking with Hermione by having a nice long chat with Hagrid. 

"That godfather o' yers treatin' ya okay now?" He had asked concernedly. He had, of course, responded in the affirmative. He seemed eager to know how he was holding up; the subject of Ron never mentioned, but his name hanging in between them in the air.

He went back to the common room, and found Hermione studying. He snuck out of it to the library to do his work. Later at diner, Hermione sat next to him dinner. 

He knew she hadn't taken the hint when she tried to make polite conversation with him. He hated himself for what he knew he had to do, but he didn't let it show on his face. He just repeated to himself that, overall, it was for her own good. It was for her own good! It was! He just had to get himself to believe that. 

"So, Harry. What's happening?"

He didn't respond. 

"How about those creatures Hagrid brought into class today? Weren't they something? Harry?" She called his name as if he was just zoning off, but he was positive that she knew he was ignoring her. 

"How about that Transfiguration homework? Sure was something, wasn't it?" She was desperate for him to talk to her. 

He sucked in his breath inconspicuously, as he knew she would be watching his movements intently. 'This is for her own good. This is for her own good' he repeated as if a mantra. He turned his head slowly. "Hermione, will you please leave me alone?" He inwardly cringed at how cruel his voice sounded, though he know it made his act better. "You are grating my nerves and I don't feel like putting up with you anymore. Stay out of my way, and stop bothering me!"

Most of his table had stopped talking, and watched how Hermione would react. Tears filled her eyes, and Harry almost lost his willpower, and apologized to her, but he held steadfast an intimidating look on his face. He knew that she swallowed it when her hand came in contact with is jaw. He had expected no less. She ran from the hall crying. Half the hall was looking right at him. 

He restricted himself from rubbing his sore cheek and gulped down the remainder of his meal. He then stood up and headed for the library. Almost every eye in the hall followed his actions. 

_______

    He walked into Sirius's class feeling relaxed. Finally somebody who on his side. Since Monday night, people had been coming up to him, telling him that he was an asshole for doing what he did to poor Hermione. The only person who hadn't told him off for his actions was Neville, who just looked at with raised eyebrows. His dorm mates told him off when he got back that night, pitying Hermione. Only Neville hadn't assaulted him with a pillow on his entry. When he had gone down to breakfast the next day, anyone he sat next to moved away to another seat. It seemed even the teachers were giving him mean looks, but he was certain they didn't know about what had happened to him and Hermione.

He sat at an empty table in the middle of the room, and nobody sat down at it with him. He didn't show any disappointment at that. No one but Hermione would have anyway. 

Sirius walked into the classroom, and there was a collective sigh, though not in the negative sense. He noticed it seemed to sound feminine. He found himself snickering, along with some other boys. Sirius however didn't seem to notice. "Morning everyone." He spouted, not even looking at them.

"Morning Professor." Every girl in the class said, along with some boys. His 'Morning Sirius' that was accidental, was lost in voices. That brought on a question. What was he to call Sirius now? Professor? Sirius? 'Professor Black' he resolved. 

He sat in his comfortable looking leather chair, and swung back and forth on the base. "I told you all. You can call me Sirius." There was a small mumble of discussion on the subject. 

"Okay." He said putting emphasis on the o. "Today we're going to learn about the tongue tipping spell. This spell will cause a person to reveal what they are thinking. Don't be tempted to use this on an everyday basis. If teachers find out you've used this spell outside class, you will be in serious trouble. Its use is monitored by the ministry. It's used in dark magic when someone is withholding information. Obviously, when being questioned about something, you're thinking about the answer. The spell can be blocked without the use of a wand, by strong mental willpower. 

"You don't need the willpower you need when using the imperious curse, and the spell is not normally used because most can block it, but you need to learn how to." Sirius explain to them as they took notes on it. They partnered up to practice performing and blocking the spell. 

"Dean with Seamus. Parvati with Lavender. Hermione with H-." Harry shook his head frantically, and shot him a pleading look. "Neville" But as he called the rest of the names his eyes remained questioningly on Harry. It was a lucky thing for him that the class had an uneven number, as he knew whoever was paired with him would probably make a scene and groan and complain, and he didn't feel like dealing with that. 

"Come here Harry." He thanked the heavens that Sirius didn't say, 'You can be my partner.' "You're going to see me after class, kid." He said. "I really don't think that you need any practice blocking the spell. Think you can cast it on me?" 

Harry muttered the spell, knowing that Sirius wouldn't say anything. He was right. "You keep trying that one." For the rest of the class, Harry tried to cast the spell, knowing he would never be able to. "That's alright, Harry. The important thing is that you can block the spell. You'll never have the reason to use it anyway." He said. 

The class ran without interruption, besides the whole class bursting into laughter when one girl was unable to block the curse in time, and uttered "Professor Black is really hot." out loud. If Sirius heard this, he didn't comment, but Harry saw him duck down to tie his shoe to hide his flaming checks. 

After class, Harry found himself standing awkwardly in front of Sirius's desk. They had fifteen minutes before break was over and the students would start pouring in. Sirius agreed to write him a note. 

"What's going on with you and Hermione? And why doesn't anyone seem to like you… at all." Sirius asked him.

"Gee, you're quite the tactful one, aren't you?" Harry said sarcastically, with a hint of nastiness. 

"And you're quite the social one. Come one Harry, I'm serious. You and Hermione have been best friends since your first year. What's going on?" 

"We just had a falling out, alright? Nothing much else to say; we just aren't friends anymore." He was extremely glad that Sirius hadn't been in the great hall for dinner Monday night. The teachers table had been too far away for anyone to hear about their 'quarrel', and the students certainly would share this information with any of the teachers.

"And this wouldn't have anything to do with the fact that you don't want Hermione to have the same fate as Ron, so you're pushing her away?" 

Harry had to hide his amazement at Sirius's perceptiveness. "No. I don't know what you're talking about." Harry managed to keep his face confused. 

"You know, I had anticipated the 'advice on women' speech, and the 'I just got dumped and I feel like shit' speech, but I guess I should have planned a 'the dark lord after my arse is messing up my social life' speech." Sirius said, running a hand through his chin-length black hair. 

"Really, Sirius, that has nothing to do with it. It's totally separate from that." Harry began thinking of reason why they were fighting, as he knew that Sirius's next question would be that. He wasn't disappointed.

"She… uh…" He didn't know if the lie he was about to tell would be better or worse then the truth. "See, she was mad at me because I wouldn't let her copy my homework, and I swear, if you laugh I'll walk out of here. So anyway, she got mad at me, and one thing led to another and… we started shouting at each other, and she… she said some… stuff. About me. And… Ron. She thinks that it's my fault. She tried to apologize, but I won't accept. Not after knowing that's how she really feels." He said.

"Oh, Harry. I'm sorry. You must feel awful!" Sirius looked at him concernedly, and pulled him into an undeserved hug. He felt like an asshole. He had dumped his best friend for seemingly no reason, he had lied to his Godfather and blamed it on her, and was being comforted for doing all those things. It was just… if he told Sirius what he said, he didn't think he would be able to stand the look of disappointment from Sirius. And if he gave him his reasoning, he would just get the same old speech about Ron's…predicament not being his fault, and his right to have friends. 

But he knew that Sirius really just wanted to keep him a child as long as possible. He supposed that he was right. He should be acting like a fifteen-year-old boy would instead of doing the mature and responsible thing and sacrificing himself to do it. He needed to stop doing things that he thought would be in peoples best interests, and start thinking about whether or not they wanted that. But he couldn't do that. He was Harry Potter. He had to put people's lives before his own pleasure, just as anybody did. He didn't think he could live if Hermione was killed because of him. Like they said, get you once, shame on them, get you twice, shame on you.

Not wanting to be rude, and have himself interrogated anymore, he let Sirius hug him for a few seconds before he pulled away. "Sirius, don't say anything about this to anyone. Please? Especially not to Hermione. I want to handle this my own way." 'And if you talk to her, she'll tell you the truth.'

"Yeah. Of course Harry. But that doesn't explain why everyone else in class seems to be giving you the cold shoulder." Sirius asked him in, thankfully, not suspicion, but bewilderment. 

Harry was at a loss. He didn't know what to say. "Really? You think so? I didn't notice." 

Sirius looked at him with skepticism, and he raised his head to the ceiling in thanks when Sirius's next class began to pile into the classroom. He was quickly scrawled a note, and giving a small but meaningful glance as if to say, 'We'll talk later. And you can count on it.'

Harry left the classroom feeling utterly uptight. His guilt mounting on his shoulders as he tried to count all the lies he was going to have to keep tract of and put on an act for. Surprisingly, feeling the exact opposite of how he had been before he came to class. 

**End Chapter XVII- Revelations and Rash decisions**

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End Notes: Hey! How was that chapter? Good? Bad? _Late_? Well, yeah, but that's because I'm incredibly slow when it comes to writing. Sorry. Ok, so I know, the ultimate cliché makes it way into my fic, right? As far as I know, know one has taken this angle before. If someone knows of a circumstance where this has happened, tell me please. Thanks. 

I know that the beginning of the chapter where Sirius told him was a bit corny. Okay, it was extremely corny. Sorry. I just thought that had Harry not been completely distraught over Sirius, and over the circumstances of that night, he probably would have reacted like that.

As you'll soon see, some of the things that happened in OotP will be in my fic. Somethings that didn't happen, and shouldn't be happening in my fic will show up. Like the fact that Hagrid didn't go see the giants, and that Harry is prefect and Ron isn't. I'm sorry. I wasn't thinking when I included stuff from OotP in my fic. I wish I could change that, but I can't, since the future of the plot includes it, and some stuff just can't be changed.

If I didn't mention it before, I'm planning out the sequel to this fic. It's looking promising, though more angsty and depressing then Loss, which is saying something in my opinion.

Responses to reviews:

GoldenGirl2: Well, it's always reassuring to know that at least someone is reading, and I am not one to judge on mental states. You get all kinds.

A.Dee: What did I respond to in an email? Well, if I didn't, then I will later. But anyway… So how is life? Did you win your election thingy? I really hope so, cause you deserve to win. Been so busy, I haven't been writing many emails. What do you have to say about my opinion of Peter? I kind of feel bad because the only one who really made any effort to examine Peter thoroughly and unbiased – Morgan D – no one agrees with. I mean, she does have some good points. He must have been decent at some point… right?

Can't think of what else to say. My brain's fried. I'm writing this at 12:30 at night, and I don't have access to the archive of letters and conversations because my timer ran out. Right while I was reading a story too. Email me. ^-^

Sailoranime: Hey, I tormented you with puke in my stories. You can return the favor. Hmm. Can I tell you that? Will it give away too much plot? Ahh. All right. No, the brunette is not brainwashing him. Well… it's kind of hard to explain. You'll probably see. 

Amy: Thanks for that kind review. 

Wolverinas-moon: Hi. Thanks for that nice review. Yeah, I really like the idea of Sirius and Remus kidnapping Harry for a trip to the zoo too. Isn't baby Harry/Sirius cute? I'll try to add more of those scenes. I'm sorry that Professor Murphy doesn't make a physical appearance, but you hear a lot about her. And there were many cute Harry/Sirius scenes either, really. I have a really great 'Harry feeling neglected' event that I think is going to be pretty heart wrenching if I write it right. The end will definitely not be as bad as OotP, I can guarantee.

Blueberrie: Sorry it took so long. Thanks for your review.

Katani Petitedra: Thank you.

Lt. Jaina Solo Fel: Yes of course. It was only a one-time thing. Thanks for you review.

Gaul1: thanks… I think.

siriussexysk8rgirl: Wow! What a flattering review. Yeah, I thought of doing that too. It just didn't seem to fit it in with where the story was going to go. And plus, I can't think of a way to get Remus to be in the story permanently, and I don't think that they could really bond through letters. I'll try to put him in more though. I like Harry/Remus interaction. I think it's cute. Ok, here is a hint: Birds always fly in groups, because you never lose your way when you're with friends. Did you like that? I made it up myself. If you think about it for almost five minutes, it starts to make you think. Things like, is BlackPotterGrl completely insane? And, what the heck is she talking about? Sorry. Can't give you a real hint. 

Anifan 1: Yes, I'm planning on doing some more of those scenes. Though Sirius had a bad childhood himself, so what the Dursleys did to Harry is nothing compared to what Sirius's parents did to him. But there will be more 'Sirius getting upset over Harry's bad childhood.' Thanks for your review.

Alastormadeyemoody51: Gee, when you put it that way, it sounds really bad, doesn't it? I don't think Harry's going to starve from having to eat soup all the time. Trust me, I'm _not_ killing off Sirius. He'll live. Ron however… thanks for your review.

Amaryllis: I'll see what I can do for you. Harry's fine. It was just flu. Ron though… thanks for reviewing.  

Star-prancer: Wow! You put me on your favorites list after the first chapter? That's awesome. Really boosts up the self-esteem. I thought my first chapter was crap though. I'm going to re-write it at some point. I loved that phrase: I only like him [Peter] in fics when he's in pain. Hehe. I'm with you. I liked the last chapter too. Thanks for reviewing.

Blackenedsoul: Can't say. But don't you think it makes for a great plot scheme? I mean, sadistic cruelness to a character aside, it creates a lot of angst. I'm only telling you this because from reading your own fanfiction, you're like the queen of angst. Love your story by the way. Hope you update it.

    Authors Note: Thanks again for reading. Please review this story and tell me how you like it. Please.


	18. Homework and History Class

                                                                                    **Loss**

                                                                          By BlackPotterGrl 

       **Chapter XVIII- Homework and History Class**

    Walking out of Professor Murphy's class, Harry's head was spinning. He was going to have a boat load of homework this week because during the forty-five minutes of work they were supposed to do was spent reevaluating his life. 

He had walked into the classroom ready to sit down and send inconspicuous glares at Murphy for the period. She walked into the room, surveyed the class with a stern look and said "Well class, today you are to read from page 33 to page 52. You can start your assignment by giving me a three foot summary of what you read, and then you can answer questions 50 to 84 in the back of your books. No talking." 

You could almost hear the class groaning loudly in their heads. "Mr. Potter. Please see me at my desk at the end of the period." 

He clicked his tongue, and it seemed to echo through the room. Why was everyone so silent? He assumed they got more work when they talked. 

He flipped his book open to the right page and began making a horrible attempt at trying to read. The book was huge, the pages were thin, and the print was tiny. He could tell that it was going to be a long long year. 

He had an equally troubling problem. Besides the fact that she was a horrible teacher and gave out way too much homework, he found nothing wrong with Professor Murphy. She was dating his Godfather, and he didn't like it. Beyond the denial he was in, he wanted some reason why Sirius shouldn't be going out with her. 

He spent the rest of the period watching her. She had picked up some sort of Wizard romance novel, as far as he could tell. He snickered. Its title, _Frolicking Among the Fairies_, suggested that Wizard authors should stick to writing non-fiction. 

On his mental list for why he hated Professor Murphy, things weren't looking good at all. 1. She's dating Sirius. MY godfather. 2. … he blanked. 

Nothing physical stood out to him. She had pretty blondish-brown hair, and she looked attractive enough. He guessed at the opening feast, he had overlooked that. 

Besides the fact that she gave horrible loads of homework, and was an atrocious teacher, he really didn't know anything about her. As far as he could tell, he stared at her the whole period long. With no friends, he had no one to wake him up and tell him to get to work. 

He was shocked out of thought when the bell rang and he remembered half way to the door that he had to go see 'the woman' himself. He stood in front of the desk. 

"You wanted to see me?" He made it painfully obvious that his teeth were clenched, though it wasn't intentional. He forcefully pried them open.

"Yes." She looked at a sheet on her desk. "Potter." She looked at him meaningfully, but her expression wasn't that of kindness. "You missed class last week. Your _godfather_ picked up your homework, but you didn't hand it in. Why not?"

He hated the way her voice seemed to get an octave higher when she said godfather. In truth he had put his History homework off until last night, at which time he had fallen asleep soon after completing his Potions homework. He hadn't had a chance to do it. "Well, I've had a difficult week. I've had a lot of homework to make up."

"You had last week to make up your other homework, and all this week as well. What was the problem?" Her voice was grating his nerves. It was sweet, as though they were talking about how great the weather had been.

"Well, I was running a fever of 106 at one point." 

"Very well Potter. Turn it in next week for half of the credit."

He could feel his eye twitch compulsively as he turn to walk out of the classroom. He hoped she wasn't watching him because his shoulders were shaking with suppressed frustration. He assumed he was quite a sight to poor Professor Flickwit who stared at him with a nervous look on his face; his shoulders  shaking, his eye twitching and a satisfied smile on his face, as he mentally added number two to his list. She's a BITCH!

_______

He was sure he was sight. That weekend he found himself floundering in the horrible loads of homework he needed to do. Transfiguration and Charms wasn't too extreme. Divination was difficult but wasn't really anything to worry about, and Care of magical creatures was a breeze. All of these things didn't bother him at all. But when you added them all up, you had a mound of homework. They didn't even hold a candle to the Potions and History homework his had. 

After finding out that he had done all of the homework that had been assigned the previous week, Snape had told him that since he hadn't been in class he should do extra work to catch up on it. 

Sirius had given him a note from Hedwig that he didn't have to do any of the homework. He really wanted to do it, as he felt like he was taking advantage of his godfather working as Defense teacher. Well Snape would surely think so if he found out. 

He found another surprise later. As he was eating breakfast, and being ignored by almost everybody, he saw a flash of white as the owl post arrived. As far as he knew, he was the only person in Hogwarts to own a white owl, so expected Hedwig to land on his shoulder.  He watched her swoop down in front of Sirius and stick her leg out for him to open a letter. A _pink_ letter. He watched as his godfather read what it had to say and turned as pink as the parchment. 

Him and Professor Murphy shared an intimate look. 

His mouth dropped open as Hedwig flew away, not even giving him a look. Hedwig was his only friend left in the world, and now she was conspiring against him, delivering love notes between _her_ and Sirius. Why couldn't Sirius get his own owl? He felt too sick to finish his breakfast. 

When it ended, he met Sirius at the door. It was a weekend so they would have plenty of time to talk. "Sirius, what was up with that letter?"

"Hmm?" He looked ill at ease. "I didn't think you would mind if I used Hedwig. I mean, between the two of us, we don't get much mail, so I was wondering if I could use her as well."

He couldn't say no. How would he go about it? 'Sorry Sirius, even though no one except Hagrid will ever send me a letter, I don't want you using her.'

He swallowed. "Yeah. Sure." 'Just wish you would have asked.'

Besides that, his weekend pretty much consisted of library visits, reading and studying. 

Monday was difficult. He had finished his Transfiguration homework over the weekend, mostly because it was due the soonest, and it was the easiest. He realized how much he had had taken advantage of Hermione throughout his years at Hogwarts. Now maintaining excellent grades without any help whatsoever was suddenly a huge task. 

He had to spend a while finishing his Divination homework that night, and didn't make much of dent in his Potions homework. He was going to need to spend an all-nighter to complete those. 

He woke in horror on Wednesday to find that he had four pimples on his face. Two on his forehead, one on his chin, and – worst (and biggest)of all – one smack dab right in the middle of his nose. Dean walked into the bathroom to see him staring in horror at his complexion and burst into hysterical laughter. 

He didn't get pimples. Ever. He washed his face every night. He stayed away from greasy foods. His mother or father never had pimples; He had even asked Sirius. What did he do to deserve this?  What was he going to do? He couldn't go outside like this. He couldn't! He rushed to the pile of books that where on his trunk. 'Cover up spells! Cover up spells!' He finally found a potion, but it would take three hours to prepare!" 

He was going to have to go to classes like this! 

Breakfast he kept his head down in his food. He didn't eat anything that was remotely greasy. He had scrubbed his face three times after getting dressed that morning and he didn't know what else to do to help. 

He sat down in Defense class not looking at anything. He sat at the first empty table he saw and looked down at the desk. He didn't mean to fall asleep during Sirius's lecture about a spell he had already mastered, but he hadn't gotten more then eleven hours of sleep between then and Sunday. 

He felt a tapping on his shoulder but he didn't want to get up. "Harry?"

"Go way Ron." His voice groggy. 

"Harry! Get up." He recognized Sirius's voice. He looked up with confusion to realize he had slept through most of class. The class was laughing at him as well. When they had stopped he frantically searched for an excuse. He pretended to pick something up with his index finger. 

"Oh! Here's my contact." He said, looking at the bare finger. 

"Really? You lost your contact? Interesting. Maybe you need to get a new glasses prescription if you need to wear contacts and glasses at the same time. " He said as he took off Harry's glasses and waved them around for emphasis. 

Harry let the class laugh for a good fifteen seconds. His face going red to match the pimples.

"I wasn't going to say anything about it, but… that was such a bad excuse! See me for your detention after class." The whole class did that annoying oohing that they did when anyone got in trouble. 

He could have cried and everyone in his class knew it. They had all seen him sitting at his table in the corner of Gryffindor almost breaking the desk from the weight of all the books on it. They knew he had extra homework. A couple hundred pounds of it that was due tomorrow. He was going to have t skip dinner, and sleeping for that mater to catch up on it.  He would have no time to brew the potion.

He finished the written assignment for the class and when the bell rang he walked sullenly to the front of the class. "Dae Ja Vu?" Sirius asked him. He replied with a glare. "Harry, what's going on? And… are those pimples?" 

"No Sirius, they're places I forgot to put sunscreen." He said scathingly. 

"Really? Because it's not-"

"That was sarcasm." 

"Oh. But anyway, what's going on? Why were you sleeping in class? Particularly my class?" 

"Because we where working with blood-sucking plants in Herbology." Harry was growing annoyed with Sirius constant insistence to know every single aspect of his life. "I don't know Sirius. Because I'm a teenager. That's what we do. We stay up all night, never do our homework, and sleep in class. Just ask Snape. He seems to have the measure of me." He said all of his spitefully. But even at his godfathers shocked look, he didn't stop glaring. 

"Well, see me at seven tonight for your detention." He didn't seem nasty, he just seemed let down.

Maybe it was the sleep deprivation, or possibly that he was angry over Sirius embarrassing him in front of the whole class but he really didn't care about the fact that Sirius was feeling so disappointed in him. 

He was informed that Quidditch practices would start next Friday, and for the first time ever, when he was told, he sighed. Fred, who had told him, widened his eyes. 

"You don't want to play Quidditch?" he asked. 

The Weasleys twins were the only ones besides Neville who weren't malicious toward him. The first time they saw him after his 'feud' with Hermione, they had given him a weird look but hadn't said anything about it. 

Ginny on the other hand had blown up at him in the middle of the common room for everyone to see. "WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU THINKING POTTER? YOU DON'T JUST GO AROUND DUMPING YOUR FRIENDS! ESPECIALY NOW WHEN HERMIONE IS GOING THROUGH SO MUCH, YOU JUST GO AND DO THAT TO HER?" She kicked him in his shin extremely hard. He had excused himself rather hastily and locked himself in his dorm room. 

"Yeah, I want to and everything. It's just… with all the homework I've got… Uh!"

Fred just shook his head.

He worked twice as hard, and twice as hastily as he normally would on his potions homework, and by the time he had to go for detention, he still had at least five hours worth of homework left to do. 

He knocked on Sirius's office door feeling bad about what he had said earlier. He felt dead on his feat, but he forced himself to look alert in front of Sirius. He didn't want Sirius to find out about him having such hard time, though he was pretty sure Sirius was going to find out, if not from his teachers. 

"Come in Harry." Sirius called. He sat down across from him. 

"Look Sirius. I'm sorry I blew up at you today." He was having a hard time keeping the drowsiness out of his voice. 

"Harry, I really want to know what is going on with you. I mean, the reason I took his job was so that I could watch out for you." He said in a voice so concerned Harry almost felt bad thinking to himself 'and so you could be close to your girlfriend.' But not totally.

"Are you getting enough sleep? I remember your father use to get pimples when he didn't get enough sleep. They usually go away after twelve hours of sleep in one night if I remember correctly." He told him. That was helpful. Too bad it wasn't going to happen. 

"Why aren't you sleeping?" Sirius asked him.

He couldn't very well lie could he? What was he going to say? Neville's snoring was keeping him awake at night? "Homework." He said giving in.

"How much?"

He didn't want to, but something in Sirius's voice egged him forward. He sighed. "I have two three foot essays to write by tomorrow in Potions. In History, I have 25 questions to answer and a summary of 20 pages of text. It's all due by tomorrow. It'll take me at least five hours to do." After saying it all, it sounded so much less achievable. He banged his head against the desk. 

"Giving yourself a concussion won't help. Well, it'll give you some time if you're in the hospital, but that will kill you with all the work you'll have to make up."

He sighed. "All right." He drew his wand and Harry had a brief and thick idea that Sirius was going to curse him so that he didn't have to go to class. "Accio Harry's homework." Harry shook his head. He really needed sleep. "Handy isn't it?" Sirius told him. 

"You can't tell anybody about me helping you. Promise?" he asked. Harry nodded without reluctance. "All right. What is the subject for Potions?" 

"Well, the one he assigned to the class was the usage of Doxy wing and its effect on potions. He took out a _long_ piece of parchment that had floated to the desk with the rest of his humongous pile of books and let Sirius read what he had written so far. He looked guiltily at him when Sirius gave him a skeptical look. 

"Obviously mine isn't the only class you've been sleeping in." Sirius told him.

"Oh come on! You know I suck at potions." Harry whined. 

"All right. Start writing a new one from what I tell you." And to Harry's amazement, Sirius went on and on about the use of doxy wing in various types of potions he had never even heard of. Potions he wondered if Snape had heard of.

"Where did all that come from? Are you channeling Snape's parents or something?" Harry asked him amazed. 

Sirius turned completely red. "Actually, my scores on my Potions NEWT were higher then Snape's." He said in a small voice. "I was offered Snape's job before he was, but nobody knows about that Harry. No one! You can't tell anyone." Sirius pleaded with him. 

"Does Remus know about it?" He asked, his eyebrows creased down. 

Sirius shook his head. "It's not something I brag about. Thankfully, my potions professor liked me. Professor Figg. When she passed our tests back she would put a bad grade on it for me. I think I was her favorite student because I did so good and managed to be pleasant and enjoyable unlike Snape. Of course, she pretended like she hated me, and that she loved Snape. She was one of my favorite teachers."

"Any relation to my babysitter?" he asked, thinking it was just a coincidence. 

"That would be her, I'm pretty sure." Harry raised his eyebrows.

Harry looked down at his paper. With all the Information Sirius had given him on Doxy wings, he could write a book. The report he had been sure was going to take him at least an hour and a half had been completed in 25 minutes. "Oh, Snape assigned me my own personal essay on the what ingredients shouldn't be added to together because of spontaneous combustion." This one he was sure would take him at least two hours as he knew nothing about the topic. Sirius however flew off on potions, ingredients, setting the fire a certain temperature so that the chemicals were no longer hazardous. He jotted down what Sirius told him to and was finished before the clock struck eight fifteen.

"I don't know all that much on the topic of History of Magic. It isn't my strong point and I don't know how much help I can be for you." Sirius told him. 

"Don't worry Sirius. That's okay. You've done more then I ever could have asked from you." Harry said smiling, feeling bad about snapping at him earlier.

"I may be more bothersome then helpful, but I'll try." And so he got out his History homework. To his astonishment, Sirius once again breezed through all of the questions giving him complete answers that the book hadn't even mentioned. 

"You know, you don't look like the scholarly type at all. In fact, I always imaged you were the type of person who barely passed school."

"Well that is the association you get with a motorcycle and a leather jacket." He was referring, of course, to the leather jacket he preferred over a cloak. In fact, unlike all the other teachers, Sirius wore casual muggle clothes instead of robes. "But you don't get to be an auror by barely passing. Don't you know me well enough to know that?" Sirius faked disappointment. 

"Well yeah. Of course. I just meant that to someone who didn't know you, that is how you would appear." He said shrugging. 

"Well I helped you. You help my nerves by getting some sleep… Rudolf." He said, poking him on the nose. 

"Ha ha, you're hysterical." Harry replied, sticking out his tongue childishly. 

"Come on, I'll walk you back to Gryffindor." 

On their way back, Harry had to ask a question. "Were you really going to give me detention?" 

"If you were as rude to me as you were earlier, yeah. You would have helped me grade papers, or you would have washed my bike back in Hagrid's Paddock where he's keeping Buckbeck. Oh, did I tell you? I gave him back to Hagrid. It was part of my compensation that he would go free." Sirius told him. 

"Well you did embarrass me in front of the whole class." 

"It was just a joke. Come on, get a sense of humor! The old prankster still comes out in me sometimes."

"It isn't so funny when you're the butt of the joke." But he smiled anyway. He wasn't going to argue with the man who had just given him back five years of his life. 

"Well, if you ever need me to help you with a pile of homework, you know where I am." 

"How can I thank you for helping me. I think I might have drowned in parchment." Harry told him. 

"It's all right. Anytime." Sirius looked completely nonchalant, like he hadn't just saved him three or four hours of work. "Can't let my favorite Godson drown in parchment." 

He gave Sirius a short hug after looking around to see if anyone was watching. "What's wrong? Afraid to give your godfather a hug in public?" Sirius asked him, teasingly.

"Hmm. Yeah, that sounds about right." Harry responded. 

"See ya Harry." Sirius said laughing after Harry opened the portrait hole. Harry waved him goodbye.

_______

Harry didn't make the mistake again that week. He found himself rushing through the pages as fast as he could without tearing up at how boring all of the crap was. He usually got to the point were he was done reading when he left class. He did all of his Potions and History homework over the weekends and could usually get done his Transfiguration homework without having to rush frantically. He managed to get enough sleep that weekend for the pimples to go away without the help of the potion. 

Harry barely saw Sirius after that. It seemed like between Quidditch and homework, Harry was busier then Sirius was, though Sirius looked equally swamped. Coming back from Quidditch practice one day, he passed by Sirius's office and noticed that the door was open. He was going to drop in to say hello after not talking to him all week aside from class. 

He looked through the door and found Sirius at his desk leaning over a stack of paper that seemed like it reached the bottom of his chin. There must have been two inches off papers scattered all over his desk. The latter, however, did not surprise him in the slightest. Sirius was messier then Ron was, which was a feat. 

"You want some help?" Harry asked him, leaning against the door frame. 

Sirius's face snapped up at the noise. "Essays. The whole stack of them." Sirius said, running his hands through his hair. It was his trademark motion that he was frustrated. "Hey Har." He greeted him, having not done it in the beginning. "They're all Slytherins, and I don't even trust myself not to fail the lot of them." He gnawed on his lip. "I really have to get to work." Sirius said. In other words, go do your homework or something. 

Harry didn't blame Sirius. He himself really didn't want to help grade papers. He had a pile of homework about the size of the one on Sirius's desk, but he had it pretty much all scheduled out as for when to do it. He did want to return the favor since Sirius had helped him. "All right. See you in class then."

Sirius didn't respond so he left. 

Not having Ron around was probably the worst transition. Every morning when he woke up, out of habit he would chuck his pillow to the bed next to his. Ron's. At times he forgot himself and wanted to go and say hello to Hermione who had taken to sitting as far away from him as possible. Surprisingly, Hermione didn't give him glares when he passed her in the hallway. In fact, the way it seemed, she didn't even hate him. When ever he made eye contact – which wasn't often – she would just look at him blankly and avert her eyes. 

Quidditch wasn't much of a relief either. It was more a distraction from homework. Every time he got on a broom, and let the wind whip through his hair, thoughts of homework would follow him. "Come on Potter. You don't have time for this. Just find the snitch and get back to work." 

As October approached him, something equally troubling hung over his head. Dumbledore had said that if Ron wasn't found in a month, he would be pronounced dead. Although it wouldn't really be that big of a change, the fact that it would be official scared him. He wasn't missing, he was _dead_. It meant he could formally give up just about all hope. He didn't want to have to deal with that. 

**End Chapter XVIII- Homework and History Class**

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End Notes: I actually have an excuse for my lateness. My mom took my computer off me and gave me hers. Hers, which doesn't have any of my files on it. I didn't want to do a really sloppy rewrite, so I had to wait. I did just get it back yesterday though. So finally, after all of the reviews, you meet Professor Murphy. I'm sorry to disappoint you folks, but at no time during the story does she get her throat ripped out. *Readers who have been waiting for it to happen get fed up and leave* 

Well, review. Please. Sirius, give everyone a pout for me.

Sirius: *Ignores Katie*

Reviews: 

Thanks you Anifan1, Sexy Black, Goldengirl2, none, and Flying Goat.

Katani Petitedra: Harry just seems to be like that. Always doing stupid stuff like that even though no wants him to. Thank you.

Shawn Pickett: Thanks a lot for reminding me to write Ginny's response. I hadn't planned on it, but you were right. Ginny really did need to give him a piece of her mind. 

80: Hey… what is there left to say to you? Did I say that I would respond to your email in reviews? If I did, I lost it. I really need to stop doing that. I'm really sorry not to have anything to say to you, but if you review me, I'll do one for next chapter regardless.

Sailoranime: You really don't have to make up excuses for why you don't sign in. I know you don't. I know you won't. You seem to like complaining. You and me have a lot in common I guess. I love to bitch and moan a lot. I usually don't do it in reviews. *Shrug* Oh god, I love you for saying that. Red-haired voodoo doll? Hehe. If Siri didn't keep me in check… well, I don't know. Hermione? I keep in mind that in England, their version of insane isn't as easy to achieve as America's, though I can't really talk. I can't say if you will ever like Murphy. If this chapter gives you any idea then it's your own opinion.

Star-Prancer: Couldn't have put it better myself. Thank you very much. You made me feel a lot better. I guess we never like our first chapters after write seventeen more.

LizhowHP: That won't come until pretty close to the climax, which shouldn't be for a while now. I'm sorry. It'll be worth the wait if I write it the way it's been planed. Thanks for your review. 

Blueberrie: I don't want to give away the ending, though I can't imagine Sirius really getting horribly mad about something like that. Thanks for your review.

Time is of the Essence: Wow! Thanks a lot for that review. It really helped me write more. I read your story. I can't wait for your next chapter. I must say that your title was the longest I've ever heard of. I thought ff.net cut people off after about 20 characters. You're the first person to ever find out that they don't. Thank you.

I don't no: That's flattering. I love when people say that they don't normally review but made an exception for my fic. That's sweet. Thank you.

Blood Moon1: First of all, I have to say that I really enjoyed your review. I loved your vocabulary. Staggering relationship? No offence what-so-ever though! I like your idea. I really do. If I hadn't planned out the whole thing, I would do it. Really. It's just, I know exactly what is going to happen, and that would really through the whole thing off balance. Thank you for your review though. 

Notes: Thank you for Reading! Please leave a message at the beep. BEEP


	19. October Nights

                                                                                    **Loss**

                                                                          By BlackPotterGrl 

Chapter XIX- October Nights 

Burying his head in his pillows, Harry tried to ignore the sounds of everyone around him getting dressed for classes. He was a bit like his godfather in the way that he was a light sleeper. He didn't need anyone to shake him awake unless he was in a really deep sleep. He could usually tell when it was time to get up.

Today, however, he really couldn't care less if anyone was getting dressed, or leaving, or coming back from classes because he was going to cut. 

It had been a spur-of-the-moment decision the previous night. After realizing what the next day would be, Harry resolved that he wouldn't deal with it at all. God knew he was missing enough sleep just to miss the entire day and wake up in time for dinner so that people wouldn't worry about him and think that he was sick.  

He knew that if he lay in bed until the very last minute, Neville would probably try to wake him up, but he was too fed up to care about that. 

Today was the day that Ron would officially be dead. 

Dead.

There was that word. The word he had been avoiding since Ron had disappeared. 

Because saying the word dead meant it was true. Everything that he had spent the last month denying would be forced in his face. Like Hermione. He knew at some point in the following week, he was going to have to face her. And Mr. And Mrs. Weasley. Were they blaming him? They probably were. Not to his face of course, but he knew they probably would be. 

And the guilt. 

The guilt that he had tried to shove down to the bottom of his thoughts. The guilt that Sirius had tried to beat out of him. But it was no use. He had ignored it pretty much all month, but when he went to bed, there it was. Lurking just below his conscious. Waiting for him to fall asleep to attack him with the horrible dreams. 

He knew that Sirius – or anyone else for that matter – would be upset to find out, but he had taken to stuffing a sock in his mouth to stop himself from crying out in his sleep. No one knew about it, he was pretty sure, and anyone who would find out, being his room mates, probably wouldn't care. They where still giving him the cold shoulder because of his actions toward Hermione. He began to wonder if that was the only reason though. Perhaps they thought that he was the reason that Ron was missing as well. 

They had never been particularly fond of him. No more then they had Harry. But distancing themselves from him could be to protect themselves. Harry really couldn't blame them, for he himself had distanced himself from Hermione to prevent that from happening to her. If Dean and Seamus weren't his friends, they didn't have anything to fear from him. 

Even while gagging himself, Harry still awoke with tears in his eyes to the horrible visions. Though his imagination had run out of new ways to envision Ron in horrible pain, old dreams, like Ron being decapitated, or chopped up into little pieces still bothered him. 

He hadn't told anyone of the graphic horror he witnessed in his dreams. For one, he would probably be locked up in the nut house if they found out he was having dreams about his friend being murdered in grotesque ways. Secondly, he rarely had anyone to talk to about things of that nature. Not that he would. 

The funeral would be that Saturday, and he was perfectly content just to miss the next two days of class. Not like he would be missing anything of importance. He couldn't make himself care that he would be missing Potions and History. His two worst classes. He didn't care the missing that much homework would drag his grade down a lot. The rest he could easily miss. 

"Harry?" asked a small voice. 

"I'm sick. I'm not going." He said, putting effort into sounding really exhausted, though it didn't take much. 

"O- oh. All right then." Neville replied. Harry could here him under his breath. "You sure get sick a lot." Harry didn't have the strength to feel insulted, though it occurred to him that he didn't have any reason to be. Another thought came to him that something _was_ wrong with him. Thoughts were arriving at his brain delayed.

Maybe he should have gone to classes. _Somebody_ was bound to notice he was missing. If nothing else to get him in trouble. Snape would be bound to notice. He could just imagine. 

"Where's Potter?" He would draw. 

"He didn't _feel_ like coming to class, professor." One of his classmates would say willingly. 

Somebody would draw the conclusion. 

He wondered if Hermione was going to class. Should he care? For his plan to completely separate himself from any friends he might have, he realized that these thoughts would have to stop. He couldn't care about Hermione on the outside, so he should stop caring on the inside. 

But then… what about Ron. If he _was_ alive then he would be Harry's friend, right? So should he stop caring about Ron? Why should he? It wasn't like Ron was around to not care about.

'If Ron were here, everything would be different.' He thought to himself. He wouldn't have to abandon Hermione. Why? Because… because he wouldn't. Truth was, he didn't know. He had made that his excuse. If Ron were around, everything would be better. He could start living again. He knew he could never forget about Ron. Not now, not ever. 

So why could he do it to Hermione?

Truth be told, he had no idea. Because Hermione was a girl? Because she wasn't as close to him as Ron was? Because he was a bastard? Or maybe because Ron had disappeared, and there was no way that he was going to come back. Everything was always easier when it was just a pipe dream. 

When Ron came back, he would get out of bed and start living his life, he thought, and rolled over, not wanting to think anymore. But the thoughts came anyway. 

He lay like that for what seemed like forever. Sleep he had thought so easy to achieve didn't come. He stared at a tiny black dot on the ceiling for so long that it almost began to annoy him. Weren't house elves suppose to take care of those sorts of spots? It was about the time when thoughts like that started plaguing him that he heard the last bells for classes. 

He realized that he was hungry from not eating breakfast or lunch. However, he didn't feel like going. Finally he rolled out of bed and threw on a pair of jeans. He was headed towards the great hall to get something when he thought just to turn around a get a sandwich from the kitchens when dinner was over. 

He walked in for the last two minutes of dinner and sat at the table and stared down. 

He spent the next day doing the exact same thing. He expected that someone was going to stop him from taking the day off, but nobody seemed to mind… or care.

Saturday came with amazing speed, but he forced himself to get out of bed that morning. He went down the stairs of the dormitory and every eye seemed to be staring at him. He lowered his head and headed towards the portrait hole. He passed through and ran headlong into Hermione who promptly dropped her books. What could make this situation more awkward, he wondered. Of course, that thought hadn't crossed his mind before Sirius walked down the hall. 

He hastily picked up the books and practically shoved them into her chest. He heard a soft "Thanks" behind him. He headed for the great hall – the direction Sirius seemed to have been coming from – and –surprise surprise – Sirius stopped him. 

"Harry? What's going on?" Sirius was following him. He stopped and gave a short lived smile. He continued to walk with Sirius by his side. 

"Nothing much. I was just going down to breakfast." Harry replied with forced calmness. 

"No, I meant… you know. How are you holding up?" Sirius asked him. 

"I- guess I'm okay." Harry replied. It seemed like a strange calm had come over him. 

"That's good. The – erm… memorial service is today. They're doing it outside. Right near the lake." Sirius seemed to be talking to someone else, because his tone was completely different then that of which he'd ever spoken to Harry in. It was more like he was talking to someone he didn't really know to well, but felt the need to say something to. 

Harry decided not to say anything about Sirius's detachment. "Yeah, I read. 3:30, right?" He asked. 

Sirius cringed, but Harry didn't know why. "I guess it probably would have been better if someone _told_ you, instead of leaving you to read about it."

Harry shrugged. "It's fine. Whatever." 

"You sure you're okay, kid?" 

"Fine." Harry said. He wasn't really lying. "So, are you mad?" He had been pretty sure Sirius would mention him cutting classes.

"About you not going to class? Nah." He shrugged it off.

He raised an eyebrow. "Why not?"

"Well, I'm not one to be hypocritical, and if you must know, I've skived off lessons enough to not be able to really say anything to anyone about cutting." 

"You? Hypocritical? Of course not." Harry joked. 

"That doesn't mean that you can start going around and doing all of the stupid things I did when I went here without me telling you off. And you have to go back on Monday." Sirius told him. They reached the hall. Sirius gave his shoulder a squeeze and walked off. 

Breakfast seemed to fly by, as everything does when you're anticipating something horrible. He walked to the library to wait out the service. Unfortunately, he found Hermione in the library as well. He was then in a difficult position. Should he leave? No. He decided that he couldn't let this rule his life. 

Now that he didn't have to do any of the homework for the classes he missed, he wouldn't really have a problem with any of his other homework.  He pulled out the Transfiguration assignment, but couldn't help staring at Hermione. She really looked a mess, but now that he thought of it, he realized that she hadn't really looked too good at all during the past month. This made him feel all the worse. 

He made himself pick up the book and forget about all of that. 

By the time 3 o'clock had come, he was completely off in his own world. Hermione had left and he realized he might as well too. He flopped onto his bed in his dormitory and wondered for the first time whether he should bother going to Ron's funeral. What was the point? So he could hear a bunch of good things about his best friend. Stuff he already knew about him? So that he could stare at all of the people who where probably blaming him for this? He didn't want to see Ron's parents. Or his brothers and sister. Or Hermione. And what if he didn't show up and people had something else to say about him. 

"He didn't even show up at his best friend's funeral. He's really screwed up." 

If he was going, he refused to cry. 

Oh, what the hell. He might as well. 

It was a nice out-door ceremony. The whole school didn't show up, but all of Gryffindor, the staff (bar Snape and Filch), and Ron's parents went to pay their respects. Dumbledore was doing the eulogy because he had refused to, and probably Hermione as well. 

Sirius sat next to him and Mrs. Weasley sat on his other side along with the rest of the Weasleys. Hermione sat next to Ginny, who put her arm around her in comfort. 

Dumbledore began his tribute to Ron, talking about how he was a good person, a respectable Gryffindor, and a loyal friend. He heard sniffing begin around him, and felt Sirius's hand on his shoulder. Mrs. Weasley burst into hysterical tears next to him, but he stood stock-still, persistently holding any emotion off of his face. 

When Dumbledore had stopped talking, he noticed that a lot of people in Gryffindor who he hadn't even realized knew Ron had handkerchiefs out and were dabbing at their eyes. Fred and George were looking downward, and Hermione and Ginny were hugging each other. Most people where starting to leave but the some of the friends and family where there. Everyone had stood to talk so he followed half-heartedly. 

He saw Hermione looking at him through red eyes, and gave her a small smile. That couldn't hurt, could it? 

She made her way towards him. Yes. Apparently, it could. 

She stood in front of him sheepishly, like she where trying to face Snape after not doing a homework assignment. "Why do you hate me so much?" 

'Oh god, not here.' He thought desperately. 

"What did I do so horrible?" she asked. 

'I can't do this. _I can't do this!_ Why here? Why Ron's funeral?' He knew his face was contorting with his inward struggle. 

"Harry?" She had begun crying. "Why don't you like me? What did I do?" She had started sobbing. 

His stomach felt like someone was twisting it like dough. Someone like Hagrid. He bit his lip so hard he knew there would be teeth marks. 

People had turned around to see what was happening. He didn't dare to breath because he didn't know if he would be able to stop himself from tearing his hair out. 

Finally, the inevitable happened. She threw her arms around him and sobbed into his shoulder. 

'What do I do? What do I do? I want to hug her back. I can't do that! But I should. It's the right thing to do. But it's not the logical thing to do, though!' his left and right brains feuded, while he stood completely still, not knowing what to do. 

Everyone starred at him with curious expressions. 'Curious as to what I'm going to do. A lot of help you lot are!' He wanted to glare, but the situation at hand prevented him from doing that.

Tentatively, he put his hand on her shoulder. Inwardly, he sighed dramatically. God, this would have been a lot easier if half the world weren't watching him. 

"I'm sorry Hermione. It's my fault. I didn't want you to get hurt." He said while she cried, not hearing his comment. 'If I'm going to have to make a long-winded speech, I wish she weren't squeezing me so tight. I can't breath.'

"What?" She replied, coming up, still whimpering with sobs. Her face was red and her hair horribly tousled. 

"I didn't want you to end up like Ron." He said, wishing again that he wasn't saying this in front of an audience. 

"Why would you… why would I end up like…" Hermione seemed to finally get it. "Harry, that isn't going to happen." She said, finally seeming to get a hold of herself. 

"How do you know? It probably will. Ron's 'dead'. I don't want that to happen to you." Harry said. Well, there was no going back now. Unless he wanted to wipe Hermione's and about fifteen other people's memories, and that didn't seem likely. 

"Harry, what makes you think that's going to happen to me? Just because I'm your friend doesn't mean I'm going to die. Ron's not your fault." Hermione told him. 

"He was only taken because Voldemort wanted to know where I live. Come on. He wouldn't tell him, and who knows where the hell he is now?" Harry confessed. 

"You can't live like that though." Hermione told him. "What's the point if nothing ever happens to me? If I lived then what would it matter to you if we weren't friends? You can't live life without taking those risks." Hermione said. 

He shook his head. She was right. He knew it. But he had known it since before he even decided to go through with this stupid plan of his. But why bother? Any idea of rejecting Hermione now was stupid. 

She grabbed his shoulder roughly and shook it. She could almost look directly into his eyes. Damn him and his shortness! "Harry…" 

"Yeah, I know. It was stupid. I'm sorry." He didn't look at her, but staring at the other people who were openly gaping at him wasn't much better. "Do you forgive me?" 

As inappropriately as it would have been, if she said no, he would have laughed. For her to say that she didn't want to be his friend any longer would have just been ironic. However, he was saved from awkwardly embarrassing himself.

"Yeah. Of course I do. You were doing it because you care about me anyway." She said. 

He was surprised when she didn't hug him, preferring to smack him upside the head and say "Don't you EVER do that again! You hear me?" He smirked and nodded. 

Hermione turned faced the crowd of people and instantly turned red. Though Harry was mistaken when he thought it was out of embarrassment.

"WELL? What are you all staring at? Shows over." Harry was slightly impressed. In the crowd of people, he was surprised she would speak to Dumbledore, McGonagal, Sirius and Mr. And Mrs. Weasley like that.

Wait. Sirius? Uh oh.

"Well, it's been depressing. I have to go catch up on homework. I'll see you all later." He smiled tautly. He then headed for the Quidditch pitch. He needed to sort stuff out. 

He summoned his broom and took a few laps around the quidditch pitch. He didn't care though. Hermione was his friend again, and Ron… he was ready to start living again. He knew that Ron wouldn't stop plaguing him, but he wouldn't dwell on it so much. 

'When Ron came back… he would have his best friend again.'

________

Eventually, he did have to talk to Sirius. After avoiding him all day, Sirius eventually caught up to him. He imagined that it couldn't have been too hard as he spent most – if not all – of his time in the library. Now that Hermione and him were friends again, they could do their homework together and he didn't have to scramble about while he tried to finish it all. He now could focus more on defensive magic. Hermione seemed really pleased that he had taken an interest in books and was happy to point out many of her favorite muggle books, as well as some anti-dark art books. 

She comically pointed out that he should write an anti-dark arts book himself. 

"Oh yeah." He had replied. "Tastefully entitled 'Staying Alive, by Harry Potter.

"It would double as your auto-biography." Hermione said smiling. "I could call mine, 'How I Kept My Sanity,' Subtitled, 'Five Years With Harry Potter as my Best Friend.'"

"Now Hermione. Don't go taking my title." He heard Sirius's voice coming from behind their table. 

Hermione turned to smile at him, but he kept his eyes on his book. 

"What are you reading?" He asked. 

"Just a book." 

Sirius looked at the title on the upper right-hand corner. "That one's boring. I had to read that one for Auror training. The good ones are all in the restricted section."

"Really? Like what?" As long as Hermione was sitting there, Sirius probably wouldn't say anything. Right?

"All kinds. Most of them are pretty sick though. There was this one I read that taught you a spell to make somebody's brain explode without actually puncturing the skull." 

"Ever get around to using that one?" He asked while Hermione's nose wrinkled up. 

"No, but there have been some times when it was pretty tempting." He replied smirking.

"I have to go." Hermione said, looking a bit queasy. 

Harry was a bit impressed. "Always use to work on Lily." Sirius told him. Harry narrowed his eyes. 

"Don't look at me like that. I'm the one who should be mad at you." 

"I'm sorry, okay? If I had told you the truth, what would you have done though?" 

"Thought you were a really big idiot." 

"In my defense, I felt really guilty about lying to you." Harry told him truthfully.

"Oh! Well in that case. I forgive you." He said sarcastically. 

"Well what do you want me to say? It was for the greater good." Harry told him. 

"Whatever. At least you had good reasoning behind it. Don't do it ever again." Sirius told him. 

"Heh. You've still got three more years left. You think this will be the last time I ever lie to you?"

"No, but up until now I had been happy thinking you would never ever lie to me. Now you've gone and ruined it." He whined. 

"Yeah well… I have to go pull Hermione's head out of a toilet."

"Before you go… how are you? I mean, since the funeral?" 

"I- think that it helped me a lot. You know? Helped me to get past this." He said. 

"That's good Harry. You need to move on." 

"On a brighter note." Sirius said smirking like he had just found a really good picture to blackmail him with. "You are now – or, again I suppose – the talk of the school."

"What makes this good news?" He said groaning.

"Oh, it's good, and if it's not, then it's good for me." He replied. He then put on a really squeaky voice. "Did you hear about what Harry Potter said to Hermione Granger last night? I thought he was just a jerk, but I think it's so sweet how he was trying to protect her like that." 

Harry put his head down on the table. "And did you notice how cute he got over the summer. I mean, he's still really short, but…" 

"Will you shut it? And I am _not_ short. I'm pleasantly average sized. I don't want to be tall anyway."

"Yeah, girls think it's real romantic when you have to jump to kiss them." Sirius teased him. 

"Ha Ha. You're hilarious." He said walking out. 

__________

The rest of October seemed a lot less depressing then the previous month. Homework became a lot easier now that he and Hermione were working together, and his dreams all but stopped. 

As much as it embarrassed him that whenever he went to the library to study or was sitting in the common room, there seemed to be little groups of girls staring at him 'inconspicuously', it was definitely an improvement to the disgusted glares he got from everyone else. Whenever he looked at them, they all seemed to burst into mad giggling fits.

It just about made Hermione crazy, and on a daily basis he heard "I just don't know what they see in you. I mean, you really aren't all that cute."

He never heard any comments from her right before Sirius walked into the room, when the female portion of the class was talking and giggling hysterically. He hadn't told Hermione about Sirius's (not) mysterious girlfriend, and in spite of her still seeming hung up over Krum, (which caused Harry's eye rolling skills not to falter) Harry was wondering whether Hermione was joining the masses of hormone-crazed teenage girls in finding him attractive. 

Harry didn't find their attraction as disturbing as he did funny. Did they really think they had a chance? Did they really think he was a pedophile? He considered on various occasions bursting their bubbles by telling them he had a girlfriend, but he hadn't even confessed that he knew to Sirius. Why would he tell a bunch of strangers? 

As far as he could tell, not even the staff new about Sirius's secret rendezvous with professor Murphy, who was still as bitchy as ever.

Hermione had been on one of her rants about his little fan club on the morning of Halloween before a DADA lesson whilst Sirius's fan club prepared to see their idol, when the unthinkable happened. 

Snape walked in.

The classroom immediately shut up as they watched in horror. "Professor Black has deemed himself unfit to teach lessons, and lucky for all of you, I will now be teaching his class for him on a regular basis."

Every single mouth dropped open in horror. A few girls looked like they were close to tears. Harry wasn't sure what to think. He knew that Sirius would have told him about this before Snape took over the class. Just when he was about to raise his hand to ask about it, he was shocking back into silence as Snape smiled humorously.  Two words he didn't think had ever graced Snape's vocal cords before were said. "Just kidding!" 

Suddenly, Snape's head was morphed into another one. A noticeably familiar one. It was Tonks.

She was smiling wittily, and threw off her Snape like robe to reveal something that looked like she would wear. People were still looking on in confusion.

"I'm sorry." She choked out in laughter. "I just thought it would be a great way to make an entrance. I'm Nymphadora Tonks. You can just call me Tonks though." She then explained to the class how she was a metamophmagus. He enjoyed her lesson, and the fact that she assigned no homework. 

"Tonks." He stopped her on his way out. He motioned for Hermione to go on without him. 

"Oh! Hey there Harry." She said smiling. 

"Hey. What's up with Sirius. Is he sick?"

"He er, has a 'twenty-four hour cold'." She gave him a look.

"I wasn't aware there were such things. And how do you know it's twenty-four hours. It might-" He stopped himself, realizing what she was implying. 

"Wait, why would he skip classes?" He asked, confused.    

"I have no idea. Maybe you should ask him." She recommended. "Or possibly check the calendar." 

She shrugged, and they both left the room, her probably going to prepare for her next performance. 

He thought about all through out his next lesson. It wasn't until he was on his way to the teacher's corridor after dinner that he realized what it was that she meant. He was a little bit more apprehensive, walking along that hallway during the day. Especially now when all of the professors were headed there. He said the password, and promptly ran into McGonagal. 

"What are you doing here, Potter?" She asked him suspiciously.

"Oh. I'm sorry, professor. I was just going to visit Sirius." He announced. 

"Oh." She said, looking at him understandingly. "Do try and cheer him up." She almost smiled at him. 

He told the wolf the password and knocked on his door. 

It took a bit of time for there to be an answer. Sirius gave him a small smile and let him in. "Hey kid." He didn't sound to good. His voice wasn't hoarse or anything, but he sounded depressed and a bit tired. 

"How are you doing? Is your one-day cold almost over?"

Sirius didn't look ashamed or anything. He just shrugged. "I guess. You want to sit down?" 

He complied, and Sirius sat down next to him. Sirius seemed to be taking this hard. Not having been around for any of his previous Halloweens, Harry wasn't sure how Sirius usually took to them. 

"Have you eaten?" he asked, trying to fill the space.

He shook his head. "I'm not hungry."

"Should I alert the media?" Harry asked grinning. He didn't smile. 

"Hey." He said, for lack of anything better to say. "Cheer up."

He replied with a very tested smile. 

"Come on. I mean, you've started over now. You're doing great. You've got a good life. A nice house, a decent job, and in my humble opinion, one of the best godsons in the world." He smirked. Sirius didn't reply. He just turned away. 

Harry watched helplessly as he rested the side of his head in his arms on the armrest. 

Harry was out of ideas. He sat back against the couch, putting a hand on his shoulder. 

Sirius didn't move at all. In fact Harry sat there for an hour before he moved even an inch. 

Harry was very uncomfortable. He had been sitting in the same spot for an hour now and he was getting uncomfortable. He was scared to move though. He knew he couldn't leave. It wasn't just a matter of not wanting Sirius alone in this state; it was a matter of decency. 

He sat there for another three hours, trying not to move much. He had quite a stiff neck by then, and he was getting tired. Three times he almost nodded off before Sirius moved. He wasn't asleep as Harry had suspected. 

"You don't have to stay here, Har." He said. He startled him so much that he jumped. 

"No, I'm fine." He said a bit drowsy. 

"Really. You should go back to your common room. I'll be fine."

He shook his head decisively. "That's all right. I'll stay here." 

Sirius must have seen the determination in his eyes, because he didn't mention it again. 

Sirius had stayed up all night long with him countless times. He knew Sirius probably wouldn't sleep that night, and the least he could do would be to stay there with him. So he pulled his legs up and leaned against the arm rest staring protectively at Sirius. 

At about four in the morning, Sirius nodded off, but Harry didn't dare get up, in fear that his movement would wake up his godfather. He didn't sleep either. He was lucky that the next day was Saturday. He waited until Sirius awoke at about seven o'clock that morning to get up. 

Sirius was surprised to see that he was still there and awake when he awoke, but he smiled appreciatively at him. 

"You want to get something to eat with me kid?" Sirius asked him.

"Yeah, sure." He said. In spite of his tiredness, he agreed, eager to see Sirius eat something. 

He knew it was probably selfish, but he felt proud of himself. Sirius did so much for him. He felt the least he could do was to repay him in whatever way possible.  

**End Chapter XIX-October Nights**

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I could just be overanalyzing everything, which – so I've heard – I've been prone to doing, but I feel like my writing skills have declined. Perhaps there's a period in every story where everything just seems to be protracted, and boring before you get to the exciting part. I have one of those coming up, but… oh I don't know. It just seems weird to me now. I think that I've gone over it so many times in my head that I've gotten tired of it. Does anyone know what I'm talking about? I have a bunch of stupid little plot-bunny babies that I want to fit in, but they seem to take up a lot of time. Wow, I never thought I'd have the problem of not being able to fit everything in one chapter. : )

So, I hope you liked this chapter. I really did work hard on it. I was up until four in the morning finishing it, and here I am, tired as a… something tired. I can't think of anything, but finishing it. You know answering reviews takes a lot of the time, but you know I love it. 

Anifan1: I'm glad you liked it. That little… vignette was what I was talking about in the reviews. I thought it would be funny if Sirius caught Harry sleeping in class and it got a bit out of control. *Sirius nods* I don't think many people have to wear both contacts and glasses. Usually that's only if you need reading glasses, but still, my vision's getting really bad though. I may need to. : ) I think I did mention that Sirius said that if Harry was having trouble he would be excused from homework. 

Shawn Pickett: Interesting how you phrased that. Harry's going to snap like a twig soon. Can't wait to see it. 

Sirius: God, while don't we get the Daily Prophet to cover it?

I guess you called it. I wasn't planning on having Harry and Hermione get back together until later, but the make-up practically wrote itself and there was nothing I could do. I know that if Harry had told the truth about Hermione that there would definitely have been some sort of intervention of Sirius's, and Hagrid didn't really know what was going on. Thanks for reviewing.

 Sailoranime: Really? I didn't think subtlety worked well with you. I'm just playing around. : ) Really? You don't like her? I happen to love my character. No, I'm just playing. In fact, I ought to draw her name on a punching bag and get this rage towards her out. It doesn't seem like Harry's style to prank somebody, but I'll keep it in mind. 

Hermione's reaction may come up later. I can't guarantee, but I'm thinking of doing something a bit shocking. To me, I think Ginny is turning into something of a firecracker. I never really paid a lot of attention to her, but she seems like someone who would furiously defend her friends. I might have been a bit misinterpreted with that whole thing there. I mean, Harry – stretched to the limit with stress and tiredness – wouldn't really take too well to a perky and sarcastically witty Sirius, now would he? I mean, I get six or seven hours of sleep and I'm about ready to bite somebody's head off. Of course, some react to sleep deprivation by getting hysterical, but I can't see Harry doing that.

Of course, whenever you tell someone not to read something, they have to go right out and do it. I don't know why. I can't see how I would be really insulted by that remark though. How was this? Dark enough? Enough turns to call it a roller coaster? Yes, the chapter was a bit shorter then usual. Somehow, with your amazing wit, I find you the perfect author to write that. If you aren't too over your head with stories. Thanks for reviewing.

Katani Petitedra: You don't? Then I guess I'm doing my job. Thank you, and you have a nice day as well. : )

Personwhoyoudidn'tanswerlasttime: I didn't answer you? Wow, I'm really sorry. I swear, I couldn't find your review. Personally, I think that if Snape would be permitted to teach children then Sirius Black would be as well. Thanks for your review, ad once again, I'm really sorry. : (

Alastormadeyemoody51: Thank you. Oh really? Murphy is a common name though, I'm pretty sure. I just thought up the name off the top of my head.

A.Dee: Wow, looking back at your review, I hadn't realized how long it had been since my last update. When you mentioned flame, I forgot you had updated. Loved that one anyway. I don't think there was ever a time when you held any affection towards her. You were, however, the first one to guess that Sirius was seeing anyone if you go back to your review about a couple thousand years ago. 

That was a funny one. I'm pretty keen on that whole scenario during his defense class though. I thought that was funny. I know exactly what you mean with the chapters. You know how when you get towards the end of the chapter and you stare longingly at the scroll bar, wishing it wasn't so close to the end? Okay, maybe that's just me. ; )

Felinity: That's really flattering. *Smiles* Wow, so many question, so little I can answer. You saw the end to that whole Hermione mess. I think that I've pretty much answered the question about Ron as well. Remus isn't really in the story much, but I'm trying to put him in more. I think Sirius noticed how depressed he was, but there wasn't really to much to do for him. I mean, with Ron disappearing, it would have been natural for him to be moping around a lot.  Thanks for your review.

Star-prancer: I'm glad that you said that, because I was starting to think that people thought I wasn't trying to make her so bitchy. I don't think it was her anger that was jumping; I think it was the fact that it was all in caps. But yeah, that was how I thought she would react in cannon. Thanks for reviewing.

Buffy Summers1: Thanks a lot. I'm glad that I'm writing her right. 

Blueberrie: Wow, thanks a lot. I'm glad you like it. And good luck with your new story. It's really good. : )

SP-in-Sirius-Denial: I'm glad that you reviewed. I hadn't realized I was taking so long. I understand with busy. I'm sorry about being so late. It's not writer's block, it's writer's blah; no motivation to write. Sirius is such a freeloader, not a good muse at all. : ) I'm pretty sure resolvation is not a word. It's not making it past my spell check. But I'm pretty sure one of those problems will be solved within the next three chapters, but I can't be sure. Thanks for reviewing. 

Ican'trememberwhoiusuallyam:  Really? Well, I'm glad you've reviewed in the past. I don't know who you reviewed under, however. Sorry. And that's really flattering, but I seriously don't think that I can be compared to the legendary Bored Beyond Belief. *Bows head in honor.* Thanks for your review.

The Bell and the Black Dragon: Thanks a lot for your review. I'm pretty sure you haven't review, but I saw you on the list of people who have me on their favorite author's list. Twenty and counting. : ) No. No, I don't want to be responsible for your death. That wouldn't be good at all. Sorry it's taken so long. Thanks for your review.

Thanks everyone for your sweet and kind reviews. I love all of you. 


	20. Murphy's Law

**Loss**

By BlackPotterGrl

Chapter XX-Murphy's Law 

It was a long time before anything out of the ordinary came about, but when it did, it didn't disappoint. 

Harry had since learned the art of enjoying himself immensely. Quidditch had started, and Harry had decided that he would put all remaining energy into assuring Gryffindor the cup. Homework didn't go back on the low-priority list, but it did seem to pale in comparison to his time spent hanging out all over Hogwarts. 

Sharing his owl with Sirius did have its benefits – in spite of watching his owl carry pink envelopes to his godfather. Not that he was too concerned, but Sirius seemed to be getting a lot of mail suddenly. Every once in a while, Hedwig would deliver envelopes that were fatter then normal to Sirius. They looked official, but Harry guessed that it was probably just taxes or something. Did Wizards have to pay taxes?

Besides that, Harry found entertainment in visiting Hagrid. They had talked for a while about him making up with Hermione, and having been at the funeral, told him that he had been stupid, yet noble.

Without Ron around, Harry had to find humor another source. Two other sources to be precise. The Weasley twins had turned him onto bothering Murphy using any possible means, without getting caught. 

Although guilty about it at times, his justification was that if he wanted to be an auror, he would need to learn stealth, which he wasn't all that good at. 

He hadn't done anything deadly… at least, not too deadly. The worst had been the cinnamon. He had learned from Fred and George that Murphy was allergic to that particular spice. It wasn't his fault that everyone's pumpkin juice was spiked with it. He had no idea how it had gotten there. He had only mentioned to Dobby that it tasted good, and that he should try it sometime. 

Breakfast had been over before Murphy had broken out in nasty red hives, but History had to be covered by Sirius, who managed to make it look like he had no idea what he was doing while teaching History better then Murphy ever could. 

He would have gotten away with it too had he not joked to Hermione that the house elves should serve his recipe everyday while winking. He had forgotten what a genus Hermione was, but most importantly, he had forgotten what little subtlety she had. 

"_You poisoned Murphy_?" She had exclaimed with the wrong person behind her.

"You did what, Potter?" McGonagall's shrill voice came.

"NO! No, of course I didn't! I was merely referring to the- the bread and… butter… that we had at breakfast. I found it really made an improvement. Do you think so?" He really had to improve on his lying skills. 

"Two detentions with me!" she scolded.

"Are you going to tell her it was me?" He pleaded. "She already hates me. Please?"

"No, Potter, I won't do that to your grade." She had said.

That hadn't been the reason of course, but knowing that bitch, she would tell Sirius all about it, and then he would be receiving the cold shoulder. 

That hadn't stopped him of course. The next week, her clock was charmed to go off every hour, and twice once it was broken. 

Quidditch returned to the top of his list of priorities. His teammates had dubbed him official co-captain since he and Angelina spent half their free time organizing plays and going over tactics. It was no surprise to anyone when they won their first match.

Of course, Harry had almost lost it for their team.

It had been a sunny, yet cold day outside, and the wind was pretty bad. Harry found it perfect though, because it would be the first true game of Quidditch he had played in about a year. After puling the new keeper's head out of the toilet, they mounted their brooms and took off, struggling not to be blown off course at the sudden weightlessness mixed with the wind.

The new keeper – Franks – had been lousy, but only compared to Wood. The team wasn't used to a beginner. He was light as a twig, and seemed to be having a tough time keeping himself from blowing away. 

He flew by him and whispered, "Use the wind to your advantage." Franks' broom was about fifteen million years old, and much to the teams displeasure, they couldn't get it replaced. He needed all the help he could get, and the wind was blowing him about like a plastic bag. Thus the reasoning behind his enthusiasm for the weather.

The chasers preformed fabulously, as he knew they would. Fred had stationed himself by Franks, leaving George to rush around and protect the rest of team. By the time Harry had caught sight of something shiny, the score was Gryffindor: 100, Ravenclaw: 65.

He almost forgot where he saw it. He traveled towards the direction of what he thought was the snitch.

He saw Sirius – sitting next to Murphy, of course – ("UGH!") cheering loudly as Gryffindor made possibly the first save of the game. It was short lived of course, as Ravenclaw scored once again.

He noticed it again, but he took his mind off of it as he realized that Murphy was cheering for RAVENCLAW!!!

What a traitor! He couldn't believe that Murphy was cheering for his opponents. But then again…

No, the gold was just a ring on her finger.

He rushed off in another direction not wanting to have to look at her again.  

When the realization hit him, it hit him pretty hard. Almost like a bludger. OH, wait. It _was_ a bludger. 

Lucky he was pretty much numb. His arm was sticking out a pretty odd angle, but couldn't even feel it. His mind was a bit hazy at that point. 

When he realized that the ground was rushing towards him he pulled out of the dive successfully without hitting the ground. Everything was blurry. He wavered on his broom about five feet from the ground. He saw something gold in front of him. It was Murphy's ring. "Snatch it off of her finger!" He told himself deliriously. He tried to reach out with his bad hand but couldn't manage to move it. His other arm managed to reach out and grab for it, however. The last thing he remembered before he blacked out was, "He's caught the snitch! Ladies and gentlemen. With a broken arm, he managed to catch the snitch!"

In the weeks to come, a lot of possible solutions came to mind for why, exactly, Murphy had a ring on her finger.

He awoke in the hospital wing to find Hermione and Sirius sitting by his bed. "So, I actually caught it, huh?" 

He looked down and noticed that the snitch was still clutched in his now clammy hand. "You wouldn't let go of it, even in sleep."

He moved the injured arm to notice it wasn't broken any longer. He sat up to noticed to uncomfortable things. His back hurt like hell, and he had a headache fit to fry his brain.

"I feel like I have a hangover."

"No, but I'm pretty sure that Fred and George do." Sirius replied, seeming a bit unpleasant.

"What the heck happened out there?" Hermione asked him.

"I'm still not sure. Everything went blurry after I broke my arm."

"You were flying, and then, all of the sudden, you just get this glazed look in your eyes, and then you got hit with the bludger." 

"I thought I saw the snitch."

"But the snitch was on the ground. Remember, you fell like, fifty feet, and it was floating in front of you."

"I did say, thought, didn't I?" 

Maybe her mother had died and she got her engagement ring. Or maybe she was already married. Maybe Sirius was just having an affair with her. That was why he was keeping everything so secret. He could almost mentally scratch that one off of the list. Maybe it was a friendship ring. She hadn't gotten close enough to see it. He couldn't imagine her _having_ friends, but he couldn't imagine her having a fiancé either.

"Is that a ring on your finger?" He asked Sirius, noticing it, just then.

"Yeah. You'll get one too when you graduate." He replied.   

He entered the teacher's wing hesitantly. So far, Sirius had never requested that he come… well, not in so many words at least. He wondered if he should be nervous, though it had been quite a while since Sirius had seen him… sort of. Maybe he just wanted to visit. 

He said the password uncertainly. Why was he so anxious? What was the big deal? He shrugged it off, entering the door, and he realized exactly what the big deal was. He had sensed the smell in the air. It wasn't an all-around bad smell… he didn't mind the smell of perfume. But he hated it for which it represented. It was Her smell.

She was sitting on the couch. Sirius's couch, and she was smiling. In that moment, every other time… any other moment, was miniscule compared to the terror that ran through him at that moment. 

He realized that the fear that ran through him equaled, or even surpassed any situation he had ever encountered before, including that of last year with Voldemort. He would rather be facing any form of the dark lord without a wand than be standing where he was then. 

He had never had a worse urge to vomit, but he knew he had to suppress it. 

"Hey Harry." Sirius smiled cheerfully. 

Cheerful? Harry currently didn't understand the emotion. Why would Sirius ever have a cheerful smile on his face while sitting next to this bitch? He could have his arm around Snape without Harry feeling as much disgust. 

"Can you sit down for a moment?" Sirius asked pleasantly. There was another unidentifiable sensation.

He would have sat on the floor at that moment had there not been a chair behind him. He replied with something of a squeak. 

"I- we, have great news." He turned toward Murphy, smiling adoringly. 

Harry prayed that the deafening sound of his heart pounding out of his chest wasn't evident to the entire room. 

His drew his breath, wishing his heart would just stop and he could die at that moment. "What?" He asked struggling to try to look like he was curious. 

The words vibrated in his ears. Even though they were said calmly and softly, they seemed to reverberate over the entire room! With a force that Harry himself didn't know he possessed, he had flown from the chair, torn out of the door and speed to the bathroom on practically the opposite side of the castle. But the words had chased him there.

_"We're getting married Harry!"_ Chapter XX- Murphy's Law 

Notes: Okay! Well, here it is. *Smiles stupidly in spite of rotten fruit being chucked at her head*. And yes, I do realize that it is about half the size of any previous chapter. I do have good reason. This chapter is the start of a succession of events that are probably going to really make you gasp, growl, or cry. I'm betting on the first two. But I can only guess how many more chapters are going to be in this story. I'm guessing around five or six more, but I really have no idea.

IF anyone cares, I have a new story out called 'You've Always Known'.

I now have a Live Journal, which you can find in my bio.

(I wonder if I should mention this) I have two new stories out under another Pen Name you may have read. I wanted to keep it secret, but oh well. I'm also known as HP-KD, so check out, Bitter, and The Price of Love, if you feel like it.

So without further ado, I will do the responses. Oh, and you can thank SarahPeach for forcing this chapter out.

Responses:

SarahPeach: Sort of Ironic, huh? If you don't remember, you mentioned that "it seems like you're just trying to drag out the story, which is what I did in "In Need of Sirius Help" when I suddenly decided to quit". No, it wasn't from lack of motivation, just lack of computer, which I've probably mentioned fifteen million times, and need to quit saying. Flufflessness, huh? Yup, I've noticed that too. The next two chapters should have yelling, screaming, hugging, maybe even some crying. I don't know. I've planned this out in my head for almost six months. I can't wait to write it. I just hope that I can write it as good I have in my mind.

Sailoranime: Oh, I find it a very good sign. Of course, I've stayed up for very long periods of time reading your story, even though you aren't big on long chapters, so it's probably my own fault anyway. Hmm, never gotten that response. Laughing through a funeral. I have that problem. I was talking to my friend once, and I was like, "So, how is your aunt? Still in the hospital?" And he was really solemn, which is totally uncharacteristic and said "The funerals Thursday", and I started laughing. Then I wanted to cry because I realized how insensitive I was being. 

When you mentioned that you thought it was funny about the last scene, I got really self-conscious, and thought about re-writing it, because it was suppose to be solemn. Then I realized that you're just weird. (You know I'm just kidding around, right?) 

Are you happy? I included pranking. And put the Weasley's in there too. Thanks for the compliment. Calling him Voldy could do that. That last part made me laugh and shudder at the same time. Yeah, it does make you wonder, doesn't it? But since the whole thing's secret, they wouldn't be seen together right? And Harry wouldn't exactly go looking for them.

Felinity: Well thank you for reassuring me. And things are going to get a lot more interesting anyway. And Hermione was just teasing him. She was just annoyed with the attention he was getting. Thank you.

Blueberrie: Thanks for mentioning that my writing hasn't declined, and for your review.

Blackenedsoul: Oh, you'll see exactly what happens. ; )

MalletWeilderofDoom: You wish. You think? I still think Harry's pretty reserved when it comes to things like that.

A.Dee: Well, I'll give you a hint (But a suppose you'll probably have to go back and read the review you posted) It's one of the two. ; ) I'm sorry to say that I lost your email again. I'm sorry! I'll get back to you later though.

Cierra: You're welcome. And thanks for reviewing.

Lily Skylo: Thanks for reading the whole thing in such little time. It was pretty long, I think. And thanks for your review. I'm glad you like the way I write my characters. 

Katini Petitedra: Thanks a lot. Um, congratulations in doing well in hockey. I'm glad you liked that. I was hopping it wouldn't be too cheesy.

Alastormadeymoody51: Thank you. I will. Actually took me all day to write this.

Issy: Thanks. That's a good plan. I'm glad that's helping you, like it has me. I'm happy you like how I write him.

Eternally*Mine: Crackin? Hmm, my head against the wall trying to write this next chapter. Thank you, I'm glad you liked it. I wasn't that happy with it, but it makes me feel better to know that someone liked it! I got the biggest kick out of you review! Reciting it in class? I do that all the time. The teacher will be rambling off Algebraic expressions, and I'll be thinking of things to write about in Loss. (I guess that's why I'm taking it again next year, huh?) 80 zillion times? I don't think I've read it that much. Thanks a lot.

Oceanjewel: Thanks for your review. Here it is.  

Questionmark applies: Thanks a lot. I'm sorry for the wait. 

FroBoy: Thanks. Here it is.

Savoy Truffle: Here it is.

Notes: So thank you to everyone who reviewed last chapter. I really appreciate them a lot! I hope you all enjoyed it and I don't get a bombardment of hate mail. 


	21. Don't Drink and Fly

**Loss**

By BlackPotterGrl

Chapter XXI – Don't Drink and Fly 

He had lost all feeling in his body. It hurt terribly to retch, but he couldn't control it. He was crouched over the toilet, tears streaming from his face from the force of his sickness. He flushed the toilet, laboriously getting to his feet. 

He couldn't stay there. He knew he couldn't. Sirius would go looking for him, and he wanted nothing to do with Sirius at this moment. If he ever saw him again, there was a definite possibility that the consequences would be less then satisfactory on Sirius's behalf. 

So he ran. 

He didn't know where he was going, and he really found no reason to care. He was out of the building before he realized where he was. 

He ran towards Hagrid's hut because that seemed to be the only thing that was being filtered through his blurry eyes. If anyone had been near him, they would have been on the ground in a moment. He didn't take the time to breathe when he arrived there.

He circled the place, looking for something to break. His vision met a tree stump and he assaulted it until he could feel the blood saturating his sock. He whirled around to look through the fence where Hagrid kept his animals. It was currently empty, but he was headed toward the shed. The lock flew open upon him reaching it and Buckbeak gave him a strange look. He found what he wanted, hidden in the back. 

Upon first glance, Harry had the overwhelming urge to trash it. However, the need just to get as far away from Hogwarts as possible besieged him. It was getting later, and Harry would have to be quiet while taking it, knowing how much noise it made. 

He walked the bike to the front gates before taking off like a bullet, putting on his helmet, and letting the road lead him to the place he wanted to go. The turns were a bit harder to handle since he had never rode a bike on the ground before, but he managed.

Deciding against Hogsmeade, he rode into a small muggle town and stopped in front of a small pub. Any place was fine as long as it was far away from where he had been.

His hair slightly wet from the entire ordeal, he pulled off the helmet, - and his Hogwarts robe on second though – and walked inside of the pub. He could have rode on for hours, but the harsh November wind was cutting through his clothes like butter. He had had no way of getting a cloak in his haste.

The first thing he noticed walking in was that it probably wasn't the most respectable place in this little muggle town. The lighting was a bit dim and some of the people there looked a bit shady.

He sat down at a table brooding. He knew he would have to go back. Sirius was probably worried sick about him by that point. 

"Fuck Sirius!" He muttered. "And fuck Murphy!" 

"What can I do for you kid?" A waitress asked him.

"Oh." He looked up surprised. "I guess you don't accept galleons." He said under his breath.

"Oh, sure we do!" She smiled, flashing her yellowing teeth. She continued at his widened eyes. "Don't you know anything kid? There's at least one pub in just about every muggle town that takes both. You just have to know where it is." She winked. 

He raised his eyebrows. "Oh really? That's very interesting. In that case…" He questioned how smart this would be. "I'll have a beer." 

"Coming right up kid." 

He had a little money on him. What was the point of letting it sit in his pocket?

She came back with a beer. He stared at the amber liquid with some unease. He's never drunk before. Actually, he'd never tasted anything heavier then a butterbeer except for what Fred and George had slipped into his cup. 

"Beats a razor." He thought lifting the mug.

It tasted like horribly bitter, and it burnt his throat. But the next sip wasn't quite so violent to his taste buds. 

He drank it down and the room seemed to tilt. He shook his head and it came back in focus. 

The waitress was back again. "What'll it be this time kid?" 

"Got anything a bit… stronger." 

"Depends on if your driving or not." 

He thought for a moment, then shook his head. 

"Okay then. We have vodka, gin, whiskey… what will it be kid?" She smiled again.

"What'll get me drunk the fastest?" His brain seemed a bit foggy.

"Oh! I know what you want. I've got just the stuff. Considering your wallet can handle it." She winked.

"Sure!" He waved her away. He sat impatiently for her to get back. She didn't have a glass when she returned but a large bottle of something that smelled putrid.

"I hope you know what you're doing kid." She said walking away.

He lifted the bottle and took a big swig of it, and almost gagged. It took him almost a minute to swallow it, and when he did, it hit his stomach like a brick.

He didn't let this stop him however. The more he drank, the less the thoughts of Sirius's engagement plagued him. The less Murphy's sickening smile haunted him. The less the nauseating ideas of what his summers would be like bothered him.

His finger swirled around the rim of the bottle. He drank another sip and noticed the burning sensation wasn't quite as sharp. 

He choked on his laughter as a shrill hiccup erupted from his stomach.  Colors seemed to blur, and his perception was hindered. 

He was aware that someone else had sat down at his table. He concentrated hard on the person's face. 

"What happened to you kid?" The man – probably a regular to the bar – was smoking a cigarette. 

"My gofather's getting married." Was he slurring already?

"Why isn't he here with you then?" The man seemed to be smiling.

"He's probably back shagging her… I don care though. He can have the evil-" He suddenly couldn't remember what he was going to say. He shrugged to himself and took another chug of alcohol. 

"Ah- I've had those problems. My mother got remarried."

"I'z hatez her." He put his head down on the table. 

"You should go home kid. This ain't no place for you." If he was trying to sound nice, that wasn't how Harry took it.

"I'll go home when I'm hell ash drunk." He swung the bottle around and managed to get his shirt covered in alcohol. "And shef is in hell." He wasn't even aware of what he was saying. "I'll tell you one fing! I'm not doing her homework." 

The man's eyebrows rose. "How much of that stuff had you had to drink?" 

"Boutsh thish much." He moved his fingers to show most of bottle.

"You don't drink much do you?" 

"Not till now." The room was getting blurry. 

"You can't drink this stuff if you've never drank before!" The man exclaimed.

"I'ma do watz I want." He stood up shakily, and noticed the room spinning. 

He swigged down another couple of mouthfuls before he headed towards another table. It seemed like no time at all before the bottle was empty and he was tipsier then ever. 

He ordered another big bottle of sickly smelling alcohol in spite of the waitress's reluctant look.  

The next bottle went faster then the previous did. He hadn't even realized it when the entire thing was empty. By then, he was completely hammered. His brain was swimming in alcohol, but he was too stupid to notice it. 

Once or twice, the waitress would come over to voice her concern for him. The man he saw earlier returned, each time, less and less recognizable. 

"Kid, why don't you go home? I can give you a ride."

To him, it sounded as if his voice was coming through water. He had trouble focusing on his face, and once it took him a couple moments to regain control of his stomach.

The only word that seemed to come through, though, was home. Home was the last place he wanted to go. He moaned loudly. "Iz gon see her ta shummer!" He realized. This thought brought about a couple of gulps of alcohol until he couldn't remember what was wrong. 

He obviously must have realized that he was too drunk to figure out what he was trying to convey, so his next action was to grab his arm. 

His initial response was to wrench it out of his hand. "Na. I wonz go!" 

How drunk was he supposed to get before he stopped thinking about the shit going on that seemed to be gathering. He was so drunk. He took a gulp. How would he get home? He took two more gulps. Was Sirius going to be mad? He took another four gulps. Was he even looking for him? He took another three. He was marrying Murphy! He finished the bottle. 

He had such a huge headache! Wasn't whatever crap the waitress had given him supposed to make that go away?

A bizarre thought struck him. What if this all was a plot? What if the waitress was a Death Eater? He had thought it suspicious that the bar accepted galleons. He didn't even know what the waitress had given him! He hadn't asked. Maybe it was poison! Maybe they were getting him drunk just so that they could capture him and he couldn't escape. 

What if the man was Voldemort! He had offered to take him home. What if he was going to put him in a cell like the one where Ron had been kept. His blood was probably still on the floor. 

But wouldn't they have killed him as soon as he came in? Maybe they wanted to torture him for information! 

He drained the bottle and the thought was almost instantly replaced by the wonderment of how they managed to get the ship into the bottle like the one sitting over the fireplace. He wondered why werewolves were considered dark creatures, and not vampires. He started to question whether the room _was_ actually spinning, or if it was just him.

Maybe if he stepped outside, everything would still be spinning. Maybe he was experiencing the spin on the earth. 

Wasn't alcohol supposed to make him feel happy? He was supposed to be loud, and singing, and stupid. He was just sitting there, swaying in his seat. 

The waitress came by again. This time with his bill. He took time to keep the slurring out of his voice. "I'll have one more srink. Fors Ron." 

"That's it kid. You've had enough. I'm cutting you off." 

"Just ones more?" He pleaded. His thumb and forefinger wavering to measure various different sizes.

"No. You're drunk enough. Now go home." She told him. Her kind and happy demeanor was gone. "It's past midnight. We're closing."

"Closing?"

"It's Sunday."

"Oh." He shook his head, ignoring the pain it brought. 

"You're Harry Potter, aren't you?" 

"'s"  

"You should be in school, shouldn't you?" 

"I don care." 

"I'm sending an owl to the school. They'll have a teacher pick you up." 

"NO!" He shouted. 

He struggled to stagger out of the bar as if he were fighting a hurricane. 

He saw her shrug her shoulders out of the corner of his eye. "You forgot to pay!" She called out the door as he left. He ignored her, concentrating on getting out. 

He then promptly threw up in a bunch of hedges.

He noticed the bike parked on the side of the pub. Where was he supposed to go? He was drunk. He had no idea how he had gotten there, and he wasn't even sure of what this town was called. Maybe he should have let the waitress call Hogwarts. But what if Sirius came? 

He wasn't even thinking about it as he clambered onto the bike, and, after a few failed attempts with his wand to start it up, the engine turned over. 

He  backed up clumsily, almost launching off of the bike as he backed off of the curb.

He heard the metallic sscccrraaatcchhhing sound, and winced with horror. Sirius was going to kill him. Hell, he was going to kill him anyway.

As he drove shakily, the noticed the Hogwarts robe still wrapped around the handlebars, and stopped to put it on before continuing. The night air was cold and he found it sobering; something he desperately didn't want.

The street lights became blurs of yellow light, and he couldn't distinguish the different signs on the road, or the traffic lights, or the cars. His vision matched that of which he would have without his glasses on. He could scarcely tell the difference between pavement and sky. He stopped when he noticed a red light, and figured he was in an intersection. He noticed no other cars around him, so he stayed where he was until he could determine his surroundings.

He almost broke into tears right where he was. He didn't know where the hell he was. He didn't know where he was going. Maybe he should just check into a motel for the night. But they wouldn't accept galleons and that was all he had. 

He wouldn't be able to find the pub again. He didn't know what it was called, he had been so preoccupied that he didn't notice. He was so drunk! Where the hell should he go? 

He heard a loud honk echoing behind him as he came out of his stupor. Should he pull over? Should he keep going? The horn just kept on going and he didn't have time to think about it rationally. He launched forward, even though he recognized that the light had turned red again. 

He tried to recognize anything, but he couldn't. Maybe he should fly. That way he wouldn't hit anything. He was in too much shit to see which way was up. Didn't this thing have an autopilot? He couldn't make out any of the abbreviations. He realized that one of them had to take him to Remus's house, but he couldn't go there. There were muggles around. He couldn't risk them seeing him.

Maybe he should ask for directions? But no one would no where Hogwarts was, would they? 

The way things were looking, he would be driving around in circles, getting himself more lost then ever if things went on like this. He was so tired. He just wanted to fall asleep. He could call the knight bus, but what would he do with the bike?

He pulled to the side of the road as he helmet started to get steamy from the hot tears going down his face. 

He dried his eyes, and wiped off the plastic, and put it back on. He had to stop acting like an idiot, and do something. He rode off once again, not even caring where he was going now.

 It struck him about a half-an-hour after he had left the pub that he had broken the law. What was he up to now? He was drinking underage, he was driving underage without a license while drunk. He had run a red light. He had stolen a motorcycle, scratched it up, and had run probably more then one red light. He also hadn't paid his bill. That could get him time in prison! He could be sent to Azkaban!

The revelation hit him like a ton of bricks, sending his spiraling into to sobriety. He had pretty much lost the cloudy feeling in his head. Thoughts had come clearer. His vision had been pretty messed up, but up until then, he had been drunk. At the point of those thoughts assaulting him, he stopped in the middle of the road, and fear flooded through him like a river. 

In the memories of that night, he was pretty sure that was the moment that he recalled becoming sober. Of course, he didn't remember much after that.

It could have been being flown from the seat of the bike, over the handlebars, and into the side of a building, which he recoiled off of and fell unconscious on the sidewalk as the car behind him

The last sight he saw was of Sirius's motorcycle making its last fly… right into a traffic pole.

"Oh my God!"

"Is he bleeding?"

"He doesn't seem to be injured."

"He flew in to the side of a building!"

"He just stopped right in the middle of the road! I couldn't stop in time!"

"He's so young. Does he even have his license?"

"I can't pay for that bike!"

"What was he thinking?" 

"Shouldn't someone call his parents?"

"The police will be here soon."

"Stupid kids. He was probably drunk."

"How do you think he survived?"

"What does it matter? When his parents get through with him, he'll be as good as dead."

"If he were my son…"

His eyes fluttered open to see a world of bright lights, and blurred colors, worse even then the peak of his intoxication. He closed them tightly. What had he done? Whoever had been talking had been right. He was dead. Walking dead.

He could hear the sirens. He heard the ambulance pull up, but he decided to sit up just to prove he was okay. Everything was still blurry. He suddenly realized that the reason was that his glasses were at the bottom of his helmet. He pulled the helmet off from his head and put them right. 

He didn't think he had ever had a worse headache before in his life. The pain inflicted by his scar wasn't even this intense. 

He felt something being forced inside of his mouth. The noises reverberated in his ears. He couldn't even think. Whatever had been in his mouth was jerked out. 

"How old are you?"

"fiten." He muttered incoherently.

The words he had heard so often on TV echoed in his ears. It wasn't like he wasn't expecting them. Of course he was going to jail. Where else would he go? He would be prosecuted, convicted, and sent to Azkaban forever. He would never see Sirius, or Hermione or Remus, or any of the Weasleys ever again. He didn't even find it unfair. He was an idiot. He deserved whatever punishment that he received.

He felt the cold metal assault his wrists, and with surprising compliance, he got into the car.

If he hadn't had his wrists bound, he would have placed his head in his hands. He didn't have that option. He managed to put his head as close to his knees as it would go. 

"What's your address?"

"I go to a boarding school."

"You mean Hedgeworth?"

"Yeah." He said, not even thinking about the question.

"That's a nice school. I wouldn't expect a school like that to accept a delinquent like you. I would expect you to be expelled for something like that." 

"Probably." He hadn't even thought of that! Well of course! He was going to prison. He would obviously be expelled. He would never finish his education. What about Voldemort? Who would defeat him if he was in Azkaban?

Dumbledore would be disappointed. He hoped he wouldn't have to face Sirius after this. Maybe he would be thrown in prison before he even saw his Godfather. 

"What are the charges against me right now?"

"Charges? We'll, you'll get a DUI, and the fact that you are under the drinking and driving age will make things a lot worse. You should just be thankful you're alive. You realize how lucky you are? You pretty much defied the laws of physics according to people around you."

"Imagine that." He said sarcastically. He was lucky that he was smart enough to put on a helmet though. He definitely would have died if he hadn't been wearing it. 

"Was anyone else hurt?" 

"No. Lucky for you. What made you stop, anyway?"

"I don't know. I guess it was the realization that I was breaking the law."

The cop muttered something that sounded pretty offensive.

"Kid, I almost pity you. What will your parents say?"

"I don't care. He can go to hell." He said.

"Why do you say that?"

"He's getting married."

"What's your point?"

"She's a bitch. I hate her. He didn't even tell me he was dating her until he got engaged!"

"Ouch. That's harsh. Is that why you got drunk?"

"Yeah, I guess. It was his bike."

He heard the officer laugh scoffingly. "You're dead, kid." 

"I know."

He didn't notice the silence, he was too caught up in his own thoughts. 

They arrived at the station, and with a lurch of impending doom, everything came into perspective. He was going to jail in handcuffs! The cell he would be in grew closer and the metal clank of the bars echoed in his ears.

The fact that they had no means of calling the school became apparent to him and the dread in his stomach expanded like marshmallows in a microwave. 

He sat down in the corner, hiding behind the bench. He curled himself up as tight as he could and promptly fell asleep.

End Chapter XXI – Don't Drink and Fly 

Notes: So… That did take too long, did it? And the good news… I've finished the next chapter as well. It shouldn't take long at all for me to post the next one.

And something that my beta, SP-in-Sirius-Denial (Who you can thank for this chapter not being a mess) mentioned, is what Harry said in the begging of the chapter, "Beats a razor." If you didn't get that, what he meant was that getting drunk would beat cutting himself.

So, thank you everyone who reviewed, and especially my beta. 

Responses: 

paradox01: Thanks a lot. Could it be her sickening smile? Maybe that's it.

Katiani Petitedra: Sorry about that. Not a big fan of volleyball, myself. Not to brag, but I made one hell of a goalie in floor hockey. Undefeated, actually. Couldn't get a thing by me. Of course, that was four years ago, though. Oh well.

MalletWeilderofDoom: *laughs* Well, where would the plot be if there was no evil force out to destroy the sacred bound of Sirius and Harry?  No, can't call it paradise, but as close as you can get to it. From experience, springing it is just as bad as having to deal with them for years prior to their marriage. Sorry. Got a little carried away there. In my own little world.

Aalikane: Thanks. That would be funny. I can just picture it in my mind. 

FroBoy: Wait, did it suck, or did you like it? Or did you like the chapter, but not like what happened in it? Thanks anyway.

SP-in-Sirius-Denial: Did I say that? What I meant was that I wouldn't write a story revolving around Sirius's relationship. This is just the effect of the relationship on everyone around it. More nagging huh? My head is spinning with all of the stories I'm currently working on, so don't push me too hard, or I'll lose it.

Sailoranime: Oh my God! What a review. My eyes lit up when I saw it. So lets start from the beginning. Thank you for signing in. You write your stories with a pencil? I wouldn't dare. What if someone found my notebook? Yikes. GO! Read them. No, I'm just kidding. Just don't start screaming at me because I haven't written anything in months until you have. I don't find it odd at all. I'm not big on real life fluff myself, actually. I use fanfiction as an outlet for all that hugging and junk.

If we weren't such good friends, there probably would have been that silence. I guess I can see where you are coming from with your reaction to that situation, actually. Now, I'm actually laughing at the idea of someone doing that.

The quidditch thing was supposed to appeal to you. You and you alone, actually. I knew no one else would get it. I'm just kidding. And of course you wouldn't accuse me of being lazy. Someone with such a bad tract record of unbelievably short chapters, calling me lazy? Yes, it was to heighten the impact.  

Yeah, I know, lots of cursing; there won't be too much more to come, I don't think, but I can't guarantee that. I'm pretty sure you don't mind though. 

You wish she was Voldemort, don't you? And you're still calling her 'the Brunette' I see. Well that sucks. It was suppose to be the moment of truth. You could here your heart beating. Bu-bump bu-bump bu-bump. Then suddenly, "I have to go potty." And thank you. I'm glad you thought so.  Yes, I do go over my fics a couple of times. Why, did you notice mistakes? This chapter was beta'd. So thanks again for your LONG review. (and that's a good thing)

Shawn Pickett: Urm, thanks. You had a very interesting response to Harry's reaction towards Murphy. To tell the truth, I don't find Harry's behavior odd at all. It's pretty common for kids to hate their potential stepparent. Especially for Harry, who isn't even really Sirius's son. The fact that she's not really nice doesn't help things. No, I think you misunderstood. Harry actually jinxed Murphy's alarm clock, not Hermione's. Thanks for reading anyway. There will be a better explanation for his actions next chapter.

Horsecrzy: Thanks a lot.

Star-prancer: Thanks. I'm glad you like it so much. Yes, unfortunately, he is. Sorry to say it. Oh, you like 'The Price of Love' as well? That's great. I'm working on that at this time now.

Alastormadeymoody51: Sorry. *cringes* I'm going to explain later. 

Kiki: Sorry. I hate her too. Thanks for reviewing though.

Savoy Truffle: Thanks. I will really soon.

Eternally*Mine: Hi. Nothing is shaking, sorry to say. Well, to tell the truth, I did it for plot. Well, I don't know what you mean by Ron. He's missing. He'll come back – or he won't. Yes, it was suppose to find of funny, actually. Thanks a lot. 

Notes: So thanks everyone, for reviewing, though some of you didn't have the best of reactions towards the situation. All I can say is keep reading. It will get better… or it'll get worse. You'll just have to find out yourself.  


	22. Just Forget

**Loss**

By BlackPotterGrl

Chapter XXII – Just Forget 

"Obliviate!" He awoke with start. Why would he be hearing the memory erasing charm? 

"Stupefy!" 

Lurching forward, he swiftly banged his already pounding head against the side of the bench. 

Bench? What the hell? 

The thoughts came quicker then his slow, sore brain could handle. 

He had been drunk. Why? Sirius. What had he done? Oh he was getting married. WHAT? He had stolen Sirius's bike. THE BIKE! He had wrecked it! Dear God, what was he going to do? Where was he? Oh yeah. The police station; he had been arrested. ARRESTED?! What was he going to do? And who had said obliviate?

"What," There was a pause, and he covered his ears for what he knew would come next. "THE HELL WHERE YOU THINKING?" 

The person he had least expected to be standing in front of him screaming opened the doors loudly, causing the metal to grate against itself.

Remus Lupin.

He took the neck of his shirt and pulled him up until he was standing up straight. Remus was equal to Sirius height wise.

He looked at him menacingly, and Harry didn't even want to think about what Sirius would do to him.

He jerked his shirt so that he would come, but he resisted. "No! I'm safe in here. I don't want to go back. He's going to kill me!" 

"You're damn right he's going to kill you! Do you know how worried he is – come on! Move! – ? Do you have any idea just how much damage you've done? You could be expelled! And you wrecked his bike!"

Harry had started shaking as he was pulled toward the entrance.

"Do you know how lucky you are that he didn't come down here himself? He _would_ be guilty of murder!"

They exited the station with Remus still dragging him by the collar. "Do you realize how many people I had to obliviate? You're going to see just what you did to his bike!" 

He continued to rant as Harry focused on making sure his brain didn't implode. This would be the start of a _really_ bad hangover, wouldn't it?

Remus dragged him for about four more blocks until Harry made it perfectly clear that he could walk himself. That actually earned him a cuff round the head. 

"You'll be lucky if you can walk after this." 

He walked stiffly towards the area where there were people swarming the place. He gave him a swift push into the crowd so he could see the charred remains of twisted and burnt metal. It was almost – in an odd sort of way –beautiful. 

Remus, with a look of pain, used a spell that made the bike disappear into thin air. The crowd went into hysterics, until Remus wiped their memories. 

"Well, lets go." He said in a voice lacking the anger he possessed earlier.

 They walked in silence, but Harry could feel his gaze on him, burning holes in his skull with his eyes. 

After a while of walking, Harry had to ask. "Do you think he's really going to kill me?"

"What kind of a question is that?"

"I don't know. The only time I've ever seen him angry was-"

"That was a completely different thing." He barked.

"I'm serious. When he gets mad… he's scary. Like he's going to rip your head off." 

"Harry, I've never done anything as screwed up to him as you did. I wouldn't know."

There was another silence. "Does he know about his bike?"

"Yeah." 

"Are you going to be there?"

"No."

"But-"

"If he wants to beat the crap out of you, he's going to do it regardless of whether or not I'm there. It's really none of my business anyway."

"You would let him kill me?"

"He's _not_ going to kill you Harry! He loves you."

"Bet you not as much as her." He said under his breath.

"Well after this, can you blame him?" He had been heard, apparently. 

Thus the beginning of a long string of curse words intended towards her. 

"This is really none of my business. If you don't like her, you should have said something." He raised his voice "NOT go out, get drunk, and wreck his bike!"

"Well it's kind of hard to speak when you've found out that your Godfather's marrying someone you didn't even know he was dating."

"Don't play stupid, Harry. Sirius might not have figured out you knew, but I did."

"He still didn't even tell me he was dating her."

"That's his own-"

"If you're about to tell me that it's none of my business who he goes out with…"

"Well it isn't." 

"It won't be when I move out, I guess." It was a spur of the moment statement, but he found comfort in the threat.

"Who do you plan on living with?"

"I really don't care."

"Good luck with that plan. You're fifteen, and Sirius has legal custody of you." 

"See, that's the thing about running away. It doesn't matter."

"I really don't know why you're saying this. You know I'm going to be telling Sirius everything you said."

"What will he care? He's going to be getting a brand new wife. He can have his own kids. What will he want me for? I'm damaged goods.

"What has he ever done prior to this that would make you feel this way? That he doesn't care about you? Forget Murphy."

"Well, he…" Damn! Remus had gotten him there. "Nothing." 

"Exactly." 

"But this isn't even about Sirius! Murphy – one of my worst enemies, somewhere between Malfoy and Voldemort – is going to be living with me. No! Absolutely not!"

"You don't even really hate her, do you?"

"What are you talking about? Of course I hate her!"

"You hate her because she's dating your Godfather, and he's not paying enough attention to you. Otherwise, you wouldn't even care about her." 

"I've got a headache. I don't want to talk anymore." 

"Just say, 'Remus, you're right' and I'll leave you alone." 

"NO!"

"You know I'm right."

"You aren't right. It isn't true. I hate her because… because… you know back when I had that flu. I told her I had a fever of 106, and she still expected me to do homework."

"That's a great argument, Harry."

"And she was routing against our quidditch-" He voluntarily shut up, knowing what a lame argument he was putting up.

"I'm still waiting for my 'Remus, you're right'."

"She's a bitch! She gave me a detention because I went to the bathroom without asking permission. That isn't even a rule. And when I called it on her, she took fifteen points away from Gryffindor! She's a female Snape, I tell you!" 

He looked up with horror. He had reached the front doors to the castle. He stopped.

"I can't do this." He said, making to sprint. Remus caught him long before he reached the forest.

He stopped to throw up, and tasted the nasty combination of bile and alcohol.

"Fine. If it makes you feel any better, I'll stay with you to make sure Sirius doesn't kill you. But anything less then broken bones, and I'm not saying anything." 

"Thanks, I guess." 

They walked in silence. Every step he took, the fear inside of him grew. He felt like he was going to meet Voldemort at that point. 

He met students in the hallway who gave him looks of sympathy. 

They stood in front of the entrance to Sirius's room, and Remus turned to him, looking almost sorry.

"No use delaying it any longer. It won't do any good."

"Maybe I could write him a letter apologizing, and wait for the initial anger to wear off before I talk to him."

"That's a great idea. Then he can make a list of all the gruesome things that he's going to do to you when he sees you." 

There was _another_ silence.

"Gee, that sucked."

"What did?"

"My life just passed before my eyes." 

Remus couldn't help but snort.

"Get in there."

His hand trembled as he turned the knob. He pushed forward to find the room in shambles. Everything was broken. Lamps, vases, pictures; they all lay shattered on the ground. 

"Doesn't look like anyone's home. I can come back." He whispered to Remus.

"Sirius?" Remus ignored him.

And there he stood. 

He hadn't even been aware of his presence for two seconds before he found himself being yanked into the room by his collar with enough force to give him whiplash.

"Remus. I'll fire you later. Go home." He voice was deadly solemn. That alone scared the shit out of him.

"NO! Remus!" He called before he could stop himself.

"Good luck, Harry." He was quiet, like Sirius would strike out at him as well. "I'll check on you in twenty minutes" 

And he was gone. He turned, as slowly as he could, frightened.

And before he knew what had happened, he was dangling by his shirt, almost five inches off of the ground. He grabbed the hand clutched on his collar in fear he would be dropped.

He shook violently, squeezing his eyes shut. Bracing himself.

"I really want to know what the hell is wrong with you!" The first blow was across his face. He didn't know if he was bleeding, but he didn't think so.

"What could have possessed you to be that stupid?!" Another smack upside the head.

"What have I ever done to you that would make you treat me like that? Too many bludgers to the head? DO YOU KNOW HOW WORRIED I WAS? How do you think I felt waking up to find out my fifteen-year-old godson had gotten drunk in a bar, and my bike was missing? My bike's gone. Gone forever! God damn it!" Through the course of his rant, he had been smacked two more times.  

"Ppplease. I'm, I'm sssorry." 

"Sorry? You think you're sorry? I'm sorry I have to call myself your Godfather."

By this time, tears had been flooding down his face. It had been to his belief that it was from the physical pain. But at these words, he gave out a sob of despair. 

He shook him violently. "Well? What the hell is wrong with you?"

"Please! I'm sorry! Stop hitting me, please." He closed his eyes, deciding he would remain that way until Sirius let him go.

He felt himself being lowered to the ground. His legs couldn't hold his weight and he fell to his knees, landing among pieces of glass that imbedded themselves in his legs. He looked up in shock.

He needn't have, because a moment later, Sirius had fallen besides him.

He found Sirius's arms wrapped around him. "NO! Please! Don't!" It had been his initial reaction, thinking he was going to be choked to death.

Sirius let go of him immediately, and it took him a few seconds to realize what he had thought to be a throttle had actually been a hug. 

Sirius stood up, and fled the room. Harry had no idea where he was going, because he figured that he had probably taken the day off of work.

He turned, briefly. "You've been suspended. If you're here when I get back, then you can stay here. Other wise, you can ask Remus if you can stay with him, but you have to meet with Dumbledore soon."

He got to his feet shakily. His jeans were covered in blood and he decided that the first order of business was to get the glass out of his legs. 

He walked to the bathroom to look at his reflection. The entire area around his eye was a mess of distorted color.  The circles of sleep mixed with the swollenness from his tears, and overall, he looked like he had pink-eye, they were so bloodshot.  His hair was a mess, but it barely made a difference. His once white shirt was now saturated with amber, and he smelled like a bum. 

His face was swollen from all of the blows, but besides a split lip, he wasn't bleeding. 

He borrowed a pair of clothes from Sirius. He took off his pants and found a pair of tweezers, and began wrenching glass out. 

He had to stop numerous times, when he found himself enjoying himself a bit too much.

The smaller pieces weren't quite as easy to get out, as he knew they wouldn't be. He found himself having to tear them out of his flesh with a summoning charm. He took a shower and let himself sulk under the flow of water. He had to jut his head out from behind the curtain when a stressed out Remus barged into the bathroom, frantically, asking why no one had told him what was going on.

He considered asking him if he could crash at his place for a week, but ceased from doing it.

He knew that the two of them had to have a talk. He wasn't sure whether he should be scared of him, or if he should apologize to him. On the one hand, he was still furious at him for getting engaged without even telling him he was dating someone, and the fact that he was marrying someone who he had a personal grudge against made it all the worse.

On the other hand, Sirius had been genuinely concerned about him, though Harry had a feeling it was more of the fact that he had destroyed his bike that caused him to hit him. 

He bandaged his legs, and went out to the living room and promptly fell asleep. 

He woke up to find that it was ten O'clock. He was a little bit surprised to find a blanket he couldn't remember pulling over himself. 

He stood up and his back cracked. He _had_ slept in a ball the previous night. 

He knocked on Sirius's bedroom door, and he heard a whine of annoyance behind the door. "Harry? Is that you?" 

"Yeah." He opened the door just enough to look in. 

The light shined through the crack in the door, and he saw Sirius sit up, rubbing his eyes, and turn to him with a glare. "You're still mad at me." It wasn't a question.

"You're damn right I'm still mad at you. And some of us actually sleep at night, you should try it some time." It was a low blow, and he wondered if Sirius realized it. 

"I only wanted to apologize." His voice was in a low whisper, and he didn't know or care if Sirius heard him. "I'll just go now." Harry assumed he had, judging by the look of regret on his face.

He shut the door quietly, and made his way to the room he assumed would be his. He curled up in a ball under the covers and tried to pretend he wasn't hurt. He was restless, and hungry, but he didn't dare risk waking Sirius up. 

Five minutes past, and he was still no where near tired from his nap. He tried to block out the horrible thoughts that plagued him. 

What if Sirius didn't care about him anymore? He knew he was being stupid at that point, but what if he didn't? He had never hit him before. Not like he had.

He was getting married. What if Murphy convinced him not to care about him anymore. She didn't like him. 

What if Sirius decided to have more kids? What did that make him? There was Sirius, his wife Murphy, and his kids. But where did he fit into that picture? It wasn't even like Murphy liked him, and would love having him live there. It would be like every day he was just a nuisance who really didn't belong. 

He and Sirius had always worked well living together because they had both been pretty much alone. Sirius had Remus, and Harry had Hermione and Ron, but they really didn't have anyone else who demanded attention. The Weasleys had always been close, but they were already a family. Everyone knew where they stood. He was just a visitor; a friend. Everyone had a place, and his was temporary. He didn't even have Ron as an excuse to crash there anymore.

That was how it had been with Sirius up until Murphy destroyed that. He had always had a place at his house. They were almost like father and son. No one had ever really questioned where he stood, but if Sirius really _had_ a son, those differences would be acknowledged. His son would be his son, and Harry would just be some kid that Sirius had to take care of up until he turned eighteen because of some stupid promise he had made to some dead friends. How could he go back to term 'son' when Sirius actually had a biological son to take that spot?

That was the reason the Dursley's liked Dudley so much better than him, right? Because Dudley was their _son_, and he was their _nephew_. He didn't want to go back to being 'boy' who lived under a cupboard and was treated like a slave. 

Where would he stand now?

Sirius hated him already. He had destroyed his bike. He had gotten drunk. Sirius would want nothing to do with him. What a perfect excuse to disown him. Maybe he _should_ run away. He didn't know where he would live. He could take out an apartment, and say that he was old enough to rent it. The question of money came up, but he could get a job in London. Maybe he could stay with Hermione for a little while. 

He felt the bed sag, and was a bit shocked. Wasn't Sirius mad at him? Had he come back to yell at him some more.

"What is it?" He asked, pulling his head out from under the comforter, and, not meaning to, edged away a bit.

Sirius sat cross legged next to him. "I'm sorry."

"You don't have to be sorry. I'm sorry." He replied, not really in the mood to have this conversation. 

"No, I really should be. I'm so sorry. I really didn't mean to lose my temper like that."

"It's alright, Sirius. I deserved it." 

"No, you didn't deserve it. Nobody does. I was just so worried about you. Seriously, Harry. It wasn't because of the bike. I don't even care about that. I just couldn't believe you did something that stupid. I thought you knew better then to let alone drink. But to drive, as well?" 

"Are you kidding me? You're mad about me drinking?" He was shocked. "Jeez, Sirius. I'm fifteen. Everyone drinks at my age. I'm sure you did."

Sirius gave him a solemn look that left him sort of cold inside. "Have you ever seen me drink? Ever?"

"Well, no, but you must have when you were younger." Harry was losing his nerve. "Right?"

Sirius gave him another blank stare, and then shook his head.

"What? You? You've never gotten drunk before?"

"No."

"But… why not?"

"Because my parents drank."

"So…"

"So, I learned from example exactly what alcohol does to people. The chances of me being an alcoholic are too large."

He couldn't be sure how long he was quiet for. When he finally spoke, he was a stuttering mess. Why hadn't he considered that? That Sirius would have some emotional issues with alcohol. 

He stopped himself when Sirius put a hand up telling him to quit while he was behind. 

"Look. It's your life. If you're going to drink, it's really none of my business. I don't like it – don't presume that means I accept it – but when you reach the drinking age, that's your right. Until then, however…"

"I get it, Sirius. I won't drink."

"And what if you hadn't been wearing that helmet? You would have been splattered across the side of that building." He seemed to be gaining the momentum to go on a rant.

"I know, Sirius-"

"Do you know what I would have done if you had died? I should have had this talk with you sooner. Why was I so quick to assume you knew better?" He wondered if Sirius realized that was his weakness… he hated when other people blamed themselves for the stupid things he had done. He hadn't had a lot of experience growing up; everything had been his fault.

"I'm sorry, alright? It was a stupid thing to do. I realize that. I'll start looking in the newspaper, alright?"

"Remus fixed it, Harry. Nobody except the staff knows about it. It wouldn't be in the paper."

"I meant for an apartment." 

"What are you talking about?" Sirius asked him. 

"Well, you aren't going to want me living with you, now, and I'm not going to be able to live with Murphy…"

"You're not moving out, Harry."

There was silence as he realized that Sirius wasn't going to elaborate, so he decided to pursue it further.

"But, what about-" He wasn't sure how to put it in words.

"I'm sorry if you don't like her, but you're not moving out." There was no room for argument in his voice, but he didn't want to take that for an answer. 

"You want me, still?"

"What is your obsession with being wanted? Did Ron get kicked out of his house when his parents were angry with him?"

"No, but, he's their…" He faded out.

He remembered back to when he had been sick. Sirius had been so adamant about Harry not calling him 'Dad'. He had been feverish at the time, but now it felt like ice in his stomach. He would never hear the term son, in reference to him.

There was silence. They had never discussed this. They had never had a reason to. It was new territory, and Harry didn't like the feeling it was giving him in his gut. He should have never set his expectations so high, because it now left him feeling disappointed. He was hating the feeling he got.

"I'm not your son, you've made that perfectly clear." Sirius didn't respond, and he couldn't read the expression in his face, before he turned away from him. "So, I have no reason to expect you to treat me as such. I'm your godson, so you really have no real obligation towards me. I screwed up. I screwed up." He struggled to keep speaking. The words caused him pain, as if he was fighting with his lungs to keep letting him speak. "It's my own fault. You should forget about me."

Sirius was still studying the darkened wall. He forced himself to keep talking. He felt tired, now. He wrapped himself tighter in his blanket to sooth his numbness. His brain was overcome by a fog. "You should just start your own family. I'm weighing you down, aren't I? Like your past keeps haunting you. You should forget about my parents, and forget about me. Just get married, and have your own kids, and… forget about me."

He breathed in. He felt like his insides were being crushed. He felt himself nodding off. Sirius wrapped his arms around him, and he didn't have the energy to protest. He ignored the single tear running down his face and he struggled to stay conscious. 

He heard the words repeated as if a mantra as he drifted off. "It's not true Harry. It isn't. I won't forget you. It isn't true. I love you." 

****

**End Chapter XXII – Just Forget**

Notes: I'm deliberating between posting the responses on my live journal. Tell me if you think it's a good idea. 

And I know what you're thinking. *gasp!* Sirius? Hit Harry? NEVER! (Obviously, you've never read my other fic) But, yes, that was essential to the plot. And you have to take into consideration that most parents _do_ hit their children for disciplinary reasons. 

So, don't be too harsh in the reviews, and I beg you to keep reading even though the whole situation looks hopeless. 

Responses (24! Wow!)

MalletWeilderofDoom: Erm, glomp? Is that a hug? Well, now it's in my vocabulary, so I'll be using it periodically. Actually, he wasn't flying it, he was only driving it in the street. The end must have confused you. It only 'flew' into the pole because the car had hit it. So, thank you for your review. It caused me much laughter and amusement. 

Xirleb70: Wow. That was a really nice review. Thank you.

Aalikane: *snickers* Harry sounds a bit like a drill sergeant. 

Katani Petitedra: I was wincing a bit while writing it. This chapter, however, I was near tears. I hated doing that to Harry. And, in a strange way, to Sirius. Thanks.

Paradox01: Of course. Very fun. Thank you. 

Buffy Summers1: That's all right. I know I usually don't have time to review. I hope this met your approval. Thank you.

Sweet Lory Black: Thank you. Murphy is a bitch, I know. I was hoping everyone would find that scenarios funny, even though it shouldn't be. Thank you.

FroBoy: Not kill, exactly, just smack around a bit. I'm figuring everyone who said 'Sirius is going to kill Harry!' was just being dramatic, and probably weren't even expecting him to be hit. Thank you.

Sailoranime: Wow! Another long one! I just love your reviews. This would probably be a 4kb if I had hotmail for this account. Maybe I should try using your system. Alistair? Very interesting. Oh, I've had emergencies. Especially when I'm taking a bath (too much info, I know!) I'm always getting these bright ideas. I'm waiting for your next update. Of course, I've been horribly inspired lately. I'm not supposed to be posting, I'm supposed to be reading! My Mom would be upset. 

For being on such a tight schedule, you sure left a long review. (Leave another one!) Um, forty words? I get mad at myself when I can't get past 500, but we're all different. I'm glad you didn't find any mistakes, or I would have to fire my beta (though I would probably chop off my hand before doing that, and then I wouldn't be able to type anymore! AH! Actually, on second thought, I don't think she did the chapter you're referring to). 

I read, reread, and read until my eyes are sore. I actually like going back to favorite parts in my story, and rereading them just to get inspiration for future fluff. Oh, drunk Harry's funny. I can't wait to see the drunk Remus in your story though. *Laughs*. You have to read 'Bitter', if you want to see my rendition of Harry as a bad boy. I'm glad you got the razor thing.

That's fine. You don't want to know what I call her. Well, Murphy is her last name. Though, I doubt you'll want to call her Carmon. Do you think I'm spelling that right? That made me laugh. "I would hate if Sirius were dating guys. Where is Remus, anyway?" Well, in this chapter, of course. Do you remember, way back, a while ago? We had that discussion on my yahoo group. No one knows. I figure they're blue, but they can be gray, thought I don't like the thought of that.  

Tatshing: Don't we all? Thanks for reviewing. 

Savoy Truffle: Thank you very much. I've read your story, as well. I'm still waiting for you to update your prequel, though I was horrified at the scene where Harry got raped. Too bad he had to get shot, I was waiting for it happen again. *blushes* Not that… I like the thought of him being raped… never mind. Thanks for your review. 

Star-prancer: Your welcome. Thank _you_ for your review. Thanks for noticing that. And that will come up again. Can't say more then that though. 

Lizziepooh29: Thank you for your review. She aggravates me at times as well.

Lanfear1: Harry didn't get hurt, exactly. He was wearing his helmet, and I think I mentioned way back when that when he wears the helmet, he doesn't get hurt. Or did you mean the bike? No, the bike is wrecked (as you probably realized). Oh, I'm sorry you had to go through with that horrible experience. No body should have to read that book. *shakes head* Thanks for reviewing. 

Shawn Pickett: I'm glad you got that figured out. (I mean the alarm clock) This chapter should explain some of his fears. Thank you. 

Kiki: Thank you. : )

Someone: Amusingly interesting, huh? Cool. Thanks for your review.

Serinthia: Uh, well for starters, I'm almost done this anyway. But no, I don't plan on abandoning it. 

Calen: Probably. He was pretty drunk though. And, plus, they were closing, and they were threatening to call the school. 

HP-lover-1-lol-: That's going to come up later, though I probably shouldn't say anything. It probably seemed like a good idea at the time. Thank you for your review.

Hitchcock: *snickers* Yeah, she is annoying, isn't she. I'm glad the whole thing doesn't seem terribly out of character to you. Thanks for reviewing.

Oceanjewel: Thank you for reviewing. : )

Wow Girl (Or 80, for short): I was laughing hysterically at your review. Does this explain the reason behind me asking you about being drunk? Wow, erm, that was quite a review. If this had been any story but mine, and author but me, what is it that you would have done? I'm waiting. *looks at watch* Come on, I want to know. *looks at watch, and starts humming* That comment was a bit random. In the course of a bunch of wows, that you hope your Mom doesn't marry her boyfriend. I guess I can say with all honesty "Welcome to the world of Katie *mumbles last name*". And if you thought last chapter was worth a wow, I can't wait until you review this one! Actually, I'm still waiting for you to respond to my email. At least, I think it's your turn.

Sunnysparkles: Wow, all twenty one? Thank you. I'm glad you like them. 

Notes: So thank you all for everyone who reviewed. You really motivate me to keep on writing. Next chapter should be pretty controversial as well. 


	23. Cut to your Ego

**Loss**

By BlackPotterGrl

Chapter XXIII – Cut to your ego 

He wanted so bad to forget the next morning, as he woke up, that any of it had happened at all. He would wake up in his own bed, in his own dorm, with all of his roommates waking up and getting dressed, and Sirius wouldn't be engaged, and he wouldn't be suspended, and Sirius's bike would still be intact, and he would have a stable home to go to next summer.

Of course, he was in the spare bedroom in Sirius's place, and he was still suspended, judging by the time: 11:30. 

He had to remember the next time he saw Sirius to ask him how long he was out of school for, and what the boundaries were.

He got out of bed and nearly tripped over his trunk. If that wasn't saying something, he didn't know what was. 

He found a post-it attached to the top. 

_You are to go to Dumbledore's office to meet with the both of us for lunch._

It was in Sirius's handwriting. He assumed he should be thankful for being able to sleep off his hangover yesterday.  

With a stomach full of dread, he turned towards the clock and realized he had only twenty minutes to go until his lunch hour would start. 

He striped off the overlarge clothes he had been wearing and examined the wounds on his legs.

He took a brief shower and tried to get his mind off the impending doom. 

He left the teacher's wing just as classes where letting out, and ran right into Hermione. 

He almost shielded himself, because she looked like lasers where going to shoot out of her eyes. 

"Harry." She didn't seem to heed the rest of the students in the hallway. "What the HELL where you thinking?" she hollered. 

There was sudden silence, and he watched with a half-smile as she instantly turned bright red. 

After about fifteen seconds of humiliating silence on Hermione's part – and Harry's as well – the rest of the students began talking again. 

"That seems to be the question of the week." He said wryly. "Listen Hermione, I really have to go. I'm meeting with Dumbledore."

She looked like she was going to cry. "OH, you're going to be expelled!" she moaned. "I'm going to be left here all alone with Malfoy!"

"I'm not getting expelled." He said, quietly. 

"Oh, I wouldn't be so sure of that." He should have known. It was Snape. 

"Come on, Potter. You don't have time to socialize." He said silkily. He wondered why Snape was reminding him. Unless he knew something he didn't. 

"Gotta go, Hermione." He whispered hoarsely. 

He began walking again, this time stiffer then ever. He wasn't surprised to see that Snape was following him, because he knew if he was getting expelled, Snape would want a front row seat. 

"Snow caps." Snape said, in an irritated voice. 

But he didn't follow him. 

He opened the door to the familiar office, and remembered the last time he had been there. He hoped the news wouldn't be as overwhelming as it had been then. 

"Sit down, Harry." Dumbledore said, quietly. He sat down in a chair trying to get far away from Sirius. 

He pulled at a lose thread on his shirt. It kept unraveling, and the material started to bunch.

Dumbledore looked like he wanted to speak, but Sirius cut him off, first.

"Before we start, I just want to remind you of what an idiot you are." 

"Thanks. I had almost forgotten for a minute. It's great to have such a loving Godfather like you to remind me periodically." 

Playing from the basic rules of surviving as a teenager, he made the classic mistake, and took all the fear and nervousness, and turned then into witty remarks that would just get him into more shit.

He ignored the groaning and stamping of feet of the little voice that reminded him when he was doing something stupid. 

"If I could speak?" Dumbledore said, drawing Sirius's attention away from him. "Harry. I think you know what you're here for. You have been here-by suspended for the rest of the week."

He nodded, the dread growing more painful, and the smart remarks gathering up in his brain. 

"This is what we call, a hearing. You and your guardians, or guardian, in your case, discus whether or not you should be expelled or not." 

The acid bubbled in his stomach, painfully. In grade school, he had been 'randomly selected' – though Harry knew for a fact that Dudley had fixed it – to read the announcements at the end of the school day. A hated position. Everyday he had to walk down to the principal's office to struggle over words in front of a loud speaker, but, every once in a while, the door would be closed, and there would be a little boy or girl crying, with his parents looking furious. The secretary would tell him they were having a hearing, and Harry had always thought, "At least I'm not that kid." 

"I, myself want to know why you decided it would be a good idea to steal, and wreck, a facility member's vehicle, and get drunk in the process."

There was a silence. How was he suppose to explain his reason to a 150-year-old man, who also happened to decide whether or not he would still get an education. 'Maybe I should be expelled' he wondered.

"Because-" 

'Oh no! Don't say what you want to say, Harry! Don't!' The little voice warned him.

"I… I was angry… with Sirius. I didn't want him to get married." The little voice sighed with relief. 

"Yes, I'm aware of that."

"I was just… really upset over it." 

"Did it ever once cross your mind to talk to him about your disapproval of his engagement?" 

There was a silence. Embarrassment flushed his face. He couldn't admit the truth. That he had been scared. He couldn't do it. He couldn't put Sirius to the ultimate test, between Murphy and him, because he was afraid. Afraid he would lose. 

"No." 

"That's your own mistake, Harry. You're going to need to learn how to manage your anger."

"I'm sorry. I'm just… really sorry." 

"Sorry won't bring my bike back." Sirius muttered in a voice that clearly said he wanted that comment ignored.   
  


'Don't say it, Harry! Don't! You're still in so much shit! Don't say it!' The voice didn't exactly get its point across, and decided to duck for cover.

"Well telling you I hate your fiancé won't make you dump her." 

"I guess we're both right." 

The little voice had to practically strangle the persistent urge to call her a bitch. The one argument that got through to him was that he was sitting right in front of Dumbledore.  

"Harry. May I ask why you have such a problem with your professor?" 

"She's the one who hates me!"

"I highly doubt that."

"Why not? Is it that hard to believe that a teacher could hate me for no valid reason?" He said, matter-of-factly.

"What makes you think she hates you?"

His discussion with Remus the previous day was still haunting him. His stupid allegation that she had made him do homework when he was sick would have probably utterly destroyed his credibility. 

"She just really doesn't like me. Any idiot could tell you that. She glares at me all through class. She picks on me for stupid stuff. Gives me detention for things I didn't do. I don't know what I did to her. She just doesn't like me." Not really a huge lie. She did do most of those things. The truth was he was pretty sure she was on to him about most of the pranks he had pulled.

Dumbledore took this information in slowly, and with his hands folded, Harry realized that he had come to a  conclusion about his punishment. 

"Harry. The utter irresponsibility that you displayed was something I would never have expected of you. I honestly don't know what you were thinking when you made the choice to intoxicate yourself, and I can only assume that your reason to drive was the result of the alcohol you ingested. I seriously considered whether or not your godfather should be let go. You obviously can't handle him working here."

Harry's eyes widened. If he was expelled, that would be his own burden to deal with. If Sirius was fired because he had done something stupid… that would be something he would have to live with for the rest of his life.

"I took into account, however, that you've had quite a lot to deal with in a short amount of time. The death of your relatives, your best friend's disappearance, the discovery that Voldemort's death relies on you, and now the news that your Godfather is engaged. I don't approve of your behavior, but I'm holding stress responsible for your actions." Sirius bit his lip a bit, probably realizing that this had been a really stupid thing to spring on him midway through a lot of already straining events.

"The destruction of Professor Black's bike." He started. "I've decided that I'm going to handle this as a family problem. Since the bike was Sirius's, it's up to him to decide the punishment."

He examined Harry a little discontentedly. "Although," He said to Sirius, "I would hope you refrain from hitting him again. I would think you of all people would know better then to hit your child." 

Through Dumbledore's speech, he had felt a little cold at the words 'family' and 'child', and the voice had to make a return to stop him from reminding Sirius that he didn't consider Harry either of those terms, though he had no idea if he did or not. 

The expression of Sirius's face stopped him from commenting. He looked as though he had been punched in the stomach. Dumbledore either didn't notice, or wasn't concerned. 

"Harry. You are not allowed to roam the hallways for the next week, except for hours when you wouldn't normally be in class. You have access to the grounds, but that is about all. You are not allowed in your dorms, either, so you are to stay with Sirius. You are allowed to eat in the great hall. Normally, you would go home, but under these circumstances, you don't have any supervision for the next week. Unfortunately, because I'm giving you a break on your punishment, you are on probation for the rest of the year. If you are suspended again, you will immediately be expelled, regardless of the circumstances." 

He nodded, numbly. 

"Sirius, you may return to teach your lessons, or you may have someone else cover your lessons for the rest of the day to discuss Harry's punishment. Harry, you may go back to your Godfather's room."

His legs felt heavy as he descended the stairs behind Sirius. 

He bumped into him when he stopped suddenly outside of his office.

"Harry, I've decided on your punishment. I thought you would like to know." He turned looking at him.

He took an automatic step backwards, flinching. 

Sirius flinched as well, but he looked more hurt than nervous. Then he looked a bit sorry. 

"I'm taking your broom away for the rest of the year. You aren't to play quidditch, formally, or informally for the rest of the year, and that involves any flying what so ever. I'll give it back to you at the beginning of the summer." 

He felt his heart being wrenched out of his chest and thrown to the floor and stomped on. 

And then, sudden calm.

There was silence for a few ticks, as his face went from devastated to nonchalant. 

Sirius looked at him nervously. "Please, Harry. Scream, rant, I don't care. I really don't like the look on your face right now."

"No, it's all right, Sirius. I deserve it. It's all my fault. I was stupid. I won't play quidditch this year." 

"I- I'm glad you understand." He still had a look of unease as he turned and left for his classes. 

He walked back to the teachers hallway, and through the door past the wolf. 

He didn't have much time, because Sirius would be suspicious, he realized. 

____

He sat at the kitchen table and put his head down in his arms. He couldn't handle all of it. If Sirius had just waited perhaps a week later, he would have had more time to deal with this. But he was drowning, and someone had just tied a rock to his ankle. He knew he deserved it, so he couldn't blame Sirius. He couldn't blame anybody. He knew Murphy was probably the reason behind all of this, but at this point, he realized that he had to take responsibility for it. 

The word 'burden' flashed through his head for the first time in many months. He hated himself for it. He was the reason Sirius had no bike. He was making him feel guilty. He wanted Sirius to be happy. Sirius should be happy. So he would have Murphy.

He hadn't wanted Sirius to have to choose between him and his girlfriend. Now… he wouldn't have to. 

He was the reason Gryffindor wouldn't have a seeker any longer. He had hurt everyone in some way or another. He had thought it would be a good idea to abandon Hermione, and ended up hurting her more. He hadn't been able to save Ron… 

He stared unseeingly down at the table. Down at the knife.

He didn't know what he was doing. Was he cutting, or was he…? 

He felt the itchy sensation at his eyes, but he didn't cry. He didn't want to, and he wouldn't let himself. 

He fingered the blade, and let one of the drops of blood fall onto the dark wood table. 

He raised it towards his exposed wrist, and turned the blade facing the blue vessels.

He tightened his hold on the handle, and stretched it away from him, as he fell to the ground, shock exploding from his mouth in the form of a gasp. 

Both of his shoulders touched the ground as one strong arm pinned down his chest. His legs lost feeling from weight of being sat on as he struggled in a last futile attempt to do what had attempted. This would be his last chance to do it.

Another arm grabbed the wrist he held the knife in and the other yanked the exposed handle downwards, leaving the blade to slice through his clenched fist. 

He could not only feel the warm blood soaking through his palm, but he could see it, stained on the knife as it was wrenched out. 

With a loud thud, the knife had been thrown violently into the wooden drawer holding the silverware, ironically, and out of his grasp. 

There was nothing left in his hand but sticky blood.

And then, of course, he struggled. He wanted his freedom. He was hysterical, and the only thing he could think of was that he needed Sirius to get off of him. 

He was laying on the ground, with his shoulders pinned down on the cold tile against two rough hands. Sirius was sitting on his legs, so he couldn't move them either. 

"Let me go. Get off me!" His voice broke in his terror and uncertainty. He hated the tears that spilled down his checks, but he had no idea what to do. The panic that he felt was beyond any he had ever had before. 

He was pinned down for one minute more, until his thrashing died down, and no energy was left except to sob. Sirius was so much bigger then him. He couldn't compete with his strength, and the fact that he hadn't eaten in almost two days contributed to this.

Sirius had yet to speak. In the beginning, his expression had been of horror. Then, it had changed to determination. Now he looked exhausted. 

Finally, he felt the hands on his shoulders slacken, and he rose quickly, though his legs where still being sat on.

There was silence for a few ticks, as they both looked at each other. Harry, through his tears, looked with grief, and Sirius, with a look that said quite clearly, "How could you do this?" But he decided to voice it anyway.

"How could you do this, Harry? I don't understand how you could be this stupid! What the hell where you thinking?" His voice wasn't angry. It wasn't raised. It was sad. Almost lament.

He couldn't speak. He couldn't explain. How was he supposed to explain? Did Sirius think this was about quidditch? Did he think he was that shallow? He couldn't voice this though. He wanted things to go back to the way they had been. When Sirius could just give him a hug, and everything would feel better. 

"Harry talk to me. Tell me what's wrong." His voice was high, and almost panicky.

"You know exactly what's wrong." He wanted to shout it, even though Sirius's face was only a few decameters away.

"Talk to me. I want things to be like they were. You used to be able to talk to me."

"How am I suppose to talk to you when you aren't listening to me? You don't listen. You don't care, so why should I bother?" 

"What makes you think I don't care? Harry, what I have done that would make you think that?" 

"You didn't care enough to tell me that you were dating. You didn't care what I thought of her. You don't care that I hate her." 

"Harry, so much shit has happened in the past few months, and you had so many problems going on already, there was no real time I could just spring it on you that I had been dating someone for the past four months."

"Well you did a fine job of springing your engagement on me."

"I had thought that you had enough time to move past Ron, and all of that to deal with something like this rationally. Apparently, I was wrong." 

"Yeah, I guess you were." 

"But, Harry. You can't go trying to kill yourself over some stupid shit like that. So I'm getting married. What does it really matter?"

"What does it matter!?" His voice rose so that Sirius had to lean backwards. "How the hell doesn't it matter? You're my godfather. I know you don't consider me your son, but you're practically my father. Who ever you marry I'm going to have to deal with for the next three years!"

Sirius averted his eyes as he had done the previous night when Harry commented on him not being considered his son. "I'm the one who's marrying her, not you." 

"I'm still living with her!"

"You don't have to like her, Harry. You just have to deal with her." 

"You not giving much goddamn choice on the matter, now are you?"

"Nobody gets to chose who their parents are." 

"Well I guess the apple doesn't fall far from the tree, huh?" He regretted saying what he had, but not enough to apologize.  

"I'm not like my parents." He said quietly, as though he himself wasn't even sure.

"I wouldn't know, I've never met them before."

"I apologized for hitting you. It will never happen again, Harry. I swear." 

"I don't expect it to. Anyways, why bother beating your kid when you can do so much more damage psychologically scarring them."

Sirius rolled his eyes. 

"Um, I was wondering if you wouldn't mind getting off of my legs. They're going to need amputation soon." 

Sirius eyed him suspiciously, but got off of him. 

He pulled his legs up to his chest as soon as he was released, and rubbed them to get the circulation going again. He dried his face off with his non injured hand as Sirius sat cross-legged next to him.

"Look, Harry. I'm really sorry, but nothing that you say to me is going to change my mind about my marriage. I love you Harry. I really do! But, I love Carmon in a different sort of way." He claimed. Harry didn't want to think about it.

"You- you were the only really stable thing I had in my life. I mean, Ron's gone, and Hermione been… different since he disappeared. I don't even know her anymore. Everything has just been going out of control. You were the only thing that stayed constant through the whole mess. Now, you're not even the same. I hate this. I want everything back the way it was."

There was silence again. Now that he got that off his chest, he realized that that had been the source of the whole thing. 

Everything was changing, and the one thing he had counted on staying the same was making the biggest adjustment of all.

"Harry, you're my godson. You'll always be my godson. That's never going to change." 

"How much significance is that going to have when you decided to have your own kids?" 

"What makes you think I'm going to have my own kids anyway?"

"I don't know. You're getting married. That usually the first thing everyone wants to do as soon as they get married. Have kids." 

"Okay, yeah there is the possibility that I might want to have kids. Would you like me to at least wait until you turn eighteen before I start though?"

Tears rushed to his eyes. "Not even married yet and it's all ready starting."

"What? What are you talking about?"

"Would you like to start the countdown today? Only three more years and he's out of our hair forever. I've already dealt with resentment for the past fifteen years. I know exactly what that's like." Tears rolled steadily down his face again.

"I don't get what you're trying to say. I don't resent you."

"No, but she will. Everyday, it'll be like I'm back at the Dursley's. It isn't going to be 'our' house, it's going to be 'your' house. I'll be living in her house, and she'll probably remind me of it every day. I'm the reason you can't have kids yet. The reason you can't have a family." Aggravation got the best of him. "Every day I'm going to hear that I'm out of her house the day that I turn eighteen." 

"It's not going to be like that. I wouldn't let that happen." Sirius said.

"Why do you keep making promises that you know you can't keep?" 

"I'm telling you the truth, Harry." 

"Look." He said, getting to his feet. "This summer, I'm just going to start looking for a new place to live. You can stop pretending and not have to worry about me messing everything up for you and your new wife. I'll just get out of your hair. He walked towards the hallway, backwards looking Sirius in the face as he said this. Sirius got to his feet as well. He paused in front of the entrance, still facing his godfather, mentally counting to five. 'Five seconds. If he doesn't say anything in five seconds, he really doesn't want me.' He thought. '1', Sirius didn't move. He stood, staring at him solemnly. '2' he ran his hands through his hair. '3'. He looked down, not facing him, '4', he turned '5', he sat down at the table. 

Harry turned his head away, a fresh batch of tears slowly careening down his face as he lay back in bed, briefly realizing he was going to have to follow up that empty threat. 

****

End Chapter XXIII- Cut to your ego 

Notes: Hey. Nice and sweet chapter, huh? Well, angst galore at least. I've got something else up my sleeve as well. So next chapter's all ready been started, so you shouldn't have to wait too long.

I cried while writing this chapter. It was reading it over again, and I didn't think that it was that bad, but… I don't know. It's probably a different reaction among readers then the author, right?

I know, really crappy title. I'm sorry for that. I couldn't think of anything, and I want to get this thing out tonight, so work with me here. 

Responses:

FroBoy: Yeah, I guess. Spanking seems a bit young, don't you think? Anyway, having his broom taken away is going to suck even more, I'd bet. Thanks for your review.

Katini Petitedra: Wow, thanks. It always seemed really cruel that authors really liked the fact that their reviewers claimed they cried while reading the chapter, but I'm really flattered.

Eruve tinwen: Oh, really? I guess I'm half sad, and half happy that people are claiming last chapter made them cry. Yeah, I'm pretty sure almost all of the reviewers would back you up.

Lanfear1: Child abuse isn't what Sirius did to Harry. Child Abuse is when a parent hits a child for no real reason besides just to take out their aggression. Sirius wouldn't do that to Harry… at least not in this fic of mine. I know a lot of parents who punish their kids by hitting them. Thanks for your review none the less. Remus's reaction was only because he knew he really didn't have any say in the matter. Thanks a lot.

Oceanjewel: Yeah, I know. Thanks for your review.

Shawn Pickett: I guess it's a matter of point of view. Thanks for your review.

WithinEveryDarkenessIsLight: Thanks a lot. I worked pretty hard on last chapter. This chapter I worked even harder.

Aalikane: Well, you're theory is unique. You get points for that. But no, Petunia is dead in this story, actually. Way back in chapter 2. Thanks for your review.

Lory In Love: Uh… okay. Different strokes for different folks, I guess. Oh, don't worry, you can't even be in the same room as me when I'm high on caffeine.

Xirleb70: Pretty Irish myself. Can't go to beach period. Had to learn that the hard way. Punched my stepfather once, and this girl from school… well, don't want to talk about that punishment. Don't worry, you're not alone. Everyone hated Murphy. I think I mentioned in our conversation on AIM that I don't know any other story's like that, so sorry. Gee, that's really nice to hear! So, thanks for your review.

Sailoranime: Yes, I read it. In fact, remember when I said I was going to do fan art? Well, I did it. The bad part, I can't show it to you. *sigh* I asked my Mom to take me to Kinko's, but when I refused to tell her want I wanted from there, she said she wouldn't take me. I should have said it was for mothers day… oh well. I have you on author alerts as well, as you probably know as well. 11 O'clock is when I'm forced to get off the Internet. Sucks for me, I know.

I've decided I'm not going to. I wanted to do it for my other account, and now, I can't get to them, so I can't post my chapter. It just sucks. Parental controls will be the death of me, I tell you! You realize that you said, "Whoops, I said 40 words? I meant 40." I'm still not sure what you meant. I'm guessing 400, or 4000. 4000 is my goal for every chapter. I always stick to that, except for chapter… I don't know, and I don't feel like checking. Sorry, I'm just really tired, and want to get this chapter up. 

Read it when you get around to it. It's really not that big a deal. *Pouts to self* No, I'm just kidding. Hmm… murderous shalt shakers? Strange, actually. I've seen and been around a lot of drunk people, but I've never actually seen one that slurs. I think it'll be funny when I finally do though. I have… one unfinished one-shot. Okay, it's two chapters, and 1's all ready posted, so sue me. I've got two long stories in which I've only started the first few chapters of, and the other one I probably won't get around to posting. In between my other two stories, and Loss, and its future sequel, I'm kind of over my head. But if you can manage your time, I guess I've got nothing to complain about. 

I read 'Right-Hand Man' on your LJ actually. I have no idea. I just like the idea of a man with black hair and blue eyes. Don't ask me, I'm can't explain it. Interesting reaction. I was a bit alarmed when you said this chapter was 'funny', but I read down further, and I think your reaction was just about right. 

I know what you mean with 'drinking Sirius'. I mean, isn't that the best kind of hero? A tragic one? Hate those cocky kind. They just piss me off. You didn't know him? That really sucks. I mean, knowing my step father didn't really help the process, but having it just sprung on you… well, I guess that is sort of what I did to Harry, huh? I do that all the time. Jeez, kind of scared for myself, actually, sometimes. I get so wrapped up in the drama, but who cares if they're real or not. Dear GOD! Look at this response! I'm a bit scared, but oh well. Actually, we should start emailing each other. Or Instant messaging if you have AIM.

Hp-lover-1-lol-: Nah, not really. It seems like everyone – including me – is so excited when they hear a minor's getting hit that they automatically want to call it child abuse because of all the media. I really need to stop doing that. It's so addictive though, isn't it? No, my other story, The Price of Love… now that's child abuse.

Someone: Thank you. I'm glad it's realistic. And I've decided to go with Carmon. I can't see Harry ever calling her Carmon… I couldn't see Harry calling Malfoy Draco, but that just proves that anything can happen in fanfiction, huh? Oh, I know tons of people who get hit. Especially in my school. People's parents don't really have a lot of money, and poor and abusive usually go hand in hand, but most of the kids I know who get hit aren't really resentful. Thanks for your review.

StarlessNight18: Thanks. The end of the chapter was my favorite part. I liked your review. Thanks again. 

Kiki: Sorry I made you cry. I hope you didn't cry during this one, but I know I did while writing it. 

Savoy Truffle: Hey, thanks for taking the time to review. I've only printed out one fanfiction, and it was an accident. I was mortified because my teacher was standing _right there_. He was like, 'what are you printing, a book?', and I got really scared because I thought he had picked it up. Thank you. I'm really glad you liked it. Oh, and update The Perfect Family, please. I like that one. 

Alastormadeyemoody51: Thanks a lot. I will. 

Yellowpages: Thanks a lot. I'm glad you like it so much. You're one of the few that thinks that, so it's a relief. Oh well. Thanks for your review. 

ILOVETOWRITE456: Thanks for your review. Wow, the whole story? I'm glad you liked it, and I'm sorry it made you cry. 

Notes: So thanks to everyone who reviewed as always. Next chapter will explore how Sirius reacts to Harry's attempt to commit suicide, and we finally find out _why_ Sirius actually likes the bitch known as Murphy. Not many chapters left to go! 


	24. Talking

**Loss**

By BlackPotterGrl

Chapter XXIV- Talking 

He left his room for a few minutes to bandage his hand, and was ambushed by Sirius who asked him to go into the living room. He should have assumed this would happen. He _had_ tried to commit suicide.

In actuality, he wasn't sure what he had been trying to achieve. He probably wouldn't have actually killed himself, but he was sure he would have bled to the point where he would have to be hospitalized.

Now that it was all over and the feelings that had been overwhelming for him were far from his mind, he was a bit frightened at the prospect of what he could have done. What if Sirius had been just a minute too late? What if he hadn't shown up at all, just to find his cold body on the floor?

He felt bad thinking it but had he meant to be caught? Sirius would have seen how desperate he was about the whole thing, and decided to call the engagement off. He felt even worse that he was feeling a bit disappointed. He wasn't really that insane was he? That he would have killed himself because of some bitch Sirius was attracted to. He did feel a bit relieved that the thought of how guilty Sirius would feel wasn't crossing his mind. Well, it is, he thought.

He groaned audibly as he saw Remus staring at him from behind the couch. He should have guessed.

"Sit down." Sirius's voice was stern. Remus gave him a reprimanding look that Harry didn't even want to fathom. Was he going to be treated like some mentally unstable person?

He sat down in an armchair that was far away from the couch where Sirius joined his friend.

Remus drew breath through the corners of his mouth, and said "Where to begin."

Harry squeezed the bridge of his nose.

"Harry?" His godfather's voice was a lot softer then he had expected it to be. He was prepared for a big long lecture, and judging by the way Sirius took his revelation that he had cut himself before, he could expect him to blow his temper. Maybe it would be different this time. 

He looked up. He didn't know what he was going to say. He was all ready pissed off at him as it was.

"Do you remember back when… erm, you first told me you used to cut yourself?" He continued with a small nod. "And when you asked me what I was going to do about it, I said that I wanted you to talk to me when something was bothering you."

"Not like that would have helped." He said quietly.

"Harry, what Sirius is trying to say is that…" Harry cringed. Here is comes. I'm going to be sent to some sort of mental hospital. "We're worried about you. We're worried that you're going to do something like this again."

"No I'm not! I swear."

"Look, I know that you really don't want me to get married, but I think you're going way too far with this."

"That wasn't the only reason, Sirius. It was just… everything piling up at once, and…"

"I really hope you aren't about to blame me for taking you off the quidditch team." He said sounding reprimanding.

"NO!" He exclaimed. "I'm not that goddamn shallow. Jeez." He narrowed his eyes, looking disappointed. "I was just in a really bad place. I'm fine now." He was lying. But he wasn't going to try and kill himself again.

"Were you just doing this so that I don't marry Carmon?"

"I told you that I'm not that fucked up in the head, Sirius. I'm not going to kill myself just because you're marrying a bitch. You're the one that's going to commit suicide one day."

Remus interrupted them as they exchanged death glares. "Be that as it may, Harry, you still tried to kill yourself. Doesn't that mean anything to you?"

"I didn't try to commit suicide. I was just cutting. What do you know about suicide anyway?"

"An awful lot, to tell you the truth."

"Why, you read a book on it?" He was being an ass hole, and he knew it.

"No… I've done it."

Harry sighed. "Really?"

"Yes, he did. Damn near bled to death once."

"That is the point of suicide… to die." He exchanged narrowed eyes with Sirius.

"Thank you, Sirius. Actually, maybe Harry and I can talk alone for a bit?"

Sirius took the hint and left. "So, why did you do it?" Harry asked Remus.

"Well, it's a bit depressing knowing that you can never have any sort of relationship with a woman in fear that they might find out that you're a werewolf. And I could never have kids, or a job, or anything."

"When did you try to kill yourself?"

"About fourth year."

"What stopped you?" He was pretty sure he knew what though.

"Uh… Sirius." He gave Harry a knowing look.

"You too, huh?"

"And James, too." He said. "He pulled me out of the lake when I tried to drown myself."

"I thought Sirius said you almost bled to death." Remus winced, but it was almost invisible.

"No, I almost bled to death when I cut myself too deeply."

"You cut, too?"

"A lot. Over stupid stuff as it was. I mean, I'd miss a couple of quaffles in Quidditch, and our team would win, even, and still I'd cut. I've read a lot of stupid stuff about that, and being a werewolf and cutting pretty much go hand in hand."

"What happened though? I mean, how did you manage to stop?"

"My friends, mostly. Well, Sirius and sometimes James. Peter was pretty clueless to the whole thing. Hated the sight of blood, so he just avoided me when I 'got into one of my moods'. Annoying little git." He muttered the last part under his breath. 

"I'm almost fresh out of those. Hermione doesn't know about any of the things going on with me. We don't talk like that."

"That's all right. I'll lend you my best friend." He said smirking.

"He's part of the problem, how's he going help?" His voice was skeptical. He wasn't a big fan of this psychology stuff.

"When did I ever say Sirius was my best friend?"

"HEY!" He heard from the kitchen.

"You weren't supposed to be listening." Remus called back.

"Fine, I'm going, I'm going."

"Sirius loves you. You can't deny that."

"I know. And he 'loves Carmon in a different sort of way'." His voice was mocking.

"Forget Carmon, or Murphy, or who ever that bitch is." Remus's lips turned up at the sight of the broad smile that Harry wore.

"You've got two options here, Harry. You can ignore the fact that Sirius is marrying someone who you don't approve of and you can try to move past it and have a good relationship with your Godfather… or you can be spiteful for the rest of your life and become estranged. Because unless either one of them have a huge fight before this summer when the wedding is, you're kind of screwed.

"Are you actually giving me those options, or are you just trying to tell me what's going to happen if I don't make up with Sirius?"

"Nope, it's your life. I'm just trying to look at this logically."

"Thanks for the insight I guess, Remus."

"As I was saying, Sirius loves you, and he wants you to happy."

"Yes…" He replied, wondering where this was going.

"So, we talked a bit, and we both agreed that we would have to be complete and total idiots to let you go and live by yourself in some cheap apartment."

Harry let out a breath of air. "But, we don't think it's right to force you to live somewhere that you don't want to. It's not fair to you, and it's not fair to the people around you who'll have to deal with your sulky attitude." The last part was in jest.

"How do you plan on fixing that?" He didn't want to voice his opinion of how, because he didn't want to sound presumptuous.

"You've got a choice. You can either live with Sirius and his wife until you turn eighteen, or you can live with me over the summers."

He had to admit –at least to himself - to his own embarrassment, that he had actually been hoping that Sirius was going to force him to make him live with him… with or without Murphy. This was the sort of choice he had been dreading.

He couldn't admit that he wanted to stay with Sirius. He had too much pride. More, he didn't want Sirius to know that he would settle for Murphy. He was still childishly holding on to the hope that maybe Sirius would give in and dump her.

"Do I have to decide now?" He asked quietly.

"You've got all school year to decide. Get to know your new step-Godmother." He smirked.

"Is that an accurate title?"

"Probably not, but who cares? She's the person who you're going to have to live with until you turn eighteen unless you live with me."  

"Thanks for reminding me. And you… you would want me to live with you?"

"If I didn't, why would I be asking you?"

"Can I come back yet?" Sirius called from somewhere in the kitchen.

"It was nice talking to you Harry. I really hope you're going to stop cutting yourself, and that this makes you feel better. You know you can talk to me at any time, right? Just call me through Sirius's fireplace if you want to talk about anything that you don't think you can talk to Sirius about."

"Stop encouraging him, Moony."

"I'll see you later Padfoot. Tell me as soon as you get that reply in the mail." He winked at him, and Harry was, of course, suspicious .

He disappeared through the fireplace.

He turned slowly to look at Sirius, not looking forward to it. He sat down in the loveseat closest to his armchair

"Harry… sit down. I guess I owe you an explanation." He looked as thrilled about it as Harry was.

"Once again, I'm all ready sitting down."

Sirius grinned sheepishly a bit.

"Harry, I know you haven't had a real girlfriend yet, unless you're hiding something from me, and I don't think you are."

Harry shook his head sighing. He really wasn't liking the direction this was going.

"It's… not something that you can really say in words, Harry. The feeling you get when you're in love." Harry groaned loudly.

"Keep the sappiness down to a minimum please." He begged.

"Fine. I'll try. This is hard for me, okay?"

He nodded, looking harassed.

"I know you probably think this is just someone who I found in a pub, jumped in bed with, and proposed to, but that's not true at all." He shuddered at the word 'bed'.

"She was my fiancé before I went to Azkaban. I don't think Remus even met her, but we had been going together for almost six months before I proposed. It was only about a month later that I was sent to Azkaban."

"What I don't understand, and I don't think I will ever understand, is how you manage to like someone with the personality of a mountain troll."

Sirius looked as if he wanted to glare viciously, judging by the grimace on his face.

"She's not that bad, Harry. I know her personally, and she treats me really good."

"It doesn't bother you that she's mean to almost everybody besides you?"

"That's not true, Harry. She's not a very trusting person, I know, but you have to get to know her better.

"She went through a hard time… 14 years she thought I had actually committed those crimes, and it turned her… well, a bit bitter."

"A bit! Jeez, she makes Snape seem like he's just in a bad mood. Heck, she makes McGonagall seem like she's high on anti-depressants."

"Harry! That's quite enough!"

"I'm just trying to be truthful here."

"Look, I know it probably won't mean much to you, because you're pretty young. She reminds me of much happier times. You know? Back when your parents where still alive, back when Peter was my friend, back when Remus and I talked more then once every couple months."

"Sirius, why do you keep on dwelling on that? You need to move on. You've got a life now. Live in the present."

"It's hard to forget your best friend, Harry." He said loudly, and pointedly. To this, Harry gave him an equally pointed look. "And it's hard to just move past the girl who you planned on marrying. At least she accepts me. Who else is going to ignore the fact that I was a convicted murderer?"

"If you're settling for someone, then you're better off alone, Sirius. You need to find someone who isn't a total bitch."

"She isn't a bitch! How many times do I have to tell you that I love her?!" He was almost shouting.

"Fine. I don't care. I'm not marrying her!"

"I've got you and that's it. I need someone else."

"Then I don't see why you're so miserable about me not living with you. I hope you're very happy living with her."

"But I want you too!"

"Fine! So, I'll be miserable for the next few years so that you'll be happy, Sirius! And you better goddamn act like it too!" Later, he would realize that if he had just dropped the last line, he could have passed it off as sarcasm.

It took Sirius a few seconds to figure what his godson had just agreed to. It took Harry almost a minute. When he realized that he had resolved to stay, he found himself wrapped in a tight hug, while his Godfather thanked him profusely.

This wasn't the good kind of hug, that made him feel better, and was warm and happy… in fact, he was hating this hug; mainly, because it smelled like Murphy's perfume.

Being as he was suspended, he spent the next few days very bored, and very annoyed. He had given up the chance to live with Remus, all by accident. He didn't know how those words had come out of his mouth, but he had a feeling he was going to regret them for a long time. Sirius wore a perpetual smile on his face every time Harry came into the room, being that he was happy that Harry was going to stay.

Hermione was a bit peeved at him for a long while, if by peeved Harry meant in an explosive mood, but she couldn't stay mad at him for too long.

After dinner one night, the two went for a walk around the lake.

"I'm still unclear about why you decided to get drunk, and all that. Stealing Sirius's motorcycle and then wrecking it? Why would you do something like that!?"

"I knew Sirius was going to be fuming mad at me, because it was his motorcycle, and Dumbledore would be mad because I broke the rules and I got drunk… but I would have expected you to be a little more concerned about me… I mean, I did get into a car accident!"

"You where wearing a helmet! I'm not stupid, I know that you can't get hurt when you're wearing a helmet. The worst thing you had to suffer through was a hangover."

"That not true. I had to suffer through an unbearably longwinded speech from Remus, Dumbledore, you, and countless numbers of them from Sirius. That was torture, Hermione!"

In reply, he got a slap on the shoulder. "You still didn't answer my question… why did you do it?"

"I was pissed off! How would you feel if you heard… well, that's a bad example. Anyway, Sirius is getting married, and I didn't even know he was datin-"

"HE'S WHAT???!!!"

Hermione looked absolutely devastated. "I know! This really sucks. And you know who it is?"

Like always, Harry completely missed the point of Hermione's displeasure. "He's getting married?" She groaned.

"Murphy!" This was immediately followed by his regular long string of insults.

"Sirius is getting married?" She cried again.

"And now I have to live with them this summer!"

"Married?"

"This is going to be horrible! She hates my guts! You've seen how she acts towards me… to everyone…"

"I can't believe he would do this!"

"I know!"

"Remus offered to let me live with him for the summers, but Sirius got me so flustered I accidentally agreed to keep living with Sirius!"

"Well I guess if he's happy, then you should be happy for him."

"God, Hermione, can't you see I'm trying to rant?"

"Well it's true, Harry! What if you wanted to marry some random girl, and Sirius didn't like her? Would you call off the wedding?"

"He wouldn't have to live with her."

Hermione sighed, knowing he was going to have an answer to everything she threw at him. "Don't you think Sirius should be happy though?"

"I am in no mood for your sense-making logic."

"Because you know it's true."

"Maybe. Still doesn't mean I want to hear about it. And why are you on his side now? A few seconds ago you didn't like it either."

"It's none of either of our business, that's why."

"Why is everyone saying that? Of course it's my business. How could it not be? She's living in my house!"

"No, she's living in Sirius's house, and so are you."

"Yeah! Maybe she's just marrying him for his money!"

Hermione lapsed into silence, letting him rant, knowing she, like so many others, would fail to convince him.

He talked for almost five minutes straight. Finally, with exhaustion, Hermione stopped him. "Harry. Will you please shut up?" Her voice was actually pleading.

"NO! This is important. How am I supposed to stand there while Sirius ruins his li-." This statement ended with a hardy splash.

Looking up with shook as he waded in the water, he pushed hair out of his face and glared at Hermione. Through chattering teeth, he managed to say, "Well s-s-someone's PMSing."

Harry climbed to the side of the lake and pulled himself out, squirting water to the ground.

"You ready to be quiet yet?"

"How are you going to ask me a question like that after you've just pushed me in a lake? Of course I'm not going to be quiet!"

"Fine, but you're going to have to walk back to the castle wet, because I'm not using a drying spell." She then dodged his arms as he tried to throw her in the lake as well.

Being as it was December, he ran quite fast up to the castle, chasing Hermione the whole way back before his clothes froze to his skin.

He still shivered as he chased her, but she managed to disappear into the common room, where he wasn't allowed to go.

He retreated to Sirius's room, his shoes squishing, as he dripped. Filch was going to have a heart attack.

Sirius looked up from a book he was reading, and smiled as he walked through the door. It slowly melted into bewilderment.

"Wha-" Harry shook his head.

"You don't want to know."

"Probably don't." He looked back down at his book, but with a flick of his wand, Harry was instantly dry.

"Hogsmead weekend, you know?"

"Yeah, I know. Am I allowed to go?"

"Your suspension ends Friday, so you can go wherever you want. You can move back into your dormitory Friday night if you want to."

"Yeah, okay."

"Actually… well, Saturday, Carmon and I had planned on making it a sort of… well, date."

"None of my business." His jaw was clenched.

"I just don't want you to get upset if you see us together. I'm planning on announcing my engagement to all of my classes next week."

"Still, none of my business."

"Don't hold that sort of attitude towards the whole thing, Harry. I'm not asking you to pretend that you're happy about this, but maybe you could try not to sound so resentful?"

"Who's resentful? Can't you see by my face? I'm ecstatic about the whole thing!" His face stayed blank.

"I just want you to know that I appreciate you doing this for me. It really shows me that you care about me a lot that you're not acting like a brat about all of this.

"You told me twenty times already, Sirius."

"Well it's true."

 "Harry, will you just quit it all ready?"

He had been bugging Hermione for the past five minutes about reasons Sirius shouldn't get married.

"And another thing; she looks like a total slut. She's probably going to give him all sorts of STDs or something."

"I have an idea, how about you fill up a book, and I'll just read that."

"That's not a bad idea. What should I call it?"

"How about, 'The Diary of a Teenage Psychopath?'" she said as he got up to order them two more butterbeers.

Hermione was very close to socking him in the face, he was driving her so crazy. He hadn't taken the hint when she threw him in the lake, and he was still rambling on about why Murphy was a bitch, like she didn't already know.

"Did I tell you about the time when she gave me detention for asking Seamus for a quill?

"Five times today, Harry. I'm about ready to leave you sitting here alone and go hang out with Mal-" She stopped when she noticed that Harry wasn't paying attention. She looked behind her towards the general direction of where Harry had his eyes fixed unblinkingly.

"What?" She asked, not noticing anything. Harry just looked straight ahead at the sight before him.

"It's them." He said stoically.

She looked back and noticed them as well. "Yeah, it is."

Not only where Sirius and Murphy sitting next to each other on a couch by the side of the shop where a Christmas tree was being set up, they were making out.

"This is disgusting." He exclaimed, not in a loud enough voice for anyone to notice however. "Let's go." He said getting to his feet.

Hermione pulled him back into his chair. "Harry, you're going to be living with them both, you might as well get used to it."

Harry gave Hermione an incredulous look. "Whose side are you on? Honestly! I don't understand how it is you're sticking up for him. Didn't you have a crush on him anyway?"

Hermione's eyes widened, and he noticed her go a bit pink. "I- I don't know what you're talking about, Harry. I happen to have a boyfriend, if you didn't already know. I think we should both go. I promised I'd meet Ginny, and we'd look for new clothes. Do you want to come?"

"Are you kidding me?" He cried. He muttered. "This just isn't the same without Ron around." He turned his eyes from Hermione as she looked at him with sad eyes, but his eyes met his Godfather making out, and he had to look back down.

"I don't like having to divide my time between the two of you, Harry, but Ginny lost her brother, and she needs a good friend right now."

"Fine, go ahead. I don't care.

"How about we go get some candy first? Come on."

"Yeah, fine." He began walking toward the door, when a brilliant idea struck him from above, and he froze. Hermione looked back and looked fearful as a devious smile slowly spread across his face.

"Harry? Harry, I don't like that look on your face. What are you about to- Harry!"

He walked with the air of a person about to claim their paycheck.

He sat on the arm of the couch with his smile as wide as physically possible and smoothly said in a low, but audible voice in Murphy's general direction, "You know, Sirius ate rats almost all of last year."

The response almost instantaneous. With a shriek, she jumped from her place next to Sirius, and with wide eyes, stared at him in horror.

"What the hell?" Sirius said in confusion having not heard Harry's comment.

She flew from The Three Broomsticks with an amazing speed.

Harry stared at Hermione with a cocky smile, but she didn't see it, her head being in her hands.

He ignored Sirius's look of bewilderment, and then anger, and then furiousness, as he took Hermione by the arm and led her out the door.

He couldn't keep the smile off of his face for the rest of that day, even whilst noticing death glares in his direction from Sirius on the brief occasion that they met while on the street. He followed Hermione around, not caring that she was dragging him through some of the most disgusting and feminine stores of all of Hogsmead. Well, only for about twenty minutes, and then he met up with some of the guys in his dorm.

End Chapter XXIV- Talking 

Notes: yeah, It wasn't much of a chapter. A lot of filling, I know. But I hope you savored it, because it's the third to last chapter, I'm almost positive. I hope everyone has enjoyed Loss, because it's coming to an end. The last for a very long time. I'm probably going to fix up a lot of Loss and finish my two other stories, and maybe start a third one before I begin the sequel.

The next chapter is in its early stages of being written, but a lot happens in it. We will get a taste of what neglect awaits Harry when Sirius and Murphy get married. IF – and it's a big if – they actually do get married.

Reviews:

Aalikane: I suppose that could have happened… if it didn't. I'm not trying to make fun or anything. You cried? I'm sorry. I wasn't trying to make people cry, I guess. That happened to my glasses too.

Kiki: Thanks for liking my fic at least, despite my character. I hate her too.

Moony Marauder: Thanks a lot. So true about there not being enough angst anymore. It's just so sad! I can't promise you anything so sorry. Thanks for your review.

ImaginaryFriendless: I can't promise you anything about Ron. Yes, it did take Harry a while to crack. I'm glad you can sympathize with Sirius, because most people really can't.

Eruve tinwen: I'm sorry if I made you cry. That happened to me, actually, when I was watching the commercial for the last episode of Friends, and they were playing that song by Evanescence. I wanted to cry.

FroBoy: Thanks a lot.

Star-prancer: Thanks a lot. I'm really glad you liked my interpretation of how Harry would be feeling. I wasn't sure if I was going over-board or not. I liked my analogy with the Dursleys as well. I know what you mean by knowing that it's wrong, but knowing how he could think it was right. And I'm glad that my compassioned helped everyone to realize that Sirius was really upset that he did something like that. Like he was scared that he was going to become like his parents. Thanks for your review.

Buffy Summers1: Thanks. This is probably one of my favorite chapters as well. Thanks for your review.

Shawn Pickett: Yeah, Sirius's punishment was really extreme, but it really is pretty much the least of Harry's problems. He will have to come up with another hobby, or Sirius will have to give it back to him. One of those things is going to happen in the near future. Thanks for your review.

Didge: Yeah, I feel really bad for Harry and Sirius. Don't worry, everyone hates Murphy. Thanks.

Solaris Day: It really hurts me too, that I have to do this to Harry. Yeah, it really sucks for Harry that no one really gets it at all. I'm really glad that you get how Harry's feeling, and his emotions and the confusion he feels. Not everyone gets that. Can I just say that your review was very well written, and that I enjoyed it very much. I think everyone wants to hug Harry at this point. I know I do.

Sailoranime: So who's going to send the first email? Do you want to? If you do, I will, but I can't think of anything to say for right now. I really want you to see my fan art, even though it isn't that good. I guess you could consider it fan fan art, since it fan art of a fanfiction, right? I'm getting a new Internet provider soon I think. It's broadband or something. I'm not sure. Jeez, it only took us about 4 chapters to figure out what you said. Now I don't even know what we where talking about. Yes, I'm sure you'll be interested in it.

Yeah, I think you hit the nail on the head, there. I wanted to get it written. Part of last chapter could have been written better, I know. I can't believe Dwelling made you cry though! I guess it's different for authors then for readers. Though a bunch of people said they cried for this chapter. I liked that a lot. One's being an idiot, and the other's being a melodramatic teenager. I'm not exactly sure which one's which, sorry.  

I don't think there is going to be a big huge confrontation between them. He's all ready on probation for the whole 'getting drunk' thing. He doesn't need to be expelled for calling her a 'scanky bitch'. I have written out that conversation in my head though, I must admit. I hope this met your approval.

Hp-lover-1-lol-: That's all right. I forgot what I said to you in my response. Well, you see what happened.

ILOVETOWRITE456: I love angsty stories as well. They just really appeal to me for some reason. Go figure.

Einna Aurora Du'an: Thanks a lot. Well, I'm glad you read most of this story at least.

Oceanjewel: Yeah, I guess I am doing a lot to Harry. I liked the change in this chapter. A lot more angst. A lot of crap has come between Harry and Sirius. It's going to take a lot to get them back to the way they used to be. A possibility, albeit a small one. Thanks for your review.

Jellybaybee: actually, it's the question on everyone's lips. I'm not saying what happened to Ron, obviously, but there is a fifty/fifty chance he is. Hold on just a second. You read 23 chapters in an hour? staggers in shock Wow!

Someone: Thanks a lot. You saw that I've just updated both of my stories. Yes, they were really slow. I'm sorry. Thanks, though.

Saf saf: Thanks. Yeah, I get that problem as well. When ever I leave a cliffhanger off, I always run into about five of them. It really wasn't that big a cliffhanger though. I wouldn't surprise me if Sirius didn't realize what was right in front of his face. Thanks for putting me on your stories list.

XoXMelJayXoX: Yeah, a lot of other people told me they cried, or where close to tears, so it couldn't have just been me. Thanks.

Ana: Thanks. I was trying to avoid the stereotypical fic when I wrote this. I guess you'll just have to see what happens to Murphy, but I'm not guaranteeing anything. I know she sucks, but I would be a really boring story if it was just a big long fic on Sirius and Harry's relationship without it hitting any snags.

Savoy Truffle: I'm not guaranteeing anything, but I must say that you are possibly the only person who wants Sirius and Murphy to get married. But I guess different strokes, huh? No, I'm sorry, I didn't review 'The Perfect Family', so I'm sorry. Yes, I saw those two other stories. Sorry, I haven't gotten around to reading them. I could never master a language I really suck at that. I'm always failing Spanish. Don't worry. I don't plan on abandoning this fic.

Calen: Harry was abused before. And Sirius didn't really beat him up. He just slapped him around a bit. Don't worry. Sirius isn't going to hit him again. He feels like he's going to become too much like his parents if he hits Harry, and he feels really guilty for it.

Angel74: Thank you. I'm glad that you found this fic again.

Vanilja: Thanks. I'm surprised you don't read many fifth-year fics. I thrive on them. I'm glad that I make it realistic. I don't like excessive crying much. I don't think Sirius would abandon Harry. This chapter you can see that Harry was close to abandoning him though. Thanks for your review. I hope you liked my other stories.

Gaby11: I'm glad you liked it so much. As you can see, I incorporated the theory that Murphy may be after Sirius's money into this chapter. That isn't to say that she is though. I thought about writing a chapter about their prenuptial agreement, but I decided not to. No, I can tell you that neither of those are the case. But it's interesting you would bring up James… I won't say anymore though. I do that sometimes. In times of lots of stress, I twitch a lot, but I don't think Harry should develop a twitch. There isn't enough space in this next chapter, and the next one is all ready written. It's a good idea though.

I know that, and you know that, but neither of us have experienced a situation, and they are supposed to really make you alter your feelings of what is important to you, and what isn't. Yeah, I'm hoping Lupin is going to become important as well.

Notes: So, thanks to everyone who have reviewed, and sticked with me this long. I really appreciate it. I mentioned above what's going to happen in the next chapter. I hope you've enjoyed this one, however.


	25. Dumped

**Chapter XXV- dumped (don't get too excited)**

Walking into the classroom, Sirius looked a bit unsure of himself. Harry could only assume he hadn't gotten a very good reaction to his engagement, but he didn't want to get his hopes up.

"Hello class."

"Hello Sirius." It had taken them almost two months to finally start calling him that. Sirius was still working on weaning them off replying as a group.

"Today is the start of our section in the physical repercussions of hexes that have gone wrong. Make sure you take notes. Especially those you who have a problem casting hexes."

 "You can use my name." Called Neville. The class laughed a bit.

It seemed like it would never end. The class period went on and on, and it felt to Harry, like Sirius was staring at him the entire time. He was still mad about the joke he had played on him, and he made sure that Harry knew it. He really couldn't blame him. Murphy probably would never kiss him again. The satisfaction he felt outweighed the discomfort he got from the glares he received. He was going to be asked to stay after class again, he was almost sure.

It wouldn't have been enough to break their engagement, he was sure. A gold digger like Murphy would hardly give up in finding out that her rich fiancé had eaten a few rats.

"Class, as you may have heard around the school… Professor Murphy and I are engaged."

There was a collective gasp from all of the girls (bar Hermione). Moaning deeply, they trudged out of the classroom, Harry in the lead.

"Where do you think you're going?" He felt an arm on his shoulder tug him away from the group.

"My next class?" He asked.

 "You know, Carmon still won't kiss me thanks to you." Sirius scowled.

"Well, let's look on the bright side. At least nothing of importance was lost through all of this."

"I must admit, I am a bit proud. That was a stroke of genius."

Harry looked up with surprise. "Wow, and here's me thinking I'm going to be yelled at."

"What makes you think you aren't going to be?"

"Crap. I knew! As soon as I said it, it was going to come back."

"I'm not going to yell. I'm going to punish you." Harry groaned.

"Judging from experience, any punishment you dish out is going to suck!"

"Yes. Well, I've decided that you aren't allowed to fly your broom for as long as Murphy won't kiss me."

Harry looked confused for a moment. "But you all ready… does this mean that you're extending my-" He broke into a tentative smile. "Does this mean…"

"Yes, Harry. It does."

"Wait… which one. The good one, or the bad one?"

"Depends on which way you look at it. It's good for you, but it just plain sucks for Slytherin."

His mouth hurt from the smile on his face being as big as physically possible.

"Thanks to you, that may take a while, though."

"Thank you!" He said, ignoring his comment.

"All right. Go tell your teammates and have them stop tormenting me."

"Thanks again." He called running out of the classroom.

December moved very fast. Most professors gave up trying to shove as much knowledge into their students heads, in light of attempting to keep their students from blowing up the school. Sirius gave up trying to give them lectures, and had partnered everyone up for elimination OWL review games.

The most stressing thing about the entire lesson was him praying that he got Hermione as a partner. Of course, when Sirius did assign them to be partners, there was an outbreak of booing and cries of "Nepotism!" from those of which knew what the word meant.

"Would you prefer a pop quiz?" Sirius replied.

Needless to say, the booing stopped. Harry did, however, turn his head in utter shock upon hearing, "Damn! I wanted Potter!" Apparently Hermione, who had been smiling with satisfaction, had heard it as well, and pouted.

The way Murphy went on, he wondered if she celebrated a holiday at all. The festive cheer outside of the History of Magic classroom came to a close where-upon entering the classroom, though it was barely a change from the potions room.

To the shock, and utter joy of everyone in the school, a Santa hat had attached itself to the head of one greasy haired professor. Students commented that he had no way to wash his hair, to which Harry would reply, "He must have had an invisible hat on all these years then, huh?"

Dumbledore, seeing the smiles taking place whenever their potions teacher entered the room decided this would be standard wear for all of the teachers. Dumbledore, himself, looked like he was jolly old Saint Nick himself.

A hat adorned Sirius's head, which he wore with pleasure, though he might have heard the whispers he got from the female population that he looked adorable in it.

One would have to be blind not to notice the spiteful looks that almost every girl in Hogwarts threw at Murphy. He himself thought it probably would have been best if they had kept it a secret.

His Quidditch team – after giving him the cold shoulder for almost a week – finally came around, and he worked with vigor to get himself back up to the standard he had been at before all of the commotion had broken out. They were still in first place, and their approaching game after the holiday was supposed to be a way to redeem himself to the team for giving them that horrible scare.

Fred and George had a hard time staying mad at a Marauder, and the rest of the team consisted of girls. Enough said there. The new Keeper didn't know him good enough to be mad at him.

He didn't get a chance to talk with Sirius alone until holiday break was only a week away, and even then he was anxious about talking about what they would be doing over the holiday. Now that Murphy was in the picture, he wasn't sure if he wanted to go home if she was coming with them.

Finally, when it became undeniable that they would need to talk, Sirius told him to visit him in his room in the teacher's wing. He hadn't visited since his suspension, and noted with disgust that her perfume had completely infiltrated his room, but that wasn't what he noticed first.

Both Sirius and Murphy where sitting on the loveseat. He also noted Remus was sitting on the couch farthest from them looking somewhere between ticked off, and disappointed.

"Hey." He said tonelessly. He sat next to Remus as far away from the 'happy couple' as he could.

"Hey, Harry." Sirius smiled, though Harry sensed a bit of unease in it.

Murphy made no noise, but she glared at him as she always did. Both arms wrapped around Sirius's own; her long, fake nails cutting into him.

"Sirius." He said, blowing a strand of hair out of his eyes.

"So the holiday is coming quick, huh?"

He exchanged a look with Remus, as if he could tell him with his eyes what Sirius was getting too, but Remus's glance at him was sad, and he turned back towards Sirius with a glare.

"Yes." He remained nonchalant.

"Erm, yes. Harry." He said, as if trying to get his attention, pretending he didn't notice that Harry's full attention was on him.

"mmhm?"

"I thought it might be a good idea if we went on vacation." He turned his eyes towards his fiancé.

"Really?" His blank face morphed into a huge grin. "I've never been on vacation before! Every time the Dursleys went away, they always left me behind. I've never been outside of Britain. Are we going abroad? Where are we going, anyway?" He could almost ignore the fact that Murphy was still in the room. He wasn't sure who 'we' referred to, but even if he were to go with Murphy, he was still excited at the prospect of going somewhere.

In the corner of his mind, he wondered why Remus looked unhappy. A thought occurred that maybe he would go with him.

He continued talking, not paying much attention to his surroundings.

"Ron once went to Egypt, but you know that, right? He said it was cool going in all of the pyramids. And Hermione went to France with her parents once. I was a bit worried, because she mentioned that she was going on holiday with her parents for Christmas, and that I would be stuck here all alone."

He noticed Sirius flinched when he said that, and stopped speaking, in confusion.

"Harry." His voice was cheerful, but it sounded fake. "Um, well, see, I'm really sorry, but…"

He didn't let himself look disappointed. Denial was always good. He heard about people doing that before. People who knew that bad news was coming but wouldn't let themselves feel disappointment or sadness until they actually heard it.

"Potter, you're not coming with us." Her voice was cold, as if she were mocking him.

He immediately turned to Sirius, hoping she might be lying. He just turned and looked at her with a glare on his face.

"Don't talk to him like that." He scolded.

"I thought we agreed on this, baby." Harry almost gagged.

"I know we did, but you don't need to be so rude about it."

He wiggled his fingers to make sure he still could; the numbness that spread over his body was so intense.

Sirius turned back towards him to examine his reaction. When he didn't say anything, he kept talking to bridge the silence.

"Uh, I asked Remus if he would take you in for the holiday, and he said he would."

He suddenly became aware that Remus had a hand on his shoulder. Then he became aware that his shoulder was shaking.

"So." Sirius clapped his hands together.

Harry ignored the fact that everyone was waiting for him to speak. He knew if he did, his voice was going to break. He spoke to himself to soften the blow. "You shouldn't have expected to go. The Dursley's never let you go with them, why is this any different? It wouldn't be much fun anyway with Murphy around. You'll probably get sunburnt if you go to the beach."

When he thought he could probably speak, he said "I heard it's overrated anyway." Kind of stupid, seeing as he had just been raving about what a good time they would be having.

"The Dursley's never took you anywhere?"

"Don't tell him the truth." He told himself. He didn't know why he was trying to make Sirius feel better about this, but it could have been that he was trying to save face in front of Murphy.

"Once in a blue moon…" He noticed Remus shudder besides him. "Sorry, Remus."

"Where are you going?"

He replied with the name of some foreign island, where, as he mentioned, it was very sunny and beautiful.

He thought it odd that someone who was trying not to make him feel bad was talking about his vacation with such excitement.

"I heard it rains a lot over there around this time of year." He said, having absolutely no idea where this place was.

Sirius rose his eyebrows, realizing exactly what Harry was trying to do.

"Seriously, though. Hermione offered to let me go with her on vacation with her family but I said I had to wait to see what you were doing. I guess this works out okay, then huh?" He lied through his teeth. At some point, he was going to have to confront this lie, but not now. Now, all that mattered was that Sirius thought that he felt okay about all of this.

"I'm not sure I would feel too good about you going on vacation without a wizard with you, Harry. We'll have to talk with her parents."

"That's all right Sirius. I really don't care. I'll just stay here, it doesn't matter to me." His throat was getting tight again with depression. Feeling the urge to blow off some steam, he said, "Hell, with all the homework your fiancé is packing down on us, I'll be lucky to be able to acknowledge Christmas."

"Please, Harry, don't act like that. You'll have a good time with Remus." He said, smiling sadly.

He turned with sudden guilt. "Oh, I'm sorry Remus…"

"Don't even worry about it Harry. He's acting like an asshole." He said looking towards Sirius. "Maybe we could, I don't know, do something fun for Christmas. Have you ever seen 'The Nutcracker'? Would you like that?"

"That sounds like fun." He said, giving a smile, though it didn't reach his eyes.

"It's only for one holiday. How about we exchange gifts when I get back? I think you're going to like my present, Harry."

"I'll talk with Hermione. It really isn't that big a deal. There will be another Christmas next year. With my OWLs, I should be studying anyway."

Sirius looked at him sadly.

"I have to go, I'm late for Quidditch practice."  He headed back towards his dorms feeling utterly empty. The more he walked, though, the angrier he got. At Murphy for brainwashing Sirius into not including him in the trip. At Sirius, for going on vacation without him, and ruining their first Christmas as – well, sort of a family. At Hermione, for leaving him on Christmas as well when she was the only one left. And at Ron, for not being there to help him hate Murphy.

He stormed through the common room, feeling extreme anger.

He found it sort of ironic that Sirius was so contrary to him cutting himself when he was the one that was crushing his spirit. He might as well have handed him the knife.

He knocked over a table full of books that a second year was studying. "HEY!"

He suddenly wished he could just run into Malfoy and beat the shit out of him, but then he remembered that if he were to get suspended again, he would be expelled, and he couldn't risk that.

He settled on trashing his dorm room. He tore down the curtains around his bed, and ripped them to pieces.

"You can destroy my old books if you want. I don't have any use for them." Said Neville, rummaging through his trunk.

"Thanks." He said, tearing the front cover off of one.

"What happened to you?"

"Sirius ditched me for the bitch."

"What?"

"He's going on vacation for the entire holiday with Murphy and didn't even invite me."

"That sucks." He said. "But how much fun would you have anyway? I mean, they'll probably be making out the entire time."

"I've never even been on vacation before, and Sirius knows that, and still, he'd rather spend Christmas with that whore then with me."

"I've never been on vacation either."

He stared at Neville, feeling a bit sorry for him. "It must suck living with your Grandmother."

"It's okay, I guess. I'd rather live with her than those relatives you used to have."

He winced at 'used to have'. "Yeah."

"It must be a relief to be living with Sirius, huh?"

He paused, the book in his hands – Magical Me – stopped mouthing screams. It finally collapsed and spilled from his hands. He lowered his eyes. What was he complaining about, anyway? At least he _had_ Sirius. Christmas vacation was the only time Neville could even visit his parents, and then, still, it would probably make everything hurt more, visiting with them.

He sighed. "Thanks Neville."

"For what?"

"Ruining my rant."

"You're welcome."

"I'm sorry, Harry, but my parents are pretty upset with me right now, having only having spent one week with them this summer. They want some time to talk with me."

"What if I were to beg?" he said, in a whisper, as not to attract anyone's attention during class.

"I don't see why you don't just stay with Professor Lupin."

"It's not that I don't want to stay with him, Hermione. It's just…"

"Well, he's got no one to spend Christmas with either."

"That's Sirius's fault as well." Sirius glared at him from the head of the classroom, probably because he was being loud, but he still found it coincidental.

"You're being obnoxious. I can't believe you would be such a bastard. He's spent Christmas alone since your parents-"

"What is the incantation for the spell that makes teeth grow?"

"Densaugeo." Harry replied, winking at Hermione as she flinched.

"UHH!" The class moaned as the chalk added another point to the board under their names.

"…Died. I can't believe you would do that."

"If I offered to pay for my own plane ticket, do you think your parents would let me come along?"

"I'm not sure _I_ want you to come along."

"Oh, don't act like that, Hermione."

"I'll write a letter, but I don't know if my parents are going to go along with this. They don't really know you all that well."

They grabbed their book bags, and took the candy canes that Sirius handed to them, with a "congratulations".

Time was running out fast, and Hermione still hadn't gotten a reply from her parents.

About three days before the holiday, Sirius came and sat down at the Gryffindor table, next to Harry, ignore the stares of his classmates, and a girl who looked like she was going to pass out two seats down from him.

"So, any idea what's going on with you?"

"Do you care?"

"No, I don't Harry. In fact, you could spend Christmas in box for all I care."

"That's looking like an option…"

"Well, fear not… I have good-"

Owls soared through the window, and the school owl that Hermione had borrowed to send the letter to her parents arrived back.

Hedwig stopped in front of him with another pink letter. "This is obviously for you…" he said handing the letter to Sirius.

"My dearest Harry, last night was great. Cho." Sirius pretended to read. A burst of orange juice gushed out of Hermione's nose. Harry coughed for a good minute, amidst choked laughter.

"Mum wrote back."

"Can you read past the orange juice stains?" He teased, wiping his face with a napkin. 

_Dear Hermione,_

_     I think it's a great idea if you bring your friend along with you. It would give us an opportunity to get to know him. Is this the one with the black hair, or is that the one that…_

Hermione cut herself off.

     _Tell him that he doesn't have to worry about paying for anything. I want you to make sure that his guardian is okay with it though. This is the one that lives with his godfather, or was it his Aunt and Uncle? In any case, I think it was utterly irresponsible for this person, or people to just desert him, though I think you mentioned once that he wasn't very happy with them, but I could be mistaken. You can tell him that he's welcome at our house anytime he wants during the summer, since he doesn't seem like he's being treated right where he's living now._

_     Write back and tell us what his response was. Don't pressure him into going if he doesn't want to. We can always take your cousin Gertrude if he can't make it._

_Love, Mum_

"I'm really sorry about that, Sirius. Mum is a bit… sensitive. You know, donates to all of those 'feed the children' causes. She wants to be a foster mother now that I'm not around half the time, but thank God for Dad, he keeps her from adopting an orphan in Africa twice a year. I figure she going to want to adopt you if she think that you're being mistreated, Harry."

Sirius had a ticked expression on his face.

"Well that's it. He's definitely not going with you, Hermione."

"Oh, please, Sirius!" She begged. "She's not that bad. She just misunderstood what I said in my letter."

"No, the point is that she's right."

Both Harry and Hermione turned to face him.

"Carmon be damned, you're coming with us."

"Really?" Harry and Hermione said simultaneously. Harry with excitement, and Hermione with dread.

"Uh… I hate Gertie."

Over the next two days, Sirius's attitude went from sulky, to ticked off, to nonchalant, and then finally back to his normal happy self.

The second day, passing him in the hallway, Harry asked, "What are you so happy about? Isn't Murphy still giving you the cold shoulder for inviting me along on your romantic getaway?"

Hermione, who stood next to him, was still yet to forgive him for forcing her to spend her holiday with her cousin. She smirked.

"Nope. We made up." He said his smirk widening.

"Oh! Well then that explains your mood. Everyone knows the best part of fighting is the make-up sex."

Poor Hermione looked like she was going to have a heart attack hearing this.

The hallways seemed to freeze. Harry realized that he seemed to be having this effect a lot lately.

Sirius gaped a bit, mouthing words Harry was pretty sure he shouldn't be saying. After finding his voice, he looked like he was about to yell at him.

"Truce." Harry stuck out his hand.

He must have remembered the joke he had played at breakfast, because he sullenly took his hand, practically yanking it out of the socket.

Finally, the day arrived when they were to go back home. Murphy would be staying in Sirius's and his house with them, and Harry, as much as it pained him to admit it, realized that this was going to be a permanent arrangement.

Sirius and Murphy had a compartment all to themselves in the Hogwarts express the next day, and Harry was at the far end away from them.

Not having Hermione, Harry sat next to Neville who kept trying to talk to him about Herbology stuff, and how the Venus flytrap had come upon the muggle world.

Harry started wondering if going on this trip was worth all the effort he made in getting to go. Murphy and Sirius making out all the time, and no kids in sight that he knew. This summer hadn't been that bad, just having Sirius around most of the time, but he refused to be in the same room with the two of them.

He got off the train, bidding farewell to Neville, who met his grandmother at the station and gave him a distressed look.

Walking along behind the two, who had their arms wrapped around each others waists, he called, "How are we getting back to the house anyway?"

"We'll call a cab." He said, not even turning around.

Harry loaded his trunk into the back seat of the cab. He hadn't taken Hedwig with him, hoping to avoid strange looks.

Wedged in the backseat, were he and Sirius, and Murphy, by the grace of God, got stuck next to the driver who spoke such strong cockney they had no idea what he was talking about.

Sirius cleaned up the mess that was the refrigerator as he had forgotten to throw out all of the food before they left for Hogwarts, and got rid of the smell that filled the house. Before he could escape to the haven that was his room, he was corned by the bitch.

"Listen, you little bastard. If you screw up my vacation, I swear to God, not only will you fail my class worse then you already are, but I'll have your Godfather dump you on the street like the trash you are. Don't pretend I can't do it either."

Harry gaped openly. He knew Murphy hated him in school, but she was actually threatening him.

He was so shocked, he couldn't think of anything to reply with, when Sirius called them both for dinner… pizza.

He stared at Murphy with shock… and eventual fury through all of dinner. She didn't even stare back; her hand intertwined with Sirius's.

End Chapter XXV- dumped

Notes: So, Loss has been completed. Not on ff.net, but I've finished writing it, unless my last chapter totally sucks, in which case, I'll be writing it over again…

I did cry when I finished it… more like a delayed reaction though, because it was three in the morning, and I was practically falling asleep, but yesterday in Health class, it caught up to me. Of course, it also could have been because I'm failing Algebra, but I'll leave that one alone.

Thank you all, for being so awesome through this story. (God, this isn't the last chapter! I have to quit being so melodramatic)

Lory In Love: This about the third consecutive chapter I've had someone tell me they either cried, or where close to crying. This chapter I know my beta was close to tears as well. I'm glad you saw the humor in it. I've never been very good with humor, but I try. Yeah, I actually had the idea in class, and when I started thinking about it, I couldn't conceal my laughter, and everyone was sort of looking at me. Jokes are funnier in your head anyway, though.

Eruve tinwen: Thanks. Yes, I know, I'm sort of proud when someone says they cried, but I always feel bad about that. Yes, we did find out what kind of a person she was, but the end of this chapter… I didn't even plan it, I think it wrote itself.

Savoy Truffle: Next chapter will tell, and I was thinking about doing an alternate reality fic, where what would have happened in the end will happen, and see how Harry's life would have been different, though I'm not really sure if I have the time to do it. Did this chapter satisfy that? No, I made Remus a keeper, and Sirius wasn't on the team… Peter was a beater. And in an interview with J.K. Rowling, James was a chaser. A keeper catches the balls, and the chaser throws them. Ron was a keeper in the fifth book.

Katani Petitedra: I'm not sure if you reviewed or not. It's all right if you didn't though. We all need to take a break sometimes. Thanks a lot. I'm really glad you liked that so much.

Gaby11: Please don't hate Sirius too bad. I know that this chapter doesn't really fuel many pro Sirius sentiments, but maybe the next chapter will. I'm not really sure. I know what you mean. When my Mom was getting remarried, my family members would always be like "Katie, don't you want what's best for your Mom?" I'm like, not really. I want to bitch and moan right now, and you're ruining that.

My best friend hates Ron with vengeance. I was planning in the very early stages of Loss to have Ron and Hermione go out amidst Sirius going out with his namely fiancé, and Harry having no idea what to do, because everyone is having a great time and he's left all alone. And me being the sadistic person I am, would absolutely not give him a girlfriend, because I hate the idea of him dating. My biggest problem with Ron right now is his hat in the movie. It looks like he has pigtails, and it's creeping me out.

Yes. I must say that, although SarahPeach is my beta, I had the idea to have a suicidal Remus before she came out with her story, so I wasn't copying. Not that anyone has accused me of it. Sometimes I think we share one brain, the two of us. Maybe I'll check out your story sometime when you put it up.

Shawn Pickett: Thanks a lot. Yes, Harry's calming down and accepting this a bit better then before, but who knows how long that will last? I was referring to Krum, actually. I haven't mentioned him much, but I did in the beginning of the story…

FroBoy: Thanks a lot.

Sailoranime: hmm, interesting. Yes, I just realized how dated this review is. fake gasp Sirius's eye's are gray!?

I was going on a limb with the 'married' thing, because I was probably a bit too subtle with the 'Hermione has a small crush on Sirius' thing. It doesn't seem that realistic, but not much fanfiction is anyway.

What was the plot bunny? I NEED to know now. Yeah, I think I forgot that too, but I'm too lazy to go look. A lot of people miss Ron, actually. Or maybe they don't, and they just like bugging me to see what happens.

You really liked that? Looking back on it now, I think it was sort of silly, but maybe I'll do it for the last chapter. And yes, a lot of the stories my reviewers wrote, I'll either look at the summary of, or I'll have read in the past. I've stopped doing that as much, but that's usually because my loyal reviewers… you, A.Dee, and SP… well, you know I'll read your stories, and no one really has anything good out lately.

That would just be really freaky if I checked my stories and found you updated after me. I would be _very_ alarmed.

Aalikane: Still, I'm sorry for making you tear.

Calen: Yes, well, Harry is quite the innocent victim in my story. I do sort of like the idea of Harry having his whole world crash around him, but at least not all at once, so that he doesn't realize how screwed up he has it.

TPoR: Aww, I'm sorry. That's sort of a compliment though, right? Well, that could explain the 'congratulations'. Thanks for your vote of confidence.

Hedwigs-biggest-fan: Well, you're the first one to come out and say it. To tell the truth, you were a bit more rational then some of my other reviewers… just kidding around. We would never accuse Remus of that! Poor guy… he's a werewolf, see? That makes him instantly an innocent bystander… and a cutie pie. Don't ask me where I got that from, I've never called anyone that in my life. He seems like the 'pet' of the book though. You know? I'm making this story so that it can stand alone a part from not knowing what happened to Ron…

Lt. Jaina Solo Fel: Thanks a lot.

Solaris Day: Unfortunately, I only have on more chapter left, and that's all ready completed, so, this fic is officially over. Wow. God, I hate to Burst into hysterical sobs admitted it. sniff No! Not again! I hope the last part of this chapter did it for you. Yes, I like snarky Harry too. I think my 'Bitter' Harry kind of seeped its way into Loss, right around the end there. I can't make any promises for the sequel, unfortunately. Thanks for your review though.

Rose Estraz: Wow. That really sucks. I have some odd teachers, but I don't think any would grade us on a college level. This one I like is retiring this year, and I for one am devastated. He was like my Mr. Feeny, from Boy Meets World, you know? Don't worry if you don't though.

Oceanjewel: I didn't want it to either. But now it's over.

Juli Black Potter: I can't tell you that, unfortunately. I think I might cover it in the sequel, but I can't be positive. Thanks for your review.

Kari Kamiya10: Guess you can't read this until you get up to chapter 25, but thanks for reading anyway. : )

Notes: So… I'd decided that, if everyone wants me to, this next chapter, I'll have Padfoot do the reviews for one last time. Sailoranime gave me the idea, so I'm not sure it's a good one winks. Everyone, what ever happens this last chapter, I want you all to know that I really appreciate your reviews.


	26. New Beginings

**Loss**

By BlackPotterGrl

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**Chapter XXVI-New Beginnings**

Harry got onto the plane, feeling very self-conscious, and apprehensive. Sirius instructed him to sit down in row 10 A, and he noticed that Sirius and his fiancé where sitting in an empty row next to him. He sat down, uneasy about the whole thing. Perhaps the fact that he was surrounded by muggles was making him on edge.

A painful throbbing had started in his stomach the night before and it was all Harry could do to ignore the stabs of pain. He hadn't told Sirius this because he didn't want him to worry about him.

He fastened his seatbelt, and tugged on the loose end, looking for something to preoccupy himself. He knew they would be showing a movie on the flight, but he knew he wouldn't be interested in it, and it was an eight-hour flight. He wished he could have brought his holiday homework on the plane with him, but he realized that with all of the muggles on board, he couldn't risk it.

The plane took off a half-an-hour later, and by that time, Harry had completely run out of things to do. He looked longingly at the books in the muggles hands, wishing he could have brought one- even a muggle book would do.

The movie came on and it turned out to be a stupid romance, chick-flick that he had no interest in. He looked to Sirius for conversation to see that he was busy snogging Professor Murphy. He could watch the movie and see less cheesiness. It wouldn't have been as disgusting if it had been with someone he didn't have a horrible dislike to.

He wondered if someone he liked were marrying his godfather, would he react differently to her? But Professor Murphy had already had two strikes against her when Sirius announced his engagement.

Without having anything to preoccupy himself with mentally, it was only so much he could do to stop himself from crying out in pain as the throbbing seemed to grow into pulsating. He bit his lip, and reclined his seat, whimpering in pain.

He firmly resolved that he wasn't going to spoil the vacation by telling Sirius. He looked over at him, looking away as he saw that Sirius hadn't stopped kissing Murphy. He wiped the sweat that had broken out on his forehead away. The pain seemed to go away slightly as he bit his lower lip.

One part of him felt happy that Sirius hadn't noticed, but he had an angry buzzing little voice telling him that he should be angry that Sirius hadn't noticed at all. It wasn't like that before. It always seemed like Sirius was the all-powerful all-knowing older figure that he could look to for advice and never get anything past. He always assumed that Sirius would stay that way, but Carmon had changed him.

Even the person sitting next to him noticed how much pain he seemed to be in. She was an older woman, with graying hair and a kind smile. At the sight of Sirius and Carmon, she smiled wistfully. "Isn't it nice to see young people so in love?"

"Not when one of them is your Godfather."

"Well, you should be happy for him!"

"I _hate_ her! Coming in, ruining everything…" He realized he had started mumbling, but Hermione had heard it so many times from him, she left the room every time he started up.

"Oh, you'll get used to her… say, are you okay?" She had noticed him hunched over in pain. He sat back reluctantly, not wanting to draw attention.

"Yeah… fine. I guess I just have a little air sickness." She dug around in her tote bag and pressed a bottle of pain reliever into his hand.

"Works for me every time." Harry had been expecting an antacid, but he guessed this would work a lot better for him, and he thanked her.

Harry turned the station to some music, but nothing good was on. Sirius had Murphy had stopped kissing, but were in deep conversation about a stupid subject like who should be in the wedding party. He wasn't sure if he should refuse if Sirius offered him the spot of best man.

Harry just winced painfully as the pain hadn't been alleviated yet, despite the pill. He started reading the travel magazine in his desperation to find something to do to keep his mind off the pain. Finally, after what felt like days to Harry, the pilot came over the loud speaker to announce that everyone should fasten their seatbelts, as she was getting ready to land. By that time, the pain reliever had done its work.

Harry settled back into his seat happily. By the end of the trip, Harry realized how much he hated planes. 'I think I'll stick to my broom the next time I want to fly'.

Harry hadn't had any carry-on luggage for which he was grateful. The painkiller was starting to wear off, and the throbbing was coming back with a vengeance. He realized, however, that Sirius had turned his attention on him for the first time since they had taken off. "Figures", he thought, "Just when I need some privacy." Harry followed Sirius into the airport, towards their luggage. Harry only needed one bag as it had another bottomless charm on it. The weightless charm on it didn't put strain on his stomach so he happily carried it off.

Harry had to stand around for another fifteen minutes while Sirius rented the car and they drove off to the hotel.

When they had finally checked into the hotel, Harry was almost delirious with pain. Sirius informed him that he and professor Murphy were sharing a room, and he would have one to himself. Harry didn't even respond to that as he didn't have the strength to. He did, however, feel a bit nauseous at the thought.

He got up to the room, threw his bag across the room and collapsed on the bed. He didn't even have the strength to get up and unpack. He did, however, have to get up with excruciating pain and rush to the bathroom to throw up everything he had eaten on the plane. Walking back to the bed, he remembered the pills, and dug through his pocket to find them. He read the instruction, and realized his mistake. He had been supposed to take two of them. He popped them in, hoping they would work faster then before. He went back to the bed and curled into the fetal position, trying to stop the pain.

Fifteen minutes later, he heard a knock on the door, and didn't have the strength to open it himself. "Harry? Oh there you are." He angrily noted that Sirius didn't seem to notice that he was in agony. "Well, we're going down to the buffet for dinner."

"Uh, I'm kind of tired. Maybe I'll just order room service or something." Harry said, glad he could just add it to the tab. "You go ahead without me."

It was very unlike Sirius not to argue about it, but Sirius just shrugged, and left. Harry just buried his head in the pillow, relishing the coolness of it against his fevered forehead. Harry fell asleep there, desperate to escape the pain.

Harry had a dream that Snape had poisoned him and it had made his stomach explode.

He awoke again, to find to his pleasure that the pain had dulled. Sirius suddenly walked into the room. "Oh, I just wanted to say goodnight to you. I hope you get some rest, you look kind of pale. Maybe you'll look better when you go out in the sun. You have to see the beach, Har! The view is amazing." He left after a whine of recognition.

Harry ordered some food, but when they brought it up, the sight of it made him nauseous. He ended up neglecting his soup and eating the crackers and sipping the soda. He remembered that whenever he was sick as a child, his aunt would give him a can of ginger ale and screech at him not to throw up on any of the furniture.

He fell asleep again. He woke up during the night to find that the pain had come back. He checked the time and realized that the pain killers must have off, so he took more. He woke up once more that night to throw up his dinner, and then the next time it was day.

He laid watching cartoons for most of the morning. He took another dose of medicine before Sirius came in and told him that they were going to the beach, which, conveniently enough, was right off the hotel. Harry knew he couldn't tell Sirius that he didn't want to go because that would cause him to be suspicious.

Harry packed a bag with a beach towel, and sun block. He followed Sirius, being careful to mind his still dully throbbing stomach. He went down to the beach, laid out his beach towel next to Sirius, who rested next to Murphy, and rested, perfectly content to lay there all day long. He was clad in a pair of cutoff jeans and an unbuttoned white shirt.

He lay there for ten minutes before Sirius suddenly came into his line of vision. "Aren't you going to swim or something?" he asked him.

"Nah, that's alright. I'm fine here." Harry said. Looking at him through his sunglasses.

"But, isn't that the point of going to the beach? To go swimming?" Sirius prodded.

"Why don't you go?" Harry asked.

"Well, I wanted you to come with me." Sirius said, slightly hurt. "I mean, you don't have to, I just thought you might want to."

Harry felt obligated to go and swim, but his stomach, almost sensing his guilt, seemed to grow more painful. "I- sure. I guess I can go for a couple of minutes." Harry heaved himself into a sitting position, cringing at the pain it provoked. He took off his shirt and threw it near the towel, gratefully for the charms that he looked up to cover up the scars on his arms. He noticed that Sirius must have done similar to him, for his torso looked untouched.

He then made his way toward the ocean, watching the wave crash down on the shore as his stomach clenched causing him more pain.

The water was extremely cold as he stepped into it, feeling the water splash his feet. He got about waist deep before he began to shiver violently, causing surges of pain in his lower stomach. It always seemed like Sirius was numb to temperature. He kept heading out toward the ocean, Harry in his wake. Harry got up to his shoulders, until the waves became too violent for him, and they swept him off his feet.

Harry was finding that swimming in the ocean looked more fun then it was, but that could be his stomach talking. Sirius by his side, Harry was feeling overwhelmed by the pain in his stomach, and the unrelenting waves around him, and he belted toward the shore. When he was on the beach again, he rushed forward to the first trashcan he saw and puked the little that had remained in his stomach.

He felt Sirius rubbing his back after a while, realizing he must have followed him. He turned, flushed, and tried to make an excuse. "I think I swallowed too much sea water. You know that stuff can make you really sick." He said hoping Sirius would buy it.

"Why don't you go back to the hotel and take a nap?" Sirius told him. As Harry walked toward the beach, he saw Sirius head toward Murphy, who was wearing a strange smile, as he grabbed his towel, happy to turn away from the scene, he headed back toward the room.

Sirius woke Harry up later that day, and he noticed that the pain was back.

"Come on Harry, we're going to be late for dinner." Harry didn't get a chance to grab the pills to his dismay.

"The restaurant off of the hotel has really good food. You know, fancy. I was hoping for some seafood. You like lobster? Shrimp?" He asked, as they walked down the hall towards the restaurant off the lobby. Murphy walked next to Sirius, holding his arm wrapped around hers once again.

"Oh, the boy can have salad if he doesn't like seafood. It's expensive you know."

He was happy to see a glare in her direction. "Don't worry about the price. And you can have steak if you don't like seafood."

He pressed his check against the cool metal of the elevator wall and leaned heavily against the railing.

Sirius turned to look at him. "You don't look good at all. How do you feel?"

"I'm… fine." He tried to perk up, but it hurt to stand up straight. He felt Sirius's hand on his forehead. He couldn't help but appreciate the coolness of it.

"You have an awful fever… I think. Feel his forehead Carmon."

"I'm fine! Seriously! My forehead is just sunburnt." He responded at the thought of her putting her hands on him.

"If you're sure."

They arrived at the restaurant and Harry felt nauseous again, looking at the food. Harry managed to sit down for fifteen minutes trying to look like he was eating his dinner. Inside he felt like his intestines had exploded. His stomach felt like it had been pumped with thousands of bolts of electricity.

"I… I have to go to the bathroom." Harry said in a very strained voice. He stood up from chair next to Sirius, when he collapsed to his knees in pain.

Sirius looked down in concern. "Harry? What's wrong?" Harry didn't notice it though. He had tears of pain streaming down his face and he was biting his lip until it drew blood.

He couldn't take it anymore. He let out a cry of pain. The entire restaurant had stopped what they were doing to stare at him.

He cried harder as he felt Sirius take him in his arms and carry him away. He could feel every step Sirius took reverberating and causing pain to his stomach. He felt Sirius lunge up the steps and through the elevator door. He couldn't tell any of his surroundings, but he could make out the blurry form of Sirius's concerned face looking down at him.

He felt himself being put down on a soft surface but this did nothing to ease the pain. He saw Sirius looking bewildered and he suddenly moved out of his line of vision. "No!" Harry called through the tears. "Come back!" He said hoarsely.

Sirius looked scared. This frightened Harry more then anything. Sirius was never scared! Harry had never seen Sirius afraid in the entire time that he had known the man. "I- I'm going to call a doctor. I- I'll b-be right back! I promise!" Sirius told him. Harry cried out to him but he disappeared from view.

Harry cried in anguish and pain. Even the Cruciatus curse had ever caused such concentrated pain before. Sirius suddenly reappeared by him and kneeled by his bedside. He entangled a hand with Harry's own, and Harry squeezed it tightly. He realized that he was probably hurting him, but Sirius made no move to pull his hands away.

Sirius stroked Harry's sweat-soaked, dripping wet hair. "It's going to be alright, Harry. You're going to be okay. Where does it hurt?" Sirius asked him.

"Stomach" Harry stammered hoarsely. "It hurts so much Sirius! Please. Make it stop. Please, make the pain go away!" Harry pleaded, not caring that Sirius must have felt helpless.

"Hang in there Har. Please, I know it hurts. I know." Sirius told him. He sat on the bed next to him and gently placed his head on his lap. 

"It's going to be okay in just a little bit, Harry. Just hang in there!" Sirius said from somewhere as the world faded to black. He could feel Sirius's hand stroke his forehead.

"I'm afraid he has sever food poisoning. He will have to be rushed to the hospital immediately." Said a voice somewhere in the darkness.

"Yes of course." He heard Sirius say back.

"Well, I'm going to call the ambulance. They will be on their way soon." Said the first voice. There was a silence.

"Sirius, baby?" he heard another female voice; Murphy.

"Yeah?"

"Well, I was just thinking, you know, the boy-."

"His name's Harry."

"Yes, Harry. Well, Anyway, I was thinking, Harry's going to be in the hospital for a while. He isn't going to miss us. We shouldn't let this spoil the trip." Harry couldn't believe the nerve of her.

"What are you trying to say? I'm not leaving Harry alone in a hospital for Christmas!"

"No, no, of course not!" she persuaded. "I would never imply that! I was just thinking; we could be back before Christmas. We could just stay for another three days. It would be no big deal. We'd be back by Christmas eve."

"Are you suggesting that we go on vacation while my godson has his stomach pumped?" Sirius replied in a scoffing voice.

"Well, it's not like he's going to care. You know, I'm marrying you, not your godson! Besides, It's only for three days. And he'll probably be so drugged up that he won't even notice. Come on sweetheart! It'll be nice and romantic. We won't have the kid to look after… Just you and me. Like we planned it." She was using that oh-so sugary sweet voice that irked him so.

"First of all, his name is Harry. He's not 'the boy', and he's not 'the kid'! He's Harry, and he's my godson, okay! And secondly, is that all you can think of; the stupid vacation? Didn't you see the pills on his nightstand? He's been in pain this entire trip, I'd bet you. He probably didn't want to ruin the trip for us. I am not leaving him a in a hospital bed over the holidays. I want to sit around on a beach for three days too, but I have this little thing called a conscience."

"Go ahead and go Sirius. I'll be fine. It'll be a quick stay and then I'll be out in time for Christmas. Don't worry about me." Harry persuaded in a drugged voice, finally opening his eyes. 

Sirius looked at him with such… incredulity? Love? Like he couldn't believe that Harry would do something so selfless. Harry didn't understand the look. Sirius took Harry's hand in his, and sat down in a chair at his bedside. "Har, you are either the most generous person I know, or the stupidest. Or perhaps the morphine has gone to your head."

"Love you too Sirius." Harry replied coolly, "I think that I would rather you go with the former."

"No, I'm going with the latter. Do you honestly think that I'm going to leave you alone in a hospital?" Sirius asked.

"Come on Sirius, I want you to have a good trip. It's Christmas time. You and Professor Murphy enjoy your vacation. I'll be fine. Trust me, I'll be back in time to have a nice Christmas. I've had worse Christmases then this." He knew that he had overdone it with the last statement. Sirius would never go now. Not that he really wanted him to. "You didn't have a problem leaving me with Remus in the first place."

"That was before you got sick, Harry. I'm coming with you. You know what Carmon; you can stay here if you want to be on vacation so bad. In fact, you can live here for all I care. If you can't accept my godson, I don't think I can marry you. I'm sorry. You're going to have to choose. You get me and Harry, or you don't get either." Sirius told her.

"Sirius! Shut up you stupid prat." Harry hissed, though he didn't know why he was doing it. He didn't want Sirius to marry her anyway, but he definitely didn't want Sirius to lose his fiancé at his expense. Maybe the morphine was affecting him, but an idea was sparked in the back of his mind.

"No Harry, I'm serious. I love you Carmon, but… I love Harry more. I'm sorry." Carmon looked furious, even more so at the look Harry had on his face.

"How dare you! This is an outrage! You know, if anything, I should be dumping you. You didn't tell me about your fucking godson when we first started dating. If I had known about the boy, I never would have gotten so serious with you. Honestly!" and she stalked towards the door.

"You did it, didn't you? You poisoned me!"

"What are you talking about?" her heavily made up face was burning with anger. She didn't remotely attractive.

"Because you didn't want me to go. You did something to my pizza, or something, so that I would have to go to the hospital. Admit it!"

She glared at him with utmost fury, then she slid –quite snakelike, actually – towards the door muttering "Brat."

Sirius's eyes bugged out of his head, and he walked forward towards Murphy. "You poisoned my Godson?" His voice was low and dangerous.

"Get out of my sight before I do something that I know I'm going to regret!"

Sirius's eyes bugged out of his head, and he walked forward towards Murphy. "You poisoned my Godson?" His voice was low and dangerous.

Harry, not wanting to miss an opportunity to leave her with a few parting words, let slip, "Enjoy the warm weather, professor! You'll be feeling a lot of it where you're going!" He relished in the look she gave him. He turned to Sirius to yell at him for being stupid though.

"Well I'm definitely going to fail History of Magic, now. You're an id-"

"Shut up Harry. I don't want to hear you say that I shouldn't have done that, okay. It needed to be done for a long time. I can't marry someone who would do something that ruthless to a kid." Sirius said.

Harry sat up. Despite the strong painkiller he still flinched slightly at the small movement. "Sirius, you are either the most generous person I know, or the stupidest. And you don't have morphine as an excuse." Harry repeated with a smile. "Either way I love you though." He said, and Sirius pulled him into a hug.

Harry recovered slowly, and had to stay in the hospital until Christmas Eve. Since it was a muggle illness, and he couldn't exactly get to a wizarding hospital, he had to stay in a hospital on the island. Dumbledore had to send them a portkey to get back to their house.

He was glad to be home. Sirius had to do some major last minute decorating, but Harry and Sirius found a huge tree to decorate. Well, Sirius decorated. Sirius let him put the star on the top of the tree with his help, as Harry couldn't do much in his weak state. Harry found that admiring the tree was even better than thinking about the presents that would be under it. Even in all of their years at Hogwarts, the two agreed that it was the best tree either of them had ever seen.

The night of Christmas Eve, they both just sat down on the couch, watching the fire sparkle in the baubles on the tree, drinking hot chocolate.

"I've only had a few, and the only ones that could really count were the ones spent at Hogwarts, but I'd have to say that this is the best Christmas yet."

Sirius nodded his head. "I just wish that you had better ones in the past to compare it to. Your dad would have made a spectacular Christmas for you."

Harry smiled, and softly said, "He did."

He saw Sirius try to catch his eye, but Harry looked toward the fire. Harry laid his head down against Sirius, and curled up under the blanket. Sirius put his arm around Harry's shoulders. Harry fell asleep feeling warm, and loved.

Through the fog of sleep, he could hear voices.

"Oh, come on, Moony! You have to come over! You just have to! Firstly, and most importantly, you can't spend Christmas alone. That's just not right. You're spending Christmas with your friends. And secondly…" Sirius's voice got slightly awkward. "Uh, see, since that bitch poisoned him, Harry is still having problems with his stomach, and he can't really be on his feet a lot."

"And let me guess… You are going to be having spaghetti O's for dinner tonight unless I come over and cook for you."

"Actually, it's more like cold cereal. But the point is, we want you over for company… and we don't want to starve, or burn the house down. And, I mean, you wouldn't subject Harry to cooking days after recovering from acute food poisoning."

"She the bitch _now_. She was the love of your life a few days ago…" he could hear the growl starting in Sirius's chest that he rested against. "and you need to quit being so bloody dramatic."

"Look at his poor little malnourished face, Moony! He'll be eating cereal for Christmas!"

"Well, okay Padfoot." Said Remus's voice.

"Really? You'll come?"

"To tell you the truth, you had me at 'Hey Moony!', but I liked watching you beg, and drag poor emaciated Harry into it."

"Remus, have you been watching Jerry Maguire?"

He opened his eyes to a huge pile of presents underneath the tree. Even bigger then the pile Ron usually got.

"Hey Harry? How are you?" asked Remus, who's head was floating in the fire.

"Oh, hey Remus! Merry Christmas." He said groggily.

"Happy Christmas!"

Remus's head disappeared from the fire, and soon the flames turned green and Remus walked with grace from the grate, tripping over Sirius's new dart board in the process, and falling flat on his face.

Harry stifled laughter, but Sirius was a bit less graceful. He pulled an arm over his shoulder, and helped him up from the couch and towards the space next to the tree that wasn't crowded with gifts as he pulled Remus up by the back of the robes. He found the presents everyone had sent him. Ron's family got him a book about – what else? – quidditch in addition to his yearly sweater, and Hermione got him refills to his broomstick service kit, to which was met with a smile of approval from Sirius. Hagrid had made him a carving of a blast-ended screwt that worked as a lighter, and shot flames out of its end. Harry assumed that was just for laughs. He hadn't expected anything from him, but Remus had gotten him a wand pocket protector.

"It's to make sure you don't accidentally light your jeans on fire." Remus had told him. For some odd reason, Remus and Sirius had shared a laugh over that.

"I was going to get you a 'Best Godfather Ever' shirt, but I knew you would hate having to wear it. So I got one for Remus." Harry said. Both Remus and Sirius stopped what they were doing and saying to look at him with wide eyes. "Kidding! Kidding." Harry smirked.

"It's sort of a present to both of you. I wrote a couple letters and requested some favors, but… well. Open it up." Harry handed Sirius the present. It was wrapped up, but it was clearly a book. Sirius ripped the paper off it, and his eyebrows knitted together.

"Hogwarts a History Revised? Gee, thanks." Sirius sounded slightly strained.

"Well, while it isn't in stores yet, and I did order it first edition, that isn't the gift." Harry opened the book up to the table of content. "This is." Harry pointed to chapter eight, which read, 'The Marauders'.

Sirius's eyes widened and it took him almost a minute to speak. "Wow! You got them to put a chapter in there about us? How'd you pull that off? This is awesome! Moony, come here and have a look at this." Remus had the same reaction as Sirius.

"Gee, thank you so much, Harry. You made my gift to you look like crap next to yours. I'm the one who's supposed to give the extravagant gifts here." Sirius told him with amusement running through his voice.

Sirius had gotten him a lot of different things. He got a bunch of defense against the dark arts books he couldn't get in the library at school and a quidditch book about seeker moves. He also gave him a photo album of pictures of the marauders (de-Peterfide of course), and quite a few pictures of the two of them. ("I told Sirius how much you liked those pictures on his wall.")

"Well, I'll see you guys later. Merry Christmas. And good luck Sirius." Harry had meant to ask him what he needed luck for, but he had disappeared into the fire.

Sirius looked kind of sheepish. "I- er, I also have another gift… well, it can be taken as a gift. I don't know if you would really want it or anything, and you don't have to. See, I, er. I decided this might be right since I was getting married, and I really wanted us to be sort of like a family. Obviously that won't happen though." Harry stared at Sirius. What was he talking about? Surely not…

"You know how much I love you, right?".

Harry nodded a bit dazed. Wasn't this what Sirius had been avoiding discussing for a long time now?

Sirius looked somber, with a downcast look on his face. The same look he had every time the subject came up. "Harry, I, I want to adopt you." Sirius said in a nervous voice. He looked at Harry like it was a question.

Inside, Harry could name a thousand emotions that were running lose in his head, making him feel almost sick. The main one was shock. "You… what?" Harry asked in an expressionless tone, trying not to show emotion in case he had misheard.

"I want to adopt you. You've mentioned it quite a few times, I realize. I've been sidestepping the whole thing, I know. It hurt me, when you said that you didn't think that that I considered you my son, but I couldn't say anything because I had wanted to keep it a surprise. I still want you to call me Sirius, and you don't have to change your last name or anything like that. I just thought that… oof" Sirius was cut off mid sentence though. Harry had practically jumped into his arms in enthusiasm.

Harry was rendered speechless, happiness filled him. He didn't know what to say. He knew he wouldn't be able to express in words how happy this made him, but he made a try.

"I think… best Christmas ever applies here… I get my father back." And he meant it in both senses of the word. Sirius had finally realized what was most important in his life and realized Murphy wasn't who he thought she was. He now had a father again.

"Merry Christmas, Harry."

"Merry Christmas Dad."

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**End-Loss**

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I'm not going to bore you with clichés and goodbyes, mostly because there is a sequel to be written. I will tell you my schedule for the next couple of fanfics, however, and hope you're okay with this.

I actually do have an epilogue of sorts in the works, though I'm not sure I'm going to post it with the rest of Loss, so it's probably going to be on my Livejournal, so check for that.

I'm going to go back and fix up these chapters, and maybe redo a couple of them, because some of them were really tacky and corny, you know?

I have no idea how long the sequel will take to be posted, but I know I want to get a few chapters under my butt before I put it up, because I don't really have an exact plan for everything, thought that's what happened through most of Loss… I winged it. See how that turned out?

That is all for this account. I can't say with my other account. Believe it or not, that was supposed to be full of fics that I hadn't expected to do well… strange, that, huh?

Check my LJ periodically for teasers and other such things. I'll probably be posting a summary of the sequel soon.

I know I have something else I wanted to mention, but I can't remember. That always happens!

****

Responses:

Serebii: Thanks so much for your review. Yes, maybe I'll mention in the sequel that she died after being run over and dragged for three miles by a truck carrying dippers or something.

Lory In Love: Thanks so much. It's always nice to have someone laugh at your corny jokes, you know? No one will ever get tired to proclaiming their hatred for Murphy. Well, I hope this chapter made up for it. Thanks so much.

Buffy Summers1: Thanks so much. Yeah, the ending was inspired by something that had happen to me in the past, but it seemed to work well with the ending in this one, even though I didn't intend it to.

Calen: Oh, if only that would have worked. Harry is much to well intentioned to do something like that… but then again, it's always the quiet ones you have to look out for.

FroBoy: I had actually thought about that, but I figured that in the end, Sirius would just believe him, and she would get caught in her own lie.

Pixie89: Oh, it's quite all right. Everyone has cursed out Murphy at one time or another. It's pretty funny actually. Yeah, that really ended it though… this bitch had to go, before the reviewers broke out the pitchforks, you know? Everyone who reviews me seems to hate Ron for some reason. Why, because he was created to get rid of, and leave angst ridden Harry for us fanfiction readers to want to coddle. You can do anything to him! I used to be a huge H/Hr shipper, but now I'm more in favor of just leaving Harry alone and unloved except for everyone but Sirius and Remus.

Nope, this is it. I've got the sequel still to do, but people might as well start polishing their pitchforks right now, because I know everyone is going to hate it. (Okay, I've seen Shrek one too many times.) Yeah, I know Malfoy doesn't make many appearances, but maybe I can add him in the story a little more in the sequel.

Well, I do love Remus a lot. He's going to be more important towards the end of the sequel, though. Yes, I thought about that too. I didn't mean to leave Remus out, but I wanted to have him there because I liked that whole 'once in a blue moon' 'shudder' thing. I'm writing a story with him as the main character though…

Thanks for your review.

SiriusLvr: Yeah, I know, I was crying in class when I thought it up, actually, and everyone was staring. I have algebra to thank for so much of Loss, you know? Thanks for your review.

Hedwigs-biggest-fan: No one's ever responded to your reviews? I can't believe that! Well, I hope this chapter is to your satisfaction.

Savoy Truffle: Yes, I realize that. Everyone sees Sirius as being a beater. I always thought it would have been pretty strange if all of the marauders were on the quidditch team, and it always seems like Peter and Remus are left out of them. Just trying to go for something new. Damn… six stories. Maybe you should just focus on the prequel and the sequel for now, but that's just me. Yeah, that actually sounds like a really good idea, but I wouldn't have Sirius find him dead… maybe just critically injured. Guilt trip for Sirius, especially if Harry complains to him about it, and he won't hear of it. Wow, I really want this written now!

Rose Estraz: Wow, seriously? I would be too scared to complain, but then again, I would probably say something not expecting anything to come of it, and have someone do something about it. Isn't that just the best feeling in the world though? No more school! Today was my last day!

Dehdeh: Yeah, don't you just want to take her neck in your hand just makes violent hand gesture? Thanks for your review.

Lt. Jaina Solo Fel: Yeah, but now she's alone. Maybe she'll get a really horrible sunburn, because god knows there is no pain like an all over sunburn.

Didge: Getting along? With Murphy? You must not have been paying close attention. Lol, just joking. It would seem pretty convenient if she were a death eater though, don't you think? After finding out what she did to Harry, I would think that Sirius would be more pissed off at her then heartbroken, because Harry had been saying it all along, you know?

Sailoranime: That was still alarming that we're doing this. I mean, I swear if you come out with a chapter for any of your stories, I would be so freaked out. I'm really in the mood to write more of Loss, but there is no more left… it's all the sequel from now on, and the sequel is an evil bitch, and it doesn't end the same way, you know?

Why would that be mean? Ron's just… makes violent hand gesture ugh! Yes, I can see it… the plane was going down, and there were only two parachutes left, and Sirius had to decide… though with magic… oh well, too bad.

I know exactly what you mean. I do that on TV all the time. When you know the main character is going to make a _huge_ fool of themselves, and you just want to shut the damn thing off…

I got sort of pissed off about that, actually… he should have sent more food, Sirius was living off rats for him, and he didn't even mind all that much. At the time, it seemed like a low priority. But can you imagine actually eating a rat? I mean, what part of it do you eat? Oh, I know you're going to have forgotten about your resolution, and if you didn't, then I'm making a fool out of myself, but who really cares anymore?

I was wondering about that. The order of comments, but I do that a lot too. Write a review and start talking about the middle first, and then the beginning, and then the end. It gets confusing. Yeah, I actually got that 'makeup sex' thing from Seinfield (sp?) and I had had the urge to use it in my story for like, five years, and now seemed like the good time. Actually, I did know that, strangely enough. I've had people tell me that before.

I don't really see how her not being able to have more children would fit into the story all that well. You know, it seems like it's not really that big a deal when a woman can't reproduce, but it's like, the most horrible thing ever if a man can't, you know? I'll stop talking though. Thanks for the review.

Headmaster Cromwell: Yeah, thanks for the invitation, but I've never really had that big a thing for role playing. I don't know why though.

Someone: I just got out of school today. Don't complain about grades to me. I failed algebra, and I don't even notice if I fail electives anymore, I'm doing so badly in them. I also got a D in science, but I blame the teacher for that one. I did, however, get an A in reading/communications, so congratulate me! I'm not even sure which chapters I'm on currently for just about anything, I have too many stories out, you know? Feel free to drop me a note in my livejournal. I would love to hear from you. Me, myself, I'm always really scared of commenting on someone's LJ unless I talk to them a lot, but that might just be me.

Katani Petitedra: marvels at the fact that she could spell your name without looking Yup, quite the bi-ach, don't you think? Yeah, I know what you mean. It's really hard for the author to see that when they wrote the piece, you know? Because when you know what's happening, it's hard to see why no one else wouldn't be able to. I think this has a relatively happy ending, don't you?

Kiki: Yeah, I know what J.K. means when she says she wishes she could apologize for what she had done to him.

Eruve tinwen: You make sure you don't bottle that anger up too much. I recommend an aerobic kickboxing workout after reading Loss, and then maybe a hot bath. I'm really in the mood for a hot bath… maybe with some bath beads, and I'll light a few scented candles… but I'm getting off topic. I'm taking a power nap after I post this and then I'm taking that bath though.

Oceanjewel: hums Usher song that'll be in my head for an hour now, I'm sure.  Yeah, Sirius was acting pretty weird, wasn't he? God, men are awesome until they start dating really bitchy girls, but then again, I am quite the little bitch sometimes… Maybe he was mad about the bike incident though…

XoXMelJayXoX: I think a part of all of us were sort of hoping for an unhappy ending, that's why I'm thinking of writing an alternate universe fic where they _did_ get married, but that's pretty much a pipe dream at this point. I don't know, be on the lookout for it, I guess. I was actually thinking about this in relevance to this episode of Seventh Heaven where this kid knew somehow that his Mom's boyfriend was abusive. It's always the kids who know first.

Aalikane: Well, you saw what happened, but the pensive thing really got me thinking…

My Divinest: Yes, you are the only reason I had that happen. I was actually going to write a horrible ending with Harry on the streets. Hehe. Just kidding.

Joeyperson: Thanks a lot. Usually I suck at ending my chapters, but I guess I did okay last time. Thanks for your review.

Tatshing: Um, actually, it's over, unfortunately. Read the sequel if you want more though.

Igetalong: Thanks a lot. It's over, actually. I'm really sorry about that. Maybe you should read the sequel.

Mr. Happy Java Man: Yeah, I know, I loved that story by Relle. I was pretty surprised that you were the first person to notice the similarities between them. When I started Loss, I hadn't realized just how similar they would be though, you know? The difference is that Murphy isn't a death eater, she's just a bitch, and she actually likes Sirius, you know?

Star-prancer: Yup… doesn't it just suck? You feel that too? Yup, the few scenes there are with Harry and Hermione, it always feels like… well, like there is peace, instead of annoying bantering and fighting, and it leaves more room for Harry's thought and feelings, you know? Yeah, I felt really bad about Remus, but in the end, he did get to spend Christmas with his friends, you know? Neville is such a cutie, you know? His life really sucks. Yeah, it's good that Harry realized that his life could be a lot worse, even though we want to coddle him anyway… or I do.

Lizziepooh29: Well, here you go. I hope you liked the ending. Yeah, she did more than threaten him, though, but she got her just deserts.

MissPanther: Yeah, I know. I just want to hug him right now. Speaking of burning… did you like that line? Maybe not hell, but maybe a nice sunburn…

Writer Chica: Did you like the ending? I really hope so!

Notes: So, since I know no one reads these notes, I'm just going to say that I love all of you.


	27. Epilogue

Thank you all for reading. The sequel won't be up for quite a while, but in the mean time, I'll be working on my HP-KD account stories, and I'll be redoing some of earlier chapters.  
  
The epilogue is dedicated to my beta, SarahPeach, who's birthday it is today. Oh yeah, and Sirius, I guess, because technically, it's the one year anniversary of his death.  
  
Epilogue  
  
He knew the sun hadn't risen yet, even whilst his eyes were closed, and his face buried against the semi-cold comforter. He ran through a mental checklist of things that could have woken him up.  
  
He had gone to sleep relatively late the previous night, so he couldn't be fully rested, and his eyes still burned slightly from lack of sleep. The tiny remains of pain from in his stomach weren't heavy enough to wake him. His knee itched a bit from the sunburn he had received, but he knew that wasn't it either. His bladder wasn't protesting, so the first thing he wanted to do was to roll over, adjust his pillows, and go back to sleep.  
  
He was quiet for a few seconds though, because he could hear breathing.  
  
He could hear it was intermittent, and the only person in the house with him at that point was his godfather, so it had to be him, or a very sluggish death eater. He could hear no whispered spells, but he could hear a murmur of words that he couldn't quite make out.  
  
He dared to crack open an eye.  
  
He could see the silhouette of his godfather. Still feeling groggy, he licked his lips; feeling dehydrated, and brushed his arm against what he assumed to be Sirius's knee to let him know he was awake without startling him.  
  
"You all right, Sirius?" he could tell by the sharp intake of breath through his nose that his attempt hadn't been very successful. Then again, Sirius had never been one for outward displays of surprise, so it might have been something else.  
  
"Did I wake you up?" their words were both in whispers, despite the empty house.  
  
He shook his head in an outright lie. He wasn't usually such a light sleeper, though.  
  
"Sorry." He said, obviously seeing through the fib.  
  
"What's wrong? Can't sleep?" Opening his eyes wider, he noticed that Sirius was sitting backwards in a particularly uncomfortable chair that had been sitting at his desk, with his hands folded and chin on top of the back. It was why he used the library slash office off of the living room; the chairs were much more comfortable.  
  
"Something like that." He replied, leaving Harry in confusion. For some strange reason, he felt more tired then normal. He had always been pretty good at being woken up at unreasonable hours, unless it was only so he could be bugged for something. "You go back to sleep, Harry. I was just about to leave anyway."  
  
"No, it's fine. Get in." His voice didn't leave much room for argument, but it didn't seem like Sirius really wanted to protest anyway.  
  
"Thanks." He said, quietly, accepting the covers in Harry's hands, and he lay against the pillows besides him as he scooted over.  
  
"What were you doing in here, anyway?" he asked, hoping he didn't sound like he was upset for the invasion of privacy.  
  
"I was just watching you sleep..."  
  
"What?" he asked in confusion. Why would anyone want to watch him sleep?  
  
"That's what us parent types do..." he said, smirking a bit. He was really getting into this parent thing, Harry could tell.  
  
"And do you... do this often?"  
  
"Over the summer, I would do it when I couldn't sleep. I'd just come in and sit and watch you sleep. And I'd... never mind."  
  
"No really, what would you do?"  
  
"It's stupid..."  
  
"Yeah, well I tell you about the stupid things I do. I never told Ron or Hermione about the cutting, and all that... well, Ron found out, but I never told him."  
  
"And you wouldn't have told me either if I hadn't asked you about it."  
  
"And with good reason, too. You went and you told Remus about that whole... thing..."  
  
"I hadn't realized that bothered you so much."  
  
"Well, it sort of does..."  
  
"You promise me that you'll never try anything that stupid again, Harry?"  
  
"Of course not, Sirius..."  
  
"Have I told you recently how sorry I am for almost marrying her?"  
  
"Oh, you've said it, maybe five times in the past twenty-four hours, but I'm still happy to hear it, so go ahead, you can say it again."  
  
"I'm sorry... I can't believe she would do something like that."  
  
"And you're sorry that you doubted my suspicions about her being an evil bi- "  
  
"Yes, yes, that too." He said with annoyance.  
  
"I forgive you, I guess... I mean, she was sort of attractive, in an evil, conniving sort of way." He said, smirking just a bit.  
  
There was a comfortable silence, until he posed the question. "So are you going to tell me?" He stared at Sirius across from the huge bed; his head propped up against his hand, as he rested his elbow in his pillow. Sirius groaned, in the same position as him.  
  
"Ugh... I thought you had forgotten."  
  
"You don't have to tell me if it's that personal to you, Sirius." He said, playing the 'I guess you can't confide in me' card.  
  
"No, no it's all right. I'll tell you. I- I was praying, Harry." He said, his voice sounded as if he was expecting to be teased.  
  
"Well that's nothing to be embarrassed about, and it certainly isn't stupid."  
  
"I'm not really a religious person, you know?"  
  
"Doesn't mean you can't pray. Who were you talking to?"  
  
"James... your mother... I'm- I'm not sure I'm doing the right thing with this adoption, Harry. I mean, I don't want to take the place of your father, but it really feels right. I just don't know what they would want me to do, Har."  
  
"If they loved me the way you're saying they do, I would think they would want me to be happy, though. Don't you think?"  
  
"I just don't know. I mean I know they would want you to have a good life, but James always had this sort of... protective thing with you. I mean, he let us play with you, and everything, but he didn't like the idea of all of us trying to become sort of surrogate fathers for you when you were young. He was really supportive of me settling down and having a family of my own. Like he was saying 'Get your hands off my kid.' You know?" It seemed like Sirius suddenly realized who he was talking to. "That isn't to say that he doesn't want you to be happy... I mean, he loved you something fierce..."  
  
Harry stared with a bit of shock. His father? He hadn't really expected. The way Sirius almost hero-worshiped him? He hadn't really expected him to be the territorial type.  
  
"I'm sure he wouldn't take it so far as to that he would rather see me grow up without anybody rather then have someone take his place. If he's up there watching... that must really freak you out."  
  
"Yeah, it does. I mean, I know if your mother could have a word with me right now, she would probably hit me for the whole thing with Carmon. She had quite the right hook, actually." He said, rubbing his jaw as if she had done it that morning.  
  
"If you don't want to adopt me, it really wouldn't be that big a deal. You're my godfather, and whatever happens, that's not going to change."  
  
"No, Harry, I think that despite whatever James would think of it, the choice is really yours. If you agree to it-"  
  
"Which, as I've said many times before, I do."  
  
"Then we should go along with it."  
  
There was a silence. Harry rolled over onto his back, and stared at the ceiling.  
  
"You ever wonder about Ron?"  
  
"He was my best friend, Sirius. Every night I wonder about him."  
  
"Do you think he's still alive?"  
  
He paused for a second, then he turned to look at Sirius. "No."  
  
There was a silence for half of a minute, and he knew that Sirius probably thought the subject had closed, but he spoke regardless.  
  
"I don't think it was ever really a matter of believing that he was missing or not. It more how long my optimism and denial would hold out for."  
  
"I'm not going to lie to you, because I don't think you'd believe me anyway. The chances he's alive are really slim, Harry. But, for all we know, he could have lost his memory and be living with a muggle family or something."  
  
"For all we know, I guess."  
  
"Have you... had any visions of Voldemort lately?"  
  
"No. That is strange, though, isn't it? With all the things that have been going on during this school year, I haven't even really been paying attention to it, but that's kind of strange, don't you think?"  
  
"Yeah... I'm not one to be pessimistic, but that rarely means anything good."  
  
"Maybe he found out a way for me not to hear his plans..."  
  
"I hadn't thought of that... but you might be right. Maybe once we get back from break I'll talk to Dumbledore about it."  
  
"Yeah, that's probably a good idea."  
  
Harry rolled over on to his stomach with his head turned out so that he was facing Sirius.  
  
"Hey, Sirius?" he started, his voice taking on a groggy tone.  
  
"What's going on, Har?" he asked, stealing a pillow out from under him.  
  
"Can you... tell me something about my mum?"  
  
Sirius seemed a bit taken aback. "I guess it must get annoying hearing about your dad all the time..."  
  
"No, it's not that... I don't know anything about my mum though."  
  
"Well, she didn't really like your father all that much up until the end and after Hogwarts. After his head deflated a bit, you know?"  
  
"Where you two friends?"  
  
"My head deflated a little after James's did, but up until they started going out I didn't really know her all that well." He said, scooting closer, and running a placating hand through Harry's hair, making his eyes droop. He closed his eyes, listening to his godfather speak in a low, calming voice that Harry figured was probably instated so that he would get to sleep easier.  
  
"Stuff really changed after the incident with Remus and Snape, and I think I really got my priorities in order. I mean, I had moved into your father's parents house by then, and the idea that I had almost killed someone really scared me, and what I had done to Remus... he refused to talk to me for almost that entire year after it happened, and that really got me thinking that I needed to be more mature. Then your dad started dating your mom, and I started going with girls for more then a week..."  
  
"What about Mum though?"  
  
"Well, she loved your father so much, but I supposed you don't want to hear that." He didn't respond; making noise was beyond his capabilities right now.  
  
"But I don't think that anyone loved you as much as she did. Not even me. She cared so much about you, I think James was a bit jealous of you, she spent so much time with you, and everything."  
  
He listened, hearing half of what Sirius was saying, the other half hearing only the voice and noticing with detachment how tired it seemed to make him.  
  
"Me and Remus didn't even get a chance to baby sit for you until you were almost six months, she was so protective of you. She barely ever went out."  
  
Harry had the idea of asking what his first words where, having only heard the word 'baby', but he was bordering the line of consciousness and sleep, and he was really tired...  
  
The last thing he heard before he fell asleep was, "Goodnight, Harry. I love you." Before the hand on his head was removed, and the bed shifted. 


End file.
